maivy Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue in September. And I can’t move on. Long story short, we were together for 2 years. We had a beautiful relationship. We really loved each other. We have lots of common interests. We both enjoyed having lots of activities. We had plans as a couple. I thought he was the man of my life, and that we could have solved any problem life could have brought us. I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately since I met him many negative things happened to me one after the other. I tried to overcome difficulties the best I could. I had some issues at work with a very unsupportive boss and an unpleasant coworker. I could not visit my family for a long time. I had a miscarriage - devastating. I had a lot of pressure to find a new job, my contract was temporary and I was on a visa. I slowly was stuck in a vicious circle of low self esteem, anxiety and depression. I slowly changed, I turned into a different person. He moved in with me after a year. Unfortunately this did not help our relationship at all. In part I feel I did not give him enough space. I love interior design… my place was very small and already nicely furnished. So he decided to sell the few items he had in his room (he shared a house with students). In part sharing a home exposed him to my emotional roller coasters, that I could easily hide when we were living by ourselves. Some days I was happy, some days sad. Sometimes my mood was changing also through the day, and weekends were the worst - I was full of plans on Friday night, tired on Saturday, and upset on Sunday as I felt the weekend was over and I had accomplished nothing. I cried a lot, often at night or when he was not at home. Sometimes we fought, but it was always like nothing happened the next day. Unfortunately we were not talking about the issue, we never solved problems and they just accumulated, I guess. Sometimes I had the feeling we were living as housemates rather than as a couple. I am very independent, and enjoy time alone. And all of a sudden, I started to be clingy. I was not expecting him to spend with me all his free time, and rarely asked him to renounce to any of his activities. But I did put a long face often, when he did not. Especially because I lost interest in many of the activities that once brought me joy, and I had a lot of downtime throughout the week. Nothing would make me happy. The truth is - I understood it later on - I did this unconsciously because I needed to talk… and I did not know how to start the conversation. I knew something was wrong with me, but I did not know what. I did not know how to explain it. I tried to reach out to him, I hoped he would help me understand what was going on. But he seemed to never have time, between gym, volunteering, family, church… He complained his life was not as before when he was single, and he did not feel free, that he was not happy. He felt I was too controlling… and I hate controlling people! I asked him often to do something over the weekend, go somewhere, have some quality time together. I had to escape town, I had to get distractions outside my daily routine. He was often busy over the weekend. Or expecting me to organize something. I was exhausted though, sometimes it was hard for me to chose what to do to the point that I would decide to stay home last minute. And most of the trips he organized where involving his family, so we were not alone. I complained to him often. All he could say is “you knew how I was when we met, and you liked me. Now I am not good any more. What happened?" I turned jealous, and I am not a jealous person... The thing is, sometimes he was very secretive. He is not confrontational, and I guess he just wanted to avoid a discussion if he knew he was doing something that could have made me jealous. I told him he should have been open, because keeping secrets made me suspicious. I guess he di not understand. I tried to find a job, but I struggled. I sent just a couple of applications in months. I thought I was not good enough, my thoughts were foggy, I was anxious, I feared rejection. He often asked me how my job hunt was going, but I had no good news obviously. My contract ended in June. I felt I had to take this opportunity to leave for a while, spend time with my family in Europe, try to understand what was going on with me, breathe some fresh air - I needed it so bad. I was broken-hearted to leave him, but I had to heal. I felt by staying there I would have made things worse beyond repair. Before leaving he searched for a studio to save money on the rent, furnished it with my furniture and stuff from my apartment. Our plans were to move in to another place upon my return in October, get married and start a family, I would have searched for a job. Summer months passed by. Everything seemed fine. We kept in contact texting, emailing, calling. He was always very affectionate with me - texting me tons of time during the day, and calling although hard with the time difference. He was supposed to come visit in September, and that not only was a was to break the long distance period, it was also an opportunity to meet my family for the first time. Everyone was so eager to know him! On my part I did my best to feel better, I read a lot, I did a lot of introspection. And I understood what happened to me and tried to find a way to heal. I did a self diagnosis, and I had all symptoms! My self esteem reached an all time low, this brought me to suffer anxiety and depression. I just could not wait to tell him when he was coming over. I was sure he would have understood. I finally had something to explain about myself. At mid July I asked him if he had a ticket, and he said that he was going to get it asap. Then I asked again, still searching for the best fare. I did no want to be pushy, so I stopped asking - I knew he would have let me know. At the end of August, I started to wonder... I directly asked him and he said he had a lot of work, a class, and perhaps we should have postponed it. I got really mad. I felt he hadn’t been honest with me… this was something planned long ago! And he waited the last minute to tell me. I could not believe it. I felt betrayed. Then at the beginning of September he broke up with me by text and while I was on the other side of the world… I could not believe it. He said he had to break up with me because we have different personality, because he does not like to fight, and because he is a lonely and selfish person and he enjoyed very much the time he spent on his own this summer. He stressed “I am not breaking up with you because I want to be with someone else, I want to be alone"… I replied that I knew he did not have anyone else, I trusted him. I was shocked. I cried at the phone and begged to give us a second chance. Did not work, really. Last thing he said was “let me think…” A couple of days after he sent me an email saying that he was all worried that I hated him, that he was hoping to be friends… I replied that we should have discussed about it upon my return in October. I decided to give him space. I thought he needed some time alone to think, because being so far away for three months already was not easy. Well... he came to pick me up at the airport in October. He did not even hug me. A total stranger, despite his usual kindness. It felt so awkward. A couple of days after, I discovered on FB that he had a new gf, a new coworker that started in his company at the beginning of August, one month before he broke up with me. I asked and he confirmed "he had met someone", but that he "was not looking". She is very pretty and she seems to have everything he could ever want, I know him - knowing this did not help me for sure. She was already living with him, using my stuff!! And his studio was full of memories of our time together, pictures, paintings, gifts... How could she possibly not see that his room was a girl room? Did he lie to her, or did she profit on my absence, or both? I cried and I cried. Stayed at home for days. I lost a lot of weight. I could not believe this happened. He did not wait for me. He did everything behind my back. I felt betrayed again. He said he did not cheat, not sure if I should believe him at this point. For sure he cheated emotionally… He said he was not looking, but it was impossible not to see her, there are about 10 employees in his office. Everyone in his office knew me… she knew he had a gf for sure. He got rid of me very cowardly. I believe he has not introduced his new gf to his family yet. Perhaps they are not together anymore, probably they are. Perhaps he wants to keep it secret for now. I do not know… I wish I knew. We had a couple of conversations after this, but they were not really constructive. He seemed a different person, he exaggerated all the negative aspects of our relation, he seemed he forgot stuff, like how long we had been together or for how long I was gone! It looked like he made up a story and convinced himself of it to the point of making it real. “It's too late, I moved on, I do no want to make someone else suffer (what about me?!), I want to help you because it’s not right that you are in this difficult situation all alone, I pray for you, If you cry you don’t make my life easy, don’t cry for me, I wanted to break up with you from the beginning, I was happy when you left, life is short and we need to live it happy” I thought he would have used the summer months to meditate on out relationship as well (he also had something to work on… of course. Breaking up was not only my fault), but he took this time to get accustomed to single life again! He told me “I reset myself during the summer, I am living and doing things as I used before, I am happy now…” Hearing this hurt like hell, he broke my heart again. He said he wanted to be friends and texted me a few times. He was all nice when we met at the gym. I managed to get some of my stuff back one day, unfortunately not all of it (he wanted to buy it, but I did not want to give it to them!). Our last conversation was the worst fight we ever had, I have never seen him so furious. I have reasons to think that I might have accidentally interfered with his new relationship. He said he hated me and did not want to hear from me ever again. That was not the case actually. A few days after he offered help with my stuff, he said he could keep it until I would have sorted things out job-wise. Unfortunately, I could not find a job in time and I had to leave for Europe again. I had to get rid of all my belongings because I was not sure I could come back. I am trying hard to find another job and go back there, but it’s hard especially now that I am so far away. I am trying hard to be positive, but I am losing hope. He abandoned me, when I most needed his help. I haven’t contacted him since the end of November. But I am having hard time moving on. I believe he never understood what was wrong with me… all he could see was a rarely happy girl, w/o ambitions, jealous, clingy… but I am not like this! He knew me from before, but all he could say is that “you changed.” I knew it myself! But I could not snap out of this situation with a flick of a finger. I wish I had had the chance to talk to him and explain what I understood this summer, but he did not allow me. I feel I have been such a bad gf, I wish I had the chance to make things right. But I am also so disappointed he gave up on us so easily after 2 years together. I am still hoping he will contact me at some point… but everything ended so horribly. What are the odds? Sometimes I think I should start a conversation first. But it feels weird since he is probably together with his coworker. Edited February 23, 2015 by maivy
Ruby65 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Oh, I'm so so sorry for what you're going through! I was also left for another girl and I can attest that there's nothing more painful, nothing... My "realization" also happened right before the holidays -- fun, isn't it? -- and I can tell you all the way from Halloween up till Valentine's it was pure hell, picturing them together. Perhaps New Year's Eve was the worst, knowing they'd be spending it together, while I was home alone crying over him! And that was the night he chose to send me the obligatory "hope we can still be friends" email, uggghhhh...... And not just the sadness.... but the anger! I'm pretty old and I've honestly never felt such rage at another human being. I was actually afraid of how angry I would get -- just waves of it would hit me out of the blue, several times a day. In the shower. Working out. Watching tv with my son. The anger would literally jerk me awake at night -- I would shake myself awake, just in total shock, realizing that he had left me for someone else! Yes, he REALLY HAD done that! It lasted for many months, I'm afraid. And even now, writing this a few years later, my heart rate goes up and I reach for a bowl of soup (no ice cream in the house) to comfort myself. I've been divorced. Over the years I've been the dumpee and I've been the dumper. I've been cheated on. I've been lied to. I even had a guy disappear completely right after proposing! But there's nothing -- NOTHING! -- like the pain of realizing you've been dumped for another woman. My point in saying all this is to please have patience with yourself. You might think, "oh it's been 5 months now and I must be incapable of moving on if this still hurts me so much".... well, forget that. It's going to take EXACTLY AS LONG AS IT TAKES and not one day sooner. Where you are now, five months in, is exactly where you need to be. Give yourself a break. The only things that worked for me were: No Contact.... hitting the punching bag at the gym (seriously, try it).... and Time. That's it, there's no magic shortcut for this one. Here's a very helpful breakup recovery guide: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com. But really, this is a matter of: No Contact + Time = Healing Best wishes to you! xo 2
ZiggyZoo Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Oh, man...I've been left for another woman too, and it hurt worse than when my mom died unexpectedly. The worse pain I've felt yet. I suffer from depression too, and it took me a long time to dig myself out. But I think you're on the right path, you're aware that you alone weren't responsible for the break-up. Just keep moving forward with that, and rebuilding your self-esteem. I know all too well how easy it is to think that you weren't good enough, and you somehow deserved this treatment. That is total BS, nobody deserves to be lied to and replaced overnight like that. Ruby65 nailed it too, her whole post was excellent. I think at five months after my ex left me, I was still in the calling multiple times, crying, begging phase. At least you don't have that sort of behavior to look back on and cringe. And absolutely it'll take as long as it'll take. I'd say it wasn't until a year after the fact that I finally stopped feeling just awful about the whole thing. I had a great therapist, and lots of anti-depressants. And sharing my experience with people helped too, you'd be surprised at how many people you know who have been through just what you're going through. It helped me to know that I wasn't alone, and neither are you. And honestly, he sounds like a selfish jerk. So, if you weren't doing what HE was doing on the weekends, he wouldn't hang out with you? I'm sorry, but if you're with someone and they're struggling like you were, you make time to help them out. You deserve someone who will be there for you through thick and thin, and who will ask what's wrong. Especially if they notice your personality changing, like you said yours did. Someone who loves you won't take "I'm fine" or no conversation at all for an answer. And I don't even need to say that someone who loves you wouldn't lie to you about coming to meet your family, and take up with another person behind your back. What a charmer. Have you checked out "Baggage Reclaim"? It's a great website, she talks about emotionally unavailable men, and how to rebuild your self-esteem after a bad break-up. I swear, every time I'd read it, something she had said would click with me, and I would feel better about what happened. Check it out! But I'd say the biggest thing is, don't put a timeline on your healing. Yeah, OK, if it's two years from now and you're still stuck, then maybe be concerned. But this was a big betrayal, and no way should you expect yourself to just get over it. You'll get there though. 1
Author maivy Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) Thank you Ruby65 and ZiggyZoo for you kind replies. <3 I agree with you. I have been broken hearted a few years ago, and time helped… I never talked to that guy again. I stayed single for a long time after that. I felt it wasn’t honest to get involved with anyone as I was not fully emotionally available. I did not want to hurt anyone. I wanted to focus on loving myself. And eventually I felt better. But this time it is so, SO much worse... I had high hopes for my ex and our relationship. I trusted him. I loved him. I took him seriously when he said we would have grown old together, helping each other in difficult times. I thought I found the man of my life! Maybe I took him for granted. And I felt so betrayed when I understood what really happened - the darkest time of my life. So many lies... they make me doubt about the relationship as a whole. Was anything sweet he ever told me real? He did not wait for me before moving on… a decent guy would have, and I though he was. Why so much hurry to jump in another realtionship? I can’t believe he forgot me so quickly. And I can’t believe he rewrote our relationship in order to justify his actions. And I also cannot believe a decent girl would interfere with a guy in a committed relationship… because I find it impossible she did not know. I could never, ever do so. I would feel so guilty. I would feel directly responsible for someone else’s pain. No matter what the guy I am interested in tells me, knowing there is someone else in his life would be enough to make me walk away for good. Some days are better, some worse. I cry when I think back of what happened. I remember so many details… I live those terrible moments again. And again. I have so many questions, but I know I will never get answers. And even if I did get answers, I would wonder if it’s the truth. Edited March 9, 2015 by maivy
Author maivy Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) And honestly, he sounds like a selfish jerk. So, if you weren't doing what HE was doing on the weekends, he wouldn't hang out with you? I'm sorry, but if you're with someone and they're struggling like you were, you make time to help them out. You deserve someone who will be there for you through thick and thin, and who will ask what's wrong. Especially if they notice your personality changing, like you said yours did. Someone who loves you won't take "I'm fine" or no conversation at all for an answer. And I don't even need to say that someone who loves you wouldn't lie to you about coming to meet your family, and take up with another person behind your back. What a charmer. You are so right... He was very busy over the weekend, but he did find some time for us. The problem is that nothing we did over the weekend was giving space to dialogue... I mean, we always had to DO something, while sometimes I would have been more than happy simply sitting somewhere outside and talk. I SO desperately needed to open up, but for some reasons it was very difficult for me to find the right time and mood to do it. I needed someone to initiate the conversation... and when he broke up with me he said "he does not talk." I do not even think he understood what was going on with me. He said he did notice I changed, but I believe he never wondered WHY I did. He took everything personal, like "I cannot make her happy" or "she is not nice to me any more" "I am not the right person for her." Why him... it was me. I wish he had asked me what was wrong instead of assuming, but I also wish I had found the strength to speak up. We both sucked at communicating, lesson learned. I so wish we could have the chance to talk now... I am fighting the urge to contact him. He is probably with the same girl he left me for. I fear rejection and I do not want to be just friends... Anything but finding him willing to try it again would bring me back to square one. Edited March 11, 2015 by maivy
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