sr123 Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Hello, here is what I have been going through lately and I need advice. I apologize if this is long. I've been in an amazing relationship for almost 4 years now, she is 24 and I am 30. We dated for just over 2 years before I asked her to marry me. We met at work (different departments so we don't really work together, we just see each other in passing and are able to spend 30 minutes to eat lunch together) and have lived together for the better part of the entire relationship and it was ideal. We fell in love, rarely argued and had an acceptable sex life. I couldn't ask for anything better in my life. In my eyes we were the perfect couple, I had no doubts that this was the girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and the feeling was reciprocated from her too. 1.5 years ago we purchased our first house together, we disliked apartment living and wanted to start building equity for our future. Still, everything is blue skies and perfect... My mom gets sick, has to go into Hospice, and we both mutually decide it would be best to get married for her there while we still have her with us, and we do. Now we are legally married and are planning to have an official ceremony later in the coming year. Still, everything is great and I have no reason to believe anything is wrong. Here is when I get blindsided by a truck... She has a close work friend that has recently come out as Gay to her. I know this man as he works at our location too. She would go out pretty often with him, hanging out after work etc sometimes not coming home until 4am. I expressed my concerns that I would like it if she would come home at a reasonable time. (I can't go to sleep until I know she is safe so I would stay up waiting for her to get home). Reasons like, 'we lost track of time' or 'we were in a deep conversation' were primarily the response when I ask why she was out so late after work. One night we held a party at our house, she had a few drinks and was showing some signs of flirtation, not to me, but to this Gay friend... Flirtation that I was uncomfortable with.. After bringing it up she told me that since she was drunk she wasn't sure what she was doing. After thinking about how often they talk and hang out I start to get a little uneasy. I start asking questions to myself, trying to add it all up. We move on... A few weeks ago she told me she was going to a beach getaway with her girlfriends for a week and I told her to have a great time. A few days later her Gay friend also took off a week from work. I ask myself what were the odds that they were both taking the same days off for a week. I approach her and ask her about it... She told me it's just coincidence and that he's going to see family... I'm now very uneasy.. And red flags are starting to pop up in my mind everywhere. I never go through her phone, I respect her privacy but I couldn't this time... I needed to know what was going on.. So when she went into the shower I went through her text messages and what I read made me want to vomit.... I couldn't believe what I was reading.. There were messages back and forth that they love each other and how she would wait for our 'official planned' wedding to be over so that she doesn't waste the money already invested and to save me the embarrassment. And that after she would start putting into my head on how me and her are growing apart so that they can be together... I can't believe that someone would be able to do this... Just the day before we were at a flower's venue picking flowers for the wedding... She already bought the wedding dress... She is the driving force in planning this wedding! I then come to find out that she is not going to the beach... She is going to New York for a week with this guy, and that he is not gay... Things are really falling apart rapidly now.. She tells me she has been in love him for close to a year. She keeps saying that she 'didn't want to hurt me' and that she is sorry. I told her I'm committed to this relationship and to this marriage and will do what I can to make it work, counseling etc... But every conversation we have ends with her not willing to remove this friend from her life and work on this marriage. She says things like, maybe we moved to fast. I spoke realistically about divorce but she said maybe we should go on a break and postpone a divorce but she still wanted to go on this trip with him... After work she still comes home to cuddle with me but I am just sickened, how can someone want to show their love and affection but at the same time love someone else and not want to work to save what we have built.. Every attempt I try at saving this marriage fails, I get nothing out of her... She said maybe we should take a break and maybe when she is gone she will miss me so much that she wants to come back to me... I cannot play that game... I am so lost... She tells me that she is a horrible person and that she has been hurting about this for a long time. I know she loves me, but I don't want to be a 'friend' I want to be her 'husband'...
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 She really did a number on you. I can understand why you feel like you got hit by a truck. Sadly you have to get her out of your life, sooner rather than later. 4
Arieswoman Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 sr123, After I read this, But every conversation we have ends with her not willing to remove this friend from her life and work on this marriage I didn't need to read any further. She wants to have her cake and eat it, and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. Don't allow it. She's played you for a fool, so don't let her rub your nose in it as well. Please see a solicitor/attorney and get your ducks in a row. Then serve her with divorce papers fast. I'm very sorry this has happened to you. 2
No Limit Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Dude run. You seriously don't want to be her husband. Get a sugar baby and pay her to act as your wife all day long and you'll be safer than with this person. She's been screwing her 'gay' co-worker all the time and played you perfectly. Get away from her. 1
justaplottwist Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I'm so very sorry. But everyone is right. Go...leave...now. While it does feel like a "truck" at the moment...and rightly so....you are very lucky to have this happen at the beginning of a marriage before you get more entangled legally,financially, and anymore emotionally. This woman has shown you how she is and will be in the future. Period. This is her character plain and simple. You can't see it as blatantly as we reading can because your brain is still attached to her. Your emotions are still attached. That's emotions....not logical, smart thinking. This is someone you will never,ever,never....never ever.... have peace with in your life. And yes. When her things blow up on her end because she doesnt' have the character to be truthful and honest in a relationship, and either does the other guy, she will be back. DO....NOT.....take her back. NO....I repeat....no healthy, respectful, loving, caring person would EVER do what she did. And no....this wasn't a "momentary lack of judgement" this was ongoing, selfish, thoughtless behavior. If a friend had this happen to them....you would say the same thing to them. But when we are in it....we often say to ourselves "But they don't know" or "This is different" or "My love can overcome all of this". Bottom line.......You deserve better. And I'm sure everyone will say the same. Again...I'm sorry you are going through this horribleness. It will be a bumpy ride emotionally....but there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel. ALWAYS. 1
DKT3 Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 She is doing this because you allow it. You can't control what she does, but you can remove yourself from this toxic situation. Cut her off totally, no being friends, no hanging out. Send the message that you will now allow your wife to have a boyfriend. Doing so will force her to make a decision. She my not pick you, but in the long run you will be better off not having allowed this to go on for months or years. Right now she won't commit to you but she isn't willing to end it either. Take from people who has been there. Cut her off ASAP. 1
LoveMyCat Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 You are young, no kids (?) and need to get out of this marriage and run. You married for the wrong reasons. She wants him and you as the back-up. Just get out now. 1
Author sr123 Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 Thank you all, I agree with everyone here. I told her I'm not willing to be her friend after this, I'm not willing to suffer and wait. I'm at peace because she seems to be okay with continuing with this decision to be with him. I cannot and will not force her to make any decisions. And yes, we have no kids thankfully. And trying to keep this separation as peaceful as possible. We agreed it would be best for her not to sleep in our house anymore.
DKT3 Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Thank you all, I agree with everyone here. I told her I'm not willing to be her friend after this, I'm not willing to suffer and wait. I'm at peace because she seems to be okay with continuing with this decision to be with him. I cannot and will not force her to make any decisions. And yes, we have no kids thankfully. And trying to keep this separation as peaceful as possible. We agreed it would be best for her not to sleep in our house anymore. It would be best if you don't communicate with her anymore, period. No kids=no need to talk. Even doing that allows her to maintain a connection with you. Doing this isn't to force her to make a decision, its to start your life without her. The very common side effect of this is she will have to make a decision if she wants to jump on your ship as you move forward or watch you go because your not waiting around for her. You simply have to delete her from your plans, not force her to make a decision. Its hard, because you love her, but it gets easier everyday. 1
NoLeafClover Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 She is cheating on u and been bonning another dude and you are trying to save her? I am sorry and call me whatever name you want for saying this, but you can not make a hoe a housewife. I have heard of cheating ..the possibilities of getting drunk and making the wrong choices and not holding yourself back etc etc..but to actually plan ahead on going thru with a marriage while screwing someone else then plan to let you down easy as if it's your fault...wtf This is how some people are ..be a Man or woman. They will screw u over and squeeze every bone marrow of out your body until you don't want to live anymore. I URGE YOU TO NOT GO BACK.DO NOT GO THRU WITH THE WEDDING AND DIVORCE RIGHT AWAY. This is not a situation for a second chance. You can't give second chances to someone that is aiming the gun right at your and planning to press the trigger so that she can make it okay to screw another man. Your situation is so bad, you can't even make an excuse for her..you can't even use the usual excuses a cheater would use "she tripped, fell, landed on his ***k" She has it all figured out and you happen to just bust into the door. let me ask you this, what difference would it make if you walk in on her with this dude, or you simply found out she is going on a trip with him? No difference , they have already done it. This trip is just another plan to do it behind your back.. I hope you are catching my drift and I want nothing more for people to be happy and work on things but this the worst sh*t someone could do to someone. Lying, cheating, planning behind your back, taking you for granted, embarrassing you to coworkers (I'm sure someone from them knows if not all) , terrible terrible Terrible.. People like this go and do this again. They are compulsive liers and have mastered this by making you believe anything they want with their words. ...FUNNY WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU STILL WANT TO HAVE THE WEDDING BUT STILL WANT TO GO ON A TRIP?? This is what you see on the news. That's how people go missing. Don't be a victim. You my friend would be the biggest fool on LS to take someone like this back... If it was me, I would kick her out the house..f* out of here, no respect for cheaters who plan to suck the blood out of you...and tell her to not let the door hit her on the way out.
NoLeafClover Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Thank you all, I agree with everyone here. I told her I'm not willing to be her friend after this, I'm not willing to suffer and wait. I'm at peace because she seems to be okay with continuing with this decision to be with him. I cannot and will not force her to make any decisions. And yes, we have no kids thankfully. And trying to keep this separation as peaceful as possible. We agreed it would be best for her not to sleep in our house anymore. This is not her dexision. She has no decision. Are you stupid? You tell her it's over. She gets no say PERIOD.WAKE UP stop being a dormat
KBarletta Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Most of the time, I am an advocate for trying to work on saving relationships and not giving up. This is not one of those times. She didn't make a mistake and cheat on you once or twice. She and her partner created an elaborate lie to hide their intentions and this went on for a year. And these are just the lies that you know about. No doubt, there are others that you don't know about. You have no kids, so I would recommend going full no contact, filing for divorce and not looking back. 2
Chi townD Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) Dude, get a divorce. And cancel the "second wedding" that you're planning. If people ask why, just tell the truth! Tell them that you weren't a fan of your wife's boyfriend. Edited February 23, 2015 by Chi townD 1
sandylee1 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 OP I was in shock that you wanted to remain in this marriage. Be thankful you have no children with her and remove her from your life as ASAP. I can't believe how deceptive human beings can be. You sound like a good person, who would have no problem finding a faithful, honest wife. Put it down to experience and move on. 1
Justanaverageguy Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Hey SR123 .... feel for you bud. Your story is not dissimilar to mine almost a year ago. Read my first thread for some background. Secret marriage service similar to yours but for different reasons. Caught her cheating with a guy from work before the big public ceremony took place even though she fully intended to go through with it just like yours. I would strongly guess your wife was in the same age bracket as my now ex wife - late 20's or very early 30's. Am I right ??? Either way at this point all you can do is walk away. You cannot undo what she did and you cannot force someone to love you. She is in the affair fog now and not acting rationally. You cannot beg or force her to stay. If anything I would advise you to accelerate her leaving process. At the moment she thinks she has options .... you need to take them away. Then watch the wheel turn .... wait until you see what happens when you go no contact and move on. They don't know what they have got till its gone. I have some really good reading material that might help you understand what the hell went on and why your wife did what she did - PM me if your interested and will send it through.
lolablue17 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 She tells me that she is a horrible person I agree with her!
Radu Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 OP, what makes this different from most other situations that we see here is the premeditation she has shown in doing this. When you analyze it, she calculated this to a very clear degree. You cannot calculate something like this and have empathy for the person you are hurting ... so it's not that she doesn't love you. She looks at you as an accesory. She will return in your life when her affair stops being so glamorous, because at the end of things she is unbelievably self-involved and selfish. 2
SmartDude Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 You need to protect your life from ruin at this point. Pretend that you are kind of into the idea of reconciling, and that you are ok with giving her some freedom with this guy. Then when she is gone, you talk to a laywer on how to sever all legal ties with this woman as quickly as possible.
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