Girlfriend has just been a complete buzzkill lately

[bucktoothbeyonce]

Hello everyone I'm new here and I really really really need some help here :/

 

I started dating this girl, and it has been about a month now. We all know how relationships start, everything feels amazing and it seems like you found the love of your life lol. Well, yeah, that's how it felt, and it hadn't really changed, she'd always call me love, and be super affectionate you know? Which I absolutely love! I love the feeling of being loved. And well after like a week or so things started going downhill, nothing serious, like bad stuff happening in her life that drove her to start talking a little less, and in the process she stopped being as loving and sweet, I kept my cool and stuck to being sweet and caring but not to an annoying point, just reasonable.

 

The few times we talked at that time were on facebook, so when I sent a message, I could see that she saw it, but would not reply. At first it was like it's whatever, but then it started being a constant and you know I was like "wtf is going on?", so I thought she might have lost interest and a bunch of other stuff, I brought it up to her and well she got mad because she was trying to "figure her **** out", turned out her mom was in the hospital so I'm like **** I messed up :/.

 

To get to the gist of it here and not waste anyone's time, the real issue starts now, she hasn't said I love you back for a bit now, hasn't called me love at all, just hasn't been caring like I pointed out before. And since she was sick and got some bad news that I won't go into detail, she was depressed so besides me talking to her, she got visited by her family and turns out that her ex showed up as well. She told me that her ex had showed up and in that same conversation pointed out how he was a good guy and that she left him because her life was complicated at one point and she didn't want to drag him with her. After hearing this I obviously start getting concerned, like why would she tell me this? So I asked if she had feelings for that guy still, she said that "it's complicated" which basically means yes but she doesn't want to tell me that just like it was nothing, that's what I assume at least.

 

So after she said that I went and told her to be fully honest about what she feels, that I didn't want to get in the way of her happiness so if she wanted to get back with him I'd want to know sooner rather than later. I asked her to tell me that if she loves me and she can get over him and anyone for that matter that she should let me know, but if by any chance she wants to get back with him, or just can't get over him, or found someone "better" that she should tell me as soon as she could. It was a crappy day to ask something like that because she was depressed but she can't expect to bring up something like that and that I'd let it go unnoticed.

 

After saying all this I obviously made it clear that she doesn't have to answer to that right away that she should take her time but not too long because the longer she takes the more it will hurt me, especially if she lies that she's over him and she's really not. Once she saw those messages she didn't reply at all, so now she's either mad, upset, or thoughtful, I got no clue.

 

But here I'm nervous and don't know what to do, in my opinion if she loves me then she shouldn't even have a doubt or else this won't work but that's my honest opinion and of course I've kept that to myself. I don't see myself capable of breaking up with her because I do love her so much even with all this, but I don't know if I'm being a dumbass by just being like that.

 

I honestly don't know what's going to happen next but I don't want it to end. Thanks in advance to anyone who bothered to even read this whole thing, thank you so much.

Edited February 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Dybbuk]

Just some things I notice...

 

1. A month is a short period of time to be in that full blown love phase. I think that this girl suffers from severe emotional highs/lows given her current situation... so this whole 'love' business after a month of dating is premature and more than likely a response to an emotional high, but not real love itself.

 

2. I feel you've been given big clues that she is pulling away from you and probably not as invested as you are in this relationship. The fact that you have outright asked her if she still has feelings for her ex and she replied with a "It's complicated" is a sign that he's not gone from her mind. Also talking less is a big sign that something isn't right. Communication is the blood flow in a relationship; it's what keeps it alive so to speak. Once a person stops communicating, things are destined to die off unless the issue is addressed. In my opinion, you haven't done anything 'wrong' to warrant a drop in communication (not like you picked a fight with her or did something that hurt her). So there isn't much you can do to fix it, minus what you've already done which is ask her to be truthful to you and address her own silence.

 

3. I know you said you were incapable of breaking it off with her because you love her, BUT I'd say you might need to be the one to confront her if she doesn't give you an answer about where you stand. If she still can't figure out where she stands, save face and walk away. Don't be the puppy that sticks around all loyal and sad while she continues to remain wishy washy. Have the dignity to walk away from it and find someone new. Honestly a month is not a lot of time invested, and there are women who are more emotionally available than her out there.

 

Best of luck, sorry for your situation!

[bucktoothbeyonce]

Thank you so much for the advice! Very thorough and made really good points. I don't know what to think exactly about the lack of communication, like I explained above, all that started when she was going through rough times, that's what she says at least.

 

So I don't know if I assume she's telling the truth or be suspicious, truth is after she brought up the whole having feelings for her ex, it's likely that the reason why the talking decreased is related to that, but like I said there's also a chance that it might be her needing time to figure her issues out, how should I approach her about it without incriminating?

 

Thanks for the help!