Fernando2826 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I want to ask a question about my now ex and I and would love to know what you all think. It was an adoration at first sight for both of us. She referred to me as an "ABSOLUTE HOTTIE" in a message to a friend of hers and I felt the same way. We were together for 6 months. During this time we spent a lot of time together and had some great times. I became very involved with her family and we had a magical trip to Barcelona. She would say things like, "I feel as though I've met my soulmate, I want to spend the rest of my life with you", "We'll come back to Barcelona in 10 years times, we'll leave the kids with my sister and come back", "Having an abortion would be much harder knowing that it would be yours" and wrote things in her diary (As reported by a friend of hers) things such as 'Once we go to university, I really want this to work', and 'I can see our lives together, we'll have two dogs named etc.... I just wish that we could have it all now'. Well we went away to university promising to make it work but within 3 weeks she had shared a bed with another guy, may well have cheated and spent the entire duration of my visit texting him in front of me. When we broke up she seemed unphased but broke down into tears as I left, saying that she didn't want to say goodbye. Obviously I am a touch confused. The new guy is better looking but not drastically. I find myself wondering whether she meant anything she said, or whether it was a firework kind of relationship? Please feel free to offer any thoughts
Satu Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 She said some nice words to you, and then went on to do some things that didn't match up with the words. Words aren't enough. I would say that she did care, but not enough and not for very long. No contact is your best way forward. 2
Frank2thepoint Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 "Having an abortion would be much harder knowing that it would be yours" Drama queen alert. Having her cheat on you was the least of your worries. Be thankful that you are no longer in a relationship with her. Do not ever contact her or respond to her contact. Take time to heal and move on. Learn from this experience and try to avoid a similar type of girl in the future. 1
dichotomy Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Many people, and I would say women in particular, love the highsof a new love, they get all wound up emotionally. Their brains like the flood of chemicals andemotions. She did have feelings for you – its just he has them easily for others as well. I know this kind of woman well So not a lie at all about you being a hottie – just she see hottieand love possibilities all over. Immature, and a bit shallow, kind of chick flick fantasy stuff, but not dishonest. 1
Author Fernando2826 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 She said some nice words to you, and then went on to do some things that didn't match up with the words. Words aren't enough. I would say that she did care, but not enough and not for very long. No contact is your best way forward. Thanks for your reponse. I've read that infatuation can feel like love but fades very quickly once separated and woder whether it was just an infatuation? What leads me to think this is that it wasn't just spoken i.e. to persuade me, but was written in her diary i.e. intended only for herself.
Author Fernando2826 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 Many people, and I would say women in particular, love the highsof a new love, they get all wound up emotionally. Their brains like the flood of chemicals andemotions. She did have feelings for you – its just he has them easily for others as well. I know this kind of woman well So not a lie at all about you being a hottie – just she see hottieand love possibilities all over. Immature, and a bit shallow, kind of chick flick fantasy stuff, but not dishonest. Thanks for your reply. When you say she sees them everywhere, do you mean that she has low standards or just that anyone she is attracted to represents a new "perfect love" possibility?
dichotomy Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Thanks for your reply. When you say she sees them everywhere, do you mean that she has low standards or just that anyone she is attracted to represents a new "perfect love" possibility? Not low standards exactly, its just that romantically (rather than just sex) she can be like a little girl in a toy or candy store. In many cases it not just the sex, but the drama rama of "love" and "romance" and "soul mates". Lots of chick flicks out there with this kind of thing. Also if you ever seen little girls (school age) running around deciding which boy on the playground they are going to marry, or who loves who ...you get the immaturity of this. On the more serious side (less immature than your ex GF) there are actually people who are polyamorous in nature and can be in love with several people at a time. 1
Satu Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Thanks for your reponse. I've read that infatuation can feel like love but fades very quickly once separated and woder whether it was just an infatuation? *What leads me to think this is that it wasn't just spoken i.e. to persuade me, but was written in her diary i.e. intended only for herself. *I'm sure that she meant what she said when she said it, but there was no sustained follow-through, which is what needs to be there for a relationship to prosper. 1
dichotomy Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) Here is a hard earned tip next time a female says they "I love you"..... ask them "what does loving someone mean to you?" "how do you know you love me" or "what is real love?" "how many times have you loved someone?" "if someone cheats on you - do they love you"....and more deep questions. I hate to sound sexist, but guys (not players) rarely throw that word around because we know it means a crap load of commitment and exclusivity - its a rare thing. This board is full of problems resulting from two people assuming the other shared the same meaning to the words "I love you". Many of us here have debated what love means in a relationship. Edited February 23, 2015 by dichotomy
Author Fernando2826 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 Not low standards exactly, its just that romantically (rather than just sex) she can be like a little girl in a toy or candy store. In many cases it not just the sex, but the drama rama of "love" and "romance" and "soul mates". Lots of chick flicks out there with this kind of thing. Also if you ever seen little girls (school age) running around deciding which boy on the playground they are going to marry, or who loves who ...you get the immaturity of this. On the more serious side (less immature than your ex GF) there are actually people who are polyamorous in nature and can be in love with several people at a time. So whenever she sees a guy that she likes the look of she'll begin to idealise him? Then quickly start to believe, if they get together, that this guy is the one etc?
Author Fernando2826 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 This is uncannily familiar: Histrionic Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central
dichotomy Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 So whenever she sees a guy that she likes the look of she'll begin to idealise him? Then quickly start to believe, if they get together, that this guy is the one etc? Yes, and its not really idealizing him deeply personally, but putting him into a role in her mind/heart. Oh boy ! he could be the one ! It is kind of fun to play this way.....
autumnnight Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Do some reading on limerance. It's that "I know I'm more in love than I've ever been...sigh....swoon" thing that I think women especially are vulnerable to in new relationships. As far as wondering if she ever cared....I am in that same position right now. This might be delusional, but here's how I reconcile it: He meant what he said in that moment as much as he possible could, but he didn't have the depth and follow through to stick it out. That tells me that yes, he had some feelings for me, but he wasn't long term material. So while it hurt to have him disappear, in the long run he did me a favor. 2
Author Fernando2826 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 Do some reading on limerance. It's that "I know I'm more in love than I've ever been...sigh....swoon" thing that I think women especially are vulnerable to in new relationships. As far as wondering if she ever cared....I am in that same position right now. This might be delusional, but here's how I reconcile it: He meant what he said in that moment as much as he possible could, but he didn't have the depth and follow through to stick it out. That tells me that yes, he had some feelings for me, but he wasn't long term material. So while it hurt to have him disappear, in the long run he did me a favor. I have come to the same conclusion. Based upon the fact that she didn't just say these things, and in a completely convincing manner, but that she wrote privately that she wanted the relaitonship to work and that she wanted a life with me.
autumnnight Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I have come to the same conclusion. Based upon the fact that she didn't just say these things, and in a completely convincing manner, but that she wrote privately that she wanted the relaitonship to work and that she wanted a life with me. I apologize for this very "womany" example: In Sense and Sensibility, there is a scene where Elinor is telling Marianne about why Willoughby had to leave her, etc. She told Marianne, "In the end, you can at least be certain that he loved you." Marianne sighed and replied, "Yes, but not enough." I think some people just can't, or won't, love enough. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 What leads me to think this is that it wasn't just spoken i.e. to persuade me, but was written in her diary i.e. intended only for herself. You read her diary? That's like going through someone's phone, to snoop on them. I'm wondering now that there is more than you are telling us. You never mentioned your behavior toward her, only her. Maybe she cheated on you because you are controlling and lack trust.
Author Fernando2826 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 You read her diary? That's like going through someone's phone, to snoop on them. I'm wondering now that there is more than you are telling us. You never mentioned your behavior toward her, only her. Maybe she cheated on you because you are controlling and lack trust. No, a friend of hers reported it back to me, having done so with permission. I do struggle with trust but I never tried to control her. We still spent lots of time with friends, time apart etc. She still went to music festivals and did drugs, which I never liked but never tried to force her to stop. We went out often, did exciting things, I treated her to surprise picnics and meals out. I don't think I did anything wrong in particular, just perhaps a mismatch of personalities - we never had a sense of humour in common or that much conversation beyond getting to know one another. We discussed our personal problems, intimate issues etc. but I think it was mostly based upon lust.
Author Fernando2826 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 Out of curiosity, in your earlier response you said that she sounded like a drama queen and cheating was the least of my worries. Would you mind expanding on that a bit more as I don't know much about this kind of individual?
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