Really tricky situation, do I try to steal her back?

[romanticmoron]

The story: Started dating towards the end of high school. Absolutely crazy about each other and got along incredibly well. We also both were very weird people (both outcasts for different reasons) and we made up for each others shortcomings amazingly well. Seriously, we fit together like perfect puzzle pieces, and that never changed for the 4 years we were together. No arguments, no stupid drama. Just love and companionship and millions of happy memories.

 

Over time though, I found my way into a kind of depression and became way too dependent on her. Basically I stopped hanging out with any friends, and we only really spent time with each other. When I wasn't at school or spending time with her I would just sit around and waste time playing video games or watching movies. I was depressed and afraid to leave my comfort zone.

 

However, throughout this we still never fought and remained as close as two people can be. For real, the lack of fights and the way we saw eye to eye was unparalleled with any relationship I've ever seen. Our personalities were a perfect match, for the entire 4 years we were together. I just became boring recluse with no ambition.

 

Understandably this caused her to lose her sexual attraction to me at the end of last year (something she didnt communicate with me until it was too late), and we went through a week period of limbo before she cut it off and told me she had decided she was moving to the next state over for university by the end of the year. During this limbo she sent a ton of mixed signals. She told me to "chain her up and never let her leave next time she tries" and we could have had sex if I allowed it on at least one occasion. A few days later though she told me she "didnt want anything else" besides friendship, and a few days after THAT she was in a relationship with a new guy from her current school. This is where it gets weird though. HE was currently moving to go to that university she was applying to as well.

 

So now she is in a relationship with this random guy who lives in a different state while she finishes up her community college this year, and we haven't spoken in over a month. In the meantime I've hit the gym hard as hell, got a job, gotten back in to my old social circle etc. Basically I pulled myself out of the depression I was in (despite this new depression of getting my heart ripped out by the only girl my heart cares about).

 

How should I try to steal her back from this bozo before she moves away and my chance is gone forever? I truly think she is making a huge mistake. How do I contact her to get her to see all these changes Ive made and potentially win her back? I dont care at all about "stealing" her from her new boyfriend, because he did the same thing to me. I have proof he was flirting with her in the weeks before the breakup.

 

My plan right now is to wait another month or so and then try to initiate contact casually until we can meet in person and perhaps re spark the attraction. I know its a long shot but I know for a fact me and this girl are right for each other and I have to at least try. Also the changes I have made really are significant. Ive turned my life around insanely quickly and now live a fulfilling healthy life, it's just missing her.

 

I know many are going to say to just let it go and I'm only going to cause myself pain, but I know this is what I want more than anything so any amount of potential pain is worth even the smallest chance. And I know the real me, the non-depressed me that she was in love with for so many years can make her happier than any other guy can.

 

Any advice or has anyone gone through something similar? What makes this situation weird is that she is moving. If it wasn't for that Id just go no contact for as long as it takes for her to contact me. But that isn't an option if shes eventually going to be thousands of miles away.

Edited February 22, 2015 by romanticmoron

[mightycpa]

HE was currently moving to go to that university she was applying to as well.

 

Being there sure does count for a lot. He's way ahead of you, even if you do worm your way back in temporarily.

 

That IS quite the coincidence, isn't it? I mean, what are the chances that the other guy is going there too?

[Darrk23]

Sorry for your pain man. It seems like you got your drive once she was gone man. I don't think you should try to get her back but you should try to find yourself before doing anything else.

[Tarot777]

Give it a try, if you're looking great and doing well I think there might be shot.

If my ex went to the gym, changed a lot of things and showed up looking all sexy and cool, I'd go for it and I'm not even in love with him anymore.

As for my situation mine wouldn't do anything like that so I'm not interested.

Just be prepared that she might not go for it, might be worth a shot though.

Just be cool and sexy and fun, don't be needy and chase after her, just let her see what she's missing.

And if she rejects you, you sound like you're doing great and some other girl is gonna snatch you up, I know you don't want any other girl, but if she is your past, then keep your eye on the future.

And don't do that again, the taking her for granted, playing video games all day and ****, expecting her to stick around. Its boring and no girl wants that.

Good luck!

Edited February 22, 2015 by Tarot777

[romanticmoron]

Yeah it's definitely suspicious at best. However she does have family in that state, and has visited/stayed with them a few times over the years. So it's not completely ridiculous for her to go there.

 

Also, I think I might have been unclear in the way I described the situation but she is currently still living here in this state. She has at least one or two semesters left at her current school before she would be able to move. Currently they are long distance I guess. So I have at least some time before she's gone forever.

[mightycpa]

What I heard that she's at A, he's at B, and they're going to hook up at C.

 

Sounds like a plan.

[romanticmoron]

I love your post Tarot. I agree with you 100% and this is exactly how I feel. I was definitely an idiot for the way I took her for granted. However I did really get my **** together immediately once my eyes were opened to how ridiculous I was being. I think we both screwed up. I took her for granted and she failed to communicate that it was happening and it was an issue. We went from 100% okay to broken up all in a few days time.

 

I will definitely keep it casual and not discuss the previous relationship or beg or plead or anything like that if we do meet up. I did plenty of that when she first dumped me and I learned how stupid and counter productive it is.

[romanticmoron]

Thanks Darrk. Yeah I just needed a push to get my **** together I guess, but by then it was too late. And the logical part of my brain agrees with you, I should just get over her for being so unloyal and jumping ship so fast. But all the other parts of me think there's no way in hell I'll find a girl as compatible as she was with me for a looong time, if ever. Our relationship really was unbelievably fantastic for so long, it's like a fairy tale.

[quattrob]

TC, it's great you got yourself back on track and better etc.. but unfortunately she isn't that same girl that fit so well with you anymore.. she has changed since she started meeting this other guy that she's with.

 

She isn't the exact same girl you used to be with anymore, she won't be that perfect puzzle for you. She grew out of that because you disappointed her and it took you way too long to realize it to do something about.

 

I'm not saying she's not selfish or that her actions were good but my point is she has changed. Her heart has changed and her mind has changed. She's not the same girl you knew.

[Darrk23]

Thanks Darrk. Yeah I just needed a push to get my **** together I guess, but by then it was too late. And the logical part of my brain agrees with you, I should just get over her for being so unloyal and jumping ship so fast. But all the other parts of me think there's no way in hell I'll find a girl as compatible as she was with me for a looong time, if ever. Our relationship really was unbelievably fantastic for so long, it's like a fairy tale.

 

I understand you. I feel like that about my ex. The good times make you want them again and it makes wish and hope for one more chance to be with her. I will say this. If you really want to try to win her back with the new you then go for but please keep in mind there is a 50/50 chance and be ready for more heartbreak if she turns you down. Best of luck.

[romanticmoron]

I agree. I would even say its less than 50/50, but I still have to try. Rejection will hurt regardless, but I think its worth it. The one thing Im stuck on is how to go about re initiating contact.

 

Its hard thinking of what to say to someone who you spent every single day with for 4 years and then had them suddenly ripped from your life. I was thinking about just texting her saying something about a show we used to watch together and how Im watching the new season and it made me think about her and want to know how she was doing etc. It sounds dumb but a simple "hey whats up" would just feel even weirder.

[Darrk23]

I agree. I would even say its less than 50/50, but I still have to try. Rejection will hurt regardless, but I think its worth it. The one thing Im stuck on is how to go about re initiating contact.

 

Its hard thinking of what to say to someone who you spent every single day with for 4 years and then had them suddenly ripped from your life. I was thinking about just texting her saying something about a show we used to watch together and how Im watching the new season and it made me think about her and want to know how she was doing etc. It sounds dumb but a simple "hey whats up" would just feel even weirder.

 

Nothing will ever feel like the right thing to say. Sometimes a simple Hi is enough.

[Tarot777]

Don't say it made you think of her!

Be cool!

You don't have to say " hey whats up"

Mention the show, but maybe say something like " ohhh have you been watching the new season of such and such?!?!" don't be sappy or anything at all.

[romanticmoron]

I guess the real problem is figuring out what kind of message she'll actually respond to. She hasn't contacted me at all since the breakup and is probably trying to spare my feeling as much as possible with NC. Oh well, I'll just see how it plays out I guess. Thanks for the input man

[romanticmoron]

Do you really think a response that casual will work Tarot? I mean the last contact we had was some pretty heavy stuff. Wouldn't it be weird to go from super emotional discussion to, months later, a random casual question about a show?

[Tarot777]

Well I don't know her, but my break up was super bad, heavy and hurtful, I would be fine with a " have you seen the new season of the killing?!"

But I have to admit I'm really easy to get along with and don't stay mad or upset for long.

You know her best, but I wouldn't suggest anything heavy.

Maybe start a thread asking people what the best way to approach her would be, then you'll get lots of different ideas from different people, might be worth a shot

[romanticmoron]

That's a really good idea actually. Thanks for all the help, I really do appreciate it!

[Tarot777]

Anytime, we're all in this misery together;)

Good luck out there!

[Simon Phoenix]

If you're asking for strategies, then you're already dead in the water. You need to keep with your changes and keep evolving and one of three things will happen: a) she'll seek you out b) you'll be recovered and talk to her naturally or c) you'll be recovered and have no desire to seek her out because you have no interest. What you want to do now sucks because you aren't recovered, haven't learned a thing and any changes you've "made" are knee-jerk, temporary and don't mean a thing.

[Tarot777]

I think it's normal to be unsure about how to approach someone in this situation

[romanticmoron]

I would agree with you if there wasn't the element of her moving involved. I have a limited window. Without that aspect, I would just hold NC because that would be the best chance of getting her back.

 

However i'm forced to use options that are less likely to work but at least aren't impossible. I agree I haven't moved on and it would normally be too early after only a month more or so. But there's a chance!

[Ruby65]

It doesn't sound like this new guy is some random guy. It sounds like he's her boyfriend now.

 

She lost feelings for you a while ago and now has feelings for someone else. It's a hard truth, but this happens in life. Someday it could even happen to you. She kept you in limbo as a backup while establishing things with him -- which wasn't very nice of her. Now they have a plan in place to be together in the future.

 

For you to approach her would only weaken your position and make you even less attractive in her eyes. Stick with No Contact so you can HEAL, so you can move on.... not to try and manipulate someone into wanting to be with you.

 

It's a hard truth, but most relationships that begin in high school DON'T last forever. It's very unlikely this girl is your permanent life partner. You'll both be growing and changing so much in the coming few years... and that's as it should be.

 

If you walk away, accept the breakup and put the focus on yourself.... you stand a chance that someday farther down the road she might reconsider and look you up. If you really were meant to be, that could happen. But if you continue to pursue someone who's all goo-goo over another guy, you'll only succeed in pushing her farther away -- not to mention delay your own healing!

 

You see it as only having a window of a month before she moves.... but you need to look at the Big Picture. You have the rest of your lives to cross paths again. Let this go. See what comes your way -- either this girl or someone even more perfect for you (yeah, they're out there).

[geronimo]

I don't have much great advice, but I can tell you I'm in the same boat as you. GF and I met in highschool, started dating in the final year. Had a great relationship no fights, troubles etc. Relationship lasted 5 years, just broke up last Nov. I thought the same thing that I need to win her back or whatever. She started dating another guy that she had lined up before we broke up. My situation was a bit different from yours because she blamed it on our religion being different as to the reason for breaking up but I think she may have also lost her sexual desire for me as I started gaining a lot of weight in the past couple years. I dont really blame her for that because I guess if she let herself go I would lose my attraction to her also. My fault but nothing I can do but work on it now. Anyways, everyone told me to forget her, do you, improve you and if its meant to be she'll come back herself, keep to NC. I have been using that advice and stuck to NC, it has been 3 months and she is still with the new guy. I'm not gonna lie I do regret not doing anything about it in the beginning of the breakup because then I would have had the satisfaction of "atleast i tried" but maybe its for the best.

 

So my advice to you is, take some time to yourself and think about this situation logically. Remember man girls are wired differently than us guys. And I found out the hard way but they get really cold really fast, especially if they're the ones who initiated the breakup. She already has another guy in the picture and no matter how much you try she might not be willing to give up the "new and exciting" thing before trying it out and seeing where it goes. Its human nature. By you chasing her she will have in the back of her mind that you're always going to be there for her no matter what and it might push her away to be with this guy until it fails and come back to you after. I'm sure you don't want that.

 

You are the best judge of the situation, and you know your ex better than anyone else, you dated for 4 years. I decided to stay in NC with mine because I know she's young and she didn't really have any other experiences (we were eachothers first). So I know that now she found something new and exciting she won't be willing to give that up without pursuing it to the fullest, no matter what I do or say. Just think about it logically and know the pitfalls. If after that, you still want to do it then go ahead, it may work out you never know because I think the thought of you never trying and thinking that if you tried it would have worked is worse than rejection.

 

Only 2 outcomes can come from this, 1 - she rejects you and you are now forced to forget her and move on. 2 - she takes you back (just keep in mind tho that this can lead to problems in the future, cuz idk about you but to me, if someone left me they broke that trust and I would never be 100% comfortable in the relationship again, and if she spoke to any guy after it would drive me bat**** crazy lol).

 

Goodluck man.

Edited February 22, 2015 by geronimo

[romanticmoron]

I agree, its a definite risk and has a low probability of actually working out but I feel like I have to try. I mean we were pretty unique in the sense that we rarely interacted with anyone but each other. Like WAY more than most people, and probably way more than is healthy but it worked for us and didn't drive us apart.

 

So at the very least we were the best of friends two people can be. I feel like it wont push her away too much if I just keep it casual and platonic at first and then put on the charm once we are in person. I know she's at the very least missing our friendship, she couldn't even stand the vast majority of people, but with me it was different.

 

Also the fear of hurting myself and getting set back in the grieving process is somewhat scary but not nearly as scary as letting her get away without trying. I'd try even if I knew there was only a 1% chance of it working and it would set me back to square one if I failed.

 

That is really rough to have religion be a deciding factor in breaking up though. I cant even imagine how frustrated I would be with something like that. At least it sounds like you are well on your way to recovering though, I wish I could be that strong. Part of the reason I'm willing to try this is because I dont feel like Ive made any major improvement yet in terms of getting over her. If anything, I'm getting more sad every day instead of happier.

Edited February 22, 2015 by romanticmoron

[Toodaloo]

RM.

 

It is EXTREEMLY rare that we all stay with our love from school/ college.

 

This girl has set up your replacement in the wings. She doesn't want to be with you.

 

Hate to say it but its time for you to grow a pair. Accept this is over and move on before you become un-dateable because your twisted and bitter from chasing a woman who doesn't want you.

 

Do yourself a favour and chase a woman who does want you instead. Your young. Its not the end of the world. It will hurt for a bit but if you pull yourself together and go out with your mates and look after yourself. Cut off contact let her go and live her life and get busy living yours it will all fade to a distant memory.