HoneyBeeLLX Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I'm 22, and he is 20. So there is a guy who I just met very, very recently. Let's say less than two weeks. We ran into each other on campus, and we exchanged number to chat later. That lead to a coffee date, which ended in sex. From that day on, we decided to be friends with benefits. We surprisingly have become really, really close friends. The chemistry is very intense at times. I'm talking him saying I've "changed his life", long walks through campus with me in his arms, stopping all conversation/walking just to kiss me. Bonding as friends over our quirks, desire for knowledge, and aspirations. So after our most recent time together, I literally felt high, and I needed to come down from it all. But there is an undeniable energy between us. So I did what any person would do, and I told him that I am trying not to indulge in those feelings because I know we aren't dating; I don't want to fall for him romantically on accident, if you will. He told me that he doesn't mind if I express romantic feelings, and that he'll "even indulge them", but that he can't commit in the boyfriend/girlfriend sense because of timing in his own personal life. I am confused about this, but I've made up my mind on it. I wrote what I felt in a letter as a cathartic exercise for myself, and I'm now wondering if I should actually give it to him to explain myself clearly. Should I actually give him this letter that I already wrote? My other thought is to pretend that we didn't have the conversation about giving platonic romance at all because I don't want it to "label" or strain the amazing, raw passion that we already share. Is it too late to pretend that we didn't have that conversation?
Buddhist Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Under no circumstances give him that letter. You will regret doing so. Those are your private thoughts and ramblings and he will not understand them anyway. Yes you can pretend you never had that conversation as long as you remember what your arrangement is all about. It's not a relationship, it's an arrangement. He has point blank told you he won't commit, believe him. Guys might lie about a lot of things but not usually this. 1
Author HoneyBeeLLX Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 @Buddhist, I certainly wouldn't call it a rambling, but you do have a very valid point haha. I just am terrified of what to say. I should have never brought this up in the first place. But honestly, it was the elephant in the room, and it had to be addressed. I mean how could go in a state of near love and not say anything?! I was feeling very confused by it all, to say the least.
writergal Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Ah to be young and in...a friends with benefits situation in college. OP, don't send him your letter of catharsis. Those letters serve one purpose: as a tool to vent feelings to help you calm down, before you discuss the situation again. I agree that you are in an awkward situation now that you have developed romantic feelings for your best friend who you have sex with. This is one of the pitfalls of having a friends with benefits situation -- when you can't stay emotionally detached from the other person. The best answer is that you just need to have an honest conversation with your friend about your feelings and how that has compromised your ability to maintain a casual sex relationship with him; because you want more although he told you that he doesn't want to give you more. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 It sounds like he really likes you - but he wants to keep it in the FWB zone. It sounds like you really like him - but want something more? Am I correct? When he said he'd indulge your feelings, I think he meant that he'd give you more of the intimacy that you want, but without the boundaries of being a committed couple. 1
Author HoneyBeeLLX Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 It sounds like he really likes you - but he wants to keep it in the FWB zone. It sounds like you really like him - but want something more? Am I correct? When he said he'd indulge your feelings, I think he meant that he'd give you more of the intimacy that you want, but without the boundaries of being a committed couple. Yes you hit the nail on the head! Aaah!! :S It is such a strange state of things. I've never, ever had someone say that they are okay with me openly loving them but in a platonic way, if that makes sense., nor have I ever wanted to do something like that. He is also the one who always kisses me in public, and his friends know we are fwbs. I just don't know what to make of it, and I think that is why I opened my mind to thinking "well, I actually do like this guy quite a bit". Now I'm not sure if I should close that down. I am leaning on the side of brushing it off and pretending I didn't mention it, so that we can continue on like we were. Conversation or not, it seems like doing that--continuing like we were-- would be the best of both worlds. An outright label might hurt the effortlessness of it all, which is one reason why its so enjoyable.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Do not give him the letter. And try to step out of the rush for a moment. You've known him a very short time. It's nowhere near long enough to claim it's almost love; you hardly know him at all. You get along well but don't mistake the initial chemistry for love yet. And I think you should be careful moving forward. He was very clear that he doesn't want a relationship; continue sleeping with him at your own risk. I fear you're going to wind up quite hurt here.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Yes you hit the nail on the head! Aaah!! :S It is such a strange state of things. I've never, ever had someone say that they are okay with me openly loving them but in a platonic way, if that makes sense., nor have I ever wanted to do something like that. He is also the one who always kisses me in public, and his friends know we are fwbs. I just don't know what to make of it, and I think that is why I opened my mind to thinking "well, I actually do like this guy quite a bit". Now I'm not sure if I should close that down. I am leaning on the side of brushing it off and pretending I didn't mention it, so that we can continue on like we were. Conversation or not, it seems like doing that--continuing like we were-- would be the best of both worlds. An outright label might hurt the effortlessness of it all, which is one reason why its so enjoyable. It sounds like hes OK indulging the romantic side of you by being with you in public. It sounds like you guys really connect on the friendship level. I know it hurts when your feelings aren't reciprocated (he doesn't want a relationship), but in a way he's meeting you halfway. Remember if you keep sleeping with him and harboring these feelings, there is potential that you could be hurt. I hope it works out for you two.
Author HoneyBeeLLX Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 It sounds like hes OK indulging the romantic side of you by being with you in public. It sounds like you guys really connect on the friendship level. I know it hurts when your feelings aren't reciprocated (he doesn't want a relationship), but in a way he's meeting you halfway. Remember if you keep sleeping with him and harboring these feelings, there is potential that you could be hurt. I hope it works out for you two. Thank you for the kind words. I definitely won't give him the letter, and I'm horrified that I even thought to do it. As far as still having sex with him, I'll just continue on for now because I really enjoy him. I do need to remember to keep everything in perspective though. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Thank you for the kind words. I definitely won't give him the letter, and I'm horrified that I even thought to do it. As far as still having sex with him, I'll just continue on for now because I really enjoy him. I do need to remember to keep everything in perspective though. Have you had a FWB arrangement before? If not, I would be careful. I think your feelings are already getting involved (which isn't unusual) so you need to ask yourself a couple questions: How would you feel if he starts sleeping with someone else? Will you be hurt if he starts dating someone else? I don't mean to be cynical, but I do think it's important to consider these possibilities. You need to protect your own heart first.
Author HoneyBeeLLX Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 Have you had a FWB arrangement before? If not, I would be careful. I think your feelings are already getting involved (which isn't unusual) so you need to ask yourself a couple questions: How would you feel if he starts sleeping with someone else? Will you be hurt if he starts dating someone else? I don't mean to be cynical, but I do think it's important to consider these possibilities. You need to protect your own heart first. I have had several fwbs in the past before. I have had no problem with this either. Some people are just not worth liking in a special way, and I have ****ed several guys who I've already forgotten about because it really is that easy to do. Some people are just not worth liking as anything more than a sex object. This new person is just different. It has nothing to do with FWB relationships being inherently problematic.
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