jmark Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 (edited) I met a girl in early 2013. I'm not the type to develop feelings for someone until I get to know her. But with this girl I was instantly drawn to her from the moment we first met. I thought she was beautiful, smart, and funny. But I honestly believed she was out of league. But I eventually found out through a mutual friend that she liked me too. So I asked her out and things started out well. But over the course of 6-7 months she began telling me that she has commitment issues and I eventually felt her become distant. She broke up with me in the summer of 2013. I was hurt. Probably more hurt than I should have been since we never really got serious and I always seemed more interested than her. I got over it but I never really stopped wondering about her. Fast forward about 15 months later and after no contact whatsoever I ran into her. We hit it off again immediately. I proceeded with some caution due to our past but things were so different this time. She became serious pretty quickly. We had great chemistry, laughed all the time, spent almost every full weekend together, and I believed the interest level was mutual this time. I can honestly say that this period was the happiest I had ever been in a relationship. We even started talking about a future together. The one problem we had is that I lived about an hour from her which made it difficult to see each other except on weekends. So when my lease was about to expire she asked me if I would consider moving closer to her. This was completely her idea. So after thinking about it for a bit, despite the fact it would my commute to work longer, I decided to do it because I believed this relationship had real long term potential. I confirmed again that this is what she wanted and I rented a place near her. On the day I moved she came over and I could immediately tell she was acting weird. We got to talking and she told me she has started 'questioning things' between us. Literally 48 hours earlier we were talking about how exciting it was to live closer together and how happy we were. Needless to say, I was extremely disappointed and hurt. She has said that she still wants to be together but just wanted to let me know where she is in the relationship. It hasn't been long but since this happened we have hung out less (which was the opposite of the point of me moving) and I can't shake this bad feeling that I'm going to get dumped. She also told me she is seeing a therapist to deal with her commitment issues. That could explain some of this but I don't understand why she would simultaneous do one thing to potentially bring us closer (seek therapy) while doing another thing to pull us apart (express doubt). What do you think is going on here? How do you think I should proceed? And how do I stay patient and give her some space while dealing with the anxiety of feeling like someone I care a lot about is going to dump me? Thank you for feedback. Edited February 22, 2015 by jmark
Buddhist Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I think she is one of these people who thinks they want commitment when they actually don't. I was one of these people too. I was just following the script of get a boyfriend, get married. But each time I was engaged, I felt like I was suffocating and broke it off. I came to the conclusion that style of relationship is not for me. Can you get out of your lease? If you can I would do so now. No point in losing your job as well as a relationship, and doing a huge commute to work everyday will make your on the job performance suffer. Tell her to go to therapy, move back to your usual location and when she's got her commitment issues sorted out to let you know. This isn't something you need to be messed up in.
Author jmark Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 I think she is one of these people who thinks they want commitment when they actually don't. I was one of these people too. I was just following the script of get a boyfriend, get married. But each time I was engaged, I felt like I was suffocating and broke it off. I came to the conclusion that style of relationship is not for me. Can you get out of your lease? If you can I would do so now. No point in losing your job as well as a relationship, and doing a huge commute to work everyday will make your on the job performance suffer. Tell her to go to therapy, move back to your usual location and when she's got her commitment issues sorted out to let you know. This isn't something you need to be messed up in. That's interesting what you said about her possibly being one of those people who thinks she wants commitment but doesn't. I'm not saying that is the case, but it has crossed my mind before. Everything you are saying is rational. But I am emotionally invested and it would be very difficult to walk away from someone I care about this much. I'm not the type who thinks every girlfriend is the one or gets overly attached. But I really like her and want to see it work. Which is probably why I'm feeling this way : /
clia Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 It's hard to say whether she is just having commitment-phobic feelings of cold feet that became real once you were moving that she will be able to get over, or whether you are about to get dumped. IMO, you should pull way back and give her space all the way to China. I think it would be a bad idea to be texting, calling, wanting to discuss the situation, etc. Pull back an give her time to miss you. Play it cool.
Mrin Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 My initial reaction was - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me... But I think I'll second clia's advice.
Vintage79 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Dude - all I'm going to say is that's a rough situation. At this point I'd just play it cool and see what happens. You could try to chat with her to get a better idea of what the actual problem is and then try to mitigate that fear/problem, but that's a tough road and requires effort and engagement from her (i.e. a willingness and desire to try to make it work out). Chances are it will end pretty much the same was as it did before. I dated a girl for several years, and just when we were gearing up to co-locate, she did pretty much exactly what you're describing - although fortunately I hadn't moved yet. I feel for you man - hopefully it works out for the best.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 You made a mistake by moving for her so soon.
hopelessromantic1 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Honestly, it sounds like she's the type that likes a challenge. When you lived far away and weren't so accessible, she had a challenge. But the moment you moved closer to her, the challenge dissipated. I'd move back to your original area if you can, and make it that she needs to take the commitment steps, that she has to move toward you, and take further steps to make it work, so she feels like she is working hard to make things work. That's just my two cents, but from experience that makes the most sense. Good luck!
oberkeat Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Reading this was like reliving my last major relationship. Like you, I was with a girl I thought the world of, but who was unwilling to commit. It seemed like the more serious our relationship became, the more distant she got. Ultimately, she decided that the only way to preserve her 'autonomy' was to leave the relationship. And to this day I have never met another girl I loved that much. Give her room to breathe. I can't say if she'll come around, but I can say from experience that trying to force things with girls like that will only accelerate their departure from the relationship.
Author jmark Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Thank you for the feedback everyone. I greatly appreciate it. I decided to have a heart to heart with her. I don't like being in a place where I feel like I waiting to get dumped. She says she still wants to stay together but nothing has changed in the short period since. She's either not getting it that I have lost confidence in this relationship or doesn't care. In the short term I will do my best to give her space and play it cool. I just don't understand get this at all.
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