Girlfriend and her guy friends

February 22, 2015

So my girlfriend went back home from college for the weekend. We were talking just about all day how we already miss each other and what not. She says she is watching a movie with her family around 11pm. Then around 1AM she texts me asking if I would mind if she went to her guy friends' house to join he and his friend while watching a movie.

I told her I do not mind, but I think it is unfair how she would get mad at me if I did the same thing. Because I have hung out with one of my girl friends (I had previously hooked up with her) and she got pretty mad at me for that. I have heard that the guy's house she has been to she has hooked up with him, but she promised me she didn't.

So we got into a bit of a debate on whether it was right for her to go or not. She says she has been friends with them all through High School, so I knew it'd be wrong for me to say she could not hang out with guy friends. That'd just be controlling.

The problem I have is that she would flip out if I had asked her if I could go hang with some girl friends at 1AM, but then she goes ahead and does it. It was so late at night! We had a little bit of an argument today as well because I am still sort of shocked that she did it. She tells me she did not sleep over, though.

What do you all think about this? Thanks.

February 22, 2015

So you're complaining about a hypothetical double standard, which may or may not exist. Truthfully, I wouldn't worry about it unless you get a similar request and want to go watch a movie at this girl's house. If she gets pissed, then chat through it...there's no reason to get annoyed about a hypothetical situation.

February 22, 2015

So you're complaining about a hypothetical double standard, which may or may not exist. Truthfully, I wouldn't worry about it unless you get a similar request and want to go watch a movie at this girl's house. If she gets pissed, then chat through it...there's no reason to get annoyed about a hypothetical situation.

It wasn't very hypothetical. She's been mad when I went to a girl friend's house, then expects me to be okay when she does it... even though it was at 1am.

But I understand your point. We about argued ourselves out for the day, I think she fell asleep. We'll see what happens tomorrow

February 22, 2015

Hmmm.... well, you were with a girl one-on-one which could look like a date, that's bad.

She's with a group... 2 guys. That said, they are at a house and she could conceivably slip off with one guy to another room at some point. Yeah, now that I think about it, I don't like what she's doing either, lol!

Here's the thing... college is a wild time... college kids get real close to each other, party together, even sleep together - sometimes they have sex, sometimes they just sleep.

Another problem.... women's brains don't fully develop until they are 26-27 years old... so there is a higher chance at that age group of them not falling in love deeply, and not being loyal.

I wish I had a more concrete answer for you, but there is grey area here. I would not take a young college girl that seriously, or at least no more seriously than she takes you... and keep in mind, most guys will over estimate the woman's love level. I think you just need to chill out here, there's just not a clear crime, or clear love, that's just the way it is. beating her up emotionally over this, will just tend to push her away from you, if anything. And look at the bright side... at least she is being not only honest, but open about it, she's telling you everything - she gets bonus points for that.

February 22, 2015

Hmmm.... well, you were with a girl one-on-one which could look like a date, that's bad.

She's with a group... 2 guys. That said, they are at a house and she could conceivably slip off with one guy to another room at some point. Yeah, now that I think about it, I don't like what she's doing either, lol!

Here's the thing... college is a wild time... college kids get real close to each other, party together, even sleep together - sometimes they have sex, sometimes they just sleep.

Another problem.... women's brains don't fully develop until they are 26-27 years old... so there is a higher chance at that age group of them not falling in love deeply, and not being loyal.

I wish I had a more concrete answer for you, but there is grey area here. I would not take a young college girl that seriously, or at least no more seriously than she takes you... and keep in mind, most guys will over estimate the woman's love level. I think you just need to chill out here, there's just not a clear crime, or clear love, that's just the way it is. beating her up emotionally over this, will just tend to push her away from you, if anything. And look at the bright side... at least she is being not only honest, but open about it, she's telling you everything - she gets bonus points for that.

Thanks a lot man. Best advice I have been given in a while. I tried to be cool about it but something about going to a guys house (even though it wasn't 1 on 1) that late at night struck me as very odd. And I knew if the situation was flipped, she would not be having it at all! But I'll try to keep it cool. Once she gets back in town, I think we'll have a talk face to face.

Thanks again

February 22, 2015

I'm glad you understand what I'm saying, and I think you are doing the right thing. Furthermore, I can understand your jealousy, you love this girl... I know this stuff is easy for me to say, but hard to do.

A couple more things I just thought of:

1) She's probably friends with at least one of the guys - that means he's probably freindzoned - only one in one-hundred of those ever get out of the freindszone into something romantic. This is good news for you.

2) One of the main reasons she might go along with this, is specifically because it's a group date - with another person there, it's less likely one would try anything with her. So, she probably feels more comfortable.

Keep in mind also - that while one or both of those guys might fantasize about being with her (they probably do!)... there is a huge chasm between their fantasy and what she wants to do... in short, nothing is going to happen unless she wants it to. Women with integrity who love you are naturally monogamous (although I'll admit this might not be 100% in her case because she is young).

Edited February 22, 2015 by Gary S

February 22, 2015

I'm glad you understand what I'm saying, and I think you are doing the right thing. Furthermore, I can understand your jealousy, you love this girl... I know this stuff is easy for me to say, but hard to do.

A couple more things I just thought of:

1) She's probably friends with at least one of the guys - that means he's probably freindzoned - only one in one-hundred of those ever get out of the freindszone into something romantic. This is good news for you.

2) One of the main reasons she might go along with this, is specifically because it's a group date - with another person there, it's less likely one would try anything with her. So, she probably feels more comfortable.

Keep in mind also - that while one or both of those guys might fantasize about being with her (they probably do!)... there is a huge chasm between their fantasy and what she wants to do... in short, nothing is going to happen unless she wants it to. Women with integrity who love you are naturally monogamous (although this might not be 100% in her case because she is young).

Yeah, perhaps I overreacted. She said her parents knew she was going over there, so if it sat well with them (they know we are dating), then I guess it should sit well with me.

While we were arguing, she did mention how they were JUST her friends and always will be. I did hear a rumor about her hooking up with one of them, which made this situation all the worse.

I know it was probably none of my business, but I asked for screenshots of their conversation, and it did seem to check out. I am just still kind of puzzled on why they came up with the idea of hanging out so late, instead of just waiting until the next day or something. She said what difference would it matter if it were 1AM or 1PM. Ahhhh!

I think it'll be better when we can actually discuss this face to face.

February 22, 2015

I had 3 guy friends who I spent every Sunday with for years (BBQs in the summer, dinner at my house in the winter). I was also seeing some guy for a while, I didn't want him around, and I invited him over for a Sunday dinner with me and my Boyz. He dumped me the next day. Bros before hos, double standard. I for one wouldn't have batted an eye if I was invited over to be with him and three women friends. But I'm a flexible person. As long as you trust that nothing went on, or you with her, I think everything will be right on. But I'm far too easy going for my own good I think.

February 22, 2015

Obviously she went and willingly complicated your relationship. It doesn't look like the rs has a high priority in her life. I'm not saying she's banging one or both of them. But she sure appreciates the early morning attention...

February 22, 2015

Honestly I think college kids shouldn't bother being in serious relationships...for reasons like this. Too much drama. It should be OBVIOUS that hanging out w/ people you used to "hook up" with is not appropriate, why is this even a question.... it should be OBVIOUS that going to a guys house at 1AM is inappropriate...

February 22, 2015

1am, at a guy friends house. If it were a party with a bunch of people, I could understand. But 1 am at some guys house witth just him and his buddy? To watch a movie?

I'm looking for women where that isn't an issue because she just flat out wouldn't do that. For the women coming up with stories about how free and liberal they are and nothing would happen, good for you. Find someone else. I don't need your BS or headache. I will find women that don't think like that.

Go read the cheating section OP. "He's just a friend" ****s the girls all the time.

February 22, 2015

What Gary S wrote seems very reasonable, but there is a sour taste in what you wrote, I feel.

Your girl somehow seems to me as if she is blatantly provoking you, to make you jealous. There are girls like that, they enjoy being adored by many men and they love to make their SO jealous by purposefully doing things they know would provoke jealous behaviour in their partner.

I really wish for you that this is not the case.

Anyhow, nobody has mentioned this yet, but I find it alarming that it's two guys and not just one guy, I know from younger college mates of mine that threesomes are routine these days...

February 22, 2015

Honestly I think college kids shouldn't bother being in serious relationships...for reasons like this. Too much drama. It should be OBVIOUS that hanging out w/ people you used to "hook up" with is not appropriate, why is this even a question.... it should be OBVIOUS that going to a guys house at 1AM is inappropriate...

Exactly, exactly, EXACTLY.

I'm on team "you just don't hang out with men by yourself when you're in a relationship" (and vice versa).....besides that, there's a ton more wrong with the original scenario. 1am? Nothing good happens at 1am.

We've seen time and time again that a HUGE portion of the younger generation see nothing wrong with this phenomenon. It's just not right. Trust is irrelevant, perception is everything.

February 22, 2015

If she's been friends since high school, she probably thinks of him like her brother. You KNOW how hard it is to get out of the friendzone once a guy has been around so long. She says she hasn't hooked up with him, so you have to believe her unless she's shown a pattern of lying and deception. Try to remember women are not nearly as prone, overall, to just hookup because it's convenient as guys are in the same circumstance.

February 22, 2015

If she's been friends since high school, she probably thinks of him like her brother. You KNOW how hard it is to get out of the friendzone once a guy has been around so long. She says she hasn't hooked up with him, so you have to believe her unless she's shown a pattern of lying and deception. Try to remember women are not nearly as prone, overall, to just hookup because it's convenient as guys are in the same circumstance.

Go read the cheating section. Usually, that's who they cheat with.

February 22, 2015

Well, she hasn't contacted me all day so I am going to assume the worst.

February 22, 2015

Jealousy ruins relationships. What I've learned over the years is to let it go, don't even look into it. Be happy with yourself and your relationship. If they choose to break your trust, then get away. The RIGHT person won't do it, and it truly won't matter if they have friends of the opposite sex.

February 22, 2015

Jealousy ruins relationships. What I've learned over the years is to let it go, don't even look into it. Be happy with yourself and your relationship. If they choose to break your trust, then get away. The RIGHT person won't do it, and it truly won't matter if they have friends of the opposite sex.

Would you really call it jealousy, though? I don't think going to a guy's house that late is considered normal behavior for a girl in a relationship. I don't care if she goes to bars, clubs, or frat parties, I just say have a good time and be safe.

February 22, 2015

She just called me. On the phone now, she's acting 100% normal. Talking about regular day ****. I'm so confused

EDIT: So we talked and she noticed something was wrong. Then we brought it up and she was saying how she didn't understand the difference between going over there at 1AM and staying until 3AM compared to if she had gone over at 10PM and stayed late. She was saying if her parents were fine with it she doesn't think anything bad could happen.

Then she kept saying how they were just her friends and I stated how people do their friends all the time, and started naming some of the friends she has done. I asked her to be honest if she hooked up with the kid that she hung out with before and she is adamant that she has not. I may ask some mutual friends if she has or not and if I find she lied, I will drop her.

She thinks it's dumb to argue over this and I kinda feel bad because there have been other times where I was suspicious and it ended up being that she was honest. So I may just end up deciding to trust her on this.

Edited February 22, 2015 by RyanBeynolds

February 22, 2015

She just called me. On the phone now, she's acting 100% normal. Talking about regular day ****. I'm so confused

EDIT: So we talked and she noticed something was wrong. Then we brought it up and she was saying how she didn't understand the difference between going over there at 1AM and staying until 3AM compared to if she had gone over at 10PM and stayed late. She was saying if her parents were fine with it she doesn't think anything bad could happen.

Then she kept saying how they were just her friends and I stated how people do their friends all the time, and started naming some of the friends she has done. I asked her to be honest if she hooked up with the kid that she hung out with before and she is adamant that she has not. I may ask some mutual friends if she has or not and if I find she lied, I will drop her.

She thinks it's dumb to argue over this and I kinda feel bad because there have been other times where I was suspicious and it ended up being that she was honest. So I may just end up deciding to trust her on this.

Stop arguing with her...by doing so, you are sending her the message that you don't trust her.

I give her kudos for asking you first if it was okay to go! If it was gonna bother you so much that now you are arguing with her about it...you should have just told her flat no, that you don't think it's appropriate.

But you didn't ... cause you didn't want to come off as controlling. But by questioning her and arguing with her about it now, that is precisely how you are upcoming off! As controlling.

Again I think the fact she asked you beforehand speaks volumes. If she had any intention of sleeping with him, she probably would have just gone over there and not mentioned it.

Which next time she may very well do...so as to avoid all the crap you're giving her now about it.

Chill out and trust het !! Until she gives you reason not to. This situation isn't it.

February 22, 2015

She just called me. On the phone now, she's acting 100% normal. Talking about regular day ****. I'm so confused

EDIT: So we talked and she noticed something was wrong. Then we brought it up and she was saying how she didn't understand the difference between going over there at 1AM and staying until 3AM compared to if she had gone over at 10PM and stayed late. She was saying if her parents were fine with it she doesn't think anything bad could happen.

Then she kept saying how they were just her friends and I stated how people do their friends all the time, and started naming some of the friends she has done. I asked her to be honest if she hooked up with the kid that she hung out with before and she is adamant that she has not. I may ask some mutual friends if she has or not and if I find she lied, I will drop her.

She thinks it's dumb to argue over this and I kinda feel bad because there have been other times where I was suspicious and it ended up being that she was honest. So I may just end up deciding to trust her on this.

You need to fully face that this insecurity is your problem and deal with it or you will truly ruin every relationship you get in. I know it's not easy, but you have to be rational about it and not let your own anxiety and fear overtake reason and guide your actions.

February 22, 2015

Stop arguing with her...by doing so, you are sending her the message that you don't trust her.

I give her kudos for asking you first if it was okay to go! If it was gonna bother you so much that now you are arguing with her about it...you should have just told her flat no, that you don't think it's appropriate.

But you didn't ... cause you didn't want to come off as controlling. But by questioning her and arguing with her about it now, that is precisely how you are upcoming off! As controlling.

Again I think the fact she asked you beforehand speaks volumes. If she had any intention of sleeping with him, she probably would have just gone over there and not mentioned it.

Which next time she may very well do...so as to avoid all the crap you're giving her now about it.

Chill out and trust het !! Until she gives you reason not to. This situation isn't it.

Thank you very much

There have been things in the past that have made me not trust her, so she was kind of building it back up again. And then this happened, so it kind of was a shock to me.

I think I am getting over it now. Thanks again, that was good advice

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