FWB is still on my mind

[lil_missy]

My long time FWB is still on my mind and confusing me.

 

After 1.5 years on and off, 3 months ago I finally blew up at him and it was the first time I told him I was so unhappy with him as I wanted more and all he wanted was sex from me once in a while. I know that I was unreasonable since he did nothing wrong, I agreed to casual dating with him even though I didn’t strictly know what “casual dating “was back then.

 

He replied that he didn’t know I was so unhappy ( I put on a good act) and did not want to waste my time. He feels the relationship is no longer beneficial to me and that we should stop seeing each other all together. He said it was the only way I could move on from him. I begged and cried but he insisted we cannot see each other anymore for my benefit and wished me the best.

 

I cried for a week after that coz I knew it was the end of us and I had to close that chapter of my life. He was the guy I had the deepest feelings for in my entire life.

 

After that I dated someone for a couple months and broke up last week. It gave me a lot of perspective on relationships and helped to heal my wounds.

 

After the breakup, I sent an emotional text to my FWB out of comfort. He was the one person I really wanted to speak to. I told him that I was sorry for texting him but I was in a good place now and I wished him all the best in life, I didn’t ask him any questions. I was basically letting him know that im doing well since I was mess when he left me.

 

I was surprised at his reply. First I was surprised he even replied, since he was adamant that we shouldn’t talk anymore and asked me to delete his number. So I felt there was a real possibility that he wouldn’t reply. But he did. And he said he was so glad to hear from me, and he still called me babe, asked me what I been up to and reciprocated my sentiment that he was glad our lives crossed paths.

 

So im just confused, why does this man claim 3 months ago that we should never talk again, but now is glad to hear from me and is engaging me in conversation?

[ExpatInItaly]

It means he's feeling out whether or not your're still open to FWB. Don't be misled if you're still hoping for something more from him.

[TigerCub]

Your last email to him shows that you're actually not in a 'good place now' - because you are still thinking of him.

 

I'm sorry OP, that guy knows how you are so into him and he'll get FWB out of you if he can again.

 

When he wanted you to delete his number it was because you were bringing too much drama.

 

If you want a real relationship with someone and all they can offer you is FWB - don't take it. Don't settle for less than what you want hoping you can turn it into what you want.

 

This guy calling you 'babe' in the email means nothing.

If he wanted you as a gf he would have made you his gf back then.

 

But after your crying and pleading for him to not stop the FWB even though it wasn't enough for you - you showed him that you'll take anything from him, just as long as he's there - and that's gotta be a nice ego trip for him.

 

His reply means nothing and if you really do want to move on, you should take his 'advice' and delete his number.

[kendahke]

My long time FWB is still on my mind and confusing me.

 

After 1.5 years on and off, 3 months ago I finally blew up at him and it was the first time I told him I was so unhappy with him as I wanted more and all he wanted was sex from me once in a while. I know that I was unreasonable since he did nothing wrong, I agreed to casual dating with him even though I didn’t strictly know what “casual dating “was back then.

 

He replied that he didn’t know I was so unhappy ( I put on a good act) and did not want to waste my time. He feels the relationship is no longer beneficial to me and that we should stop seeing each other all together. He said it was the only way I could move on from him. I begged and cried but he insisted we cannot see each other anymore for my benefit and wished me the best.

 

I cried for a week after that coz I knew it was the end of us and I had to close that chapter of my life. He was the guy I had the deepest feelings for in my entire life.

 

After that I dated someone for a couple months and broke up last week. It gave me a lot of perspective on relationships and helped to heal my wounds.

 

After the breakup, I sent an emotional text to my FWB out of comfort. He was the one person I really wanted to speak to. I told him that I was sorry for texting him but I was in a good place now and I wished him all the best in life, I didn’t ask him any questions. I was basically letting him know that im doing well since I was mess when he left me.

 

I was surprised at his reply. First I was surprised he even replied, since he was adamant that we shouldn’t talk anymore and asked me to delete his number. So I felt there was a real possibility that he wouldn’t reply. But he did. And he said he was so glad to hear from me, and he still called me babe, asked me what I been up to and reciprocated my sentiment that he was glad our lives crossed paths.

 

So im just confused, why does this man claim 3 months ago that we should never talk again, but now is glad to hear from me and is engaging me in conversation?

 

Don't read so much into that. He didn't say to you "Missy, I really would like to try being in a relationship with you and make you my girlfriend". He's glad because he probably can hit that once again, get his needs met without addressing your need for him to make a more substantial declaration for you. You haven't gained any ground doing this.

 

Best to leave him alone. Notice that he didn't contact you. He was more than willing to put that hook back in your cheek for you. Do you want to squirm on his fishing line again? How much more of your youth are you willing to waste behind him?

[lil_missy]

Thank you guys I completely understand where you guys are coming from

 

But I really don't think my fwb is the type to take advantage of me though.he was the one that tried to end it with me a few times and said it was to protect me and he didn't want me to get hurt. But I always contacted him and he gave in. The last time he gave me a lot of life advice and told me to treasure myself and not sell myself short. He said it was a privilege to know me. Why would he be so kind and have such deep conversation with me?

[Zahara]

Thank you guys I completely understand where you guys are coming from

 

But I really don't think my fwb is the type to take advantage of me though.he was the one that tried to end it with me a few times and said it was to protect me and he didn't want me to get hurt. But I always contacted him and he gave in. The last time he gave me a lot of life advice and told me to treasure myself and not sell myself short. He said it was a privilege to know me. Why would he be so kind and have such deep conversation with me?

 

When you told him how you felt, he was kind to let you go in that he didn't want you being in a situation that will hurt you. He's doing the same now. He's being kind and polite and telling you nice things -- not for any other reasons but to reciprocate your message (which wasn't true!). You're not in a better place. Stay NC.

 

Stop reading into it.

[PinkCarnations]

see things for what they ARE and not what they COULD be.

 

If he wanted to be with you then, he would have been with you. If he wanted to be with you now, he would be. But he's not. Sure, he cares about you. But is he asking you on a date?? Is he asking for you to be more than a booty call? Nope. Move on. By the way, "I want the best for you" is basically the kiss of death. "A privilege to know you" = "I don't mind never seeing you again."

[lil_missy]

Something just clicked in me today I realise the hopes I kept holding onto with my fwb is futile.

 

The situation with my fwb is that he is in a long term relationship when I met him and he has always been honest with me about it. But I always felt there was something btwn us that I cannot ignore, I was willing to share him with his gf.

 

But reading some posts today from the perspective of a guy in an open relationship, I realise he'll prob never want a relationship with me. He already has one his very happy with. And I realised I don't want to settle to share him either.

 

So I texted him wished him well. I'm happy to remain friends and I'm over been emotionally invested in him. It feels so freeing.

[Leigh 87]

I hate how women are so desperate to read into every little thing a guy they are into says and does.

 

Just because a FWB is nice to you and says deep things, tells you he cares about you and calls you "babe", that does not mean that he has feelings for you that extend beyond a casual and superficial thing.

 

FWB's can really like you as a person, but they ALWAYS lack deeper feelings for you; if they liked you enough to date, they would DATE you.

 

You cried over him for a week. You cannot just hook up with him again WITHOUT becoming invested.

 

He will meet a woman who knocks his socks off and he will drop you like a hot potato once he meets a woman he DOES want to date. How will you feel then? Do you want to set yourself up in a position whereby you will cry for another week again? Just give be single and wait for a guy who is into you enough to date you; in the meanwhile, by all means have fun but you don't seem like the type who can have sex with a FWB without getting attached. It isn't normal or healthy to cry for a week over a FWB - you are not doing it right if you cry once they leave/find someone they do want to date. My FWB'S, I have liked them a lot as people and we both considered each other hot enough to date yet we just didn't click on that level emotionally and mentally.

 

You shouldn't cry over FWB's. They are supposed to be light fun with a friend.

 

And stop reading into things men SAY; their ACTIONS are paramount!

 

Actions = men who state that they want to date you and then TAKE YOU ON DATES once a week minimum

Actions = men who take you on dates during PRIME TIMES, e.g., Friday and Saturday night

Actions = men who text or call you once a day, or once every second day and who don't go long without making contact of some sort

Actions = men who maintain weekly dates, who SAY they would like to be exclusive with you after a few dates, and who introduce you to their friends and family after a couple of months, give or take a month.

Actions = men who say they want to be exclusive and DO IT; they spend quality weekend time with you every weekend, they turn up for dates and if they cancel they immediately arrange another date.

 

Your FWB demonstrated absolutely no signs that he wanted to date you. He didn't ask to be exclusive. He TOLD you he wanted fun. He TOLD you that he didn't want you to get hurt, and they you shouldn't sell yourself short (on guys like him who don't want to date you!).

 

Please learn to listen to what men SAY:

 

- when a man says he wants FWB, BELIEVE him...

- when a man tells you to not sell yourself short and you are in a FWB with him, what he MEANS is: I think you are a nice girl but I don't like you enough to date and therefore you should probably hold out for a guy who is actually into you so that you can avoid the pain and anguish of going for guys like ME who only want sex from you"

-When a man does not put forth more effort and up the ante, it is because he doesn't want to; he HAS no secret agenda, he HAS no reason to "hold back" from falling for you and SHOWING you as such. He isn't taking you out on regular dates, introducing you to his friends or asking to date you and be exclusive with you because HE DOESN'T WANT TO.

 

Please try to learn to be happy single and don't fall all over the first guy who shows you attention and you are into; just because you are into a guy, you don't go reading into things until there is solid, concrete evidence that the guy is into you. Calling you babe, texting and calling often and being extra sweet and physically and verbally affectionate towards you MEANS NOTHING. Men can call you sweet names, tell you how amazing you are, cuddle you while you sleep, have sleepovers and go out to breakfast with you the next day and tell you they miss you - and it DOES NOT mean they are into you and want to date you!

 

Actions, always remember Actions mean Everything: ANYTHING short of a guy who: takes you out on regular takes, contacts you consistently, CLAMS to want to be exclusive after a month or less and talks about his friends and introducing you to them soon/meeting your friends too, means he just might be into you and interested in entering into a fledging relationship.

[CrystalShine2011]

Yes, I think he still is interested in FWB's and probably doesn't think you are even ready to get into another relationship...I would try to stay single for a bit and perhaps continue your fun with him, nothing more.

[katiegrl]

Leigh in your post #9 you wrote:

 

>>"STOP reading so much into what men SAY, their ACTIONS are paramount!

 

>>"Listen to what men SAY!"

 

So which is it? I am genuinely confused as those two comments are diametrically opposed to each other..

[lil_missy]

Omg so my fwb just asked me if I would like to take a tumble with him and his gf. Lol

 

Seriously this always happens to me I don't know why. Guys always seem to ask this of me

 

On the one hand I don't mind it. I find his gf really attractive and I have been with her before. She is a gorgeous sweet person and I have no bad feelings towards her. If we sleep together it will be a strictly casual thing and I have no expectation from him or her afterwards.

 

On the other hand, I might feel really insecure in his gf's presence. She is the one he chose not me, although it was never a competition from the start. And also I'm scared of feeling left out and unloved afterwards.

 

What should I do?

 

I'm tempted coz part of me really likes taking risks and doing things that make me uncomfortable. Part of me thinks I will regret it if I do, also regret it if I dont.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh in your post #9 you wrote:

 

>>"STOP reading so much into what men SAY, their ACTIONS are paramount!

 

>>"Listen to what men SAY!"

 

So which is it? I am genuinely confused as those two comments are diametrically opposed to each other..

 

Listen to whether a man says these things: hey, so I was thinking that I'd like to be exclusive with you.

 

Then actions back up the words.

 

A man has to ask for certain things in order to indicate his interest. A man who is genuinly into you will ask to be exclusive and after a while he'll ask you if he can please introduce you to your family and friends.

 

Then his actions should prove that what a man says is going to hold true.

[Purepony]

From the looks of it is she just not happy being in pain its like she craves more and more pain go ahead and make things worse! Its your misery.

[katiegrl]

Listen to whether a man says these things: hey, so I was thinking that I'd like to be exclusive with you.

 

Then actions back up the words.

 

A man has to ask for certain things in order to indicate his interest. A man who is genuinly into you will ask to be exclusive and after a while he'll ask you if he can please introduce you to your family and friends.

 

Then his actions should prove that what a man says is going to hold true.

 

Okay so let's switch it around.

 

If a man I'm seeing and having sex with SAYS he does NOT want a "relationship," but his ACTIONS show me that he DOES (spending lots of time together including weekends, calls/texts often, introduces me to friends and family and expresses interest in meeting mine, buys little gifts for me)...that I should DISREGARD what he SAYS (I don't want a relationship or I am not looking for a relationship) and instead focus on his ACTIONS and presume that we *are* in a relationship? Even if he SAYS that's not what he wants?

 

Thanks in advance Leigh!

Edited February 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Leigh re my above post, the reason I am asking this is because I can't tell you the number of women, even on this board, who are experiencing this.

 

The guy tells them he does *not* want a relationship, beyond FWB, but his ACTIONS say otherwise!!!

 

They are told to pay attention to what he SAYS..and if he is *saying* he only wants FWB, even when he is ACTIONS are that of an exclusive boyfriend, then she should listen to his WORDS, and disregard his ACTIONS.

 

Then later they receive conflicting advice saying that they should *only* focus on ACTIONS... that what he SAYS means jack shyt!

 

So which is it? Sometimes we should focus on only what he *says* and other times focus only on his *actions*?

 

No wondering everything is so confusing!!

 

Thanks again for any insight you or others can give re this...cause again it is really confusing knowing what to do with so much conflicting advice being given.

[ascendotum]

Leigh re my above post, the reason I am asking this is because I can't tell you the number of women, even on this board, who are experiencing this.

 

The guy tells them he does *not* want a relationship, beyond FWB, but his ACTIONS say otherwise!!!

 

some guys will be players and some will be regular guys. There are probably quite a few regular guys who will get into a FWB and call it that, but treat it like a STR like say a relationship but without the commitment and a walk away when it suits option without any guilt. Some guys will enjoy the full on intimacy of quasi relationship (FWB), and genuinely like the woman and enjoy sex & going out but for whatever reason know she would not be ideal to get seriously involved with plus they get to keep their options open while the FWB goes on.

 

I guess in relation to Leigh's post, its probably a case of :

If FWB guy is sweet & intimate & acts like bf then go on what he says.

If FWB guy is very casual & just calls for sex then go on his actions.

 

In this thread it sounds more like she's a bit on the side for a guy who has a gf, rather than a FWB.

[katiegrl]

Thanks for responding ascend! Appreciate it.

 

I figured it was what you said. But I have to tell ya...if I ever hear anyone advising a woman to *only* focus on a man's *actions* and that what he *says* means jack shyt, I think I might barf .... as it's completely untrue.

 

In some cases...it's quite necessary to focus only on what a man *says* as opposed to his *actions* (as in the case where the guy *says* he only wants FWB but *acts* like a boyfriend.)

 

That was the point I was trying to make...so again thanks!