The feeling of being completely alone...

[neildc]

Well, I'm trying to get over someone who ended up not wanting to take me back and it's been about a month since we had meaningful conversation. I've done all the typical things like shut down to the rest of the world, had difficulties sleeping, eating, pleaded with her, and it just has basically consumed my thoughts all day long no matter how much I try to focus. Even when I get out to do anything, she finds a way into my thoughts.

 

I admittedly am not one with a ton of friends, and the ones that I have are married or too far away to get together regularly. Just makes it harder as I am left alone and don't have as many opportunities to meet up with friends to take my mind off things. I'm trying to be braver and just go make things happen on my own but that's easier said than done.

 

I just wanted to know how others in similar situations have dealt with this horrible feeling of being left so utterly alone. I've done the playing sad music thing for way too long, don't think that's a good thing to keep up either now. I've poured my heart out to her, and she doesn't want to hear it. She's obviusly not thinking about me, so I don't know why I'm letting her affect my life. She was my best friend and lover and the thought that she can just so coldly shut us out just hurts is all. We spoke daily, all day long. Now, nothing. I know I shouldn't be complaining. It just hurts, that's all. This woman once said I was her everything and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and now, I don't even recognize who she has become. I totally get she has every right to be upset (I walked away because I didn't think I was ready to settle down). I realized soon after that I was and she was worth it, but she's said it's too late now. I understand, it just sucks. She loved me unconditionally and she would have never left me. I made a mistake I'm going to regret the rest of my life. All I have now are empty words and just a feeling of being alone that is indescribable.

Edited February 23, 2015 by neildc

[Ruby65]

Hey neil!

 

First off, you're not alone -- not in what you're describing anyway, that's a universal experience and I (and I'm sure most people here) can completely relate to what you're writing.

 

It's not unusual to let friendships slide when you're involved and then find yourself without a support system if there's a breakup. Right now is your chance to rebuild friendships, make new ones and set yourself up so you're never in a position to let that happen again! Friends are important!

 

Old friends who are busy with marriage/kids or long-distance can still be there for you by phone. And you need to spend some time actively developing new friendships. You do this by forcing yourself out of your isolated comfort zone and taking on new/old interests where you're going to meet people who like the same things you do -- things like sport clubs, meetup.com, volunteering at a cause you care about, getting a degree, taking classes or workshops for writing or painting or brewing your own beer or whatever floats your boat.

 

A breakup is a great time for self-improvement. Your focus is no longer on this other person and your relationship... now it gets to be on YOU and YOUR life. One area you're unhappy with is not enough friends? So make more friends.

 

It's time to broaden your horizons and take on new life goals. Focus on activities that make you really happy when you do them, that feed your soul. And working out -- if you're not already doing that, it's time to start.

 

The goal is to find weak areas in your life and focus on fixing them... instead of ruminating forever over what you lost. Now you can start to heal and rebuild so you're an even better partner for your new future way better girlfriend!

[neildc]

Hey neil!

 

First off, you're not alone -- not in what you're describing anyway, that's a universal experience and I (and I'm sure most people here) can completely relate to what you're writing.

 

It's not unusual to let friendships slide when you're involved and then find yourself without a support system if there's a breakup. Right now is your chance to rebuild friendships, make new ones and set yourself up so you're never in a position to let that happen again! Friends are important!

 

Old friends who are busy with marriage/kids or long-distance can still be there for you by phone. And you need to spend some time actively developing new friendships. You do this by forcing yourself out of your isolated comfort zone and taking on new/old interests where you're going to meet people who like the same things you do -- things like sport clubs, meetup.com, volunteering at a cause you care about, getting a degree, taking classes or workshops for writing or painting or brewing your own beer or whatever floats your boat.

 

A breakup is a great time for self-improvement. Your focus is no longer on this other person and your relationship... now it gets to be on YOU and YOUR life. One area you're unhappy with is not enough friends? So make more friends.

 

It's time to broaden your horizons and take on new life goals. Focus on activities that make you really happy when you do them, that feed your soul. And working out -- if you're not already doing that, it's time to start.

 

The goal is to find weak areas in your life and focus on fixing them... instead of ruminating forever over what you lost. Now you can start to heal and rebuild so you're an even better partner for your new future way better girlfriend!

 

Ruby65 (wish I had your real name, I assume Ruby),

 

I just wanted to thank you for your words, you have no idea how inspiring and uplifting it was to hear what you said. I wish your response could be pinned for everyone to see. It is certainly comforting to know that I am not alone. Thank you for your response, I really mean that.

 

You are absolutely right though, I have no reason not to reach out to old friends who I have lost touch with (regardless of circumstance/distance), make new ones, do new/old things I enjoy, etc. I had never thought about volunteering or meetup.com, but I can already see the possibilities are endless. Inside my isolated bubble, I didn't even know meetup.com was a thing. Spending 5 minutes on the site, I can see numerous things I would be interested in (and would lead to interacting with new people, at a minimum). Certainly at least to do something productive for myself and others (instead of wallowing), and meet new people/friends who are equally interested in getting out and doing things.

 

No more excuses about what I don't have or the lack of something in my life. I need to make that change and go out and actively make it happen. Nothing will get accomplished by sitting at home thinking about the past. I've made mistakes, I've painfully learned from them (and am continuing to learn), and will not repeat them. Broadening my horizons is a great way of putting it. I need to venture out and learn new things and just get out there and become a better version of myself. Hopefully along the way like you said, my new girlfriend (whomever that may be) will love the person I am/will become. I'm going to start focusing on self-improvement.

 

As a man, it might seem sappy...but I will never forget what you have said here. You have almost single-handedly just made my outlook on life going forward immensely better. I have been at the lowest of the low points (as many here have been), and I'm struggling to get stronger but I'm trying. Thank YOU again.