Long Story. Cut adrift.

[inferioraxe]

This is a long story. Even more so because we've never met in real life.

 

It begins in 2000. I met her - we'll call her "R" in an RPG chatroom when we were both middle schoolers. Having similar mindsets and interests, we immediately hit it off. Our friendship endured long periods of minimal to no contact at first - mutually understood, the chaotic life I was living at the time carried me away from her and the computer and vice versa, but we always found ourselves back in contact.

 

Then in 2005, we started talking almost every day after she had settled into college and my life became less... dysfunctional. It was a good time for us. I helped her escape a toxic friend and successfully maintain her abstinence from self injury. This lasted until 2006.

 

That's when our first 'cycle' happened.

 

Suddenly she was tired of me. She'd only respond to me in mono-syllables or not at all after 10-20 minute lapses in the conversation. I had to struggle to maintain contact. Hurt, and more than a little confused, I settled into a funk. She no longer wanted to be creative writing partners with me, casting aside our stories - preferring suddenly instead her boyfriend's taste in science fiction and comic books she swore up and down were stupid and she hated. Dejected, thinking she had rejected everything about me, I let myself be carried along for months with what scraps I got.

 

I tried to heal.

 

Then one day, in the fall, she was back. She thought like she had before. She was the person I knew again. She wanted to resume writing, seemed 'fed up' with her boyfriend. I had no romantic interest in her at this point - she was solely my friend, and I was not looking for a relationship. I had just had two in a row that ended badly, and thought it a good idea to be single for awhile.

 

Things were.. great. In 2007, after she broke up with her boyfriend, she professed her love with me. After careful consideration, I entered into a relationship with her. She knew at the time I had messed my life up and would need to work to move to the city where she lived, and she supported me working towards this goal. She was excited about the prospect, pushing me to achieve.

 

Then 2011.

 

In 2011, after having a long talk with my aunt while driving her to the airport, I came home to tell R that my aunt had helped me figure our what kind of jobs I could get in my small town to pay for my GED courses. R reacted.. very negatively. She was suddenly 'nervous' I was making the goals we set for me reality. She talked about how she didn't want to lose me, and how she was NOT going to. This was all very left field for me, and I was once again left puzzled and hurt as she dove back into her ex-boyfriend's taste in everything, abandoning everything we shared. Talking about how he'll always have a place in her heart and she can't be my therapist - even though I never asked her to be, and I think I had a right to feel monstrously hurt and bewildered in this situation. I could tell she was thinking about going back to her ex, so I asked if she was, and she started laughing nervously and started talking without saying anything but saying everything she needed to. During this time, one of her two cats was dying.

 

This lasted almost a month, end of August to September. Then just like before, she was back, crying on the phone that no matter WHAT she did or said, I couldn't give up on making myself better. I couldn't ever give up. Period.

 

September 2012, almost one year to the day of the start of our last cycle, another one began. She hadn't been feeling 'well' all summer. Again, I could tell, but couldn't muster the courage to say anything. Didn't want to risk a blow up, didn't want to push her away. Then it exploded out of me. I relapsed, then I came home to talk to her on the computer. I screamed at her to get help. I screamed at her that I'm tired of watching her suffer, to just get some help.

 

She proceeded to start ignoring me for a few days, diving back into her ex-boyfriend's interests. Once tentative contact was resumed, I relapsed again because of the stress, and she cut me off in full. States she needs time and space to heal. Didn't really communicate with me for almost two months. Minimized our relationship - started using wording like 'we've never been in the same room', erasing any importance we had to each other beyond friendship as not real. And as usual, once again retreated into her ex-boyfriend's likes and mindset.

 

This continued until hurricane Sandy. It knocked out power to her apartment, left her with a lasting fear of storms, and she'd finally opened up to me again. When we resumed contact, she mysteriously dropped ballet classes and her therapist appointments. I, to my infinite regret, didn't notice this at the time.

 

By the end of December 2012, we were in a relationship again. For all of 2013 and 2014, we talked on Skype every day. We made plans. We wrote together. But things weren't exactly 'well'.

 

She'd made new friends on a website in 2013. She did not tell these friends about me until one of them proclaimed his love for her. He draws her. He makes unwanted advances, time and time again. He gets to dictate things like how and when she enjoys video games, what characters she is allowed to relate to in those games, etc. Things R should get to enjoy and discover by herself. This man, we'll call him A, gets away with all of this when she HATES how her ex-boyfriend used to tell her "hey, you SHOULD watch or play or read this!". Hated it so much I had to apologize whenever I said she should check out something.

 

2013 goes by without incident.

 

Then in fall 2014, R went to visit her sister in Florida.

 

R and her sister do not get along. R's sister is from a different father, and believes R's father coddles her. This is a serious point of contention between them. It resulted in R's sister screaming at her in a car so hard that her sister was shaking. To compound the stress of this trip, R had confided in both me and A, but A was choosing to be passively aggressively stand offish with her. Making the situation about him rather than the difficulties she was experiencing.

 

When R returned home, she had a twenty minute panic attack/tantrum on Skype. She literally laid on the floor, kicking and screaming for twenty minutes.

 

After this episode, R was different.

 

She started drinking more. I have great guilt over this, because being a former alcoholic myself, and coming from a family of them, I should have saw the signs. She hid and lied to me about it, maintaining she was only having beers after work and killing a bottle of wine on the weekend. She started asking me permission to drink, and I foolishly said yes when she asked. I did not know.

 

She began needing constant reaffirmation from me that she was a 'good person'.

 

She began needing me to talk her to sleep on Skype, and to be on Skype when she returned from work. Almost 24/7.

 

She continued to let A walk over her and drain her.

 

December. Several things happen in rapid succession.

 

December 2nd: she decides to quit drinking. Confides this to both A and I. A decides to use this as an opportunity to attempt to pressure her into dating him, despite knowing she is with me. I gently urge her to cut contact, trying to contain my fury. I also support her action to stop drinking, make sure she drained all the liquor in her apartment.

 

December 4th: her first appointment with a new shrink. She comes home, breaks up with me. Lies to me about why, that her shrink convinced her it wasn't 'fair to me'. Expressed no interest in fixing or working on our relationship as partners, just repeated statements that she has to follow her shrink's plan. Begins using minimizing language again to make me feel the relationship was one sided and in my head. Yet is 'working on' her relationship with A in therapy while casting me aside. R also yells she's tired of living a 'life on hold waiting for me and is tired of being alone' when she gets to do whatever she wants and gets nervous and avoidant when I want to visit or try to make plans. She puts the blame on me, them tries to deny she did.

 

A and another friend are free to visit whenever they want, and have plans to. R has known them for all of a year, and me for 14 at this point.

 

Later in December, I finally learn the real reason why she left me: she is scared of meeting me since her relationship with her ex-boyfriend started as long distance and become something more, then ended so poorly. Nothing in her relationship to A changes. She begins singing lessons, joins a writer's group. Things to get her out of her apartment. Part of her doctor's plan.

 

Early January, I snap.

 

I grow frustrated at her poor decisions. Her willingness to cast our relationship aside, yet continued need to cling to me and be my friend. I hurt. I say awful things to her. Inform her that I gibe up on her, not really meaning it.

 

She cuts off all contact with me. Blocks and deletes off everything. I go into panic mode, realizing what's happened. I try to apologize. Nothing. Try to talk to her ex-boyfriend. He blocks and deletes me, too. The next morning, she responds to one of my alt-accounts. States she is just tired and hurting, this won't be forever. She just needs time. That she wants to break the cycle of us hurting each other by, well.. doing exactly what she does in the cycle.

 

I cease all attempts to contact her. I enroll in therapy and anger management. I try to cope.

 

Then I have a serious health scare, seemingly at the same time as her and her sole remaining cat. I get back in touch. We resume tentative contact. The only reason I got back in touch was because I was scared, and did not want the last things I say to her to be 'eff you' and 'i give up on you'.

 

This goes on for about month.

 

During that time, she has an episode where she comes to me before work, explaining she'd cut herself the night before and was scared. I make sure she throws the knife away and she unblocks me on gmail chat so I can be there to talk her through it. I make her promise to keep her doctor's appointment and try to go sleep. She comes home briefly, then leaves for her appointment.

 

She disappears for four hours.

 

During this time, I worry. Things get tense when she gets home. I have to apologize for worrying. She claims she had the wrong time for her appointment, but I don't raise any doubts.

 

As the month goes on, R begins to open up. Says she finds it unhealthy she feels 'guilty' about checking in with me every day when we're doing good. That she wants to spend time away and doesn't like feeling like she's being guilted because she doesn't tell me, her once partner and best friend, her plans. Things I already know about how her sister messed her up when they were children. That it is healthy for her to be alone when her beloved pet is dying and hole herself up in her apartment alone. I don't say anything, or try to convince her otherwise. This is about her, not I.

 

She also comes home one night, distraught because a drunk man at the bar was throwing money at her and leaning in to whisper 'how much'. implying she was a prostitute. I encourage her idea to make herself feel pretty the next night and go out to dinner by herself. This seemed to help.

 

Then about a week ago, after the last words we exchanged were pleasant ones - she initiated contact, hoped I got to rest because I had the flu and combined with chronic bronchitis, I had to use oxygen therapy to sleep and I hate the feeling of the hose in my nose - she ceases all contact again without warning or word. Makes sure I know exactly what she's done, in what feels like a very calculated message to me.

 

I panic. Again.

 

I call a bunch from an old phone with a private number. I write two emails, leave two voice messages, and in my grief, I try to contact A. Then I cease all attempts.

 

To my surprise and horror, A responds to me. Tired of doing dumb things, tired of hurting, I admit to A outright who I am. I admit this was dumb and I do not presently have the tools I need to manage my grief. That I have no intention of spying or stalking. He says he will not tell her, and I ask him all of one question about her: does she hate me? He informs no, that she is just extremely disappointed and disillusioned in me. That he had to 'talk her down' from panic attacks from my 'relentless pursuit'.

 

(Keep in mind, that after the immediacy of the situation, I stopped trying entirely, so I was not exactly being relentless.)

 

A expresses surprise that we were back in touch, attempts to ask me for MY advice because she is doing to him what she did to me several times: pulling away, refusing to maintain conversations, monosyllabic communication.

 

During the conversation, I grow angry at the fact A is judging me. I need both hands to count how many times I've had to soothe R after A has caused her to break down. And I'm not the one who used her vulnerability to try and force a relationship. I am angry, but do not say anything.

 

I lie and inform A I think he is 'cool'. I thank him for his time and not telling her.

 

I have not contacted A or attempted contact with R since Tuesday. I have no intention of contacting either again.

 

Then on Thursday, R emails me. She says I cannot be trusted, have shown time and time again I do not respect her or her wishes. This is not the opening for another conversation, the conversation is over. Do not respond, do not contact her again.

 

It feels like R was baiting me. I don't know. I have not attempted further contact, nor will I.

 

I feel abandoned and isolated. I do not know what to do. I understand my behavior was wrong, begging and pleading with her. Etc. I'm working to change myself. I feel I will never see her again, and feel I do not deserve to.

 

... I just miss my friend.

Edited February 23, 2015 by inferioraxe

[Toodaloo]

Oh dear.

 

It sounds all as though it was bit of a fantasy...

 

Suggest when she comes back you don't answer.

[inferioraxe]

Oh dear.

 

It sounds all as though it was bit of a fantasy...

 

Suggest when she comes back you don't answer.

I have a serious question: most people I talk to suggest she will return, and sooner than I think. Why? I can see no scenario in which she ever resumes contact with me.

 

And perhaps it was a bit of a fantasy... but, well.. fifteen years with someone will leave emotional wounds, no matter the medium in which the friendship was pursued.

 

I'm torn if I want to answer her. I am over any romantic feelings for her, and tired of being a yo-yo.. but I'm pining for a friendship I dearly miss.

 

(Please note: I have a strong circle of real life friends for support. I feel intense shame and guilt I feel this way about someone over a computer.)

Edited February 23, 2015 by inferioraxe

[jus d'orange]

Hello there,

 

First of all, don't feel shame for having a deeply caring bond with somebody, even if you never met them. Your feelings are real, and what you describe is an honest relationship.

 

Secondly, I am glad you say you don't have any more romantic feelings for her. Please keep it that way; they will only tend to clutter your mind when you need to do the right thing here, which will require some strength.

 

I strongly recommend that you let this relationship end here, at least for several years. She is not capable of being a good friend, never mind a good romantic partner, to you, and by your description it doesn't sound like she has been in a long time. She has been taking and taking, and while it is great to be there for somebody, you are allowed to expect some kind of equality at some point. She not only hasn't offered that, she seems less capable of that than ever.

 

You may miss your friend, and if it helps you you can let her know that you wish her the best, but you need to put an end to this relationship. A total break. No emails, no skyping, no checking in with one another. I hope she continues with psychiatric care, because it sounds like she needs it. Meanwhile, keep yourself in therapy to heal from the hurt that these years have done to you, and focus on taking care of yourself and the strong group of friends you mentioned.

 

You will continue to miss her for a long time I imagine, but take heart in the fact that this is absolutely the best decision for everybody involved here.

[inferioraxe]

Hello there,

 

First of all, don't feel shame for having a deeply caring bond with somebody, even if you never met them. Your feelings are real, and what you describe is an honest relationship.

 

Secondly, I am glad you say you don't have any more romantic feelings for her. Please keep it that way; they will only tend to clutter your mind when you need to do the right thing here, which will require some strength.

 

I strongly recommend that you let this relationship end here, at least for several years. She is not capable of being a good friend, never mind a good romantic partner, to you, and by your description it doesn't sound like she has been in a long time. She has been taking and taking, and while it is great to be there for somebody, you are allowed to expect some kind of equality at some point. She not only hasn't offered that, she seems less capable of that than ever.

 

You may miss your friend, and if it helps you you can let her know that you wish her the best, but you need to put an end to this relationship. A total break. No emails, no skyping, no checking in with one another. I hope she continues with psychiatric care, because it sounds like she needs it. Meanwhile, keep yourself in therapy to heal from the hurt that these years have done to you, and focus on taking care of yourself and the strong group of friends you mentioned.

 

You will continue to miss her for a long time I imagine, but take heart in the fact that this is absolutely the best decision for everybody involved here.

I don't know if I can. I really, honestly, don't know if I can. We built so much together and it feels... it feels like because a moment of flashing anger from me nuked fifteen years of friendship. Like I'm the only one to blame.

[inferioraxe]

Ugh. Had a bad day today. Thoughts of suicide and hospitalization my therapist talked me down from. Contacted A again, pretended to care after her talking to him normally. He said yeah, said that's good and I'm glad, then changed my password and uninstalled Skype.

 

I don't know what to do. The nights are so long and empty without her, even though I remembered treasuring this time of night where I got to be by myself and didn't have to look after her.

 

People tell me she will be back. That given our history, no matter what I do, she'll never stay away long. I believe them and I don't.

 

When she does come back - which my gut tells me she will - I'm steeling myself to make the incredibly hard decision to confess my sins, show actual apology for them, but to tell her I'm just not ready yet to let her back in.