hopelessromantic1 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Please bear with me. This will be long. So I've been dating this girl for almost two years (I'm 24) and at no point in the relationship have things felt like they were just moving smoothly. I have never felt like I could just exhale and see a future with this girl. Here's the timeline. We date a for a little over a week and then breakup b/c I didn't see a future. I then date another girl for two weeks, end things with her, and then get back together with the first girl a couple of weeks later, figuring that I'll give it a shot, and if after four months when I start law school, I'm still not feeling it, we'll break up. As you might imagine, I still didn't feel it then, but I felt stuck, like I wanted out, but I feared leaving. A couple of months into law school, I started developing feelings for a fellow law student, and that led my girlfriend and I to break up, so I could get my head straight. That breakup last 16 hours, and we got back together b/c my girlfriend thought she was giving up on me instead of giving the relationship a real shot. This is six months in. For some more background information, both of us are virgins, completely by choice. We're both very attractive (I know, I sound like a prick, but it's useful for background). I was a virgin b/c of religious beliefs that I no longer hold, and she, b/c of religious beliefs and cultural background. Early on the relationship, the unsatisfying sexual portion of the relationship wasn't much of a big deal, but now that my beliefs have changed, it has become a major issue. So back to when we broke up two months into law school. We ended up dating for another two months before we broke up again after the semester. She dumped me b/c I still had feelings for the other girl. That breakup lasted 3 days until we saw each other at a wedding. During that breakup, I spoke with the girl I had feelings for to try to see if there was any possibility between us, and when I saw that there likely wasn't, I just let it go, and cut contact for the most part. I told this to my girlfriend when we got back together, so I wouldn't be hiding anything. We're now in January 2014. During that semester, most of the time we spent together was watching this one TV show, so we really didn't have much time to fight, but I still didn't feel like I could exhale. This was my first real long term relationship, although I have fallen for two girls in the past, so I had an idea of what sort of feelings I was looking for. Is that unrealistic? Are feelings in an actual relationship always different? During the summer, we again became pretty estranged. She was always busy, and took on extra projects to the point that she never really had time for me. It was the second straight summer she did this. I figured that we'd actually have time to spend together in the summer b/c we both could be a little bit less busy, but no. We've never even gone on a single vacation together! So now to September 2015. This is when my depression really started. I stopped really having any motivation to do anything. My grades dropped in school, and I spent most of my free time binge watching any good TV shows, I could find. It did coincide with some other stressful moments in my life and leaving the religion I grew up with, but I think it's most rooted in the lack of sex in the relationship. Since I left my religion, I have cared a lot more about having sex, as the chain of religion has gone away. Not only is there almost no sex in the relationship, but there is very little in the sexual activities department either. It has all begun to feel repetitive. I also usually feel bad after we do anything sexual b/c I just feel like I'm with the wrong person and I can't relax or be at ease while doing them. I usually prefer to use porn as a stimulant than my girlfriend. That was phrased awkwardly, but you get the point. We started seeing a therapist almost two months ago, and I haven't really seen any progress. The therapist comes from the religion I left (unintentional), and she doesn't seem to focus at all on the sexual dysfunction in the relationship. Just to clarify, my girlfriend is still part of the religion I came from, so that difference is another rift between us. Since we started dating, I would often see random girls on the subway or on the street that I found more attractive than my girlfriend, and often times, an objective observer would disagree with me. I don't know if that's because my girlfriend isn't my ideal look or b/c of the rifts between my girlfriend and me. But it drives me crazy. I'm often afraid to meet and befriend new girls out of fear that I will develop feelings for them even without trying, as that has happened a few times. Most of the time I could shut it off relatively quickly, but that shouldn't be happening. At this point, I'm down to my last straw b/c my girlfriend refuses to put in real effort. There is no excitement in the relationship, rare sex life, and she rarely even stay over at my apartment. She lives with her family a five minute walk away from my apartment. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation before? I want to move on, but my biggest fear is the unknown, so I'm terrified of ending the relationship. I'm thinking that maybe taking a break for a couple of weeks will allow me to break the bond and move on, but I don't even know how to do that. I'm tired of being paralyzed and depressed almost all the time. Our counselor said that she thinks I'm clinically depressed and should get medicated, but my personal therapist didn't think that I was depressed. Why the difference? Is it possible for a relationship to take a positive person and make them completely depressed? I used to think positively of the world, but now I just think negatively about almost everything. Does anyone have any words of advice they would share based on their experiences? I don't want to become one of those guys who is stays in a miserable relationship for 5 years, and then finally leaves. I don't want to waste away my glory years as an unhappy virgin. PLEASE HELP. ANY AND ALL ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
Buddhist Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 PLEASE HELP. ANY AND ALL ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. If you want sex and she doesn't it's time to end it. I scanned your OP, and it seems like you never really felt it with her. You just settled. You're only afraid of the unknown, not of losing this girl. Thats no reason to stay in a relationship. Speak up for what you want, then take action to get it.
jasxo Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 You answered your own question at the very beginning... "I've been dating this girl for almost two years and at no point in the relationship have things felt like they were just moving smoothly. I have never felt like I could just exhale and see a future with this girl." There's no point staying in a relationship that you're miserable in. And if sex is important to you, you'll be frustrated for a while. By the looks of it you won't have sex with her unless you marry her.
Author hopelessromantic1 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 Thanks for the responses so far. At times I'm also scared of losing her, as she gives me a sense of consistency and security, and sometimes when things are going well with her, I am happy. But I still always feel like something is missing, and that this isn't even close to the type of relationship I have always dreamt of. Oh, I don't really get along with most of her family, but all of my family and extended family loves her. =/ And you both pointed out that I've answered my own question really for myself. I know that. I just don't know how to get past this paralyzing fear. It's messing me up, and I don't know how to get past it. It's odd, b/c I'm the one who would always tell my friends to move on when they were in this situation, but it is much easier said than done.
Hesjustnotthatin2u Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Here's my advice: You need to get out now. The feelings have already dwindled that you had for her, if at any. You are clinging onto something in hopes it will get better, but it seems you have taken some steps in order to improve the relationship, such as seeing a therapist, and it still hasn't changed, but gotten worse. With that being said, I'm a 25 year old virgin by choice as well. My boyfriend is not, and I know it must be frustrating for someone who doesn't see my point of view on that subject. I will admit that it takes a special type of guy to be okay with dating a girl waiting until marriage. Please be fair to her. You are upset and not happy with her.. let her be happy with someone who will be okay with waiting, and as well as YOU getting the chance to be happy with someone else as well! Don't be afraid of the unknown. Take a chance. You only have one life to live, make it count.
Buddhist Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 At times I'm also scared of losing her, as she gives me a sense of consistency and security,..... But I still always feel like something is missing, and that this isn't even close to the type of relationship I have always dreamt of. . Yeah. That is the definition of settling. Don't break it up before you are ready, you'll just end up back with her again. But when you do walk away, shut the door properly and don't look back. Take our time, no rush.
jasxo Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I gave you that advice because I was in a very similar situation just last year. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 4 years and I loved him but I wasn't happy with him at all. I just didn't feel a spark and didn't see a future. I ended up breaking up with him and for 3 months following that I was depressed... I thought I made the wrong decision and second-guessed myself a million times. I didn't know if I could find anyone else to give me that security. Fast forward to now... I've found someone else and been with my current boyfriend for 7 months. They have honestly been the happiest months of my life. I feel like the huge hole that was missing in my last relationship has been filled and I am SO happy that I made the right decision and let go of my ex. Sometimes you never know what's waiting for you unless you take a chance. You are still young and will definitely find someone else that's suitable for you. I'm not saying you have to leave her but in the long run I think that may be what's best. Good luck
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Ask her if she'll make sexy time with you
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