Really tricky situation, do I try to steal her back?

[romanticmoron]

While it's true she decided not to be with me, it's not because of who I was. It was because of temporary depression and other factors. NOBODY would have wanted to be with me while I was like that, so I don't blame her.

 

I really do get what you are saying but I feel this is a worthwhile risk. If I get shot down completely then I'll put it all behind me, I wont keep chasing and get bitter. But now that I've become the new me I feel like I need to at least see if things can still work.

 

The way I look at it is like I metaphorically became super overweight (became antisocial and didnt have a job etc) which was a deal breaker for her so she decided to go with choice #2 who wasn't as perfect but wasn't overweight. Now I've lost that weight (got job, worked out/gotten fit, new wardrobe, new friends and social life etc) and I need to see if she will come back. Had I been who I am now (just 2 months later) she'd have never broken up with me. I guarantee it.

[geronimo]

I know what you mean man, my ex and I were the same way. She was my best friend and honestly thats what hurts more about our breakup. We used to talk 24/7 no kidding, texting all the time and phone calls at the end of the day, and this kept going till the end of our relationship. We used to also see eachother quite a bit too, trust me man I know exactly how you feel. My ex is was exactly like yours, she can't stand most people and throughout our relationship she didn't have many friends just a couple here and there. I honestly never thought the day would come where I would lose her because I was her world for most of our relationship and I never took that for granted.

 

Things change, when she left, she also made a few friends and she told me they were just "time pass" cuz their personalities are alot different than my ex's now idk how long these friendships will last but who cares shes out of my life now and it doesn't make a difference. Even her new bf she jumped into that relationship right after me and this guy is alot different than I am and I also know hes bad news, but honestly theres nothing I can do because she chose to leave me and be with him. It hurts like a bitch to realize that someone you love so much and have such a great bond with just leaves you and jumps into someone else arms.

 

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm doing great, cuz im not its a struggle but you got to keep the mind set that you're better than her and you deserve better. You didn't leave her even tho she had her flaws, but she decided to leave you for yours. You will find someone thats more compatible and will love you through everything, I know my ex went through depression and a lot of other things and I was there for all of them for her. I deserve someone that wont leave me at my weak point and you deserve the same. I'm sure the right girls for us are out there bro, we will find them. And if our ex's are the ones for us then theres nothing you can do but wait and let time do its thing. For now move on with your life, be happy with you and make your own life better for yourself. Don't chase your ex, if she's meant to be in your life she'll catch up to you. Atleast thats the way I look at things.

[ZiggyZoo]

I love your post Tarot. I agree with you 100% and this is exactly how I feel. I was definitely an idiot for the way I took her for granted. However I did really get my **** together immediately once my eyes were opened to how ridiculous I was being. I think we both screwed up. I took her for granted and she failed to communicate that it was happening and it was an issue. We went from 100% okay to broken up all in a few days time.

 

I will definitely keep it casual and not discuss the previous relationship or beg or plead or anything like that if we do meet up. I did plenty of that when she first dumped me and I learned how stupid and counter productive it is.

 

Here's where you're really off the mark. You two didn't go from 100% OK to broken up in a few days, at least not on her end. A very common disconnect I see on here is when people have their ex break up with them and immediately hook up with someone else, which leaves the dumpee absolutely shocked that they could move on so fast. But the simple truth is this: she has already moved on, started moving on before your break-up was official, and there's not likely much you can do at this point to win her back. There were problems present in your relationship that she just kept from you, and this is why you aren't likely to get back together with her. If she wanted to try to fix the relationship, she would have when you two were together. The fact that she chose instead to flirt with this other guy should tell you all you need to know about what she thinks of the two of you together. I'll bet she's already got her mind looking towards the future, which may or may not include this new guy, but surely doesn't include you.

 

I am sorry to be so harsh, but if you're really in love with someone, you don't care if they're depressed, don't have a job, etc. None of that matters, although making steps to correct these problems is a great start. You just need to get into the mindset that you're doing it for YOU, not for her. She's gone, moved on. But you still have to live with you, and why not focus on treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated? You'll see it all over the place here, but it bears repeating: NC is for healing from a broken heart and gaining perspective on which is the best path for you in the immediacy of a new break-up. It's not about the other person at all, and will not work to get them back. You can't decide what's best for you if you're focused on the other person. She's already focused on what she thinks is best for her, she doesn't need you giving your perspective on it too.

 

I would stay NC, don't text her with trivial notes about a TV show or anything. You said she hasn't contacted you for months, right? Well, I think the best thing here is to honor her wishes to remain in NC and let it go for now. You said you already tried the begging and pleading right at first. I can tell you from my own experience, this was the deal-breaker for me, and when MY ex popped up a few months later, I was sick to death of him. She knows how you feel. If she wants to see you before she leaves, she knows how to find you.

[romanticmoron]

You are definitely right. I guess I sort of misspoke. We definitely were not 100% okay in her mind (otherwise she'd not have been willing to just end it so suddenly and completely). What i meant was we were still really compatible as two people, there was just a lack of sexual attraction. We still got along very well and she still fluctuated multiple times about whether we should stay together. She was still seriously discussing and trying to find a way for us to get our own place during the week of limbo.

 

This seemed to crop up when we first started seeing each other too. Her feeling fluctuated like crazy for a while. One day she'd be crazy about me and the next she'd be more cold and distant (she even admitted this and laughed about it then). The same thing seemed to happen during the breakup week.

 

What Im afraid might have happened is she called it all off when her feelings were fluctuated to coldness and she might have jumped the gun a bit. (A few days before she was giving completely opposite signals. Like as if we were even better off than we were before). It sucks because a part of me knows you guys are right, but the other part of me realizes there are so many unknowns and chaotic factors that I really might have a chance and I'll ALWAYS regret it if I don't at least see where it goes.

[Ruby65]

She lost attraction for you as her feelings for you were changing gradually, over a long period of time.

 

She seemed to fluctuate because, like many dumpers, she was afraid and trying to convince herself (and you) that her feelings weren't changing -- so she'd act even more affectionate at times to compensate. This is common.

 

What was a sudden breakup to you.... was a long time coming for her.

 

She had likely disconnected emotionally and already put out feelers for your replacement before getting up the nerve to end things with you.

 

This is why the person who ends the relationship seems to move on so quickly, while we who have been left are shocked and reeling for months.... because they've already had time to detach and get used to the breakup before they even ended things.

[romanticmoron]

Do you think its impossible for attraction to ever come back though? Even if the person improves themselves to the point where they are even better and more attractive than they were when the attraction first began? I could definitely see myself losing attraction for a girl, even this one, due to some reason (like gaining weight or drug addiction etc) and then getting it back if they showed true, dedicated change.

[Ruby65]

Losing feelings isn't a logical process.

 

If she lost feelings because you put on weight (just for example), those feelings are gone. Simply losing the weight again doesn't bring back the feelings. This is an emotional, not a logical, process.

 

Her feelings for you likely changed a long time ago. She sees you differently now.

 

PLUS, she now has feelings for someone else!

[romanticmoron]

I definitely get what you are saying, but you are making it seem like reconciliation is impossible and never happens. It does seem to happen quite frequently though in long term relationships, whether its weeks months or years.

[Ruby65]

It's EXTREMELY rare for relationships that begin in high school to last -- even just through college. This is because of how young you were when you got together and how much growth and change happens between then and through your 20's.

 

Reconciliations DO happen on occasion.... but if you look at the stories, they happen when the DUMPER decides to reconcile and reaches out to the one they've broken up with -- not the other way around.

 

When someone who's been broken up with decides to "fight for" the person who's broken up with them -- especially so soon after the breakup -- it doesn't work. It just doesn't.

 

Right now, your only job is to work on accepting the breakup. You don't have to AGREE with it. But you do have to RESPECT it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I definitely get what you are saying, but you are making it seem like reconciliation is impossible and never happens. It does seem to happen quite frequently though in long term relationships, whether its weeks months or years.

 

No, it doesn't happen frequently. When it does happen, it's due to two things a) both people having moved on from the first relationship, therefore their feelings are reset and a second, more improved relationship can begin with a fresh start or b) the dumper realizes than they miss the dumpee and move mountains to try to get the person they dumped back.

 

What you want to do almost never works. First of all, she's with someone else, therefore it's much more likely you are going to annoy the crap out of her by not respecting that and actually push her closer to the other guy. Also, you haven't recovered and your "changes" are more of a sudden, short-term reaction to loss at this point than a longer-term, permanent behavioral change. I would almost guarantee that if you did get her back right now, you'd both slide back into your old roles, the old problems would come back, and she'd leave you again. Time is necessary for both of you to reset and for whatever changes the two of you make to be legit.

 

Also, the fact that you are creating a window that you have to get her back in is problematic. It reeks desperation and neediness, which are two of the worst things to reek of in a reconciliation quest. Any physical changes you might have made will be canceled out by the fearful, desperate vibe you'd give off.

 

I'm sorry man, it sucks, but you'd be much better off making sure your changes register over the long-term, recovering, and letting life take its course.