Unfamiliar territory Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Ok, so today would be about 35 days NC. We had a nice enough break up followed by a painful 'trying to stay friends faze'. I needed to work on my life, I let myself fall into a rough patch and needed some serious effort to pull myself out of it. Anyway, today I was thinking about her and had the urge to write her a letter, apologising and thanking her. I knew I couldn't post it for a couple of weeks. After writing it and getting a touch emotional I decided it was best to save it, just in case I did want to send it soon. So last time I spoke to her I was needy, desperate, over the top and completely out of control of my emotions. A shipwreck would have looked in order compared to my thoughts. As you can imagine she was not wooed by this manic man (hard to impress ) I have worked really hard on myself and am happy with the progress I have made. Tonight I went back to check what our last conversation looked like, might have been a silly move anyway but I felt in control. Then... Honestly without any meaning I have hit a thumbs up button which has sent straight away... OMG! I knew I had to explain it but before I could she replied with "what?". That in itself was a surprise. I went on to explain I had accidentally hit the thumbs up but was meaning to get in touch with her. (Otherwise, what the hell was I doing looking at our convos... CREEP! ) We went on to have a small conversation about work, both similar in length and both engaged. I was nervous and half ****ting myself, I knew this day would come but it was supposed to be better planned than this. I want this girl in my life, we are great mates and I do lover her. I can honestly say I could handle just being friends and accepting what goes with that but I'm also not going to rule out the chance of a spark reigniting. I'm not sure where she stands or how she feels, bit unsure of my own feelings, I feel like we were both ambushed tonight... (By my stupid fat finger) Should I now take a step back and give her the space she may need or can I send her the occasional message once every couple of days? Could only happen to me, I'm actually laughing about it now. Far from my first reaction...
Just maybe Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 My advise is to give her a bit of time, we know you want her back in your life and evan if that is a friend. My ex wanted to be friends while I still had feelings for her, it's a very hard thing to do. You had a small conversation with her don't look into this to much. Carry on with your life and think very hard if you can remain friends Good luck bro
Author Unfamiliar territory Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 Cheers mate. I think deep down, I know she needs/deserves more time and space. It was just a little bit exciting to talk to her again, I miss her and our conversations. Through this bit of clumsiness I found out she is healing which is nice to know and she found out I still think of her. Always a positive out of every negative right?! I guess I keep on walking and let her throw me a line when she's ready.
jus d'orange Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I think trying to stay friends will only hurt your healing process. I know it's exciting to have a conversation with her again, but that excitement will soon turn to hurt and longing if you realise that she doesn't want to be anything more than friends. You owe it to her and to yourself to not make up for you accidentally sending her a thumbs up by starting a friendship that you can't honestly have. I too think that my ex and I were good partners and I would love to have her back, but she's made it clear that she doesn't love me or want to be in a relationship with me, and so I have to respect that. You need to do the same. If your ex has changed her mind about this, she will make it crystal clear. Otherwise, before you can have a friendship and just keep in touch, you'll have needed to have moved on and healed completely.
Author Unfamiliar territory Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 I understand what you're saying jus-d-orange but I am confused. I'm not sure if I'm confused due to the amount of differing opinions I've read or if it's just that I still need some time. I do want this girl to be happy but I also don't want to miss the opportunity of having her in my life. I will not get dragged back into the state I was in under any circumstance. I have learnt and appreciate that it is ourselves that we must first make happy and I am. I do not need her in my life but if she is still the same girl I knew before, I definitely want her in my life. I could fully accept her being in another relationship, sure it would hurt a bit at first but I have too much ambition and strength now to let that get hold of me. I am busy and have plenty to look forward to in the future, so I'm not needy or anything like that. I'm committed to my new life. I don't want to message her though if it sets her back and makes her feel like ****. should I just wait till I hear from her? Or could I wish her luck in a few days for a big event I know she has coming up? I am happy to give her the time she needs but I don't want to get hit by a car next week and wish I had tried.
Stercrazy Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 As far as the letter.....you can send it BUT to yourself. This put you in their shoes. Read it and if you need to change it.....send it again to yourself. Keep the process going until you are satisfied with the letter. Then.....don't send unless you are indifferent to her reaction. The letter is really for you......not her.
Always Pondering Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 As far as I'm aware, you can't send messages or "thumbs up" to people who are blocked on your Facebook (I'm assuming you're talking about FB). If you're in NC, you should have her blocked. It'll help you heal, help you avoid further pain and help you actually stick to NC. You certainly do need time. Personally after reading what you have wrote, I don't think you're ready for any kind of platonic friendship. I almost guarantee you that your "friendship" wouldn't turn out like you'd think it would. For the love of everything, do not send that apologetic letter where you thank her, etc. Trust me and a ton of other people here on LS who would say the same thing, that letter will do more damage than "fix" anything. You even admit that you acted needy, desperate and lacked control of your emotions. This is perfectly normal but sending that letter is a really, really bad idea. Take some time to focus on yourself and not so much on her. Also, block her on Facebook otherwise curiosity will get the best of you.
Author Unfamiliar territory Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Firstly I just want to say that I appreciate your time and value your advice. Just because I am challenging your advice does not mean I'm not taking it on board, I am. I just like to understand! So with saying that... I don't feel the need to send the letter, I just had a massive urge to write it. I do however think it sucks she may never get to read it. I can understand that it is probably selfish on my behalf and for her it most likely wont help. I want her to know what she meant to me and the impact she has had on my life. Our break up was initiated by me, during this time I was stressed at work, had given up on improving myself and my life and was just a passenger. I was drunk when I broke it off, didn't call her for a few days and when I did she was heart broken. I realised I had made a mistake but just expected it to go back to normal, she was smarter than that (thank god) and forced me to continue with the BU. This is my first BU and has been the biggest learning curve of my life bar none. I have awoken, began steps to reach my life long goals and rediscovered who I am. I will never take days for granted and never allow myself to get near that place I found myself. I'm having fun again and in my own skin. We share a lot in common, we are great together and had a lot of fun prior to me going into a crisis. I understand she needs time and I need time but this whole time thing is frustrating. We all know how valuable time is, why would we spend it away from people we love. I am not saying she feels the same, though I know she still loves me. Now I know how irrational you can be when consumed by emotions, oh yes I know! That craziness has passed though. I am lucky on the friends and family front and I know I can meet new girls and find a good one again. I just feel this relationship was robbed of it's chance. By me! I know all the lines, its called a break up because it's broken. If you don't get back together after the first three months of BU, you're going to need a hail marry for a touch down etc etc. I appreciate NC, it did me so much good and I'm not sure how I would have gone without it. As for the Facebook, there was never a block, just unfriended her. However I have to talk about her everyday at work. We worked together at my current job over a year ago and we were the talked about couple. So obviously everyone wants to know what happened (several times) and they always have to tell me when they see her. It annoyed me at first and felt like they had no sympathy or understanding for the situation I was going through, now I just roll with it. Are you saying give up on the chance of reconciliation? if so, why? OR Are you just suggesting to give everyone more time to heal and grow and be sure of who they are and what they want from life? I will not settle for NC forever, this girl means to much to me. I do however want to do this the right way, for both of us.
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