Adwand2k Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) Okay, so this is a long story, so please bear with me. I'm just in such an emotional state it's hard to see clearly. Just before Thanksgiving, me (27) and this girl (22) were brought together by a mutual friend. We had met a couple times prior, but nothing more than a few minutes and a few side glances. This mutual friend brought us together, and we decided to give it a shot. She's a loner, with very few friends. She doesn't trust people at all, and usually takes a while to get to know them. She also doesn't go out very much, choosing instead to stay home and draw. Our first month together was heaven. We went out once or twice every week, steadily growing in romantic involvement. We never had sex, but it did get very close one night after drinks. During that first month we talked every day for hours on end, asking one another questions about each other, and getting to know a lot about the other person and found we share desires in our lives (futures). There was a lot of affection, and the whole thing felt smooth and organic. To be honest, I'm not as experienced as she is in relationships or sex (I'm still a virgin, and have been in two real relationships that lasted longer than six months), but I legitimately feel connected to this girl, and know that if she is willing, we could have a happy life together. My gut just says so. Then the bomb hits. I find out after that month that she had recently gotten out of a long relationship with her on/off BF from high school. They had been living together in her apartment, and his stuff was still there, so she had been living instead with her parents until his stuff was gone. A couple days after we spent the night together at my place, the night we got drunk (I still live with my folks because of money), her ex BF attempted to kill himself and blamed her for it. She immediately shuts down, but still talks to me. She tells me she's emotionally destroyed. Then she says she thinks that we need to wait a few months before we kiss again so she can get to know me better. She then asks my opinion on that. I tell her that I don't think we should go backwards, but we can wait to move forward (by this point she also knows I want a relationship with her). She agreed that backwards was bad and that she was comfortable where we were. We've continued to see one another since then, making time for each other once a week. The conversation died down a lot, we don't ask very much anymore, and it seems like whenever we're together it devolves into a conversation about "what we are", to which she never says one way or another, but that I'm the only guy she's dating. We even went on a day trip and spent over 12 hours together without any awkward moments. We had one last date two weeks ago, and again I say things about how she makes me feel. She doesn't seem too bothered by it, but the following week she stops talking very much. She says she has a migraine, and has talked to nobody. We had plans to go to get drinks the day before VDay, but she cancels because of the migraine. I drop off a surprise for her at work on VDay, she really likes it so she says. We had plans to go out the day after, and she cancels again because of the migraine. Our conversation on the phone is for an hour, pleasant majority of the time, but a couple tense moments where she says she doesn't trust me just yet, and that we're not a couple yet. This past week, we talked a little. I told her I'd like to take her out Sunday (last night). She says it sounds good, and we continue talking. Sunday rolls around, she agrees on a time to meet me at my place, and that time comes and goes with no word. I hear nothing all night. This morning I get a message that says she collapsed on her floor after working out, and was scared when she awoke late that night on the floor. She says she's going to the doctor and says, "Just enjoy your week. I'm going to be okay, and I hope you're well." So it's now been two weeks since our last date, which was a weekly thing prior to that. Our mutual friend tells me she really likes me, and her parents like me a lot, but that she knows I want a girlfriend and she's not ready for that. However, she's not told me that herself beyond that one question about not kissing for a while. She just wont be honest with me about what she feels. It's as though she's afraid of hurting my feelings, or afraid that if she breaks it off that I'll start seeing other people and she'll lose me (I'm more outgoing, but I only have eyes for her). What can I tell her to make her be honest with me? I've told her I'll wait for her before, but I haven't lately. I want her to be able to be open with me like she was in the beginning, but we hardly talk. I'm ignoring her right now because I don't know what to say to her. I want to be there for her, especially if she's sick, but I don't know if she even wants me there. It's not in my nature to be absent, and she knows that. Can I do anything right now other than ignore her? Would telling her that I won't hurt her (and vice versa) help? Edited February 23, 2015 by Adwand2k
preraph Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I see no reason not to call her and see how she's doing. She needs to know someone cares. All this ex -bf stuff sounds like it's really tearing her up emotionally and that she's been under a lot of stress because of it. Just call her up and ask how she is, does she need anything. Do NOT try to talk to her about your relationship unless and until you go out again a couple of times at least. She's probably really tired of feeling pressured. 1
Omei Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Shes clearly not ready to date anyone new. But doesnt want to be alone so there's you.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 If you aren't having sex with her yet, then you are just there for comfort. Especially now that she won't kiss you for " a couple months " . I think the dream is dead. 1
Author Adwand2k Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 If you aren't having sex with her yet, then you are just there for comfort. Especially now that she won't kiss you for " a couple months " . I think the dream is dead. While the first part is true most likely, we have maintained what we had and still kiss whenever we're together. She asked about it, but she didn't stand by it. I'm not disagreeing with you, just clarifying that a little, haha.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 While the first part is true most likely, we have maintained what we had and still kiss whenever we're together. She asked about it, but she didn't stand by it. I'm not disagreeing with you, just clarifying that a little, haha. So she won't have sex with you but is maintaining other physical touching - AKA she hasn't gone stone cold on you? Hmm.. You're still charting into dangerous territory, it sounds like she has issues she needs to work out - and you can't help unfortunately. You can't be in a relationship with someone else until you can take care of yourself. However if she can't speak to you about her problems - that's a problem for you. I think you need to do one of two things: 1) Break it off with her. 2) Tell her how you feel - that you care about her and you want to be part of her life - and that she needs to open up to you more.
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