Is it the relationship, or is it me?

[rockthefaces]

I don't know if this will help me, but it's an outlet to talk, and I'm hoping someone might have some insight, similar experiences to share, etc.

 

Background: I've been in a relationship with a woman for about a year and nine months. It has, for the most part, been at the least OK - we have one long-standing and continuing issue in that she has a real problem with the fact that I play in a band with the woman I was with before her, even though I was the one who initiated that breakup, I was up front about it from the beginning, and my ex and I are on strictly platonic terms, with boundaries that are respected by both of us. We've fought about that for literally over a year. Anyway. Other than that, we get along fine, can generally have a good time together, our sex life is healthy, etc.

 

But I am thinking about ending the relationship. She wants to move in together in a few months, and that potential event has me evaluating the whole thing. There's nothing *wrong* with her, per se - I mean, there are things she does that drive me crazy (she's a hypochondriac and catastrophizer, she's much more dependent in the relationship than I am, she can be fairly negative, and has some big insecurity issues), but I don't know if they're necessarily deal breakers - and she is, at heart, a kind, caring person who obviously loves me a great deal. At the same time, I find myself feeling restless and uncomfortable. I daydream about being single - not because I want to go out and sleep with a bunch of women, but because of the independence of it, the lack of responsibility for someone else's happiness. My girlfriend has told me she'd be "devastated" if we ever broke up and has used phrases like "You're my world" as terms of affection, and both freak me out because the idea that I have that much power to affect someone's emotional well-being is terrifying to me.

 

So, OK...end it, right? But I worry. I worry because this is something of a pattern with me. I acknowledge that I have a fear of commitment. Philosophically, I love the idea of finding my person, the one who I'll want to spend my life with...but in reality, I've never been able to reconcile that desire with the need for independence and self-determination that feel so much a part of me, both of which are, if we're speaking realistically, unavoidably at least partially diminished in a committed, long-term relationship. I am constantly questioning if there might be someone out there better suited to me - I mean, I acknowledge that every relationship has issues and problems and nobody's perfect, but I can't shake that feeling. But I can *never* shake that feeling, in any relationship.

 

I don't know. Have you read the book (or seen the movie) High Fidelity? The main character in that has to deal with the fact that he's unable to be happy with what he has, and comes to realize that jumping from rock to rock isn't the way to go. He has the classic line, "I've been thinking with my guts since I was fourteen years old, and frankly speaking, between you and me, I have come to the conclusion that my guts have **** for brains." And I feel that's true. My gut is telling me to leave but, over the course of my romantic life, my gut has led me to bad decision after bad decision. I don't trust myself. And I don't know whether the problems I'm having with this relationship are due to that, or due to the relationship actually not being one in which I should be taking the steps we're talking about taking.

 

How do I figure that out? How do I know if this is something I just need to work on within myself, or if the relationship, as adequate as it's been, is truly not one I should be taking to these next levels? I'm so torn over this. Breaking up with my girlfriend would crush her - I'm not an egoist, but she's flat-out told me it would, and the thought of causing her that pain fills me with dread and sadness. And I'd rather not go down that road if this is a matter of me learning to be happy with what's in front of me, learning to be able to commit, learning to accept the loss of certain independence in exchange for other benefits. But if the problems are real enough for it to matter, then trying to make it work, taking the step to move in together, would be a HUGE mistake.

 

I have to decide this so soon, and it's killing me. Help.

[Ruby65]

It doesn't sound like you're in love with her.

 

I can't see anything wrong with her wanting to move in together after a year and nine months, it seems like a good amount of time. And I've been in bands and dated musicians and if one of them was in a band with an ex, it would really bother me (unless she was ugly, older and married to someone else) so I can't fault her there.

 

You don't mention your age... which also plays into the equation. Early 20s, I'd say it's a little soon to be thinking of settling down. In your 30s is time to commit to someone, already. In your 40s and you're a commitment phobe.

 

But all that aside... it just doesn't sound like you're really IN LOVE with her.

 

Personally, I wouldn't settle for a "just okay" relationship. But what do I know? Nothing. But that's my thing.... I'd rather be alone than settle. I got a divorce rather than settle. I'd rather have cats than settle.

 

Also, you're not really doing your girlfriend any favors because she's in love with you and wants you to be The One. She wants to make a life with you. And if you're just "meh" about her.... then you're frankly just a huge time suck for her. You think you've got commitment issues? Get yourself a therapist and work those out on YOUR time, don't drag some well-meaning girlfriend down into your morass.

 

And if you're *already* having doubts after just a year and a half... imagine SEVEN YEARS FROM NOW. You're fantasizing about being single NOW? Now is the salad days, my friend. You're barely out of the honeymoon phase, you've got zero responsibilities, you're both young and healthy and you have NO CHILDREN.

 

Just my take, but I say if you're not feeling it.... you're not feeling it. Let her find someone who's thrilled to be The One!

[rockthefaces]

I appreciate the input. And, believe me, the thought of not wanting to waste this woman's time is a big part of all of this. In my younger days (to answer the age question, I'm in my late 30s, she's in her mid-30s), I did a lot of that, hanging around in situations I knew weren't right out of cowardice and conflict avoidance, and wasting people's time. It's something I'm resolved not to do again, which is why I know I have to act on all of this, soon. Believe me, if I were 100% sure that this wasn't the right situation for me, I wouldn't mess around.

 

I guess the problem for me is that this doesn't feel that cut-and-dry. It's not a square peg-round hole kind of situation - more like round peg, slightly differently shaped round hole type of thing, if that metaphor makes any sense, at all. She's really great in a lot of ways. The fact that I even think about wanting out at all fills me with a lot of self-loathing. But I can't deny that it's there.

[Ruby65]

Yeah -- if you're in your late 30's and you're thinking of bailing on your girlfriend because she just asked you to MOVE IN TOGETHER after almost two years? You've got commitment problems.

 

See a therapist and don't get into anymore relationships until you've gotten to the root of your problems. Either that, or only date girls in their early 20's because they'll be on the same page as you, commitment-wise.

 

But you shouldn't waste anymore of this -- or ANY -- woman's time until you get your act together.

 

Just my opinion.