imss_1 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I've been dating a guy for 5 months and I've gotten quite attached to him (posted about him before). Unfortunately things just aren't working for a huge number of reasons (listed below) so I've distanced myself from him and I'm going to end things this week. However I can't stop second guessing my decision to break up with him and I already really miss him and am dying to talk to him. If anyone has any wise words on how to stay strong I would really appreciate them. Im allergic to weed and he is addicted to smoking. He gives me massive allergic reactions that take over a week to go and are incredibly painful We weren't committed after 5 months and I felt he was stringing me along He was really inconsiderate sometimes I was NOT a priority to him and I deserve to be one He was terrible/selfish in bed We barely texted and he sometimes took a whole day to text back yet always has his phone in his hand He told me my allergic reactions are my fault He used to ask to see me, I would suggest a day and then he would say 'I'll let you know' and take ages to get back to me He wants to live with his brother for the rest of his life
erklat Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I've been dating a guy for 5 months and I've gotten quite attached to him (posted about him before). Unfortunately things just aren't working for a huge number of reasons (listed below) so I've distanced myself from him and I'm going to end things this week. However I can't stop second guessing my decision to break up with him and I already really miss him and am dying to talk to him. If anyone has any wise words on how to stay strong I would really appreciate them. Im allergic to weed and he is addicted to smoking. He gives me massive allergic reactions that take over a week to go and are incredibly painful We weren't committed after 5 months and I felt he was stringing me along He was really inconsiderate sometimes I was NOT a priority to him and I deserve to be one He was terrible/selfish in bed We barely texted and he sometimes took a whole day to text back yet always has his phone in his hand He told me my allergic reactions are my fault He used to ask to see me, I would suggest a day and then he would say 'I'll let you know' and take ages to get back to me He wants to live with his brother for the rest of his life How old are you? How exactly he causes allergic reactions on you?
Author imss_1 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 I'm 26, will be 27 next week and I feel like I'm running out of time to find someone to settle down with. He smokes, and afterwards when I kiss him my lips swell, I get a rash, hives and itchy eyes. This takes a week to go and is very painful.
Zahara Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) I'm 26, will be 27 next week and I feel like I'm running out of time to find someone to settle down with. He smokes, and afterwards when I kiss him my lips swell, I get a rash, hives and itchy eyes. This takes a week to go and is very painful. So you settle? What sort of future do you think you would have with someone like this? Needing to settle down does not justify tying your life down to some that is incompatible with you. That aside, it doesn't even look like he's into you or wants to make you a priority. Plus he treats you badly. Why do weak and dependent in this man or needing someone, anyone in your life. I bet you don't even love him but love the idea of having someone. Second guessing your decision? Please. You've invested 5 months. Imagine what the next year would be like. It isn't changing. Edited February 23, 2015 by Zahara 1
erklat Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 So the issues are smoking and not pleasing you in bed. Other clauses can be a symptom of neediness/clinginess. I'm also often on my phone, typing mails or reading some articles. It doesn't necessarily mean you are not a priority (nor should you be, he has to be on the first place for him), nor that he is deliberately ignoring you. It means that outside of the time that is reserved for the two of you he has other things to attend to. Only people who have their interests strongly built in into foundations of their personality are capable of meaningful relationship and only a person who loves himself and his interests can truly love and cherish other and their interests. You're not going to run out of time.
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Given that list, what is the up side of staying with him? All I see that you are getting out of it is the illusion that you aren't alone. Re-read the list again. Why do you care so little about yourself that you continue to put up with this? 3
Zahara Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 OP, don't plant the seed of doubt because you're told that your needs/wants are a symptom of neediness/clinginess. They're not. What you desire from this relationship are basics. And if after 5 months he can't give you those things, or even attempt to make an effort, you need to get out. It's a 5 month relationship that should be progressing, not stagnating/regressing. It's one thing for two people to have lives outside of their growing relationship but still have the ability to contribute effort and care into one another, but it's another to have limited investment and worst of all, treat you and the relationship haphazardly. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 If you're having an allergic reaction and he won't stop then he chooses his pleasure above your pain. Aw honey. I know you think he is the best you can do but really? Please challenge that belief. You can be alone and be treated better by someone other than him....YOU. Stay true to and take care of YOU. Do that and he's not even a consideration anymore. 1
Author imss_1 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 It's not that I think that he's the best I can do. In fact I know I can do a lot better. I'm just attached for some reason. 1
Hija77 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Your soon to be ex sounds just like mine! He's also a pot head who wants to live with his brothers forever. He's 33. Hahaha! It's called arrested development. He isn't going to change any time soon. Your allergy may seem like a huge pain in the a##, but in this case, it's a blessing in disguise. Run like the wind! 1
Author imss_1 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 Lol thanks Hija77 - could we talk in private? 1
amaysngrace Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I'm 26, will be 27 next week and I feel like I'm running out of time to find someone to settle down with. It's not that I think that he's the best I can do. In fact I know I can do a lot better. I'm just attached for some reason. Maybe your first quote has something to do with your unhealthy attachment? Like I said...be the best you that you can be, by yourself, alone. Being hung up on if you're going to meet the right person or not is keeping you hanging on to a loser. You see that, right? 1
Zahara Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 It's not that I think that he's the best I can do. In fact I know I can do a lot better. I'm just attached for some reason. You're desperate for a happy ending so you cling to it no matter how bad it is because you fear being on your own. Your attachment sounds more like dependency on someone to provide that life you so desire. I don't even think you truly love him. 1
Author imss_1 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 I don't think I love him either, but a big part of why I don't is because I don't feel close to him because he's always high & detached from me.
amaysngrace Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I don't think I love him either, but a big part of why I don't is because I don't feel close to him because he's always high & detached from me. Yea but what about him putting his pleasure above your pain? You are okay with that? 1
Satu Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 One really effective way of ensuring that you don't get what you want is to settle for something you don't want. That seems to be what you've been doing. End it.
Author imss_1 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 I'm not ok with that at all... And it's something I'll mention when I end it with him later this week 1
mightycpa Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Why don't you buy him an 8-ball, and get him to switch over to cocaine? You'll see a lot of those allergy problems disappear.
Zahara Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I don't think I love him either, but a big part of why I don't is because I don't feel close to him because he's always high & detached from me. Well, he's not changing. So what are you waiting for? For him to get off the high, stay lucid and present and then you both can fall in love and ride into the sunset? It's not happening. I mean, he's telling you your pain is irrelevant and he's going to still continue as is. And even if you're staying with him because you're settling due to your time running out, what kind of life are you imagining you are going to have. Quit the image you have built in your head and focus on what's your reality. 1
Author imss_1 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 I've just realised you can't PM on here unless you subscribe
Author imss_1 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 Yeah, I was just curious to find out more about your relationship - how it started, if he ever tried to stop smoking (did you ask?), what his behaviour was like, how it affected you?
Hija77 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Ha! I could go on for a week on how it affected me. He started smoking before he met me, when we were in college. I used to partake myself, so it really wasn't an issue. I never asked him to stop. I've had enough experience with addicts to know he has to make that choice on his own. He's also a heavy drinker, so it exacerbated the situation, BUT the effects of addiction in a relationship are basically the same no matter what the person is using. My ex was selfish, devoid of emotion, and blamed me for everything that went wrong with us. I believed it ALL. It always felt like I was fighting for some thing I couldn't quite reach. Consequently, my self-esteem hit an all time low. By the time we split, I was a tiny fraction of the person I had been before. I twisted myself up in knots trying to make it work, but I couldn't compete against a blunt and some Jack Daniels. With an addict, no one can...nor should they have to. You have a legitimate health concern, and your ex doesn't give a sh#t. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm trying to throw some truth your way. He can't give you what you need because he doesn't have it to give. He's gone numb, and he probably has no clue it's happened. You can't fix this. Please realize that his addictive behavior has already jacked your brain up. If you don't examine what happened, and why you were attracted to it, you could end up in the same place with a different guy. Know what I mean? Learn your lesson now. He can choose to live however he pleases, but you get a chance to be healthy again!!! I'm sure you've often felt very frustrated, lonely, and insignificant in terms of your relationship. Let it go. Find some support online. I still go to al anon meetings so that I can deal with the emotional wreckage my ex left in his wake. My final warning: He won't get better unless he works some sort of program. Until then, he will continue to get worse. Don't waste your time searching for the guy you fell in love with. I'm sure if you think about it, you'll see that he checked out a long time ago.
Author imss_1 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Lol oh that doesn't sound harsh at all - trust me, I know he doesn't care. I know at this point he would rather smoke than be with *anyone* and his relationships keep failing because of it. The last girl ended it with him because he smoked so much and she didn't think it was healthy and he just slandered her after and told everyone she was really narrow minded. These addicts are so self centred and delusional.
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