rose87 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Hi everyone, So I wanted to share my story and could really use some advice. Sorry for the long story I'm studying medicine abroad.I have been in a relationship for the past 3.5 years, 2.5 years of which I've been engaged. My fiance lives in my homecountry. My fiance at the time I met him was living with his parents(Im asian so thats normal in the community) He is known to have a history with the ladies, he has been engaged before and he is know to have a temper. I was discouraged by some common friends not to proceed. Nevertheless we liked each other, and I thought the past was the past and he had been honest about it. He is my first bf/fiance. He lost his job. We got engaged, to be married a year later. He visited me at my medical school and things were going lovely till he went back home. A month after our engagement we had a huge fight, about basicly...nothing. About the way I communicate. He said things like are you deaf. I'm not used to such harsh fights. I was stunned. Nevertheless, since I just got engaged, I thought we'd work it out. Then again we had a massive fight, he revealed something about his past which made it clear we would have to get a seperate residence. He said he could probably only do this 2 years later (2014). Every other month we would have a fight in which he would tell me everything that was wrong about my way of communication. At first i would argue back. After a while I tried to communicate the way he wanted, which mostly failed since im an emotional person and just say whats on my mind and he isnt. I had during the course of our relationship asked repeatedly to get married religiously, and that we could do a big wedding later. he said it wasnt the right time etc. Whenever I was back home he would spend nearly every other day at my house. He and his family did come to discuss a wedding date in between more than once but the residence was an issue. Also my mother brought the topic up about having a job, which hurt him but he started looking and found a job. For the next year he kept getting and loosing a job due to his short temper. He says he knows to mentally break people verbally. I have a student loan and he keeps bringing the topic up again and again. I always said I would take care of it and that he didnt have to worry. But that was never good enough for him and since I mentioned wanting kids after marriage, he thought it would all eventually fall on his plate. Come 2014, he is working on getting a residence, nothing has materialized. i bug him about it. he gets angry. He spent less time at my house.The fights have been happening every month or so.With him getting more and more verbally harsh,and ignoring me for a day or so after a fight. If I wasnt my usual happy self immediatly, he wouldnt contact me, I would have to contact him when I was behaving 'normal' again. This happened during previous arguments also. I am trying to plan a wedding for october. He agrees. Me and my mother go abroad to visit my sister in the summer. I go back home to continue planning my own wedding but for some reasons at the last moment my mother informs me she cannot make it back home and has to stay with my sister for a few months. Nothing was finalized yet as for my wedding ( in my culture our elders do that) but the whole experience didnt go down well with my fiance and his family as they had told their friends and family about it. My fiance called my mother and postponed the wedding till February. My family perceived him to be rude on the phone, I felt he was just being direct. I didnt feel whatever happened was fair towards my fiance and had huge arguments with my family. I was physically threatened, and suffered emotionally. Mainly due to my brother. My fiance supported me amazingly during this time. He developed a dislike for my family. My fiance got his own residence, which had a lot of constructionwork to be done to it. I came to visit home in my winter break. My fiance had been very protective over me this entire time. He said I didnt have to worry about anything and he would even take care of my loans etc (mind you i never asked him to!) I was told my brother was going on a vacation so I would have the house to myself to just relax. Everything was going well till all of a sudden my brother showed up. I had massive anxiety. My fiance saw this and calmed me down. I had arguments with my family after which I stupidly asked my fiance if he could help me out financially after marriage for a few month till the end of medical school (about 5 months). He got angry and felt I dump all my issues on him. I apologized. His entire attitude changed after that. Before he was very protective but not anymore. At the point when I was at an emotional lowpoint he again brought up my student loan. He had a convo with me in which he said i half-ass my way through life, that I dont take care of myself, he said it suddenly smelled like pis,referring to my shoes maybe. That why do i expect that when he takes me out that we are getting something to eat, I should eat something from home ( to save money) etc.. basicly the entire convo was v humiliating. I asked him why his entire behaviour changed, especially since i had repeatedly apologized. He said he felt i dump my issues on him. He uses very abusive language when talking about my family to me. I was supposed to go back to uni. he drove me to the airport meanwhile on the way yelling at me about my loan and I was crying. after I stopped crying we didnt say a word the entire ride. He just stood there while I was managing my suitcase and didnt want to even hug goodbye but then at the last moment called me back and talked to me for a bit. I was furious when I went back. He knew I was going through a tough time yet fights with me over financial issues. I talked to him but not in my usual happy tone. I didnt initiate contact but responded when he did. This went on for about a week or so. I started my exams and we went without contact for 3 days, which infuriated him. At this point my anxiety levels were through the roof, on the one hand my family and on the other hand him. God knows how i got through those exams. He wanted to plan the wedding for feb, I told him lets deal with this after exams. He got v angry and threatened to break up with me. I begged him not to do that. I went back in feb after exams and he kept his distance. We only met a few times. My family was very much on the fence about him, and I was trying to convince them everything will be fine. I was experiencing stress dealing with everyone and started taking perscription meds to calm down. He started insisting to get the religious marriage done, and told me I was stupid and he doesnt even like me as a person. He says ive hurt him a lot by moving up the marriage again and again and that i have reduced him to tears. A day after he met up with me and gave me a gift of deep sentimental value.He said he would never leave me. I was so happy. He has now presented me with an ultimatum that if I dont get the religious marriage done with him within the week, he will break up with me. He isnt talking to me, nor responding to any texts. nothing. I feel like im going crazy. Ive never presented him with an ultimatum. I dont know what to do, Ive always loved him with all my heart. I dont know how to deal with anxiety and i guess my immediate responce is putting things off. I understand his frustration, but how am i supposed to marry him when he isnt even speaking to me?
Zahara Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) Are you blind? Or delusional? This guy verbally rages, tells you he knows how to mentally break people down, blames you for all communication issues, insults you about smelling like piss, fighting, he's controlling NOT protective, can't hold a job because of his bad temper and dysfunction, etc. and you're wondering how you're going to marry him if he's not talking to you? Get your education. Become independent. Get a career. Find a man that treats you well and is your equal. Do you think marriage is going to make things better. Trust he's only going to be worse to you when you are married to him. Edited February 24, 2015 by Zahara 3
mightycpa Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 He started insisting to get the religious marriage done, and told me I was stupid and he doesnt even like me as a person. I'm not sure why this doesn't answer your question 100%. 2
Author rose87 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) Thank you for your replies. But isn't his anger at this point justified coz the marriage has been delayed so much? He has done a lot of good things for me too like helping me get over my dads death, providing me with a home and getting a job when my family pointed that out. He was working hard to get the house ready on time for me.He has often brought me food when I was home alone so i didnt have to cook and whenever we went out he didnt let me pay for anything. But yeah the verbal part is difficult to handle.He apologizes but then it happens again.There wasnt any namecalling till recent coz of the delays. Not that it justifies it. Also whenever I point it it out he feels like im putting all the blame on him. U cant really communicate that way. Ultimatums make me feel like I should run for the hills to be honest. Edited February 24, 2015 by rose87
Hija77 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 You SHOULD run!! He is verbally abusive. You can't want to live that way. Who would? He wants to marry you, yet says he doesn't like you? There is literally no way for you to process that in a positive manner. It's cruel. He's an a#s, and I sincerely hope you don't marry him. Ler him torture someone else. You've reached out for advice, so you know this isn't right for you. Go with your gut. Good luck!
Zahara Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Ultimatums make me feel like I should run for the hills to be honest. All the other issues doesn't make you want to run for this hills?
Author rose87 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 All the other issues doesn't make you want to run for this hills? Yes, they do. Its just difficult to see how far things have deteriorated when you are in the middle of it and you truly care for that person.
Ruby65 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 For the next year he kept getting and loosing a job due to his short temper. He says he knows to mentally break people verbally. This man is an abuser. There are many examples of abusive behavior in your post. Be warned that this behavior ESCALATES over time -- it doesn't improve. If you marry him, his abuse will get worse and worse. It could become physical. Abusers prey on your self-esteem. Verbal abusers are even more dangerous than physical abusers because verbal abuse usually goes on longer and destroys your self-worth over YEARS. But yeah the verbal part is difficult to handle.He apologizes but then it happens again.There wasnt any namecalling till recent coz of the delays. Not that it justifies it. Also whenever I point it it out he feels like im putting all the blame on him. U cant really communicate that way. This is what abusers do. They explode, then they apologize and reel you back in. Then there's a honeymoon period.... followed by a period of building tension.... until they explode again. The cycle NEVER ENDS and it NEVER IMPROVES. It only gets worse! Don't marry this guy. Don't have children with this guy. Run run run from this guy!!!
Recommended Posts