Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I keep meeting guys that seem interested, ask me out, and then never follow through with actually getting together. It has been a fairly consistent pattern in my dating history, I meet a guy, we talk a bit, he asks me to hang out, I agree, no follow through. The most recent being a guy I met at a bar. We hung out, danced, kissed, and had drinks. He asked for my number at the end of the night, texted me when he got home asking to hang out the following day which I found a bit forward but I agreed. I woke up the next morning nervous that I had agreed because I actually had a ridiculous amount of prior commitments so I wouldn't have been able to do anything with him. He texted me after lunch but never mentioned hanging out. His texts were dry so I stopped responding after 10 or so texts back and forth over the course of 8 hours. This keeps happening to me!! I literally meet people, they seem interested, but then never follow through. Why is this? I consider myself to be a pretty good catch and I feel like I know pretty early on when a guy has no intentions of taking me out so I don't waste a bunch of time keeping conversation going with very little effort on their end. I'm wondering why this happens. My friends go through this a bit too but it seems worse for me. It seems like so many guys are willing to hang out with me all night and text me for days, but then never actually ask me out. I must be doing something as I am the common denominator here. Not sure if its that I'm going out of my league, my social anxiety, my bad flirting skills, or any other number of things. I would like to figure it out though because I put myself out there, as with the most recent guy, and then I feel like I've been rejected which I would have rather avoided altogether. Another example of this happening recently was someone I had known for a long time had asked me on a date after hanging out downtown one night. I was hesitant because I know him and it was slightly weird, but I thought F it, why not so I agreed. He also never followed through.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 I'm also thinking maybe I appear too eager? Although I never had that issue with guys that wanted to pursue things further. I've asked my friends and family. No one has given me a straight answer. They are all too nice to say anything that might hurt my feelings even though I tell them it's important for me to know!
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Once high school ends, when a man asks you to "hang out sometime" or some similar phrase they are not serious & you can't take them seriously. It's a throw away statement. Nail down an exact date & time or it's not real. Also don't go if it's not specific. While it's basically drivel, read a book called The Rules.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 Thanks donnivan that is so true. I know vagueness is useless. The most recent guy said "maybe we can do something tomorrow" so although he did say a day the maybe implied a lack of seriousness. The guy before that set a specific day and time- Saturday night restaurant at 8pm. Once he set the date he stopped texting as much. He did not confirm the day prior so when the day came I knew he was blowing me off. He texted me and asked if I was ready. I said no I assumed something came up. He then said something had come up and could we reschedule for the next night. I told him I had plans and then he gave a vague response so I knew that was it. He continued to text me but I felt he was using me as an ego boost so I didn't respond. He let me know his work ran late at like 730pm so I call bs on that.
Versacehottie Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 you probably have a tendency to like the type of guys that need a bit more of a chase. While you can attract their attention, I would guess they sense an eagerness or being too available that makes them second guess how valuable you are. The phrase "hang out" clues me in that these are these type of guys. That's ok to like these types. You just have to make them work a little harder. Next time a guy asks you out for a "maybe" or the "following day", don't say yes. Say yes I'd love to go out but can't on such and such day and work for a day in the future. ESPECIALLY if you actually have a considerable amount of stuff to do for real. These are guys that appreciate a challenge to feel like you are a prize. So why deny them? Make them work for it a little. Also you should say a little bit of why you are so busy that you can't just jump. It gives them a chance to see you as someone with other sh*t going on! These guys tend to be really self-focused and often assume you're just dying to jumping into serious relationship. And if a guy says "maybe" again, playfully bounce it RIGHT BACK at him. Say I "may-be" available or something to effect of "you're not getting my sunday time slot for a maybe". Tease him. Let him know essentially that his half-ass request is not slipping by unnoticed and he needs to up his game and do better. Trust me, this stuff works on them. Good luck. 2
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 The guy before that set a specific day and time- Saturday night restaurant at 8pm. Once he set the date he stopped texting as much. He did not confirm the day prior so when the day came I knew he was blowing me off. He texted me and asked if I was ready. I said no I assumed something came up. He then said something had come up and could we reschedule for the next night. That one is on you. You need to be more proactive. A request for a Saturday night dinner date is the Brass Ring. When he didn't reach out to confirm, you should have. When you told him that you thought something came up & you weren't ready, he took that as rejection & backed off. Clear communication is a two way street.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 you probably have a tendency to like the type of guys that need a bit more of a chase. While you can attract their attention, I would guess they sense an eagerness or being too available that makes them second guess how valuable you are. The phrase "hang out" clues me in that these are these type of guys. That's ok to like these types. You just have to make them work a little harder. Next time a guy asks you out for a "maybe" or the "following day", don't say yes. Say yes I'd love to go out but can't on such and such day and work for a day in the future. ESPECIALLY if you actually have a considerable amount of stuff to do for real. These are guys that appreciate a challenge to feel like you are a prize. So why deny them? Make them work for it a little. Also you should say a little bit of why you are so busy that you can't just jump. It gives them a chance to see you as someone with other sh*t going on! These guys tend to be really self-focused and often assume you're just dying to jumping into serious relationship. And if a guy says "maybe" again, playfully bounce it RIGHT BACK at him. Say I "may-be" available or something to effect of "you're not getting my sunday time slot for a maybe". Tease him. Let him know essentially that his half-ass request is not slipping by unnoticed and he needs to up his game and do better. Trust me, this stuff works on them. Good luck. Amazing advice! Thank you so much, I definitely see your points and it definitely makes sense. 3
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 That one is on you. You need to be more proactive. A request for a Saturday night dinner date is the Brass Ring. When he didn't reach out to confirm, you should have. When you told him that you thought something came up & you weren't ready, he took that as rejection & backed off. Clear communication is a two way street. I'm not sure how it is on me? I sincerely was not ready because I had a strong feeling he was not going to follow through. It takes me a couple of hours to get ready for a date and I was not prepared because I had not heard from him in days. I think that he was going to bail on the date long before I said that I wasn't ready. I don't think he saw it as a rejection because it wasn't.
Arieswoman Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Bigcitydreamer, I had loads of interactions like this when I was single and dating, so don't take it personally. Forget all this "hanging out" stuff - what you want are proper dates and don't settle for anything less. If you get asked to "hang-out" say " I don't "hang out" but if you ask me on a real date I'll go" and then see what they do. I can recommend a book called "It's just a date" by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. Good luck !
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I'm not sure how it is on me? I sincerely was not ready because I had a strong feeling he was not going to follow through. It takes me a couple of hours to get ready for a date and I was not prepared because I had not heard from him in days. I think that he was going to bail on the date long before I said that I wasn't ready. I don't think he saw it as a rejection because it wasn't. It's on you because you didn't pick up the phone & call him the day before. If you had talked to him & he said yes, we're still on you would have been ready. You also need to shorten your date prep time. Hours? Really? Get it down to a few minutes: Have a go to outfit. Quick shower. Minimal make up. Natural hair. You're out the door.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 I shouldn't have said the words hang out. Those were just generic terms I used. Neither of these 2 examples asked me to hang out. I have very strong boundaries and I absolutely expect to be asked on an actual date. Anything less wouldn't be worth it to me. Trust me I am not one to look past vague behaviour. Almost to the point that I won't tolerate any crap like that. One friend tells me I expect a lot because these days guys are more casual. The thing is is that I've had relationships work out and there was no vagueness on their end whatsoever and casual has never led to results. It's another pattern I've noticed. Anyone else experience this and figure out why?
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 It's on you because you didn't pick up the phone & call him the day before. If you had talked to him & he said yes, we're still on you would have been ready. You also need to shorten your date prep time. Hours? Really? Get it down to a few minutes: Have a go to outfit. Quick shower. Minimal make up. Natural hair. You're out the door. You wouldn't have taken his change in texting habits and a lack of confirming the date as a sign of disinterest? Guys aren't stupid they know how dating works for the most part, he knew what to do to confirm the date and he knew what he was doing when he didn't initiate a convo for a full week prior to the date. I knew him for many years and see him a lot. We have similar friends. He couldn't just straight blow me off but his actions or lack there of showed me he didn't want to go on that dinner date.
mysteryscape Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Kissing and making out with someone you've just met, probably drinking -- a good way to seem overeager because maybe it is! A lot of guys especially if they've been drinking will be glad to do this, then feel really strange about it when they sober up, like "what am I getting myself into?"
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 Bigcitydreamer, I had loads of interactions like this when I was single and dating, so don't take it personally. Forget all this "hanging out" stuff - what you want are proper dates and don't settle for anything less. If you get asked to "hang-out" say " I don't "hang out" but if you ask me on a real date I'll go" and then see what they do. I can recommend a book called "It's just a date" by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. Good luck ! Thank you for the advice and recommendation. I love to read, self help included so I will look into the book.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 Kissing and making out with someone you've just met, probably drinking -- a good way to seem overeager because maybe it is! A lot of guys especially if they've been drinking will be glad to do this, then feel really strange about it when they sober up, like "what am I getting myself into?" Totally understand this.. 100%. Hence my embarassement the next day. I was drunk and made a dumb choice to allow that to happen. Now that you mention that I won't let that happen again! I felt strange when I sobered up about it because I'm not a teen and I don't know him. He was the one iniating the kissing though and it wasn't enough to throw me completely off of him.
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 You wouldn't have taken his change in texting habits and a lack of confirming the date as a sign of disinterest? Guys aren't stupid they know how dating works for the most part, he knew what to do to confirm the date and he knew what he was doing when he didn't initiate a convo for a full week prior to the date. . Not at all. I would have taken it as a sign he got what he wanted: a date. Not everybody confirms. Although it is something I need so since I wanted confirmation I would have gotten it. Men don't always feel the need to keep in touch. Just because we have the ability to be in touch 24/7 doesn't mean it's required. I also hate texting so I would have been happy that they slowed but that is just me. You wanted more communication then you were getting but you sat there passively -- seething & worrying -- but not taking the initiative to improve your situation.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 Not at all. I would have taken it as a sign he got what he wanted: a date. Not everybody confirms. Although it is something I need so since I wanted confirmation I would have gotten it. Men don't always feel the need to keep in touch. Just because we have the ability to be in touch 24/7 doesn't mean it's required. I also hate texting so I would have been happy that they slowed but that is just me. You wanted more communication then you were getting but you sat there passively -- seething & worrying -- but not taking the initiative to improve your situation. I'm not a big texter no do I think a lot of conversation has to be done between dates. Nor do I think it's necesaary to confirm every date especially if a time was set. But it was the marked change in his behaviour coupled with the lack of confirmation that made me suspect he was going to cancel. Your right about the worrying part. I did wonder all day if he was goin to follow through or not. I suppose I could have called him but I expect the answer would have been "I hVe to stay late can we reschedule".
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Your right about the worrying part. I did wonder all day if he was goin to follow through or not. I suppose I could have called him but I expect the answer would have been "I hVe to stay late can we reschedule". Yeah buy you would have had that info sooner. He didn't ask to reschedule until after you said you were not ready.
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