Kaiba Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Hi everyone, A bit of a backstory, my gf is 27, I'm 26, and we've been together for 5 months. She's Chinese, but she has been brought up within western culture most of her life, however her parents remain strictly traditional. We seem to have a perfectly healthy relationship, our communication is consistent, we can text all day, and there a times where we miss a day or two with no issues on either side. We can talk on the phone for hours after we finish work. Our sex life is alright, but we can do better. We're both rather inexperienced but I believe that will be solved over time as we become more comfortable with each other. We are both outdoor people so our dates are rather elaborate and exciting, lasting all day. And we've been through some really tough times together, namely the recent passing of my father and me being her emotional support whilst she suffers hell in her job. One night she started randomly crying when we were alone and said she has started to receive pressure from her relatives to get married, additionally she has social pressures as she sees her friends getting engaged or married by now. She clearly has given more thought than me to our possible future and she cannot shake the feeling that I'm not the one she will be marrying. She also said that she has reached a point in her dating life where she cannot fool around and by her own admission has put really high expectations on me, she also admits this is unfair of her, but she cannot help it. She has said that "You're the perfect boyfriend, completely faithful" and also said "I don't know what I want and I'm very confused". We do have common interests but there are differences as well. I have dreams to move overseas and continue the progression of my career. She says she needs to eventually return home and look after her parents as it's Chinese tradition. She can't cook and I can't cook. To me this isn't such a big deal, and can be easily fixed by either party when we move in together and my dreams are just that, dreams; I know that I may never fulfill them in my lifetime. She also feels we are not at the same level at our progression in life. She is a great girlfriend! Very caring, who seeks to please her partner and would expect nothing in return. I plan most of the dates as she's happy with whatever I decide and I take the initiative in the bedroom. She has considered taking a break, but she's worried about making a huge mistake in that if we get back together it will tarnish things. I pretty much gave her the option to break up with me there and then, with no hard feelings, she didn't take that opportunity. I need advice I'm not really sure how to proceed. I've asked friends, they say it's nothing more than a rough patch, just continue to be there for her and keep the lines of communication open. Others have told me if she is feeling like this after 5 months best to cut your losses and don't waste more time. To me I honestly don't see anything hugely wrong with our relationship, so I won't initiate a breakup, this seems to be all her.
JS84 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Honestly I avoid women who feel the need to live their lives through the expectations of others to such a large degree. You see that with certain cultures. Has she told you what SHE wants?? Or just what her mother, relatives, friends, and acquaintances want and expect from her? Because there is a big difference. And if it's the latter you might as well cut your losses and walk away. If anything that might help her make up her mind once and for all. If she's as into you as you're into her, when she sees you closing the door for good she'll either try to stop it from closing or you'll be doing her a favor by letting her live her life through what everyone else wants for her. Which plenty of people are perfectly fine with doing. It's not necessarily wrong, just different.
Buddhist Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) She's Chinese Cultural differences dude. SHe may have been raised in a western country, doesn't mean she is free of her culture though. In all honesty her parents are probably asking her what she intends to do with you. They may or may not like the fact you are not Chinese. I wouldn't say it's over. But I would ask her to explain to you the pressures she feels and why she feels them. Assure her that you aren't going to judge anything she says and you just want to understand. It could also be that you are fine for a finite relationship in her eyes but not marriage material. Her parents may be telling her it's time to put it aside, or she just be telling herself that. Edited February 23, 2015 by Buddhist
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Yeah you might be screwed due to cultural differences. Some Asian girls don't do that crap though and abide by western culture, too bad your GF isn't one =/ Not much you can do.
Author Kaiba Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 Thanks for your opinion guys, very much appreciated. We did speak on the phone for about 2 hours on the issue asking what she really wanted, and there is no doubt about it, marriage is definitely what she wants. I suppose with the passing of the recent Chinese new year and the pressure relatives place on their unmarried children during the celebration may be a contributing factor to her freaking out. I usually get the feeling that something is wrong and a girl starts to distance herself, but not this time, it was completely by surprise. To give you people a little more insight into her as a person and her history, she does live a very structured lifestyle with very set plans for the future, such as being married by 29-30, children by 33 at the most, she is an independent person. However, I do notice she tries to hide under an illusion of being an emotionally strong person, when in truth her past has shown her to be insecure when she is alone and single. For example, she had her first relationship of 2 years at 24 (3 breakups in between) fail because of religious reasons, with her unwilling to convert. Instead of ending right there, she decided and told him they will give it another 6 months after which she will break up with him. This eventually happened but her ex pleaded with her to get back, which she agreed and this time willing to adopt his religion, pretty much going back on her morals and integrity. Eventually he broke up with her. On top of this, right after the final breakup, she went on a date with a man who was already in a relationship. She knew this and went anyway, but it didn't go anywhere. She admits she rebounds hard and is something she's not proud of. Later on, she entered into a 3 month relationship (didn't have sex) with a ridiculously clingy person. Already promising to buy a house together. I suppose those words gave her the security she sought and already had thoughts that this man was the "one". I haven't made those promises to her as I believe that's premature and I want to be in a longer relationship, get to know her better before I start speaking of such things. They broke up because he cheated, and with that, her dreams shattered. She said she was a nervous wreck after that ordeal, and sought security from her 2 year ex right after her breakup that night, upon which they had sex, I personally was kinda disgusted when I heard this. Although she never officially got back together with her 2 year ex, she couldn't fully let go of him and kept sporadic contact and had a FWB relationship until her ex thought what he was doing was wrong and ended it for good. Then she finally met me. Sorry for all that, I needed to get that off my chest. For now, we've agreed to put what has recently happened behind us, she feels as if a great weight has been lifted of her shoulders after telling me all that, but I don't think she's realized the foundations of our relationship has been somewhat weakened. I now find myself unwillingly putting my guard up around her and I think that's my brains' way of preparing for a break-up and the heartbreak that follows.
Buddhist Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) but I don't think she's realized the foundations of our relationship has been somewhat weakened. I now find myself unwillingly putting my guard up around her and I think that's my brains' way of preparing for a break-up and the heartbreak that follows. If that's the way you feel, end it sooner, rather than later. She won't appreciate you wasting more of her time, especially as she's got a deadline. When talking interracial (I was engaged to an Asian, not a westernised one either) it's a ****load of work. Unless you are absolutely crazy about each other to the extent that life just would not be worth living if you didn't get together, you won't last. There are just far too many external pressures and negotiations from both sides to be anything less than absolutely solid in your relationship with each other. Learning a new language, customs and culture is tough. Having to do that just so you can understand the seemingly weird-arse stuff your in-laws come up with is a strain. Asian people have very close family networks, unless they are already divorced from their family for other reasons, they won't leave their family out of your relationship for as long as you are with them. Just my experience of it anyway. Edited February 24, 2015 by Buddhist
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