My Boyfriend is very unromantic and doesn't have regard for me

[bowie30]

Hey everyone!

 

So I have been trying for months to excuse my boyfriends lack of romance but Valentines day last weekend was the last straw.

 

Ive known my boyfriend for 3 years. we started seeing each other last year. he went away this past summer for 4 months. When he came back we continued seeing each other for 3 months until finally we began officially dating in November 2014. (Im 22 he is 23).

 

He was never romantic in the past and i just assumed it was because he wasn't my boyfriend. We had just been having sex with each other so i excused his unromantic behaviour. We've been dating 4 months now and in general he has been great. if i had to rate him i would give him an 8/10 in every aspect except romance.

 

The guy I was seeing before him might have spoiled me romantically. He wouldn't necessarily shower me with "i love yous" but he WOULD say I was beautiful very often, he would look at me sincerely, he loved making out and cuddling, he would read novels to me, he was very poetic. And i loved all these things about him because I myself am very poetic and very much a romantic. Those things are big parts of who I am. I know when you’re in a relationship you have to consider the other person and sometimes you have to make sacrifices and compromises, but am I wrong to not want to compromise on something so basic as romance? Especially if that is a big part of what makes me, me.

 

My boyfriend has NEVER once said I am beautiful, not even pretty. Sometimes through text he will say I am hot or sexy but these are very objectifying terms (if you know what I mean). I mean yes I know he is my boyfriend and of course I want my boyfriend to think Im hot and sexy but what about telling me I am beautiful? Or commenting on what I am wearing and saying I look pretty. I don't know how to tell him this without sounding totally narcissistic. Sometimes I wonder if he even thinks I'm pretty. I don't expect him to tell me this every day, by no means! Just every now and then it would be nice to have that reassurance.

 

My second major qualm with him has been his lack of regard for not only my feelings but ME as a person and as his girlfriend.

 

Last weekend was valentines day. Im not one of those people who expects presents or flowers or jewelry or expensive dinners. Im very simple in this regard. Over the last two months the two of us haven't been able to spend any alone time together. He has a roommate who happens to be one of his best friends so they both have the same friends. So whenever my boyfriend and I are hanging out at his house, his roommate will often come home with a bunch of their friends and my boyfriend doesn't want to be rude and isolate himself in his room with me so he feels obligated to go spend time with his friends as well. And I naturally have to follow. I understand this isn't totally within his control though so I have learned to accept and deal with it.

 

Due to the fact that we haven't been able to spend any alone time with each other I thought surly Valentines day would be the ONE day we can finally be alone and everyone (including himself) would understand and respect that! Two weeks before Valentines day I began planning a romantic dinner for him. Im not much of a cook and its a running joke between the two of us that Im not the greatest at cooking so I wanted to make a full dinner for him from scratch. I began scouring the internet for recipes. Around the same time, he mentions to me that he was planning a snowboarding trip with his friends (its a tradition, they go every year). He never mentioned the specific date they were going he just gave me a timeframe. 6 days before Valentines day, I had already picked all the things I planned to make for him, he still hadn't mentioned anything to me about Valentines day plans. I know he's not much of romantic so I wasn't expecting anything extravagant, I was genuinely just looking forward to spending the day with him and then begin able to cook for him at night!

 

Anyway, I decide to bring up valentines day to him since he wasn't bringing it up and I ask him what we wants to do during the day for V-day. He answers by asking: "What day is Valentines day? Thursday?" I was a little shocked, given that valentines day was on a Saturday and it was only 6 days away. I corrected him and told him Saturday and he, very nonchalantly, answered: "Oh, yeah Im going snowboarding this weekend with the boys!" I didn't say anything. He could tell I was a little bit bummed/annoyed so he added: "But ill make it up to you!" I was pissed. I had already gone through all this trouble of planning everything we were going to eat and do and he couldn't even have the decency to tell me he wasn't going to be here for V-day.

 

Im a pretty laid back person and I wouldn't have cared if he had just told me in advance. Maybe i should have told him i was planning a diner for him for valentines day but you would think, given that valentines day is the day for couples, that it would be pretty self explanatory that we would be spending it together. I feel like the fact that he didn't tell me he was leaving and the fact that i had to ask him myself shows he really didn’t even care enough to tell me he wouldn't be here for Vday. it showed me he didn't consider me at all when making his plans. he didn't even know which day valentines day was. i knew he wasn't very romantic but this just showed me he literally doesn't care at all about romance.

 

But even still, after a few days of getting used to the idea that i would be spending valentines day alone, i warmed up to the idea and got over it (sort of). To me, i don't think valentines day is about celebrating it on Feb. 14, i think it can be celebrated any time. i think its about taking the time to appreciate the person you're with. So I told him we can celebrate it when he gets back. I will also add that he wrote me a small song which he recorded and sent to me on valentines day. It wasn't a cheesy romantic guitar song or anything. It literally sounded like something the Red Hot Chilli peppers would have made. It was very psychedelic and it was a minute long. While it was a great song, i really loved it and the thought was very nice, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to think that that song isn't enough! like i said i don't expect dinner, flowers, or jewelry, i just wanted a day to spend with my boyfriend where we both go out of our way for each other and show and tell each other how much we care for each other.

 

When he came back form his trip a few days later, I was surprised to learn that he thought that the song he made me was enough. he for some reason thought he was exempt from valentines day duties because he made me a 60 second song which took him two hours. I know i sound very unappreciative but its just not the case. i am SO appreciative of the song. but like i said, thats not what valentines day is about. Considering we haven't had ANY alone time in two months all i was asking for was one day for US. No friends, no roommate, just us.

 

My boyfriend is not romantic. he never expresses to me how he feels about me or our relationship. in fact he never really tells me how he feels emotionally. So I suggested to him, to make up for the fact that he was away for valentines day and we didn't get to spend time together, I told him to write me a letter or poem. And he said "I wrote you a song already!" And I said the song was 6 lines basically saying how "hot" I am. it wasn't a sincere song. it didn't give me butterflies. it didn't tell me at all how he feels about me. He then came back and said he's not very poetic. And I said he doesn't need to be. Just write me a letter just so I know for myself how he feels since he never says it. Its been about a week since valentines day and he still hasn't written me a letter or done anything at all to make up for him not being here for valentines day. I even told him last night that Im sorry if I sounded unappreciative of his song and he said "its okay" and that was that. End of conversation. I honestly don't know how else to express how I'm feeling to him.

 

Valentines day is not the issue, its more the fact that i want to spend time with my boyfriend alone and he doesn't appreciate that. And I want him to be more romantic sometimes. Valentine's Day was just the perfect excuse for him to FINALLY be romantic and its like he totally avoided the whole thing.

 

I write letters and poems about him all the time and Ive been thinking, as a gesture and a little bit of a subtle nudge, that I should give him some of the poems Ive written and maybe after he reads how much I care about him, maybe he'll feel more comfortable expressing how he feels to me. And It doesn't even have to be a poem, I just want him to do or say something, anything so I know how he feels!

 

So I guess my question is: Am I being unreasonable in any of my demands? I only just started dating him 4 months ago so its still fairly new, I don't know if Im overreacting or if I should just relax and just not say anything and let it go. Also, (second question) how should I get him to be more romantic? What can I do/say without sounding too “needy” and narcissistic? I don't want him to feel like I'm bothering him with this all the time. Thats how he makes me feel though. Because he doesn't care about this "romance" stuff, he doesn't appreciate where Im coming from. So when I bring it up to him sometimes, it seems like he hates talking about it and I feel like I'm annoying him.

 

Any help/suggestions would be so appreciated.

 

Thank you!!

Edited February 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for readability

[Buddhist]

I couldn't get through your wall of text. My guess if from the first paragraph that he just doesn't have the same love language as you. This will eventually be a deal breaker.

[bathtub-row]

Yeah, sorry, I couldn't read all of your post, either. However, I'd say that either you're not important to him or he likes withholding affection and compliments. Basically, this isn't the guy for you. He's lazy and uncaring and immature. I'd advise you to cut out the cancer, raise your standards, and move on.

 

Oh, and btw, there's nothing wrong with wanting flowers and candy and dinner on Valentine's.

[kendahke]

Hey everyone!

 

So I have been trying for months to excuse my boyfriends lack of romance but Valentines day last weekend was the last straw.

Ive known my boyfriend for 3 years. we started seeing each other last year. he went away this past summer for 4 months. When he came back we continued seeing each other for 3 months until finally we began officially dating in November 2014. (Im 22 he is 23).

He was never romantic in the past and i just assumed it was because he wasn't my boyfriend. We had just been having sex with each other so i excused his unromantic behaviour. We've been dating 4 months now and in general he has been great. if i had to rate him i would give him an 8/10 in every aspect except romance.

The guy I was seeing before him might have spoiled me romantically. He wouldn't necessarily shower me with "i love yous" but he WOULD say I was beautiful very often, he would look at me sincerely, he loved making out and cuddling, he would read novels to me, he was very poetic. And i loved all these things about him because I myself am very poetic and very much a romantic. Those things are big parts of who I am. I know when you’re in a relationship you have to consider the other person and sometimes you have to make sacrifices and compromises, but am I wrong to not want to compromise on something so basic as romance? Especially if that is a big part of what makes me, me.

 

in this instance, yes you're wrong. It's not like you didn't know who you were dealing with before you made it official. Making it official doesn't mean that he's going to suddenly flip into being someone he's never shown you an interest in being. This has nothing to do with making compromises or sacrifices: it's about you not seeing who he is, as he is. Who you wish he was doesn't enter into this and that's where I see you making your mistake with him.

 

My boyfriend has NEVER once said I am beautiful, not even pretty. Sometimes through text he will say I am hot or sexy but these are very objectifying terms (if you know what I mean). I mean yes I know he is my boyfriend and of course I want my boyfriend to think Im hot and sexy but what about telling me I am beautiful? Or commenting on what I am wearing and saying I look pretty. I don't know how to tell him this without sounding totally narcissistic. Sometimes I wonder if he even thinks I'm pretty. I don't expect him to tell me this every day, by no means! Just every now and then it would be nice to have that reassurance.

 

He isn't that guy. He's not going to say all of that of his own volition. He sounds like the kind of guy you're going to have to harp and nag to get him to emote like that... and if you have to do all that, what's the point?

 

My second major qualm with him has been his lack of regard for not only my feelings but ME as a person and as his girlfriend.

Last weekend was valentines day. Im not one of those people who expects presents or flowers or jewelry or expensive dinners. Im very simple in this regard. Over the last two months the two of us haven't been able to spend any alone time together. He has a roommate who happens to be one of his best friends so they both have the same friends. So whenever my boyfriend and I are hanging out at his house, his roommate will often come home with a bunch of their friends and my boyfriend doesn't want to be rude and isolate himself in his room with me so he feels obligated to go spend time with his friends as well. And I naturally have to follow. I understand this isn't totally within his control though so I have learned to accept and deal with it.

Due to the fact that we haven't been able to spend any alone time with each other I thought surly Valentines day would be the ONE day we can finally be alone and everyone (including himself) would understand and respect that! Two weeks before Valentines day I began planning a romantic dinner for him. Im not much of a cook and its a running joke between the two of us that Im not the greatest at cooking so I wanted to make a full dinner for him from scratch. I began scouring the internet for recipes. Around the same time, he mentions to me that he was planning a snowboarding trip with his friends (its a tradition, they go every year). He never mentioned the specific date they were going he just gave me a timeframe. 6 days before Valentines day, I had already picked all the things I planned to make for him, he still hadn't mentioned anything to me about Valentines day plans. I know he's not much of romantic so I wasn't expecting anything extravagant, I was genuinely just looking forward to spending the day with him and then begin able to cook for him at night! Anyway, I decide to bring up valentines day to him since he wasn't bringing it up and I ask him what we wants to do during the day for V-day. He answers by asking: "What day is Valentines day? Thursday?" I was a little shocked, given that valentines day was on a Saturday and it was only 6 days away. I corrected him and told him Saturday and he, very nonchalantly, answered: "Oh, yeah Im going snowboarding this weekend with the boys!" I didn't say anything. He could tell I was a little bit bummed/annoyed so he added: "But ill make it up to you!" I was pissed. I had already gone through all this trouble of planning everything we were going to eat and do and he couldn't even have the decency to tell me he wasn't going to be here for V-day. Im a pretty laid back person and I wouldn't have cared if he had just told me in advance. Maybe i should have told him i was planning a diner for him for valentines day but you would think, given that valentines day is the day for couples, that it would be pretty self explanatory that we would be spending it together.

 

Not when it comes to a guy who already isn't making you feel special. He sounds like someone you needed to speak up and say when he brought up the snow boarding trip: "Valentine's day is on Saturday this year and I'd really love to spend some alone time with you--I'm planning a surprise for you. What day exactly are your reservations for the snow boarding trip?"

 

 

I feel like the fact that he didn't tell me he was leaving and the fact that i had to ask him myself shows he really didn’t even care enough to tell me he wouldn't be here for Vday. it showed me he didn't consider me at all when making his plans. he didn't even know which day valentines day was. i knew he wasn't very romantic but this just showed me he literally doesn't care at all about romance. But even still, after a few days of getting used to the idea that i would be spending valentines day alone, i warmed up to the idea and got over it (sort of). To me, i don't think valentines day is about celebrating it on Feb. 14, i think it can be celebrated any time. i think its about taking the time to appreciate the person you're with. So I told him we can celebrate it when he gets back. I will also add that he wrote me a small song which he recorded and sent to me on valentines day. It wasn't a cheesy romantic guitar song or anything. It literally sounded like something the Red Hot Chilli peppers would have made. It was very psychedelic and it was a minute long. While it was a great song, i really loved it and the thought was very nice, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to think that that song isn't enough! like i said i don't expect dinner, flowers, or jewelry, i just wanted a day to spend with my boyfriend where we both go out of our way for each other and show and tell each other how much we care for each other.

 

Honey, he's been showing you for some time now that he's not that guy and you've been choosing to ignore that neon red flag smacking you in the face.

 

When he came back form his trip a few days later, I was surprised to learn that he thought that the song he made me was enough. he for some reason thought he was exempt from valentines day duties

 

Valentine's Day isn't a duty.

 

because he made me a 60 second song which took him two hours. I know i sound very unappreciative but its just not the case. i am SO appreciative of the song. but like i said, thats not what valentines day is about. Considering we haven't had ANY alone time in two months all i was asking for was one day for US. No friends, no roommate, just us.

 

As you aptly write in your next sentence:

 

My boyfriend is not romantic. he never expresses to me how he feels about me or our relationship. in fact he never really tells me how he feels emotionally. So I suggested to him, to make up for the fact that he was away for valentines day and we didn't get to spend time together, I told him to write me a letter or poem. And he said "I wrote you a song already!" And I said the song was 6 lines basically saying how "hot" I am. it wasn't a sincere song. it didn't give me butterflies. it didn't tell me at all how he feels about me. He then came back and said he's not very poetic. And I said he doesn't need to be. Just write me a letter just so I know for myself how he feels since he never says it. Its been about a week since valentines day and he still hasn't written me a letter or done anything at all to make up for him not being here for valentines day. I even told him last night that Im sorry if I sounded unappreciative of his song and he said "its okay" and that was that. End of conversation. I honestly don't know how else to express how I'm feeling to him.

Valentines day is not the issue, its more the fact that i want to spend time with my boyfriend alone and he doesn't appreciate that. And I want him to be more romantic sometimes. Valentine's Day was just the perfect excuse for him to FINALLY be romantic and its like he totally avoided the whole thing.

 

Sweetheart--he's not going to be romantic with you. He's not going to express to you how he feels about you. He's not going to tell you how he feels emotionally. He's never been that guy and he's never going to be that guy.

 

If you're not getting what you need from him, why do you insist upon staying with him, wasting your youth behind a guy who can't be for you who you need? Life is really too short for BS and sticking around with someone who will not meet your needs is BS. Come on, girl!

 

I write letters and poems about him all the time and Ive been thinking, as a gesture and a little bit of a subtle nudge, that I should give him some of the poems Ive written and maybe after he reads how much I care about him, maybe he'll feel more comfortable expressing how he feels to me. And It doesn't even have to be a poem, I just want him to do or say something, anything so I know how he feels!

 

That's not going to work because he is not that kind of a guy. A guy who would rather go snowboarding with his boys when he knows damb well when Valentine's Day hits===everybody knows what day that hits every year--right after the Christmas decorations come down, Valentines crap is all in the stores==is a guy who is not emotionally invested in you. He knew when he saw his reservations for that weekend that 2/14 falls between 2/13 and 2/16, since it was a 3 day weekend this year. He chose to be with them rather than spend a romantic evening with you---or even invite you to go along.

 

So I guess my question is: Am I being unreasonable in any of my demands? I only just started dating him 4 months ago so its still fairly new, I don't know if Im overreacting or if I should just relax and just not say anything and let it go.

 

Yes and no. I don't think you're being unreasonable because everyone in a relationship likes a little validation on Valentine's Day. However, I do think you're being unreasonable because you've known how this guy is for a lot longer than 4 months and you still have chosen to keep hitting your head against the brick wall. The red stain is getting bigger and I'm sure your head is aching by now, right?

 

Also, (second question) how should I get him to be more romantic?

 

You can't. You have to accept that if you choose to remain in a relationship with him, this is what you'll expect. He has to come to that of his own volition and so far, he's going in the opposite direction of that.

 

What can I do/say without sounding too “needy” and narcissistic? I don't want him to feel like I'm bothering him with this all the time. Thats how he makes me feel though. Because he doesn't care about this "romance" stuff, he doesn't appreciate where Im coming from. So when I bring it up to him sometimes, it seems like he hates talking about it and I feel like I'm annoying him.

Any help/suggestions would be so appreciated.

Thank you!!

 

It's time to leave this. You and he are not compatible. You need a guy who recognizes your affection for him and is eager to reciprocate. This guy ain't that guy and the sooner you figure that out and make a move, the happier you will be. Stop being lazy and do what you need to do for your own happiness. He is incapable of making you happy.

[katiegrl]

I agree with Buddhist .

 

You're not wrong for wanting him to be romantic....and HE isn't wrong for not. You and he are just "different."

 

You can never make a guy give more than he has it in him to give. He is who he is. And you either accept and love him for who he is...and the things he *does* give you....OR you quietly leave...and find a guy who is more romantic.

 

Sorry that's probably not what you wanted to hear...but those are the only choices you have IMO.

[preraph]

He's just getting sex, and that's all. He has no regard for you or your needs at all. One thing you have to start doing with everyone is not give any more than you are getting -- and let them be the first one to make a gesture. You're just letting him use you and rewarding him for it!

[jasxo]

You will never be happy in that relationship because he does not care about your needs and never wants to sacrifice. I would run like hell... But thats just me lol.

Edited February 23, 2015 by jasxo