Paid for our first date

February 23, 2015

I'm curious how the men that don't like to pay for first dates feel about spending money in a relationship. I've always found being in a relationship to be more expensive (for both people) than dating, so to me a date is a splurge that is easily justified.

I don't like paying for first and early dates, but I do so any way because it's expected. However, I have no problem being the heavy lifter in a relationship. My current girlfriend makes half of what I make, so I pay for the vast majority of our dates.

For me, dating is a gamble. I'm investing time and money. Many women just invest time. There is no guarantee of interest in the dating stage. I would much rather spend $1,000 on my girlfriend than spend $200 on dates with unconfirmed interest.

February 23, 2015

Another thing, the date went pretty well until that and he seems keen to see me again. So i dont think it was that he wasn't into me. But perhaps he just wants more free food.

How was your first glimpse into the wonderful world of dating as a man? Oh right, the rest of the thread.

February 23, 2015

In all actuality, with all of the first time dates and about half of all the subsequent dates that I've ever went on in my life, the guy had willingly picked up the tab. But, once I was in a relationship with them, I picked up the tab half the time, even if I earned significantly less than they did.

Now that I'm single again, I actually look forward to paying the entire tab with the next date that I have! I mean, seriously...it's not that big of a deal! And, it takes the pressure off of the guy and lets him know that I can hold my own and that I also care about treating him out on a date.

Ya know...guys also like being treated out on a date! Imagine that! If I made more money at my job, I would LOVE to treat a guy that I was interested in on a full blown fun and awesome date! But, since I don't, I could only treat a date that I went on either on dinner, a movie, on drinks or on some other venue.

Not to hijack this thread - but, how do guys on this forum feel if a woman they dated was only able to pay for part of the evening and not for the entire evening? Would they think she was cheap? Or uninterested? Or would they think she was a gold digger? Would they want to date her again if they knew that she made significantly less of an income than they did?

.

February 23, 2015

In all actuality, with all of the first time dates and about half of all the subsequent dates that I've ever went on in my life, the guy had willingly picked up the tab. But, once I was in a relationship with them, I picked up the tab half the time, even if I earned significantly less than they did.

Now that I'm single again, I actually look forward to paying the entire tab with the next date that I have! I mean, seriously...it's not that big of a deal! And, it takes the pressure off of the guy and lets him know that I can hold my own and that I also care about treating him out on a date.

Ya know...guys also like being treated out on a date! Imagine that! If I made more money at my job, I would LOVE to treat a guy that I was interested in on a full blown fun and awesome date! But, since I don't, I could only treat a date that I went on either on dinner, a movie, on drinks or on some other venue.

Not to hijack this thread - but, how do guys on this forum feel if a woman they dated was only able to pay for part of the evening and not for the entire evening? Would they think she was cheap? Or uninterested? Or would they think she was a gold digger? Would they want to date her again if they knew that she made significantly less of an income than they did?

.

If you asked me out and then told me to pay I would be like ??? I'd probably offer to pay my half - but it would be weird if you expected me to.

Pretty sure the asker pays - period.

February 23, 2015

Not to hijack this thread - but, how do guys on this forum feel if a woman they dated was only able to pay for part of the evening and not for the entire evening? Would they think she was cheap? Or uninterested? Or would they think she was a gold digger? Would they want to date her again if they knew that she made significantly less of an income than they did?

I appreciate any effort on her part. I've had a handful of dates in which the woman paid for dinner (<$50) and I paid for drinks ($>100). I was happy with that arrangement. I would not consider that cheap since that's more effort than I'm generally used to. As long as a woman's self sufficient, her income doesn't matter to me.

February 23, 2015

If you asked me out and then told me to pay I would be like ??? I'd probably offer to pay my half - but it would be weird if you expected me to.

Pretty sure the asker pays - period.

See, that's my whole point. If *I* asked YOU out on a date, then I would OWN it and pay for the entire dinner bill, movie bill or "insert here"________ bill. It's just par for the course for WHOEVER asks whom out on a date! So, I agree with you...although, some women on here would DISAGREE with us with regard to this situation. A lot of women - even in 2015 - STILL expect for the guy to pay for the entire date; which um...I think is archaic and ridiculous.

But...if I KNEW that I couldn't afford to pay for an ENTIRE date, I wouldn't ask a guy out on a date; because I would NOT expect him (or "tell him" as you've stated in your post) to pay for any part of the date - UNLESS it was agreed upon mutually from the get-go.

.

February 23, 2015

I appreciate any effort on her part. I've had a handful of dates in which the woman paid for dinner (<$50) and I paid for drinks ($>100). I was happy with that arrangement. I would not consider that cheap since that's more effort than I'm generally used to. As long as a woman's self sufficient, her income doesn't matter to me.

Your post is encouraging. Because even though I work my ass off for what I make every week, it's still not as gainful in comparison to what some other people make within that same week. If I dated a guy who made considerably less than I did, I would definitely appreciate ANY contribution that he made to our dinner dates or outings. For me, it's not about someone's status as a wage earner - it's about them wanting to CONTRIBUTE to an event or outing that we're BOTH engaging in...together; especially during the dating phase.

Once we're in a committed relationship, and I earned more money than my future boyfriend - I wouldn't mind paying for most (or sometimes all) of our outings together. Relationships are all about compromise and about wanting to sacrifice certain aspects of it in order to make our partner smile and be happy. Hopefully, a guy wouldn't take advantage of that part of my personality...

.

February 23, 2015

This thread is hilarious. Woman has to pay for the first date and is flabbergasted

When you are a man, this is par for the course. No matter who asks, the man is generally expected to pay. Women have said it is sexy, attractive, chivalrous, gentlemanly, whatever...the man pays. It's just funny to see so many ladies would not put up with their own behavior. Good times.

Thats perhaps the crux of my issue with this: the rationalisation of it in pretty lame ways:

"Oh its sooo haaaaaawt when the guy pays" - ROTFL

"Im an old fashioned kind of girl" - so you are so old fashioned that you also believe a womans place is in the home? No?! You mean you are only old fashioned when it suits you?

"<insert name> always told me that the guy should pay" - if they told you that you should pay would you still continue to listen to them or would you find the capacity to think for yourself and request equal treatment?

Just be honest: I dont want to pay because Im a woman and I dont feel I should have to. Id probably pay for a date with a woman like that cus I would respect the honesty if nothing else!

February 23, 2015

I would have taken the bill up and said, "I had the X and the Y," and paid my share + tip, leaving him to pay for his own. I can only recall one guy ever even saying yes to me paying half, and he was the raging beta type.

February 23, 2015

In all actuality, with all of the first time dates and about half of all the subsequent dates that I've ever went on in my life, the guy had willingly picked up the tab. But, once I was in a relationship with them, I picked up the tab half the time, even if I earned significantly less than they did.

Now that I'm single again, I actually look forward to paying the entire tab with the next date that I have! I mean, seriously...it's not that big of a deal! And, it takes the pressure off of the guy and lets him know that I can hold my own and that I also care about treating him out on a date.

Ya know...guys also like being treated out on a date! Imagine that! If I made more money at my job, I would LOVE to treat a guy that I was interested in on a full blown fun and awesome date! But, since I don't, I could only treat a date that I went on either on dinner, a movie, on drinks or on some other venue.

Not to hijack this thread - but, how do guys on this forum feel if a woman they dated was only able to pay for part of the evening and not for the entire evening? Would they think she was cheap? Or uninterested? Or would they think she was a gold digger? Would they want to date her again if they knew that she made significantly less of an income than they did?

.

I think thats the central issue, most women can support themselves and (so we are told) are just as capable in inudstry as men so they can contribute. The level of contribution as far as I am concerned is based on their earnings- if they dont earn a lot Im not going to take them to the best steakhouse in town and demand that they pony up. i would pay proportionately, if not all of the meal.

For one thing I dont think guys are looking for women to oay for us, its about intentions and empathy. I think most guys are happier to pay if the girl seems as though she does not expect us to pick up the tab and has some empathy and appreciation that we have done so.

I dated a girl who earned more than me and she knew that she did, but she never put her hand in her pocket for anything! It got to the point where we would go to the bar order drinks and both stand there silent waiting for the other to flinch. We split up and I went off to university, we met up again while I was back in town visiting and went to a pricey bar and even though she was working full time and I was a student living hand to mouth she still expected me to buy the expensive round of drinks! I couldnt believe it. Cut contact after that.

Conversely I dated a girl while she was at university, I was happy to make a big contribution financially as I knew she had no money. Even then, when i bought myself a £300 ipid with the money I earned she got offended because I had spent all that money. She thought I should have spent £10 on flowers for her to offset the £300 i spent on myself. With her desire for kickbacks she was more like a mafia captain than a girlfriend.

February 23, 2015

So many upset guys on here.. Not sure what the deal is.

A guy is supposed to pay for the 1st/2nd dates - especially if he is the one asking the woman out (which is most often the case)

In some cases going dutch is OK, but only a jackass leaves the woman the whole tab.

February 23, 2015

I would have taken the bill up and said, "I had the X and the Y," and paid my share + tip, leaving him to pay for his own. I can only recall one guy ever even saying yes to me paying half, and he was the raging beta type.

That sounds quite alpha to me as it took a spine on his part to do that. Hes taking a risk that you are the progressive sort of woman who can handle paying her share and women are supposed to respect risk takers more than supplicants.

Paying the lot like a dutiful drone is the beta way and the path of least resistance as it avoids any potential conflict over money and avoids any risk that you wont see him again because he didnt pay it all.

February 23, 2015

Men expect to pay the bulk if they make twice as much as the women, but if a woman made twice as much as a man, she'd look down on him as a lesser human being and have nothing to do with him. Women know that men think "I don't mind paying as long as she doesn't take it for granted", so that's what women tell them to their faces, but how many women ever expect to have their offer to pay accepted? Most women I know don't budget a penny for any date or vacation, so when they say they don't feel entitled to be paid for, they're lying to the man's face. If a man asks a woman out on a first date, of course he should pay, but that morphs to HE should pay even if she asks him out, he should pay for the first 3, he should pay for the early part of the relationship, he should always pay because he's a man, he should pay for vacations too, and finally men should pay even if it's two friends, or brother and sister. All that at a time when single women now out earn their male counterparts and buy their own homes at double the rate. Men should just stop being saps. For some reason men believe there are 100 men for every woman, so they'd better leap at any jerk or they'll be left out. I've looked at demographics, and there seems to be roughly the same number of single men and women. No need for men to be desperate and sans backbone. No wonder women like bad boys, they're strong and confident, not desperate.

Edited February 23, 2015 by crude

February 23, 2015

For some reason men believe there are 100 men for every woman, so they'd better leap at any jerk or they'll be left out. I've looked at demographics, and there seems to be roughly the same number of single men and women. No need for men to be desperate and sans backbone.

That is fair enough.

A man who doesn't want to pay is welcome to not pay. No need to be insincere about the offer and bitter.

No one should really do what doesn't work for them as far as relationships goes... do what makes you happy and works so far as finding the type and quality of partner you want. If those things aren't met, then change. Never any need to complain about a whole gender.

February 23, 2015

That sounds quite alpha to me...

I don't think there was a drop of alpha in him. He waited for me to take the lead on every step of the date. Probably the most platonic and least arousing date I've ever been on.

February 23, 2015

I don't think there was a drop of alpha in him. He waited for me to take the lead on every step of the date. Probably the most platonic and least arousing date I've ever been on.

Well yeah, having a spine on the issue of money aside I can see why you said that now. The word 'platonic' is the worst thing you can say about a date

February 24, 2015

Don't even carry money on a first date, ladies. If he walks the bill, you tell the manager it was a first date and he walked the bill and give them his name and contact info.

February 24, 2015

Don't even carry money on a first date, ladies. If he walks the bill, you tell the manager it was a first date and he walked the bill and give them his name and contact info.

Haha this would be so funny That guy should hang his head in shame when he comes back in to pay it off lol.

February 24, 2015

If your dating someone for the first time, leave all pertinent assumptions at home, and set the ground rules from the beginning. If he asks you out, ask him if he intends to pay for the entire date or not. His answer to this question will let you know if you should go out with him or not.

February 24, 2015

If your dating someone for the first time, leave all pertinent assumptions at home, and set the ground rules from the beginning. If he asks you out, ask him if he intends to pay for the entire date or not. His answer to this question will let you know if you should go out with him or not.

No don't do this... If a girl asked me that it would be a huge put off. Even though I intend to pay.

February 24, 2015

I used to be a lot more "progressive" in dating, by the way, insisting on paying about half of all dating expenses, even if the guy made more money. I moved in with a boyfriend once, and he offered to pay all the rent and bills. But I insisted we go 50/50 because I didn't want to feel any sense of obligation because of the money situation.

With age and experience, I've learned that it's a lot more effective with men to take a more "feminine" approach and let the man provide.

February 24, 2015

Ok, since the details seem to matter. The bill was sitting there the whole time. He got up and went to walk away so i said "oh here's the bill" and held it up, he let me hold onto it, his wallet never considered seeing the light of day. Guys have always shouted for the first date, i always pay half unless he insists. I did not offer to shout him, he just didn't pay. Why would I need to ask him to pay his half?

Ugh. Yeah, I don't think you were wrong to pay for him - I would've done the same thing in your position too, so as not to make a scene in the restaurant. It's really uncomfortable for other people to watch a couple haggle over the bill.

Definitely don't ever see him again though. What a loser.

February 24, 2015

I can only speak of what would be a cool girl.

As we see in this thread, the OP is deeply troubled by paying for one small date, and she is pretty confused by it all.. As others have pointed out, this is how it always is for men.

A cool girl would have cash, know approximately half, and genuinely WANT to contribute. Not a pretend pay. Or some "rule" about who asked who, or some shame tactic about what "gentleman do", or pretending it is some pyschological test to see if this man can support a family in the future, etc.

Simple.. "Hey, I had a great time. Let's do it again... I insist on paying my share, and if it continues like this we can do more in the future"

The precedent will be set that both pay half from now on. There will not be some uncomfortable shift down the road, and the man will not start to resent you as being cheap.

February 24, 2015

Men expect to pay the bulk if they make twice as much as the women, but if a woman made twice as much as a man, she'd look down on him as a lesser human being and have nothing to do with him. Women know that men think "I don't mind paying as long as she doesn't take it for granted", so that's what women tell them to their faces, but how many women ever expect to have their offer to pay accepted? Most women I know don't budget a penny for any date or vacation, so when they say they don't feel entitled to be paid for, they're lying to the man's face. If a man asks a woman out on a first date, of course he should pay, but that morphs to HE should pay even if she asks him out, he should pay for the first 3, he should pay for the early part of the relationship, he should always pay because he's a man, he should pay for vacations too, and finally men should pay even if it's two friends, or brother and sister. All that at a time when single women now out earn their male counterparts and buy their own homes at double the rate. Men should just stop being saps. For some reason men believe there are 100 men for every woman, so they'd better leap at any jerk or they'll be left out. I've looked at demographics, and there seems to be roughly the same number of single men and women. No need for men to be desperate and sans backbone. No wonder women like bad boys, they're strong and confident, not desperate.

What does a man being confident have anything to do with him paying or not paying for a woman? Are you positing that only a whipped beta male would pay for everything or even a carefully split 50/50?

But, if we followed your logic all the way out, that the higher-earning, home-owning women pay for everything instead of the man, what do you think that would do with the power dynamic in the relationship? Would you, as a guy, feel OK with having the woman pay for everything? Or would you start to feel emasculated, that you're not being asked to contribute anything?

(And before you jump down my throat, I'm not at all suggesting that you're advocating for this, this is merely conversational; I'm curious.)

I went a bit overboard in paying for things once with a guy I went out with, and he felt weird. It made him feel bad that I kept paying for things, but the thing is, I didn't even give him the chance most of the time, I'd just jump right in and pay. Well, it made him feel like less of a man when I did that, and it was a contributing factor to us not staying together. Here I was, trying to be "equal," thinking my contributions would be appreciated, when clearly they were not.

I think we want to regard men and women equally—but equality and sameness are two different things. Men and women are different, full stop. We process things differently and have different sets of complimentary strengths. Now, it's not right for a woman to take for granted what a man can provide for her (and I'm sorry the women you know don't seem to want to lift a financial finger), but I do think men would find it strange if the woman was the sole financial investor in the relationship.

I would never walk into a first date expecting the man to pay—I'm always ready to go halvsies, and have many times—but I think it demonstrates good faith on the man's part that he can fulfill that innate provider role (modern social norms not withstanding). If a man doesn't pay on date one, I think a woman's negative reaction is not, "eww he's cheap," but more like, "will he be able to uphold that 'provider' role?" I think that's basic human biology—we have that imprinted on us evolutionarily, perhaps unfortunately.

February 24, 2015

I hate sitting there with a calculator working out who had what... so usually if a guy pays for the cinema tickets, I'll pay for the popcorn. If he pays for dinner, I'll pay for drinks/dessert. If he insists on paying the first time then I'll treat him next time. If there is no next time, I'll make sure to pay for something. I don't expect the guy to pay for everything even if he invited me out.

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