tiki Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 I feel bad for even writing this. Maybe someone can help me. I've been married for no time. Like 4 months or something. I want another child...I think. I think it's a natural progression to want to have something as tremendous as a child between two people that have an awesome love. Of course, I want to make sure that I'm in a good, solemn, stable situation before making a life-long decision like having children. But having a kid with my husband has come up. But I'm scared. I have a son, he has a daughter. K is a good dad. Not a great dad. He does things that I'd never do to my son as a Mom. He kind of puts her on the back burner. I've talked to him about this, and he's really trying to work on it. I told him I didn't know if it was because the whole father/child bond was so different from the mother/chold bond, or if it is because she's only there 2.5 days a week. But I've noticed that he isn't as involved in her life as I am with my son. Is that bad???? But my main question is, what if we have a child, will he be different to this child? Should I expect different? It seems unfair to expect different, but I want him to be more involved in that child's life. I'm really trying to help him out with his daughter. He doesn't want to be the reject-parent and he understands the relationship can degenerate if he doesn't get his act together. Am I over-analyzing the fact that he could maybe not be a super dad? Have a kid with him, or no? Change him now, get knocked up later? It's not fair to his daughter if he commits fully to another kid, but not her??? Or is it because he's divorced from her mom?? HELP!
HokeyReligions Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Wow. Sounds like you have a fantastic basis for personal and marital growth. Parenting is the toughest job ever and most parents do not want to be told to do something different! I think a lot of times we take a defensive stance -- I know in some areas I do. However, in other areas I'm always open to help! Talk to him about how you would want him to be more involved with your child together than he is with his daughter and in the same vein, that you don't want his daughter to be left out. Good grounds for communication. How are you with his daughter? How is he with your son? Why not take some of the stress of a decision off your shoulders right now by setting a time, say on your one year anniversary to revisit having another child. That gives you time to work on your new family, and understand each other, and learn from each other, before having to make such a big decision.
izzybelle Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 i think hokey's right about a number of things in her post and mostly about waiting and revisiting it in maybe a year. there's no doubt a lot of adjustment going on without adding a new little one into the mix. i know some men who are incredible dads. they do anything to spend time with their kids and have wonderful relationships with their kids. i also know a number of men who aren't quite that way. they're there when they have to be, their focus is their work and most of the time, their time is taken up with that. the SG i'm currently dating is a doting dad who clearly misses his kids when he's not with them. he and i both know that regardless of what we're doing, if the kids need us, that's it, date over. my ex tries, he really does, but he's a disorganized mess, very self-centered, and only able to focus on one thing or one person at a time. but i know he loves the kids with all his heart and they know it too. but he routinely misses things because he forgets, is too busy with work, or now, busy with his fiance. my kids friends know their schedule and when they're at which house better than he does. and in some ways, i worry about the same things you do. he's getting married, she's made it clear that she wants kids and i worry that my kids will get put on the back burner because his new wife will expect him to do stuff with her and any children they have. and i know my kids are worried about this as well. i think it's near impossible to change someone's parenting style unless they really want to change. i've tried talking to my ex about him pretty much ignoring the kids when his fiance is around. i end up being the bi!chy ex-wife. so my kids try talking to him about it and it changes for a week and then goes back to the way it was. you're in a tough position, but then again, you already know that i do think that societal expectations of dads is different, but changing. many of them also behave more like their dads may have with them. my ex comes from a VERY traditional, dad worked long hours, mom took the kids everywhere, dad was only there for extremely important events, kind of home. so in all honesty, i don't know why i expected him to be any different. are there ways you can actively involve him in more things? include him, without saying that you're trying to change him, to make him more active with the kids? and there's always more of a possibility that he might be more involved with any additional kids but yes, does that push the others further to the side. i guess that's always the fear with any yours, mine and ours type family. he may not ever be able to become super dad but you may be able to meet half-way. if he can increase his involvement would you be willing to set your expectations a little lower? if you're anything like me, i'm guessing that it's hard to imagine someone not wanting to take an active role in their kids lives. you said that having kids has come up. has he brought it up? is he excited about the possibility? if you do decide to have a baby, maybe there's a class, or a counselor who can give you all some tips on how to have a "successful" blended family? wish i had more words of wisdom, but i'm trying to find some of the same answers, except i have no control over what does and will go on in my ex's house. from what i've read of your posts, the bond and love you share with your new hubby is pretty strong. i do think that open communication and being willing to compromise may make everyone happy, including a new little tiny-tiki!
moimeme Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 But my main question is, what if we have a child, will he be different to this child? I sure hope not!!!!! Nothing is worse for a child's well-being, IMHO, than to be neglected by a parent or to see a parent favouring another of his own children. I don't care what you want, when it comes to kids, they have to come first. Even if they're not yours.
Author tiki Posted April 6, 2005 Author Posted April 6, 2005 My relationship with his daughter is very good. His relationship with my son is fair. Hell, the relationship with his OWN daughter is just fair. I have found that she has really taken to me and even prefered me over her own father a couple of times. That bothered him. It should!!! She doesn't need two mothers and no father. She needs one mother and one father. He needs to step up!!! God, I feel so bad talking about this?! His ex-wife isn't a superb mother by any means. To be honest, not even CLOSE. And because of this, I feel like it's his job to step up to the plate. If her mom doesn't care enough/pay enough attention to something that is failing, why does he sit there and let it happen too?!? It's laziness, I think. She's got three kids, and she's a single mom. I know her time/energy has to be limited with the daughter. But why am I the one to care??? Why do I have to say to him things like, "I don't think that she's being fed right", "she needs to see a dentist for her first oral cleaning" (she's six and never been). "Why are you satisfied with her crappy grades, those are not really acceptable to me?"....sh*t like that. I could just cry. Okay, here's a perfect example of what is making me crazy. Last night, my husband borrowed a tiller, we are tilling the entire front yard. I call him after work. He says to me that we should miss her practice, because he needs to till. I told him that would be fine, that she understands that we cannot make it to all of her practices. And he will need to get the tiller back soon. Now, keep in mind, there's only a few hours of daylight left. I say, "Well, I don't wanna keep ya, you probably wanna get started with the tiller" and he gets upset because he wants to talk on my way home (he loves to talk, talk, talk). I was like....WTF?!?!? I was thinking....you can miss your daughter's softball practice because you have to do yardwork, but you can spend 20-25 minutes blabbing to me on the phone. It doesn't make sense. And I want better for her. So we're working on that. I'm coaching him through. And I hope it's just because he's a part-time dad that he's this way. Because truthfully, I WANT MORE for our child. And I know that's not fair to her. Re: Waiting a year.....he's like 33, I'm 29. I'm so afraid we're getting too old to have kids any much longer. But I don want to get this fixed before we try. He's so thankful when I talk to him about this situation. He thanks me for being honest, because "no one else will be this honest" with him. I know he wants to try, that's a good sign. But sheesh, why doesn't it come natural?! The want, to be a super parent? Why do I have to force it? That's what scares me. But I have to force everything with him, that's what I tell him. It's like he lives in a bubble, and once that bubble is popped, he's fine, but until then, he can be rather naive (or lazy) or something??? Sorry this was so damn long. Thanks for all your replies.
Debster Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I don't have any kids yet (but hope too soon!) but it might just be that he was never taught how to be a good parent. Could it be that he had a bad childhood with uninvolved parents and that is what he knows? Consistent encouragement and seeing the reward of a growing bond with his child might be all he needs to turn around. Good luck.
Author tiki Posted April 6, 2005 Author Posted April 6, 2005 Thank you for your encouraging words. Yes, his parents we're a little on the kooky side. His grandmother and grandfather taught him mostly all he knows. His mom is still half baked.
Merin Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Well Tiki, for me this is a hard thing... My EXH is not a great Dad to the 2 wee people we share.. he's an okay Dad and I trust him to take care of them for the little time he has them.. but he doesn't go out of his way to be a Great Dad.. know what I mean? It's interesting to me now.. because he has another kiddo now with his GF their Baby isn't a year old yet, but I do see him more involved with her than he ever was with ours.. of course he spends more time with her because she lives with him (his daughter) and he doesn't live with ours.. on his weekends with them (ours) they do not spend any over nights with him.. they stay over night with his Mom and he goes to visit them during the day. I'm happy for his daughter (he has with his GF) but yeah.. it's sad to me that he already had 2 amazing little people and while they were never priority for him, they are even less so now. My BF on the other hand is very involved with his kids they are 10 (just turned) and 2.. they are awesome kids and I go out of my way to get on thier level and know them.. We (my BF and I) don't want any more kids.. so we're on the same page there.. for both of us I guess we feel we have all we need and can deal with at this point.. and for me in having another kiddo.. I guess in some ways I wouldn't feel right about it anyway as my kids have expressed concern about thier Dad caring only for the new one he has... Hard choice for you and K.. but I know whatever you decide it will be the right thing.
Author tiki Posted April 6, 2005 Author Posted April 6, 2005 SEE?!? What is wrong with men?! That's so not fair for your kids and I'd kick him in the face!!! (Not really ) But what a load of crap! And these kids see this! And it's sooo not fair to them. But I want more from him, more participation. I think he's doing better and is more involved, you just gotta kick-start his dumb ass. I can't believe I just said that. But why isn't this KNOWN, a GIVEN?? Why am I the one that has to burst his bubble? Anyway, as you can see, it's a sensitive topic.
Merin Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Originally posted by tiki SEE?!? What is wrong with men?! That's so not fair for your kids and I'd kick him in the face!!! (Not really ) But what a load of crap! And these kids see this! And it's sooo not fair to them. But I want more from him, more participation. I think he's doing better and is more involved, you just gotta kick-start his dumb ass. I can't believe I just said that. But why isn't this KNOWN, a GIVEN?? Why am I the one that has to burst his bubble? Anyway, as you can see, it's a sensitive topic. Yeah it is a sensitive topic for a lot of people and for a lot of different reasons... My EXH is this way.. I have to tell him at times that OUR KIDS are upset when he doesn't show up, or if he makes promises and doesn't keep them.. you would think he would know that.. but uh.. guess not. The important thing right now Tiki is at least you and K can talk about this..
DancingGal Posted April 23, 2005 Posted April 23, 2005 I used to be involved with a guy who was a single dad - we both have boys the same age. Talk about major differences in parenting styles - WHOA! This guy had custody and is raising his son to be more of a fraternity brother rather than a father/son relationship. Their house has bikini calendars in the living room - smut magazines in the bathrooms and his son is allowed to do whatever he wants - all at the age of 13. My son - also 13 - is being raised to have morals, manners and respect. His son is 13 but thinks he's 21. He's got access to porn, freedom to come and go whenever he wants and bring in whomever he wants into their house at any time. I'm a stricter parent - I'm a mom for pete's sake and I think parents should act like parents to their children, take responsibiity and raise them with morals and manners - not treat you kid like you buddy or pal. Teenagers especially need PARENTS - not best buds. Me and my son get along great - he makes good grades and runs with clean friends. His son is failing 7th grade, hangs out with trashy kids and stays up all night watching Girls Gone Wild in his bedroom with his dad's KY Jelly. So yes I think there are differences in parenting styles - that's what's wrong with most kids today - half the parents out there don't care enough to pay attention to their kids. They just want them out of their hair. Be an adult, be a parent - put your child first and be responsible for raising them to be decent human beings. Don't take on a blended family when you or your potential mate can't parent their own kids - they sure won't parent yours once you're married.
Chris777 Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 "SEE?!? What is wrong with men?! That's so not fair for your kids and I'd kick him in the face!!! (Not really ) But what a load of crap! And these kids see this! And it's sooo not fair to them. But I want more from him, more participation. I think he's doing better and is more involved, you just gotta kick-start his dumb ass. I can't believe I just said that. But why isn't this KNOWN, a GIVEN?? Why am I the one that has to burst his bubble? Anyway, as you can see, it's a sensitive topic. " I am at a loss as to Parents in general, spending their time with people, and in places they shouldnt, My ex wifes 1st hubby now has custody of a baby he did not even father (his 2nd wife ran off got knocked up, and came back, only to leave again, and he took her kid) My ex was always so concerned the 1st hubby would do her kids wrong, Only now My ex wife would rather Raise adults than her own children (mid 20's , early 40's , and 50's) She is "helping" them, and "Feels sorry for them" My daughter broke into another crying spell yesterday whimpering (I miss my mom), and today asked the church to pray for her mother, so that she would hear something from her. like I said double hinged door.
moimeme Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 But sheesh, why doesn't it come natural?! The want, to be a super parent? I missed this first time out. Nothing 'comes natural'. Even to animals - there can be good animal mommies and bad ones just as there can be good human parents and bad ones. Parenting is not an instinct; it's a learned behaviour. The parents referred to in this thread didn't learn how to be real great parents. Most of all, they haven't learned to put themselves in the kids' places. So ask the gonzo parents 'how would you feel if that was you and your dad didn't come to see you?'.
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