Trouble connecting sexuality with relationships?

[Intrepidcaribou]

I have crushes on men I never fantasize sexually about. And I have sex dreams and fantasies about faceless men. I can't seem to connect the two.

 

I always end relationships because I can't imagine myself sleeping with these guys even though there's nothing wrong with them. They're all polite, nice looking, gainfully employed etc.

 

The thing is I have sexual fantasies (which I never act on) about workmen on the subway, or actors in movies, or just random men on the street. When I have sex dreams, it's usually faceless, aggressive, grungy men in weird settings.

 

I was brought up that the purpose of relationships is marriage. I always thought marriage was something that marked the end of your fun, happy life and the beginning of your boring, respectable life. You ended up trapped by debts and obligations. My parents have a passionless, unhappy marriage with no money and huge resentment.

 

We were always encouraged to be sexy and attractive but discouraged from actual sex. I always thought that if I wasn't a virgin, no decent man would want me anymore. I wasn't brought on religiously, but my mother is Middle Eastern, so sensuality is encouraged but sex is forbidden.

 

Do normal people think like this? If I'm attracted to someone shouldn't I want to have sex with him?

[StalwartMind]

If I'm attracted to someone shouldn't I want to have sex with him?

 

I should believe so assuming your sexual drive is intact.

 

The purpose of a relationship is what you want it to be. Sure people typically connect it with X,Y & Z (whatever standard is most relevant to your current location). Truthfully you can make a relationship be however you like, all it takes is you and another part to agree on it. Marriage may be the end of "fun and a happy" life, but if that is the case then you are doing it wrong. If anything it should be the "start" of everything fantastic.

 

Imagine being with someone you love, and that you just can't get enough of and who makes you want to just learn more and more about said person. With a solid connection and chemistry brewing constantly through communication you can be set for life with someone that will never make a moment be dull.

 

You should probably not engage in any relationship unless you see him have potential to fulfill your desires, sexually and none sexually.

[Gloria25]

Maybe you're having some sort of "madonna/ho" thing going on where you can't see yourself being sexual with someone you are supposed to "respect" (i.e. a husband, father of your kids).

 

Some women even have that problem once they become wives/mothers. They can't shift into "vixen" mode for their husbands anymore. They have to learn to accept both the madonna and ho aspects of themselves.

 

I don't know, just a guess...

[Intrepidcaribou]

 

Imagine being with someone you love, and that you just can't get enough of and who makes you want to just learn more and more about said person. With a solid connection and chemistry brewing constantly through communication you can be set for life with someone that will never make a moment be dull.

 

You should probably not engage in any relationship unless you see him have potential to fulfill your desires, sexually and none sexually.

 

I have trouble with the concept of romantic love. The only people I've ever lived have been relatives

[Gloria25]

I have trouble with the concept of romantic love. The only people I've ever lived have been relatives

 

Well, if you are in a culture where marriages are arranged - then maybe it is kinda difficult for you cuz it's like you marry for the purpose of family reputation/image, to procreate...pretty much nothing to do with romance.

 

Funny, cuz IMO, while in American culture there is sorta "free will" to date and experience romantic things before you tie the knot, IMO, many American marriages lose romance once they marry and start having kids.

 

If you are in a situation where your marriage might be arranged, do you get a chance to meet the person and do like marriage counseling/discussion with them?

 

Maybe you can bring up the topic of your concern about romance and bonding as a couple. Can you go out with that person with a third party (i.e. a close friend) and like go out to dinner and stuff to develop and experience romantic connections?

 

I mean, this may be something you will have to learn on your own - like some of us.

 

I didn't know a thing about the bird and the bees and/or dating cuz my parents NEVER sat down and talked to us. Worst, the "image" of RLs they left for us was dysfunctional to say the least. But, we all see movies, read books, etc. In other words, I have and continue to learn about RLs in stuff by coming here, watching movies/TV, my fave podcaster - environment.

 

In other words, you may have to "teach" yourself how to feel/experience/desire romance.

[Intrepidcaribou]

Well, if you are in a culture where marriages are arranged - then maybe it is kinda difficult for you cuz it's like you marry for the purpose of family reputation/image, to procreate...pretty much nothing to do with romance.

 

Funny, cuz IMO, while in American culture there is sorta "free will" to date and experience romantic things before you tie the knot, IMO, many American marriages lose romance once they marry and start having kids.

 

If you are in a situation where your marriage might be arranged, do you get a chance to meet the person and do like marriage counseling/discussion with them?

 

Maybe you can bring up the topic of your concern about romance and bonding as a couple. Can you go out with that person with a third party (i.e. a close friend) and like go out to dinner and stuff to develop and experience romantic connections?

 

I mean, this may be something you will have to learn on your own - like some of us.

 

I didn't know a thing about the bird and the bees and/or dating cuz my parents NEVER sat down and talked to us. Worst, the "image" of RLs they left for us was dysfunctional to say the least. But, we all see movies, read books, etc. In other words, I have and continue to learn about RLs in stuff by coming here, watching movies/TV, my fave podcaster - environment.

 

In other words, you may have to "teach" yourself how to feel/experience/desire romance.

 

My parents didn't have an arranged marriage. My mom married a white Canadian guy to escape her culture. She told me point blank that she didn't love him when she married him. My dad married her because she was beautiful, fun and wouldn't sleep with him otherwise.