Heart-stopped Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I saw this post on another forum like this one, and I wanted to share it with everyone who is coping. Things WILL get better. "I've been on this site for almost four months now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot. So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down. You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months. You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything. You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful). They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new. You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague. For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope." You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t. You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive. Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did. Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called. Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow). Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson. Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had. And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought. And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be. But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery. I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react. Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back. And the universe will take care of the rest."
Fallen_Angel Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 If I wasn't at work I probably would have burst out crying after finishing that. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for posting those words. Granted, many of them are painful, but they're so honest and heartfelt. I keep wishing time would just accelerate, so maybe this won't feel quite as painful. It's only been three and a half days and it already feels like three and a half years. Sometimes I feel numb and able to go on with the day, and other times I want to hide in my bed and never re-emerge. I know things will eventually get better and eventually I'll stop wishing he'd change his mind and want me back. I'll find a guy who is truly interested in not hurting my feelings (I hope! hehe).
latefragment Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 thank you so much for this post, it is so true and eloquently written. i've gone through this (and am still going through it, actually) and every word you've written is true. thank you, thank you, thank you.
upsetnhurt Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Very well said and I appreciate the posting immensely. Good luck to all!
moon Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Woe, I experienced so many of the feelings in that letter. I agree with not giving your relationship a second chance if there were too many problems to begin with....even if they come crawling back. Somehow in my last relationship (despite me reluctantly breaking up with him) he came back to me a year later. It was during the course of the second half of our relationship, which lasted almost two years, that I really got hurt (mostly due to the break up). So be careful with what you wish for....it could hurt worse the second time around. I really want to stress that. Man, I had such a clean get away after the first break up (the first half of the relationship lasted over a year). I felt very little. I knew from a previous relationship that it doesn't help to try and reconcile, even when something is pulling you to do it. I learned from a previoius relationship that it is better to not contact them afterwards....so I did that and he did come back. And I am doing that again now that we've had another break up. But this time I know it can never be. So I think you really need to ask yourself---even if they do come crawling back--- if that person can ever really make you happy and loved (in a good way).
limejoose Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Props Bro! Its the truth, time mends broken wings.
Marshbear Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Amen to all you said. It pretty much happened just that way for me. I went through all the steps you described and I am just now to the point of "screw them". Thanks for a enlightening post....
clone Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 huh..very interesting how that explained all my fealings and what i did after are break up. Incredible posting, im just glad im not the only lame guy who went threw the begging of the ex back.
mixwell Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Wow that was such a good post.. Thank you for sharing it with us heart-stopped !! The things in that post are exactly what I have gone through !! That is probably the most amazing post I have ever read on LS ! well even though it was taken from another forum !! Thanks for sharing it with us !!
begman Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 yeah, kudos on the post. I am going through all of those steps for the second time in two years. The calling, emailing, hoping, not sleeping, checking email everyday, not eating, slacking, depression, chewing your friends and families ears off with your misery, all of those things. It sucks but we all go through it. After the first time I never thought I would never love again and then I met my most recent ex and she made me forget the one before that. Now I'm back to square one but I know with time that someone else will come along to make me forget her. It's a vicious cycle.
simon_uk Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 lol begman same position, same time frame same everything, two exes two years two times of feeling ****, only this time I aint begging! Trying to win her back yes, but not begging. Hang in there bro
bebegal Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 [color=indigo][font=times new roman]well said. I think all of us LS'ers can relate[/font][/color]
averis Posted April 8, 2005 Posted April 8, 2005 ABSOLUTELY AWESOME! SO TRUE ITS UNBELIEVABLE THANK YOU!!!
emeraldxx05 Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Enjoyed that. So glad I found this site. Thank you. M x
In Sync Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Thank you whoever you are Heart-stopped,thank you....from the bottom of my heart those word have awakened me. I am not alone in this. And you have understood what I have been through. Truly a great post!
CaliGuy Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Excellent post and should be stickied! We're ALL going through this and it's more similar than we think! Time does heal all wounds, but you have to allow yourself to heal. You can not sit with regret. The most important thing said here is 'learn from your past relationship mistakes' or you are doomed to repeat them. Somehow, someway I need to engrain that in my head.
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