fighting1983 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Back story if you want to read it... I broke up with a man 2 months ago that didn't want a relationship because he was still in love with his ex girl friend that walked out on him and never came back (he never got any closure). I explained to him how much he hurt me and he apologized many times and said he never meant to hurt me and it was never his intentions to make me feel bad. He said he needed time to get over her and fix himself. That was a the break up and and I went on with my life. On 2/9 I texted him just to check in and say hello, he didn't respond. That Saturday I texted again and said that I didn't want to get back together with him and that I was just saying him. He finally texted back saying "I just didn't know if I should" text and we had a conversation. That was it. Then that Monday he texted me to say that he missed my call. I explained to him that I called him by accident because there are two people with his name in my contact (my cousin has the same name) and I call the wrong one by mistake. We had a quick conversation then as well. He started using smiley faces and I cut the talk short. This past Friday I went to bed early and woke up to a text message from him. He told me right off the bat that he was thinking about buying a condo near my apartment. Then he says "can you come see me?" "I miss you". This threw me for a loop because he is not an emotional man and he's never said I miss you before. I told him that I missed him as well but that I didn't want to be with him without a relationship. This is when he got angry with me. He told me to go away, never to contact him again, and that he was going to delete my number. I was so shocked that he was having a temper tantrum in a text message. I asked him if he was drunk and he said "what that hell do you care?" That's when I got angry with him and told him that I cared about him since the day I met him and that it was him that didn't care about me and that I wasn't leaving my house to see man that doesn't want to be with me. Then he said " I'm not drunk. I can come to you." Then he started saying "I miss you again". I asked him if him seeing me would mean something to him and would it mean that I mean something to him. He said "Yes, I miss you. Can I see you, please?" I finally broke and said that he could come. This next day he left early because he said he was afraid of his car being towed (He parked in tow zone-ish spot). When I knew he was home I texted him, "Just so I know for sure, that meant nothing to you, right?" He said back, "Stop being dramatic, please." That was the last I heard of him (3 days ago). TL;DR Broke up with a guy 2 months ago. I explained to him how much he hurt me and he apologized many times and said he never meant to hurt me and it was never his intentions to make me feel bad. He said he needed time to get over her and fix himself. This past Friday I got a text message from him. He said "can you come see me?" "I miss you". He booty called a women that he knew truly cared about him just to get some for one night and then called me dramatic. The question... If he knew how much he meant to me and he acknowledged my pain and apologized, why would he use me for one night of sex? Why would he take advantage of me just get sex when there are women he could have met anywhere to do that with. Why subject me to so much pain if he "never meant to hurt me?" I never known him to be like this and that's what hurts the most.
Toodaloo Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 This is where no contact works. Block his number, delete him from facebook. He wants a booty call and now he knows he can get it if he is nasty to you and wears you down. Get rid of this man. 2
ManyDissapoint Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I asked him if him seeing me would mean something to him and would it mean that I mean something to him. He said "Yes, I miss you. Can I see you, please?" I finally broke and said that he could come. You left an opening for him. When you asked him if him coming over would mean something to him, you left the barndoor open in terms of subjective interpretation. Every action has some meaning to everyone. Yes it's important and meaningful for him to have sex with you. You mean something in so far as a FWB has meaning to him. It was either an oversight or you were subconsciously lobbing him softballs because you were deep down afraid that if you expressed yourself directly, ie "If him seeing you would mean that he wants to have a relationship with you" he would have rejected you outright. I've done the same thing. Trickle truthed myself and damn does that set you up for some unpleasant and demeaning power dynamics. That being said, your lack of self preservation in this case does not make his behavior any less despicable. He's an *******. 2
Omei Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 So were you guys intimate that night? Cuz it sounds like he knew you were emotionally available so he was trying to get laid. I dont know why you agreed to see him when you told him you didnt want to be with him unless it was a relationship, he doesnt want one with you apparently so why did you push your feelings aside and just grant him coming over because he says "I miss you" Don't be a fool he isn't agreeing to date you so then there's nothing for you block him.
ManyDissapoint Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I wanted to add the following: Sure, he could have lied and said yes of course baby I want a relationship with you. But that would have put him into a position where he could not deceive himself into thinking that he wasn't doing anything wrong. Even awful people hate to feel guilty and will frequently avoid it with a lot of mental gymnastics. Don't give them room to not feel guilty. 2
Gaeta Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 If he knew how much he meant to me and he acknowledged my pain and apologized, why would he use me for one night of sex? Why would he take advantage of me just get sex when there are women he could have met anywhere to do that with. Why subject me to so much pain if he "never meant to hurt me?" I never known him to be like this and that's what hurts the most. Because YOU offered yourself to him on a silver platter and men have half their brain in their pants. Don't make him responsible for this, it's all on you! 5
Omei Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) He clear as day wanted a hookup, he grew angry at talk of relationships and OP you still let him come over gave up yourself for a simple "I miss you" I would have to agree you have yourself to blame this man's made it clear he doesnt want you just your body and you cave and agree to those terms by allowing him to be with you without relationship status He will come back for more sex because you were so easily convinced I suggest you never respond and block him. Edited February 24, 2015 by Omei 1
ManyDissapoint Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) I don't agree with the above posters saying that you should feel 100% responsible. If you live in a dangerous neighborhood, accept that fact and carry around some mace or practice your nut kicks. If you find yourself unprepared and get mugged, that still doesn't make the criminals who mug people less responsible for their misdeeds. That dude knew she was emotionally vulnerable and pushed the opportunity. OP best thing you can do is learn from this experience and make sure you are very clear in your boundaries next time. Be cautious even when you seem to be getting what you think you want from someone. In fact excersize exceptional caution if they appear to be giving you what you want. As I stated this guy could have told you everything you wanted to hear and still pulled a fast one on you. That's the risk we all take in relationships at any level and of all types. We can't expect to socially engineer a solution, much less from a forum, but on the other hand we should not perpetuate the idea that if you are able to weasel yourself into some emotional exploitation because the other party is not experienced to handle it, that all the responsibility lays on the person taken advantage of. Edited February 24, 2015 by ManyDissapoint
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 The question... If he knew how much he meant to me and he acknowledged my pain and apologized, why would he use me for one night of sex? Why would he take advantage of me just get sex when there are women he could have met anywhere to do that with. Why subject me to so much pain if he "never meant to hurt me?" I never known him to be like this and that's what hurts the most. That's because guys will do and say anything to get some and you were easy pickins. I suppose he has had ex GFs oblige him in the past, and he felt you were no different. So he took a shot, oh well now you see him for the jackass he is. Move on. **at least he had the decency to breakup with you before he went and banged some other chick.....I don't buy the "I'm still not over my ex" excuse. **You only dated for two months, he wasn't that into you, if you meant that much to him he wouldn't have broken up....right? 1
Omei Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) I don't agree with the above posters saying that you should feel 100% responsible. If you live in a dangerous neighborhood, accept that fact and carry around some mace or practice your nut kicks. If you find yourself unprepared and get mugged, that still doesn't make the criminals who mug people less responsible for their misdeeds. That dude knew she was emotionally vulnerable and pushed the opportunity. OP best thing you can do is learn from this experience and make sure you are very clear in your boundaries next time. Be cautious even when you seem to be getting what you think you want from someone. In fact excersize exceptional caution if they appear to be giving you what you want. As I stated this guy could have told you everything you wanted to hear and still pulled a fast one on you. That's the risk we all take in relationships at any level and of all types. We can't expect to socially engineer a solution, much less from a forum, but on the other hand we should not perpetuate the idea that if you are able to weasel yourself into some emotional exploitation because the other party is not experienced to handle it, that all the responsibility lays on the person taken advantage of. Op did set her boundaries and made them clear pior to him coming over then she gave them up willingly for a night, true he could of lied and said sure ill do a relationship but he didnt so she gave it up for nothing in return. I wouldnt say she was taken advantage of her feelings were played with sweet talk but in the end he was clear there was no relationship to be had and she went for it anyway leaving her moral behind she hurt herself in the end. It isnt a what if scenario that can be compared to a mugging. Too many people think that if they give sex its somehow going to get them what they wish for in return afterwards and it doesnt work like that. Edited February 24, 2015 by Omei 1
Mrin Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 The OP's story in food: I used to go to this French bistro all the time. They had the most amazing Watercress soup. Anyhow I stopped going there because I would order the Watercress soup but they would bring Potato Leek, or French Onion or even Beef Barley. When I complained they said that's what I ordered and besides, they didn't have any Watercress soup. I finally gave up and didn't go back there anymore. But just yesterday I was walking down the street past the bistro and one of the waiters saw me. He shouted, "hey Fighting1983! Long time no see! How about a bowl of soup?" I said, "only if it is Watercress." "Soup is soup," he replied and pulled out a chair. I couldn't wait - mmmmm Watercress. My mouth was watering. After a short while the waiter returned with a bowl of Tomato bisque. And a bill for $9.87. I was crushed. How could he be so cruel? 4
preraph Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Honestly, he's just being self-indulgent and not really thinking of your feelings. He's just looking for anything to take his mind off his ex and you put yourself out there for that. Stop doing that.
kendahke Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) The question... If he knew how much he meant to me and he acknowledged my pain and apologized, why would he use me for one night of sex? because he knew you would do it... and apparently, you did. Why would he take advantage of me just get sex when there are women he could have met anywhere to do that with. Why subject me to so much pain if he "never meant to hurt me?" because he knew you would do it... and apparently, you did. Why would you allow him to use you for sex knowing that he hadn't made any declaration to you of his intention to rekindle the relationship? I mean, you did have a say so in what went down and you could have said "no sex without commitment, dude". If you wanted an itch scratched, then own that. Otherwise, he didn't use you. You set yourself up by not asking him what his intention was before he even came over to your house. Lesson to learn here: you can't sex a man into a relationship he doesn't want to be in. Edited February 24, 2015 by kendahke 1
katiegrl Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 OP...if there is a lesson to be learned from all this .... it's to NEVER trust someone to have the same morals and level of integrity and character as you have. Trust takes time to build...and in the his case, his true colors were pretty apparent from the get go. He was horny...you were available...and the test is history. Love can be blinding...I realize that...but it's important to take off those rose colored glasses and see what's actually there, staring right at you, and not what you "want" to see. He told you he did NOT want s relationship with you....next time a guy tells you that...believe him. And with respect to his "I miss you.". He didn't miss "you," he was horny and missed the booty...and you were there. I am so sorry...but again lesson learned. Block him and delete him not only from phone and social media..but from your life!! Next! 1
LostOnes05 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Some people are just plain selfish...the only person's back they have is their own. Sorry you went through this. Not all men are like this...at least I can speak for myself. It actually pains me when I see this because he basically told you he didn't want to be with you, whether or not the ex story was true. Then he broke you down with the "I miss you" and whatever else he told you, knowing that your feelings for him were much deeper than his were for you. No matter what the time frame of the relationship was, you deserve much better than that. I had a woman give me that story of the ex once and I immediately told her good luck with that. If it was true, I knew I couldn't compete with the past they shared even if it was a messed up one. And if it wasn't true, why would I want to be with someone who would never be on the same emotional level or have the ability to be straightforward? Gotta step outside your situation and ask yourself these questions sometimes before you make a decision. Never give people like this attention, positive or negative. He'll call again when he is bored or his options diminish. Ignore. Best of luck to you in the future!
Buddhist Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 why would he use me for one night of sex? Why would he take advantage of me just get sex when there are women he could have met anywhere to do that with. Why subject me to so much pain if he "never meant to hurt me?" I never known him to be like this and that's what hurts the most. Because you let him. Why contact a guy you know you have no chance with? It's not like he was the one to contact you first. What was the point in that? If they think they can get sex from you, they will, every single time. If you never thought he would be like that then you don't know men very well do you? Stop acting like you are a big victim in this, you both are parties to it. 2
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Awww shouldn't be so harsh....sometimes people's feelings get the best of them which leaves them very vulnerable, especially those who don't have a lot of experience. The OP will figure it out.
devilish innocent Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Short answer: He was horny and thinking with his penis. What makes you think he could find somebody else he'd want to sleep with? Unless a guy is a famous celebrity, they usually don't have that many options.
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