nicole1992 Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Long story short, we met online. He had just gotten out of an ugly break up of six years, ex girlfriend left him. Things were great, for the first few months or so. A couple months into it- he lied constantly about small things (watching porn, who he was texting, deleteing texts; he NEVER cheated though.) He was isolated, distant, quiet, impulsive, and hurtful. I was told things like "I'm not sure you're the right girl for me," "I got into this to fast," "I'm questioning you," "I don't think we have a future..." He would say this one day, I would cry; the next day he would apologize and say it wouldn't happen again. I believed him. This happened literally probably 15 times. 5 Months ago, I asked if he loved me, was questioning me.. I was told everything all over again and that he wasn't over his ex, I was a rebound and he was sorry. I broke it off that night. We didn't talk for 3 weeks, and he texted me asking if we could meet up. We talked, he apologized- said he needed time and that he wanted to come back. After 2 more months of him asking to come back (after starting Zoloft, & seeing a counselor) I finally agreed. Things were GREAT. He was a different person! He actually seemed like he NEEDED me. Until I screwed things up, I was OBSESSIVE over asking the SAME questions multiple times a day. Do you love me. Can I trust you. I don't trust you. Are you questioning me. Are you going to hurt me. Are you going to propose to me in less than 2 years. Are we going to move in in less than 2 years. I didn't trust a thing he did, with his phone, with hurting me. Even through all this; he has NOT once questioned me or wanted to leave. He told me in a month we would open a savings account, and within 2 years both of those things will happen & he will never leave/question me again. This morning I asked if this was going to continue to happen, and he said yes. This morning he told me that he isn't sure about me ONLY when we fight, (which is a lot lately) and that I need to stop asking these questions because he isn't sure he feels 100% about me, but then followed it up with I'm only not sure about you when we fight... I'm trying to get some help here. What do I do? How do I trust someone again? How do I allow him back completely? How do I not get hurt? How do I know he won't leave/question me again? How do I trust him going out with guy friends? How do I know he actually means what he is promising me? Someone please help :/ I have so much anxiety over this I can't seem to do anything witih him besides talk about it.
Buddhist Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 If you can't trust a guy enough to refrain from micro-managing his emotional life then you shouldn't be in a relationship at all. I suspect that you would also benefit from seeing a counselor.
Mrin Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 You are right - you did screw this up. Like an abused woman who retreats from conflict with her "reformed" abuser. So if that's the definition of screwing it up - then ya, you screwed it up. Honestly - this relationship sounds abusive and you are incredibly insecure. I'm not sure of it was the relationship that made you this way or you're narurally like this. IOf it is the relationship then I DON'T BLAME YOU. Prior to his Zoloft infused reformation the guy sounds like a complete a-hole. Post Zoloft, the guys sounds great. But you didn't fall in love with Zoloft guy. So why would you react all of a sudden differently to Zoloft Guy? You should seek a therapist to help wade through this. You are having to unlearn 2 years of this relationship and that just can't happen overnight. Look - you have millions of neurosynaptic connections that were based on the relative Hell you endured with pre-Zoloft Guy. Those neurosynaptic connections don't go away overnight no matter how much we wish the would. A therapist can help guide you. I'll leave you with a final thought - are you sure you want to be in a long term relationship with this guy? I mean, all that stands between him and the a-hole he was is a pill. If he stops taking that pill you're back to pre-Zoloft a-hole. Best of luck! Mrin
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