Am I the OW?

[Am I the OW?]

I have been dating a married man for a couple months. I have always found myself attracted to him since I met him but he is married. I had a baby with another man and we got married shortly before her third birthday. Anyhow, the mm told me he was having problems with his marriage, and he wasn't happy. He was always telling me how him and wife got into a fight about something. I could see his unhappiness more and more each day but when we were together he was totally different. We had so much in common, we have such a great time together. I started falling really hard for him and finally one day, I told him how I felt. He said he felt the same but it wasn't right to start anything because he was still married. Then one day, he gave me the news that he was going to file for a divorce and I was shocked! I didn't think he would ever do it. We started seeing eachother outside of work and started having sex (which was better than I could ever imagined). I was falling in love. I also filed for a divorce. I was so happy, it was finally going to happen, we were finally going to be together.

Then it happened, he told me he was having second thoughts about divorcing his wife. I don't know what she said or did but all of a sudden he went from wanting a divorce to having second thoughts. But, it didn't stop me, I was there for him when he needed me. We continued to still have sex every chance we got. I don't care if he is having second thoughts. I love him so much and maybe if I continue our relationship he wont go back to his wife and kids.

Why would he? He is so unhappy, I can't understand why he would go back with her. I am not willing to give him up, not yet. Not until he says we are over and really wants his wife back.

Am I the OW even though the mm filed for a divorce from his wife? She hasn't contacted me so I don't think she knows what is going on, or she doesn't care. If she calls me or sees me and starts accussing me of having an affair with her husband do I tell her that she is no longer his wife because he wants out of the marriage and has already filed for a divorce? Am I the OW now? If I every right to see this man because he filed a divorce from his wife I am going to see him and she isn't going to stop me.

[Debster]

You can't seriously be questioning this - of course you are the OW.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

if he's a MARRIED MAN, then yes hunny, you are the other woman. Nothing wrong with that IMHO. Just don;t get caught. But only about 5% leave their wives for the OW, so don't get your hopes up.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Am I the OW even though the mm filed for a divorce from his wife?

 

You are until the divorce if finalized.

[BoatingBabe]

He may have never filed for divorce, but just said that to get you into bed, knowing you wouldn't have if he didn't. Yeah, I'm sure you love him and all...but these men LIE. I wouldn't trust anyone who told me that unless they showed me the divorce papers.

 

 

But to answer your question, yes, of course you are.

[StillHurtin]

This sounds similiar to what I went through w/ my H and the OW, but the OW did know H filed for a D. I actually did call her and confronted her (after H filed for a D) and of course she denied it. I don't know if they were actually having a physical A at this point, she just told me they were friends. She knew H had filed for a D b/c the OW and I discussed it. I agree, that unless the D is final then you are the OW, especially since he is having second thoughts. I wouldn't be holding my breath for him b/c if he is having second thoughts about it then he obiviously doesn't want the D. If he was certain he wanted out of the M he wouldn't be having second thoughts. And if the W in your situation does confront you and gives you he!! she has every right to, you are sleeping w/ her H, whether he filed or not, he is still a mm.

IMHO what you both are doing is wrong, he is still married, it doesn't matter if you get caught or not, it's wrong. You need to give him some space to figure out what he wants. I feel that my H was stringing the OW along but it seemed to me she didn't care b/c she continued to see him even after he told her he was having second thoughts. Love makes ya do stupid things. And the OW in my H's life had no morals so I know she didn't care, wasn't the only mm she slept w/, she slept w/ another co-worker when him and his W were separated. I know this only b/c she was the one that actually told me. When I told H that the OW had no morals and didn't care about sleeping w/ a mm he stuck of for her and said she never slept w/ him, they just went out one night. When I told him the OW actually did sleep w/ the mm H confronted her and asked her if she made it a habit of sleeping w/ mm. She got pissed at him and said "How dare you judge me!" and stomped off. I guess H finally realized his little miss perfect wasn't so perfect and great as he thought she was. Sorry, this is getting way off the topic.

To answer your ?, yes, you are the OW. Work on your own M or find a SG.

[Mr Spock]

You are until the divorce if finalized.

 

Really, you are the OW until the relationship has tanked and he has left her for you Divorce finalized or no (purely from a non legal standpoint)

 

Validization. If I were you, I'd clear this up quickly. He'll drop you like a hot potato if you tell him you're going to tell his wife so you two can be together.

[Am I the OW?]

Thank you all for your advice. It cleared things up, a little. I will never tell his wife, if she calls me should I just tell her we are friends? We haven't exactly been keeping it a secret since we have been out on the town together. I am not sure if anyone that knows him and his wife would tell them if they seen us together. Right now he is living with one of his friends so they aren't living together anymore, which makes it more easy for me to go over and see him. His friend is hardly there so I when I go there we are always alone so I don't even know if he knows about me.

 

I asked him to show me the divorce papers, he was a little annoyed I didn't trust him but he did show them to me. They just went for a court hearing for child support, and alimony right now. I just don't know what to do. He has shown me the proof of the divorce so does that still make me the OW? I am sorry that sounds like a stupid question but I don't want to be known around town I am an OW to a MM even though he is getting a divorce. Maybe we should cool it until the divorce is final. It will be so hard though, I don't know if I can stay away from him.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

If the divorce is not final, he is still thinking about going back to the W, and she does not know about you, you ARE most assuredly the "Other Woman".

 

If the divorce wheels are turning, let them turn, and keep your relationship with him if you are in love with him. If he moves back in with the wife, has sex with the wife, drops the divorce proceedings, expresses to you that he is still in love with her, expresses that he is not sure he is in love with you, goes meaningfully backwards towards her and away from you any further, or any assorted wishy-washy crap like that (you know, all those things that would make you feel so incredibly unloved - you already know the full list), drop him like a hot potato and do no contact. Not to punish him, but just for yourself. Because if he does any of those things, it pretty much means that you will always be the OW, and that would just suck so badly. Take it from a former OM.

[Moose]

You were involved, sexually, with a married man. You will always be, "The OW", during the span of that particular marriage.

[BoatingBabe]

Originally posted by Am I the OW?

 

 

I asked him to show me the divorce papers, he was a little annoyed I didn't trust him but he did show them to me. They just went for a court hearing for child support, and alimony right now. I just don't know what to do.

 

Good move...Who cares if he's annoyed, at least you know he's not lying. . Good luck!

[newby]

look, dont put negative energy into it. dont take the situations that occur here, it sounds like he has been honest with you all the way through.

it doesnt really matter what you WERE once you are together properly. no marriage or relationship ever ends really rosily at first.

as for what to do, i dont know, you have to listen to yourself on all of these questions.

[Am I the OW?]

mm told me yesturday that he was going to stop by his wives house to pick up his kids because he hadn't seen them since Monday. Which, by the way, him, his wife, and kids spent an entire evening together. And instead of coming to see me or going back to his own place he spent it at her house and having a long talk about their marriage. She wants to work it out, he still isn't sure.

 

Last night I called him because he said it was just going to be him and his kids, he was going to take them out to eat. We sat and talked for a little bit after he got off work and his wife called his cell phone. He didn't answer and she left a messsage. I guess she was tired of waiting around for him and needed to run some errands so if he wanted to see the kids he would have to find her. He left and about two hours later I decided to call him on his cell phone. We were talking for several minutes and all of a sudden I heard a woman say "Is that her? " and there was a pause, then I heard her yell "Go to he!!!" And then he starts calling out his wive's name to come back to him. He hung up the phone with me. He called later that night and I asked him what happened. He told me she knows about us, that she heard it from someone and accussed him but he denied it. He said he didn't want to make things worse between them and the divorce. I don't really care that she knows about us, maybe now she will want to get out of the marriage instead of bothering him and trying to make him change his mind about it.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Well, on the one hand, it is good (for you) that the W MAY know. On the other hand, it is not good that he was/may still be lying to her about it, trying to keep the mere existence of your relationship with him a complete secret, and that she had to "bust" him (yes, it might make the divorce easier if she did not know, but that is an excuse, not a reason, and if he wasn't still thinking about it all, he would not have been so unwilling to burn his bridges with the W, or he would have just said "yes, it is" instead of quickly begging her to come back and talk to him while slamming the receiver on you). Also keep in mind, that the W STILL may not "know". She obviosuly suspects, but if you got the click, while he was lovingly beseeching her to return to him to talk, for all you know he kicked the lies into overdrive, and gave her a very convincing denial worthy of an Oscar that it was an "OW" on the phone. The "family night" thing is also a little concerning. The more he gets into being a "family" with her, the more your ship sinks. She may be using the kids to get him to stay in a bad marriage "for their sake", and that is rarely, if ever, a good thing. If it were just about spending time with the kids, they could both do that a lot seperately, but MM obviously still wants to be a "family" with the wife, and in that way, you may always be the OW if the "family nights" continue. I don't think it is really healthy for an ex-H and ex-W to spend a lot of time together as a "family" with the kids rather than spending time with the kids seperately or with their new significant others, as I think it sends the kids way too many mixed messages, and screws up the new relationships the ex-H and ex-W might try to have with someone else. If someone is doing a divorce, do it right, and do it for real, while making clear to the kids that both parents love them very much, both will be a big part of their lives, and that will never change.

 

All this calling to her and hanging up on you business suggests to me that in his own mind, he had not really made a commitment to be with you and not with her. The calling for her to come back to him when she told him to go to hell, with you getting the "click", also isn't really a good sign. Been there, done that (as the OM). How fast the MM or MW will slam the receiver on you when they see the H or W slipping away or losing all interest in saving the marriage, and how much they sneak around to avoid the H or W finding out that they are talking to the OW or OM, is a big indicator of just what they are willing to do to further their relationship with the OW or OM. There is no telling how this will all play out, but if you haven't given him your whole heart yet, hold on to it as much as you possibly can. It may get badly broken if you don't. And yes, even though she may know, you are still very much the OW, and now she may throw it into overdrive and pour on the guilt to get him to "do the right thing" and write you off for good so that they can "work on their marriage for the sake of the kids". If that happens pretty soon, come back and post about it. We'll be here. A lot of us have been through something similar.

[Am I the OW?]

Originally posted by WithOrWithoutYou

Well, on the one hand, it is good (for you) that the W MAY know. On the other hand, it is not good that he was/may still be lying to her about it, trying to keep the mere existence of your relationship with him a complete secret, and that she had to "bust" him (yes, it might make the divorce easier if she did not know, but that is an excuse, not a reason, and if he wasn't still thinking about it all, he would not have been so unwilling to burn his bridges with the W, or he would have just said "yes, it is" instead of quickly begging her to come back and talk to him while slamming the receiver on you). Also keep in mind, that the W STILL may not "know". She obviosuly suspects, but if you got the click, while he was lovingly beseeching her to return to him to talk, for all you know he kicked the lies into overdrive, and gave her a very convincing denial worthy of an Oscar that it was an "OW" on the phone. The "family night" thing is also a little concerning. The more he gets into being a "family" with her, the more your ship sinks. She may be using the kids to get him to stay in a bad marriage "for their sake", and that is rarely, if ever, a good thing. If it were just about spending time with the kids, they could both do that a lot seperately, but MM obviously still wants to be a "family" with the wife, and in that way, you may always be the OW if the "family nights" continue. I don't think it is really healthy for an ex-H and ex-W to spend a lot of time together as a "family" with the kids rather than spending time with the kids seperately or with their new significant others, as I think it sends the kids way too many mixed messages, and screws up the new relationships the ex-H and ex-W might try to have with someone else. If someone is doing a divorce, do it right, and do it for real, while making clear to the kids that both parents love them very much, both will be a big part of their lives, and that will never change.

 

All this calling to her and hanging up on you business suggests to me that in his own mind, he had not really made a commitment to be with you and not with her. The calling for her to come back to him when she told him to go to hell, with you getting the "click", also isn't really a good sign. Been there, done that (as the OM). How fast the MM or MW will slam the receiver on you when they see the H or W slipping away or losing all interest in saving the marriage, and how much they sneak around to avoid the H or W finding out that they are talking to the OW or OM, is a big indicator of just what they are willing to do to further their relationship with the OW or OM. There is no telling how this will all play out, but if you haven't given him your whole heart yet, hold on to it as much as you possibly can. It may get badly broken if you don't. And yes, even though she may know, you are still very much the OW, and now she may throw it into overdrive and pour on the guilt to get him to "do the right thing" and write you off for good so that they can "work on their marriage for the sake of the kids". If that happens pretty soon, come back and post about it. We'll be here. A lot of us have been through something similar.

 

 

Thank you WithorWithoutYou. He says he isn't going to tell his W, he tells her we are just friends and that I called because of work related issues. Is it maybe because deep down inside he wants the marriage to work and by telling her the truth she is sure to leave him and he doesn't want her to? Like I said he was having second thoughts.

He didn't hang up on me, he said he had to go and would talk to me later. He told me that she took her kids and left so they didn't discuss it at that time. He did tell me that he told her it was me and that is why she got mad and told him to go to he!!.

I guess now I answered my own thread, I am the OW. I didn't think I would ever find myself in this situation. I want to continue to see him. I will continue posting to let you know how it is going.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Is it maybe because deep down inside he wants the marriage to work and by telling her the truth she is sure to leave him and he doesn't want her to?

 

You already know the answer to that question, but "yes". And I'm sorry, as it sucks going through that. Hold on to your heart.

[Mr Spock]

Is it maybe because deep down inside he wants the marriage to work and by telling her the truth she is sure to leave him and he doesn't want her to?

 

 

Duh. Sorry, but D-U-H. Some men get caught balls deep in it and never fully tell, simply because they don't to get the pants stolen off them in a divorce.

 

 

You might as well call his wife directly, and tell her.

[Am I the OW?]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Duh. Sorry, but D-U-H. Some men get caught balls deep in it and never fully tell, simply because they don't to get the pants stolen off them in a divorce.

 

 

You might as well call his wife directly, and tell her.

 

 

Mr Spock, I never had to call the wife, she called me this morning! She asked me what was going on between them because she heard that we were having an affair. I told her we weren't, we were just friends and that her husband told me that he filed for a divorce and just needed someone to talk to. She asked me not to talk to him about the divorce anymore because it was between them. I lied to her and she believed me, how gullible is she? I guess we haven't been very careful as we were probably seen by one of her friends. I called mm after I got off the phone with her and told her she had called. I told him I had lied to her about us.

 

He has told me he is in love with me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, has never been this happy, and if he could, he would marry me today. He has even wrote beautiful letters to me telling me how he feels. Maybe he is lying but he seems sincere with his words and his actions. Maybe he doesn't want his wife to know the truth because then it will turn into an ugly divorce and she will go after him in court. He doesn't want it to be an ugly divorce, he doesn't want her to think I am the reason for the divorce, even though he says I'm not, he is just very unhappy in his marriage.

 

I am going to continue to see him, maybe I am the one that is stupid and gullible, but until he tells me it's over, I am going to continue to see him. Maybe I am the OW, but right now I don't care, he means the world to me and I am not ready to give that up.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I'm not sure you should have lied for him. Not telling her was the right thing to do (that is his job), but lying for him only makes it easier for him to carry on the charade with the W, which is a very bad thing for you. Yes, it is true that it may not be your place to bust him with the wife, but I also don't think it is your responsibility to cover for him so convincingly either. Also, if there are kids involved, and that makes it so that he cannot do no or near-no contact with the ex-W following a possible divorce (which would be ideal for your relationship), lying to her now instead of just refusing to talk with her may make it very difficult for you to interact with her in the future, as may be necessary if she and MM need to continue to share parenting responsibilities.

 

If the wife calls again asking for further assurances that you are not sleeping with him, just tell her that you don't wish to discuss it with her, that you have to go, say bye, and hang up the phone. If MM gets wind of this and blames you for the W's new found epiphany about what is really going on, just tell him that you did not tell her, or say anything to her about what was going on, and that all you did was tell her you didn't wish to talk with her, and hung up the phone (which will be the truth). If he then drops you like a hot potato as a result, at least you will know where you will really stand in the first place when the chips are down, and when he really has to make a decision.

[Mr Spock]

Mr Spock, I never had to call the wife, she called me this morning! She asked me what was going on between them because she heard that we were having an affair. I told her we weren't, we were just friends and that her husband told me that he filed for a divorce and just needed someone to talk to. She asked me not to talk to him about the divorce anymore because it was between them. I lied to her and she believed me, how gullible is she?

 

 

Call her back and tell her you lied, and you're sorry but she put you on the spot. She BELIEVES because it's what she wants to believe.

 

For the sake of anything, call her back and tell her you're having an affair.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

You are until the divorce is finalized.

 

No. He and his wife split and are in the divorce process. You are not the OW at this moment. IF he reconciles with his wife and keeps seeing you then you will be the OW.

[boursin_cheese]

Is it that simple or were you emotionally involved? Decidedly or inadvertently helping him to form a decision before he made the divorce declaration? Just curious.

 

b.c.

[Am I the OW?]

WOWY, thank you. I will try my best to not talk to her if she calls again. I just find it hard not to talk to her, it seems I can make it more obvious that we were not having an A if I tell he were aren't. Honestly, I think it's kind of funny, when she asked me what was going on between her H and I, I had to laugh. It just struck me funny that the rumors got around so quickly. I have been attracted to this mm for so many years and to finally have him, it is just so wonderful, words can't explain it. Actually hearing his wife asking ME what is going on between us just makes me feel like I got him, and she lost him. I know that is pretty selfish of me but I can't help the way I feel. I lied to her because I don't want to tell her the truth because that is mm's problem to tell her. If I tell her the truth he will end up hating me, and I don't want that.

 

Cheese, we were emotionally involved before we started having a physical affair. MM told me I am part of the reason for him divorcing his wife, but only a small part. I never told or asked him to leave his wife, he did it on his own.

[Debster]

Mr Spock, I never had to call the wife, she called me this morning! She asked me what was going on between them because she heard that we were having an affair. I told her we weren't, we were just friends and that her husband told me that he filed for a divorce and just needed someone to talk to. She asked me not to talk to him about the divorce anymore because it was between them. I lied to her and she believed me, how gullible is she?

 

Well, you lied to her. How can you call her gullible when you lied?

 

He has told me he is in love with me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, has never been this happy, and if he could, he would marry me today. He has even wrote beautiful letters to me telling me how he feels. Maybe he is lying but he seems sincere with his words and his actions. Maybe he doesn't want his wife to know the truth because then it will turn into an ugly divorce and she will go after him in court. He doesn't want it to be an ugly divorce, he doesn't want her to think I am the reason for the divorce, even though he says I'm not, he is just very unhappy in his marriage.

 

Hello pot, it's me kettle.

How gullible are you?

[BAKUNIN]

But of course you are.Maybe even third forth fifth....only god and he know that