crackerjax9 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I'm a little concerned. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 2.5 years. He's great, most amazing guy I've ever met. Recently he asked me to move in and we decided on next month. I've noticed lately that our chemistry sexually or that spark isn't there. Every time we have sex it starts out awkward. Hes a little shy in the bedroom and never very aggressive and I need that! Our sex life has never been outrageous, hes not an amazing kisser but we always finish. I don't really have a desire to have sex and I also don't feel desired. Idk. Maybe bc I'm moving in im worrying more that us lacking in that department means we're doomed. Or I'm thinking my birth control is just really killing my sex drive--without it I get so horny! Idk what to do. I feel like I want to cry.
katiegrl Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Hmmm...speaking personally I really need to have strong sexual chemistry with my partner.. otherwise it's just not gonna work.. How important is it to you? Because he is who he is...and if he's not filled with sexual passion for you now, it's doubtful he ever will be. What I'm saying is you have two choices. Either accept him for who he is and what he does bring to the table...or move on. Hard choices I know...cause I know you love him. But then again, we only live once, and life is to short to settle for someone with whom we're not sexually compatible. I'm sorry...
Buddhist Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) I'm a little concerned. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 2.5 years. He's great, most amazing guy I've ever met. Recently he asked me to move in and we decided on next month. I've noticed lately that our chemistry sexually or that spark isn't there. Every time we have sex it starts out awkward. Hes a little shy in the bedroom and never very aggressive and I need that! Our sex life has never been outrageous, hes not an amazing kisser but we always finish. I don't really have a desire to have sex and I also don't feel desired. Idk. Maybe bc I'm moving in im worrying more that us lacking in that department means we're doomed. Or I'm thinking my birth control is just really killing my sex drive--without it I get so horny! Idk what to do. I feel like I want to cry. The spark, is a product of two people wanting each other. If this has gone it's because your sex has become routine. Break it up, don't keep following the same pattern it causes you to get into a rut. If you want him to take you, then you have to get him worked up enough to want to do that. I'm not going to divulge over the internet what I used to do in that situation. But basically, however you are initiating sex now.....stop it. Find a way, to get him so worked up, and so frustrated at the same time, that eventually he just wants to take you to the bedroom and teach you a lesson. Hint - it's usually got something to do with getting him aroused in a place and time where things cannot go further, he has to wait...until you get home, or somewhere private. But you have to do it right so he's not just turned off. Nearly every guy has enough natural aggression to do this, given the right circumstances. May the force be with you. Edited February 24, 2015 by Buddhist
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 The spark, is a product of two people wanting each other. If this has gone it's because your sex has become routine. Break it up, don't keep following the same pattern it causes you to get into a rut. If you want him to take you, then you have to get him worked up enough to want to do that. I'm not going to divulge over the internet what I used to do in that situation. But basically, however you are initiating sex now.....stop it. Find a way, to get him so worked up, and so frustrated at the same time, that eventually he just wants to take you to the bedroom and teach you a lesson. Hint - it's usually got something to do with getting him aroused in a place and time where things cannot go further, he has to wait...until you get home, or somewhere private. But you have to do it right so he's not just turned off. Nearly every guy has enough natural aggression to do this, given the right circumstances. May the force be with you. Thank you! That's a great idea. It has become so boring and so routine. He is very let's say conservative when it comes to certain things like toys in the bedroom so I think I stepped back and became awkward with myself sexually. And Im a sexual person so he can either take what I like or it just won't work.
Buddhist Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Thank you! That's a great idea. It has become so boring and so routine. He is very let's say conservative when it comes to certain things like toys in the bedroom so I think I stepped back and became awkward with myself sexually. And Im a sexual person so he can either take what I like or it just won't work. I will cop flack for saying this but.....inside every man is a pervert waiting to happen. You merely need to discover what his special little fantasties are and great sex is on the cards (as long as it's not something that completely turns you off). If he's not a toys guy then it could be because he feels that you don't think he's enough without them. But there will be a way to get this guy worked up, no doubt about it. If you are a toys person, have you had a look at some of the more discreet devices, like a clitoral vibrator that stimulates both of you while you are having intercourse? Much less intimidating than some other things. You control it, and he never needs to see it. Is he an illicit tryst kind of guy? Aroused by the suggestion of sexual activities in public? Keep searching until you find his hot button, because this has got to work for both of you. You can't just demand the kind of sex you personally prefer. That spark is about both of you being really turned on. Since you said it was recently lost, I imagine you had it at one time? Get it back.
sagamore Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I felt like this once about a great guy I'd been dating for years. We moved in and it highlighted differences in our sexual style. I felt like the spark was gone. So I asked a very conservative male friend, who had been married for ten years, "hey - is it true that at some point the spark is gone and you don't want to have sex much anymore? You're basically just friends?" And he shocked me when he said, "No, that's not how it should be. Sex is the glue that can get you through some tough times in life. That connection on a basic level should always be there." I have come back to this advice so many times. Sexual attraction and compatibility is so important. It sounds like you and your BF may have basic differences between you as to openness about sex, trying new things, and communication about sex. Don't feel like you have to minimize those concerns. Life is long and sex is a very, very important part of a marital relationship. PS - I broke up with that guy. My now-husband's first gift to me was a toy We are very happily married! 2
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 I will cop flack for saying this but.....inside every man is a pervert waiting to happen. You merely need to discover what his special little fantasties are and great sex is on the cards (as long as it's not something that completely turns you off). If he's not a toys guy then it could be because he feels that you don't think he's enough without them. But there will be a way to get this guy worked up, no doubt about it. If you are a toys person, have you had a look at some of the more discreet devices, like a clitoral vibrator that stimulates both of you while you are having intercourse? Much less intimidating than some other things. You control it, and he never needs to see it. Is he an illicit tryst kind of guy? Aroused by the suggestion of sexual activities in public? Keep searching until you find his hot button, because this has got to work for both of you. You can't just demand the kind of sex you personally prefer. That spark is about both of you being really turned on. Since you said it was recently lost, I imagine you had it at one time? Get it back. Thank you! He did feel emasculated by the toys I think. Before me he had never used them. I'll have to come up with some fun ideas to get us going.
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 I felt like this once about a great guy I'd been dating for years. We moved in and it highlighted differences in our sexual style. I felt like the spark was gone. So I asked a very conservative male friend, who had been married for ten years, "hey - is it true that at some point the spark is gone and you don't want to have sex much anymore? You're basically just friends?" And he shocked me when he said, "No, that's not how it should be. Sex is the glue that can get you through some tough times in life. That connection on a basic level should always be there." I have come back to this advice so many times. Sexual attraction and compatibility is so important. It sounds like you and your BF may have basic differences between you as to openness about sex, trying new things, and communication about sex. Don't feel like you have to minimize those concerns. Life is long and sex is a very, very important part of a marital relationship. PS - I broke up with that guy. My now-husband's first gift to me was a toy We are very happily married! Ahhhhh this post scares me. Thank you.
fitnessfan365 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Your boyfriend sounds like my best friend. I love the guy to death like a brother. But he is more of a "submissive" when it comes to the dynamic he has with women. He wants his girlfriend to make most of the plans, and wants her to always initiate sex. I'm the exact opposite. I'm very dominant and aggressive in bed and only date really feminine women. The kind of women that like a strong guy, want to dress sexy to push my buttons, and keep their hair long for pulling. When a woman feels safe and desired by a guy, she's naturally submissive to him. But when he acts like the woman in the relationship, her attraction and "spark" goes away. It sounds like what you need is a guy who will take you against a wall and make you be his good girl.
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Hahahah yes thats exactly what I want! I've told him that a few times. While the "love making" is great sometimes I just wanna be thrown against a wall or be dominated. He knows my feelings I think he's just shy. I'm his second girlfriend. He went to an all boys catholic school so maybe Im just more experienced than him and need to open that door for him. Question is how? I've done the toys, I've done the lingerie--while he loves it he'd rather me just be naked. He's literally perfect beside our sex life. He's treated me so well and is everything I want in a partner. I see him in my future and see him being the father to my kids. He would never cheat and betray me which is such a big part of my ex relationships. Help meeeee!
Macattack Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Hahahah yes thats exactly what I want! I've told him that a few times. While the "love making" is great sometimes I just wanna be thrown against a wall or be dominated. He knows my feelings I think he's just shy. I'm his second girlfriend. He went to an all boys catholic school so maybe Im just more experienced than him and need to open that door for him. Question is how? I've done the toys, I've done the lingerie--while he loves it he'd rather me just be naked. He's literally perfect beside our sex life. He's treated me so well and is everything I want in a partner. I see him in my future and see him being the father to my kids. He would never cheat and betray me which is such a big part of my ex relationships. Help meeeee! Be thrown against the wall? There is no way I would do such a thing. You realize a guy who is a radio host lost his job when his employers found out he was into BDSM.
fitnessfan365 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Hahahah yes thats exactly what I want! I've told him that a few times. While the "love making" is great sometimes I just wanna be thrown against a wall or be dominated. He knows my feelings I think he's just shy. I'm his second girlfriend. He went to an all boys catholic school so maybe Im just more experienced than him and need to open that door for him. Question is how? I've done the toys, I've done the lingerie--while he loves it he'd rather me just be naked. He's literally perfect beside our sex life. He's treated me so well and is everything I want in a partner. I see him in my future and see him being the father to my kids. He would never cheat and betray me which is such a big part of my ex relationships. Help meeeee! Haha.. Gotta admit, you're the type of woman I'm really attracted to. One that loves to be feminine and is really submissive in bed. Plus you seem like a genuinely good woman which makes you a woman in the streets and freak in the sheets. Rare combo, Shame he doesn't know what to do with you. I'm guessing your hair is extra long too isn't it? But ultimately it's not something you can teach him. It's an instinct that a guy either has or he doesn't. Since you've been with him for 2 1/2 years, he's shown you who he is and what it's like. So you either have to accept him or break up with him. Now I know this isn't what you want to hear, but he sounds like he's meant to be more of a friend than a lover to you. Be thrown against the wall? There is no way I would do such a thing. You realize a guy who is a radio host lost his job when his employers found out he was into BDSM. Oh come on dude. You don't think it literally means to throw a woman against a wall. It means that when you're kissing, you gently but forcefully take her against the wall and as she gets more aroused you lift her up, her legs wrap around you, you carry her into the bedroom, etc.. It's not rocket science. Edited February 25, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Are you hitting on me? Jk but idk I feel like I could teach him or at least try to. Just need to be creative. He's too good to just let go. I love him. I know sex is a big deal but its not everything. Gahh.
fitnessfan365 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Are you hitting on me? Jk but idk I feel like I could teach him or at least try to. Just need to be creative. He's too good to just let go. I love him. I know sex is a big deal but its not everything. Gahh. I'm just very direct and if a woman has attributes I find attractive I tell her so. But considering I've never even seen you, you could be 300lbs for all I know. Haha But in all seriousness, dominance comes from instinct. If a woman has to "teach" her guy to be more "dominant" in bed, then she's really in control which defeats the purpose.
Macattack Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Oh come on dude. You don't think it literally means to throw a woman against a wall. It means that when you're kissing, you gently but forcefully take her against the wall and as she gets more aroused you lift her up, her legs wrap around you, you carry her into the bedroom, etc.. It's not rocket science. I don't know does she mean bondage? I don't like getting aggressive with women period but that's me. Some women like being chocked and crap. The CBC fired the host of “Q” in October after seeing what it called “graphic evidence” that he had caused physical injury to a woman. Ghomeshi has admitted he engaged in “rough sex” but insisted it was always consensual. Fired CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi faces three new charges - Macleans.ca I would think twice being aggressive in bed. Edited February 25, 2015 by Macattack
fitnessfan365 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I don't know does she mean bondage? I don't like getting aggressive with women period but that's me. Some women like being chocked and crap. It's feminine psychology. A woman feels most feminine when she's able to surrender herself to the guy she's with. She knows that she's completely safe and he'd never hurt her. But it's the feeling of letting go and putting her trust in the guy to bring that element of danger that truly turns her on. Now I'll be the first to say that I hate BDSM. But, I am very aggressive and physically dominant sexually along with dirty talking, etc.. It's counter-intuitive because of all the movies and TV shows that make it seem like womn want the weak nice guy stalker type. But there's a lot of women that fantasize about being treated like a porn star in bed. You just need to find the balance of being gentle in public and a man in private. 1
Recommended Posts