How to cope with his Relationship OCD

[4givrnt4gtr]

I've been married to my husband just about 6 months. Prior to getting married we dated for two years. It was a great relationship, with usual ups and downs but overall, really really good.

About 4 months into our engagement my fiancé began to experience severe anxiety and started to have intrusive thoughts about our relationship and his feelings for me. At the time I didn't know what that was and it really made no sense. We went from 0 problems, a devoted fiancé and a bright future together to "Im not sure if I love you enough, Im not sure if Im faking it, Im not sure if this is the right thing to do". Yet when I suggested we split up, he unraveled, said thats not what he wanted, that he loved me but his head kept asking if he was sure. He was in so much distress that he got physically sick for a week.

 

So hearing and seeing this i did research and someone here suggested R-OCD. A type of OCD that targets relationships. Earlier in our relationship I had noticed some OCD tendencies (aligning things perfectly in his room etc), and though I sort of noted it he just said he liked things neat. Given this I looked more into it and it looks like he fits this disorder to a T.

 

We talked about it, and somehow we got through it. After that situation the anxiety came back maybe once again but to a much lesser degree and he was able to cope with it. We went through with the wedding and we both were very very happy. Everything seemed to have calmed down and we figured the stress of the wedding and his job caused the anxiety.

 

Unfortunately, we were wrong. He once again started experiencing anxiety, starting about three months after our wedding. He always gets through them, and when he isn't anxious he is the most loving and kind husband I could ever ask for. Even when he is anxious, he feels horrible for putting me through it and is now going to therapy (where the therapist confirm it was OCD).

 

I am struggling because even though I know the thoughts aren't true and its just anxiety its hard to hear your brand new groom tell you he isn't sure he can stick it out. It breaks my heart every single time. Whenever he tells me this I give him the option to leave and he always breaks down and says that that is the last thing he wants to do. Once I calm myself down I am able to see what he is telling me for what it is, but its exhausting and I'm not sure how long I can put up with it. I need to know how am I supposed to respond to his spikes both for his and my sake.

 

I keep researching for support groups for spouses and partners of people with R-OCD but I can't find anything.

 

I was hoping anyone of you would know of any resources (or words of encouragement/ ideas as to how to deal with this).

 

I love my husband and I know we can have a wonderful life together if we can figure out how to handle this thing.

Edited February 23, 2015 by 4givrnt4gtr

[preraph]

He needs to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist for thorough testing and treatment. That's it. Don't take no for an answer.

[losangelena]

Yes, it's good he's going to a therapist, but it sounds like he may need medication as well.

 

As someone who's dealt with depression and anxiety, I can tell you it's no small problem. People think anxiety can be controlled or be solved with a lot of yoga and deep breathing. Those things help, sure, but it really needs proper treatment. OCD, especially. You both deserve to have a better relationship.

[todreaminblue]

i get really bad anxiety i dont have your husbands problem ..but my anxiety can often render me to my room where i stay avoiding contact. until i feel half way decent again..if i am in public and i have anxiety if i dont get it under control i am likely to run,......fight or flight...ill take flight unless i have no choice but to fight..and sometimes honestly the more i fight the anxiety and make it through it..... the stronger i feel

 

 

 

 

as far as relationships go....if i were experiencing the problems your husband has happening i would seek marriage counselling......and if i were you ...i would suggest it......i would choose this route over meds.....first....i would see my bishop or go through my church or seek a professional counsellor who dealt with couples.....together and not apart counselling but somewhere we had a mediator who dealt with strategies for both of us to do together..........if i were you i would also want to seek counselling to deal with the issues of exhaustion you feel and the hopelessness you obviously feel havign to go through repeated insecurities

[4givrnt4gtr]

He needs to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist for thorough testing and treatment. That's it. Don't take no for an answer.

 

Yes he is currently going to a specialized treatment clinic for OCD. He just started it last week, so Im hoping that helps.

 

However, though we kind of know what he needs to do. I have no idea what I should be doing when these things happen. Most of all, how do I cope with the sadness that this brings me.

 

Sometimes I can just see its not me, or us....but other times I get so mad that this is coloring what its supposed to be one of the best years of our lives as newly weds. Its frustrating.

[4givrnt4gtr]

i get really bad anxiety i dont have your husbands problem ..but my anxiety can often render me to my room where i stay avoiding contact. until i feel half way decent again..if i am in public and i have anxiety if i dont get it under control i am likely to run,......fight or flight...ill take flight unless i have no choice but to fight..and sometimes honestly the more i fight the anxiety and make it through it..... the stronger i feel

 

 

 

 

as far as relationships go....if i were experiencing the problems your husband has happening i would seek marriage counselling......and if i were you ...i would suggest it......i would choose this route over meds.....first....i would see my bishop or go through my church or seek a professional counsellor who dealt with couples.....together and not apart counselling but somewhere we had a mediator who dealt with strategies for both of us to do together..........if i were you i would also want to seek counselling to deal with the issues of exhaustion you feel and the hopelessness you obviously feel havign to go through repeated insecurities

 

We tried couple's counseling when the first anxiety attack happened. After 6 sessions the psychologists basically said we didn't seem to have much to work on and to be honest it didn't seem like couple's counseling was really the answer as his anxiety isn't based on something I do or don't do. Its just based on random intrusive thoughts.

 

I am however thinking about either trying to find a support group or my own therapist to learn how to better cope with this.

[2.50 a gallon]

All I can suggest is to be patient, there is help out there. But sometimes, it takes finding the right connection with the right person, who can guide him down the right path.

 

 

When you say anxiety attacks, are they like panic attacks?

[2.50 a gallon]

I was always the bold one. First day of school, age 4 and a half. I had already learned to climb a small tree in the front yard. On this day, I had graduated to big boy status, and big boys can hang by their knees. So when my younger sister and our younger friends wanted to know what school was like, I hung from my knees the first time and told them all about it.

At age 17, I talked some one else, to pretend to be my parents and signed the permission slip for my first parachute jump.

A year later, I found somebody to sign so I could drive stock cars at the local track.

At age 28, I was very much in love, my fiancé and I was watching the sunset from our third floor apartment. The first of several rain storms had just passed through and the setting sun was just below the clouds, lighting up the sky and a fantastic rainbow. As I was shooting pictures, the thought crossed my mind that the clouds from the following rain storm were going to cover us most of the night. And for some reason that set off my first panic attack. I had no idea what was happening. I could not find the words to explain it to my GF. I had never experienced fear like this.

Even though it went away, it scared me so bad as it was something I had never experienced and had no control of.

In the following months, when ever I saw a cloud, I would once again trigger.

At that time I had a formula race car that came just a few miles per hour away from hitting 200. I could drive the car in competition with my hiney but 3 inches from the ground. My back rest was my fuel cell so in sense I was sitting on a gas tank, doing 160 plus and more at times in traffic and call that fun.

Then get out of the car and see a distant cloud and be so afraid I was incapable of driving a regular car at 30 miles per hour.

In search of answers I saw, doctors, counselors, therapist, nutrionists, shrinks, you name it. And got no answers, and that only made matters worse. The attacks got stronger, they could last weeks. My fiancé stuck it out for another year plus, then walked away. Not all of it was from my anxiety, there were other factors such as an older sister who did not want her to marry me.

Two months later I found the right guy, who prescribed Ativan. It quelled all panic attacks within minutes.

There is hope you just have to find the right person.

[Gloria25]

How do I say this...

 

I did look at a past post or two in your history and I don't believe what is going on is some "illness" or "OCD"...

 

If I'm correct, your husband wasn't sure about getting married. And, the timeframe you expressed that this anxiety/OCD came about was a bit before and after the marriage.

 

Maybe it's time to ask him to be forward with you and let you know if this marriage is really what he wanted. I know that's a tough question to ask and face. Maybe do it with the marriage counselor there. Maybe speak to the marriage counselor before your next visit so the counselor can control the counseling session and make it his/her priority to gear the session into making your husband come clean as to whether or not this marriage was something he actually wanted.

 

That's why I advocate having kids like three years into being married. The couple really needs this time to bond as a married couple cuz dating, shacking up, being friends, etc. IS NOT the same thing once it's official and rings are put on fingers.

 

So, whatever is going on with him needs to be worked out before you guys start having kids and stuff, IMO.

 

So, yes, there's cold feet and all - but also, the first few months of marriage should be happy and joyous - not full of anxiety and stuff.

 

Also, maybe he needs to see a counselor privately because his anxieties about the RL may not have to do with marriage itself, but other issues (i.e. childhood trauma) that he may need to address privately so he can bring his best "self" to the RL. I say this cuz maybe you need to ask him to see a counselor not cuz of some "OCD" presumption, but cuz why the "marriage" is bringing him anxiety. In other words, you need him to see the right counselor for the right reasons. Think of it as going to a mechanic. If you don't know about cars and tell your mechanic there's a "tick", the mechanic is gonna look for a "tick" when it could be a "tock". A good counselor/mechanic would come back and tell you 'no, it wasn't a "tick", but a "tock". But, at the same time, a mechanic/counselor is only gonna look based on what you tell them to look for. Get my drift?

Edited February 24, 2015 by Gloria25

[Gloria25]

You know, I was reading a bit more of your thread and stuff and it got me thinking...

 

If I'm correct, you didn't date for 2 years THEN get engaged and set a date for the wedding?

It seems like you guys dated for a while, moved in, got engaged and married all within 2 years.

 

My fav podcaster had a call that seems to relate to this...in which she said that you don't plan the wedding DURING the 2 years you are dating someone, you plan the wedding AFTER you dating them for at least 2 years.

 

I think that your husband likes you and all, but he probably got "pushed" into marriage w/o 2 years of you dating taking place. I mean, he may like you and all that, but probably isn't ready to settle down yet...But, he probably doesn't want to lose you so he acquiesced and married you. He also may have married you cuz while he may not be ready for marriage "now" he probably figured you two would just be married on paper, and postpone kids and stuff till he's ready - but now fears that the next step is kids and stuff and he's still not ready yet.

 

You two may also have different ideas of what you want out of the marriage. Believe it or not, some married couples don't have/want kids. Maybe he wants to buy a bigger house and save before kids. Not sure if during marriage counseling you two were on the same sheet of paper as to what you want in a marriage...what your expectations are/were.

 

I mean, you did mention in some threads how he is still working on getting a career and stuff. So, he also is probably feeling pressured that he also isn't financially ready to take on a wife and kids (which may also tie into his lack of libido) cuz he's not feeling like "a man" cuz no matter what the women's movement says, guys still have a desire to provide and protect and if he's taken on the role of husband and potential father w/o his ability to earn established, he may be stressing and having anxiety.

 

So again, I think you two need marriage counseling - but he needs to come clean if he really wanted to marry you (or anyone). If wants to remain married - then he needs to level with you and let you know if he is having anxiety over not having his career/earning potential established and he fears he took on a wife and potential kids that he may not be ready for. Then, hopefully with the marriage counselor you two can work on a plan (ie finish school, no kids till 2 years from now) so hopefully his anxiety can go down.

 

But then again, it may not cuz no matter how much you plan and/or use BC, there's usually a failure rate and an "oops" baby may come. Again, why he also may be losing libido.

 

So again, time for some upfront counseling and decide if he wants and/or is ready for marriage. Cuz, seems like he wants you - but maybe not marriage and/or the same expectations you have about marriage.

Edited February 25, 2015 by Gloria25

[Shepp]

My fav podcaster had a call that seems to relate to this...in which she said that you don't plan the wedding DURING the 2 years you are dating someone, you plan the wedding AFTER you dating them for at least 2 years.

Ah says who!!!?

Loves not a science. Nor is a series of rules to be followed.

Your marriage doesn't work or fail based on how many of the "perfect relationship" boxes you ticked before you got married.

 

That is, frankly, bull---t!

 

Gee, my marriage would of been dead in the water before we walked down the aisle if we're judged on some set of rules some dude or girl deemed perfect!

Life dosent work like that.

 

NOR does any of that stuff cause anxiety!

Anxiety is a little like love really in the sense that there's no formula. There's certain circumstances that can increase odds. But no one size fits all!

 

 

I can't really tell you what to do or how to act. But if it helps, i'm claustrophobic - have been since I was 12, maybe younger (I remember hate car washes from a really young age), no reason for it - I was never trapped anywhere, my folks didn't have it, and ive never been bullied in my a day in my life. It just happened. Lifts, rooms without windows, locked in a car with central locking. People often say "im claustrophobic" cause they don't like small spaces (same as they do "OCD" if they like things neat) but if your heart is thumping in your ears and you don't get that pain in your chest and feel sick in your stomach. Then its a dislike not anxiety.

But, now i'm a firefighter, I run into small, confined, burning spaces for a living. I never went to shrinks or what have you - if it helps you, great! but it was never my thing. For me it was always something I needed to do myself, something I needed to sort out in my own head.

I made a decision that its something I'll have to live with, but that its not something I was ever going to let hold me back in life. So I decided to never let it factor in a decision I made. Whenever I think about where to go, what action to take, I put any claustrophobic feelings aside and make the decision with a clear head. Then if the action involves a small space I deal with that as it happens.

With my work especially its helped me to be able to think.. I want to go in there and do my job more than I'm scared of it.

For me like duty, responsibility is stronger than the anxiety, and even the biggest task can be broken down into little objectives. And then once you've conquered it you know you can always conquer it cause you've done it before - the anxiety is one thing but being scared of the anxiety is another...

Its easy when your in a small space to be like "this is a small space, I don't like that, hearts thumping, ****" and panic. But now I can be like "this is a small space, hearts thumping, focus Alfie, right here right now, job to do, people relying on you, keep going".

Strange in a way but going to the extreme is good for me, I can get in the tightest space as a firefighter no worries, but inspite of most people not even understanding that I am properly claustrophobic (not just "i don't like small spaces claustrophobic) I still won't get in lifts, or lock the car door or anything like that - cause.. im a man of logic, and I can never find a strong enough logical reason to make myself go into a situation like that.

 

Not that I'm saying that's the answer for your hubby. I'm just saying there is an answer, you just have to find it.

Nothing is impossible, certain things are harder for certain people but nothing is unachievable for anyone.

 

He just has to work out what works for him! I'd tell him to not panic because he's panicking, to take a minuet, remember you need him to keep it together, and do something that requires 100% focus in the present moment. Focus is a massive thing, focus completely on the moment, on the present objective, don't let your mind wander to other things or race ahead. And that objects are good like a necklace or a ring that you can look at, touch, and that remind you why your doing something (be it a job, be it a relationship) remind you of the people counting on you...just another way of focusing really!

But if I said that i'd simply be projecting myself onto him, and that's what you cant do. That's why you cant fix it for him. Nor can shrinks. He has to sort it himself.

 

 

Its the same with anything really...like my wife will marvel at the fact im always pretty upbeat, she thinks its like a little kid cause it doesn't take much to make me happy but she'll never see through my eyes so theres no way I can ever show her that i'm not happy cause its sunny or snowing or I found an old yoyo I had as a kid - i'm happy cause she's there with me!! Probably rolling her eyes why she tries not to laugh! ...you cant show people stuff like that, words are just words after all, the really big stuff confidence and self image and battling issues has to come from within yourself.

 

Just stand by him while he does it.

[Gloria25]

Ah says who!!!?

Loves not a science. Nor is a series of rules to be followed.

Your marriage doesn't work or fail based on how many of the "perfect relationship" boxes you ticked before you got married.

 

There's no "formula" when it comes to dating, but at a minimum and based on my fav podcaster's years of experience in family/relationship counseling - it takes a minimum of at least 1 1/2 to 2 years of "dating" (not being friends, not working together, not shacking up) to "really" get to know someone.

 

You just don't walk up to someone and say "oh, I wanna marry you" in a month or few of dating and start planning a wedding. What do you know about them in a few months to know they're marriage material? Cuz you two go out to movies and like the same type of popcorn? That does not make a marriage.

 

So, ideally, even "if" you are dating for the purpose of marriage (and not wanting to sleep around) and you meet someone you "think" has marriage potential. Take the two years to "date" them and upon the two years if you still feel the same way, then get engaged and start planning the weeding. And, during engagement, sit down with a marriage counselor. Cuz, again, many people marry cuz they spent a few months with someone and think going to the movies and liking the same popcorn is what makes a solid marriage and marriage counseling brings to light all the "unromantic" and practical things that need to be addressed by the couple before considering marriage.

 

That is, frankly, bull---t!

 

Gee, my marriage would of been dead in the water before we walked down the aisle if we're judged on some set of rules some dude or girl deemed perfect!

Life dosent work like that.

 

No RL is perfect, no RL is the same. But you have a higher chance of success if you do it right. Some people enter into RLs that are not perfect and they tough it out. Some crash and burn. The OPs situation looks like it's crashing and burning cuz, IMO, it was a rush to the altar.

 

So, I gave her some advice here, and hopefully they can pull it together.

 

NOR does any of that stuff cause anxiety!

Anxiety is a little like love really in the sense that there's no formula. There's certain circumstances that can increase odds. But no one size fits all!

 

On top of my answers in bold above ^^, no, anxiety can be caused by many of things - but based on what the OP posted, the anxiety seems to have come about at milestones surrounding the engagement and the actual marriage itself. So, my answers have been geared towards what the OP presented.

[Shepp]

There's no "formula" when it comes to dating, but at a minimum and based on my fav podcaster's years of experience in family/relationship counseling - it takes a minimum of at least 1 1/2 to 2 years of "dating" (not being friends, not working together, not shacking up) to "really" get to know someone.

I disagree! I just don't think you can begin to put a time on that kind of thing. I think some folk by way of shared experiences etc could know each other better in two months than others do in two years!

 

You just don't walk up to someone and say "oh, I wanna marry you" in a month or few of dating and start planning a wedding. What do you know about them in a few months to know they're marriage material? Cuz you two go out to movies and like the same type of popcorn? That does not make a marriage.

I walked down the aisle after 14 months. I defy anyone in the world to know that girl better than I do/did!

I don't think you can look at a 2 year relationship of run of the mill good time dating and compare it to a shorter time which included everything from movies, to wayyy more, I sat with her by her mums grave all night, she sat by my hospital bed, we both sat in the NICU by two premature babies. That stuffs what counts, standing together in the hard times.

Not that my relationship is how it should all be done. I just think rules and timescales are stupid. Sure if you take two identical relationships one 2yrs olf one 1yr old logic suggests the 2 year relationship folks will know more about each other but no two relationships are the same.

 

So, ideally, even "if" you are dating for the purpose of marriage (and not wanting to sleep around) and you meet someone you "think" has marriage potential. Take the two years to "date" them and upon the two years if you still feel the same way, then get engaged and start planning the weeding. And, during engagement, sit down with a marriage counselor.

I call that living for tomorrow!

My grandparents have been married 60 years and never had a days counselling in their life.

I think all this new fangled thinking does nothing except overcomplicate the very thing that should just come natural.

 

But you have a higher chance of success if you do it right.

I disagree that there is a "right"..

 

 

The OPs situation looks like it's crashing and burning cuz, IMO, it was a rush to the altar.

The change of marriage might of sparked the issue, but that could be of happened whenever the change happened - regardless of how long they took to get married!

 

 

 

 

But anyway, none of that is particularly helpful to you OP so i'll shut up now!

[Satu]

he needs to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist for thorough testing and treatment. That's it. Don't take no for an answer.

 

^^^ this ^^^

[Gloria25]

^^^ this ^^^

 

But testing and treatment for what? "Relationship OCD"?

 

Like autumnight posted in another thread, sometimes people want to label someone with having an "illness", "condition" and/or "disease" instead of addressing what's really going on.

 

I think people feel better when they can "label" what's going on with someone cuz that means they can "fix" and/or "treat" it instead of dealing with an ugly reality (which in this case may be that the OP's husband didn't want to get married and/or didn't want to get married to "her").

 

Cuz, think about it, you can't "fix" or "treat" someone not wanting you and/or wanting commitment in marriage. But, if you label it an "illness" you can treat and/or cure it and all will be well, right?

[badpenny]

4givrnt4gtr I hate to say it, but you're not helping by giving him the option of leaving, which he then of course, begs you to not do....That just adds to his anxiety.

 

I think it's high time for you to (sorry, but this is the saying) "Sh*t or get off the pot."

 

He is gaining all the support and counselling, therapy and medication it's possible for him to get.

The person being neglected in all of this, is you.

 

You clealy only have 2 options: You either approach his doctors and ask for some kind of therapeutic assistance for yourself - or, even though you love him to bits, consider whether this is indeed, a healthy way for you to continue.

 

At the risk of sounding callous, this OCD is his problem, not yours.

Sadly, if he was deeply in love and married to someone else, he would still suffer this condition. Because it's inherent in him, and not of your making. And you need to come to terms with the fact that he may never be 'cured'. He may just come to a point where it's 'managed'.

 

rather like any ingrained, repetitive psychologically-based behaviour (be it drugs, alcohol, Anger, sex) a person always has the condition.

It's just how much tht person is truly willing and able to confront it face on, that matters.

 

But continually suggesting you leave, drives him further bananas.

So you either need to find assistance via the same means as he is, or decide whether you can live with this, perhaps for good.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thank you all for your input.

 

BADPENNY: I fully agree with you...I must make up my mind. In fact, I did after much thought. I married this man, knowing full well about this anxiety and fear. I love him regardless so, like I told him a when we got back from our last trip. I am fully committed and I will be here no matter what. Its a choice and commitment I made when we got married, and its one I intent to keep. Also, after learning more about OCD, I know putting pressure on him makes it worse and treating the thoughts as real is enabling. I am committed to help him and myself by establishing healthy boundaries (ie. not engaging in the thoughts with him) and being kind to us and our relationship.

 

GLORIA: First, I want to say that although I thank you got taking the time to respond and look back at my posts, I noticed that you made many assumptions about me and my relationship that turned my relationship into something that it isn't. For example, assuming I pressured him to marry me or that he felt pressured somehow, when in reality, he was the one pursuing me from the get go and talking about marriage and children very early in the relationship.

 

When you put the spin that he was pressured, of course it makes it obvious that what he is experiencing is true ambivalence as opposed to intrusive thoughts that are unwelcome (which is the case).

 

Also, I'm not sure where you got the 2 year timeline, but I would suggest you be careful making assurances about things like that without before making sure there is some validity to those assertions (ie. several research studies that have confirm those findings). Not everything you read online is true.

 

Now to answer some of the questions/assertion you've made, just to make it clear so the situation is presented as it actually is.

 

You said that you looked back at some posts I made and that in them I said that he wasn't sure about marrying me.

 

Thats basically when it all started. One fine day, four months before we got married, he freaked out and told me he was having thoughts about whether he loved me enough or not.

 

When all that happened I freaked out too, because i wasn't expecting any of it. I gave him the ring back and told him I didn't want to marry him unless he was 100% sure he loved me. We decided to take a step back, just "date" and see what would happen. I also stopped pressuring him for an answer and basically took someone's advice here. (It was great advice!).

 

After he calmed down, about a week to two later, he told me he felt much better, that he was sure he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and gave me the ring back.

 

So basically, I didn't just marry him without trying as best as I could to ensure we were making the right choice. Soon after that happened someone here also suggested I looked up R-OCD, and sure enough everything he was telling me was spelled out in all the research articles I found. When I showed him, he also recognized that it was exactly what he had been thinking and felt relieved to know he wasn't crazy.

 

Regardless of that knowledge I have asked him time and time again, once the anxiety came back, if this is what he wanted, to marry me. I also let him know in no uncertain terms that I would not be destroyed or irreparably hurt if he told me he wanted out. (Now I know its something I should never do, according to the therapist he is seeing and the books I've read).

 

He has never said he wants out. In fact he says that he wants this marriage more than anything, but the thoughts keep tormenting him. Yet he says that regardless of the thought he will never leave me.

 

In regards to our timeline we got married 2.5 years after we started dating. Not sure where you heard there is a specific timeline. I've never heard of it. The only timeline I know of is the one year honeymoon period and as Shepp said, we've gone through a lot together in that time (surgeries, cancer etc) to know we can tackle it and how we work together. Like I said, we had very minimal problems and we both were very happy for a long time before this came up.

 

Also, when we started dating we both knew what we wanted. We were both looking for long term/marriage relationship and from the get go, we discussed big issues like children, money, career, etc to ensure we both wanted the same thing. In fact, we met through a website specifically for that type of relationship. The only issue that came up was career, as he wanted to quit and become a writer. Initially I wasn't sure how we would make that work, but after talking with him and looking at our options, we found a situation that allows me to follow my own dream that I thought I would have to let go if I wanted to have a family, while also allowing him to pursue his. He is still on the middle of trying to figure out how he will make it work for himself, but he knows he has my support.

 

I never pressured him to get married, at all. If anything, he was often the one bringing up marriage and even children. He always sounded so sure and eager to start a family with me prior to that first freak out and even now when he isn't feeling anxious. So, given all this I am pretty certain he actually wants to be with me in this marriage (I mean, if not he is a serious masochist, given the many times I open the door for him to go if that's what he wanted).

 

And yes, we did do couple's counseling when all this first happened. The counselor basically said his anxiety was raised due to a big life changing event, which he has never had to face before. He gave us some tools for better communication, ensured we had discussed all the big issues about marriage and gave us our walking papers saying we have a strong healthy relationship despite his anxiety.

 

In any case, yes I agree that often it is easier to say "oh they have this and that" than just face an ugly truth. However, I have always tended to be more of the "run for the hills" camp in the relationships where I felt the guy I was dating didn't truly love me or was with me for ulterior motives. I am more afraid of being with someone for the wrong reasons than being alone. I guess this is why I still questioned my husband about his true desire to stay or go despite being pretty sure its OCD.

 

In this case, for me it would be easier to cut and run, because I know I can be happy on my own, but I love this man dearly, and I know he loves me too. I feel it every day, including when he is panicky. So I am putting my big girl pants on, and take this head on with him because that is what marriage is about, despite the rainbows and butterfly fairytales promise us (And despite what you may believe, the first year of marriage is NOT actually as rosy as we all been fed, its actually the hardest year of most couples' lives...look it up...and by look it up I mean in research articles, not some joe schmoo online).

 

I am happy to report too that he is going to therapy and as I said before, the diagnosis was confirmed by a psychologist. So far, he says he is relieved to hear what he experiences so clearly put by the therapist without him having to say it because it validates him and he is now learning some good coping skills.

 

Now its my turn to figure out how to take care of me.....I wish there were support groups or something but I have yet to find one.

Edited February 27, 2015 by 4givrnt4gtr

[badpenny]

Have you spoken to his doctor or therapist? They may be able to put you in touch with A support Group of a kind, even if it's not specifically concerned with this particular condition....