Starting NC and actually sticking to it...

[neildc]

Hey all,

 

Well I am coming from an unusual perspective I guess. I actually broke it off with my girlfriend of 5 years, but about 4 months in realized what a mistake it was. I made an emotional, rash decision to leave because of we weren't seeing each other as often. Stupid, I know. Either way, I realized my decision was wrong and went to her to reconcile, ask for forgiveness, etc.

 

We stayed in contact regularly through the break which was the worst thing for me. Looking back, I wish she had cut contact because I would have been asking for her back within the week. She told me that she wanted nothing more than to get back together, but after a few months...she gave up waiting. Of course, my attempts to reconcile seem to be too late. I thought we were still 'together' since we were talking all the time, and even met a few times. Ridiculous, I know. It was after one of these meetings I realized how much I missed her and wanted to man up and take care of her and commit. I ran because I didn't think I was ready to settle down. I was wrong. She was worth it.

 

Either way, I made all the classic mistakes after she said she didn't see us getting back together - I emailed multiple times, tried pleading, the works...it was pathetic, I know. I even sent her a letter. I broke her heart and didn't realize the pain she was in (and we were still talking). She's now shut me out and will not respond to me (going on 3 weeks now). For the first week, I was a mess. It hurt so much, I felt as if I had been dumped. I've finally been able to think things through and just settle down in general, but not hearing from her still hurts 3 weeks in.

 

I feel as if I made the biggest mistake of my life letting someone who was madly in love with me go.

 

I may have driven her away by now (it sounds like she was already done though before I went to her to reconcile though). I don't think NC will actually help me in terms of getting her back. I know I should do it for myself to repair and heal. I have emailed her roughly 10 times in the month after we had that falling out where she said she doesn't want to talk or see me anymore. The longest I have went without contacting her is probably a week. Pathetic I know, but again...this is someone I have been in contact with daily for the past 5 years. Even after we broke up. It's just rough is all.

 

I know I don't deserve sympathy, I know. I just feel crushed. I never really stopped loving her and left her for such a trivial reason. I should have married her and moved her out (I saw this eventually, just in the future). This woman was madly in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I screwed all that up because I was selfish. Instead of complaining, I should have come up with a solution. I've gone a grand total of two measly days without contacting her. Sad, I know.

 

I don't know if I have a formal question more than just wanting to hear everyone's comments about my story and NC in general. I enjoy personal interactions rather than the generic articles anyone can read online. Thanks for reading.

 

Neil

[Ruby65]

Well, no offense, but I agree it sounds like you blew it pretty badly.

 

Unless she changes her mind and reaches out to you, there's nothing you can really do other than take this as a learning experience.

 

I think you're on the right path now by sticking to the No Contact. It really is incredibly difficult to do, but the good news is that it does get easier with time. Not to diminish the depth of your feelings for your ex, but you will find it easier to move on without contact.

 

Best of luck to you. There's a great No Contact Guide posted here on the forum. I also like this online recovery guide: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com. Both are very helpful in making it through the early days of NC.

[neildc]

Well, no offense, but I agree it sounds like you blew it pretty badly.

 

Unless she changes her mind and reaches out to you, there's nothing you can really do other than take this as a learning experience.

 

I think you're on the right path now by sticking to the No Contact. It really is incredibly difficult to do, but the good news is that it does get easier with time. Not to diminish the depth of your feelings for your ex, but you will find it easier to move on without contact.

 

Best of luck to you. There's a great No Contact Guide posted here on the forum. I also like this online recovery guide: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com. Both are very helpful in making it through the early days of NC.

 

None taken, I totally understand the mistakes I've made and just want to learn from them and never repeat them again. It's just disappointing that I won't be able to show my ex that, but that's life. Thanks for your response.

[privategal]

There may not be hope but if there is, she wont feel a loss of you nor a chance to miss you until your gone. Really gone. No fb, no texts, calls run ins.

Just like you realized in 4 months it was a mistake, she may as well.

She wont forget you if you disappear.

Right now just heal, change, get in shape, get a new routine or new job....get you back and if its meant to be it will be.

Let go and see what happens was the advice given to me, and its helped me to just go it alone for now. Try to smile and think you did your best, you showed you wanted her back...now its up to her but you can be happy still. Keep positive and let time do its thing. Disappear right now. Chin up.

[neildc]

There may not be hope but if there is, she wont feel a loss of you nor a chance to miss you until your gone. Really gone. No fb, no texts, calls run ins.

Just like you realized in 4 months it was a mistake, she may as well.

She wont forget you if you disappear.

Right now just heal, change, get in shape, get a new routine or new job....get you back and if its meant to be it will be.

Let go and see what happens was the advice given to me, and its helped me to just go it alone for now. Try to smile and think you did your best, you showed you wanted her back...now its up to her but you can be happy still. Keep positive and let time do its thing. Disappear right now. Chin up.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I was worried she would forget me if I went away (as she asked, etc) but you're right. I am trying to let go now and just move on because I am accomplishing nothing by having her consume my thoughts. I do take some solace in the fact that I made every effort imaginable (and then some) to let her know it was a mistake and that I wanted her back. At least regardless of what happens, I can live with myself knowing I tried to make things right again. Thanks again.

[privategal]

Thank you for your kind words. I was worried she would forget me if I went away (as she asked, etc) but you're right. I am trying to let go now and just move on because I am accomplishing nothing by having her consume my thoughts. I do take some solace in the fact that I made every effort imaginable (and then some) to let her know it was a mistake and that I wanted her back. At least regardless of what happens, I can live with myself knowing I tried to make things right again. Thanks again.

 

Right and at some point she will probably regret not trying, not fighting but you can always hold your head high knowing you showed you were willing to work and fight for love. That was brave. I've never forgotten anyone I loved.

And I've been moving on from a similiar situation moreso with the loss of a friendship but I can say everything I have read says its normal to grieve and at first be consumed every minute with someone you truly cared for. Let the pain and or tears, anger consume you fully so you can get through it, no such thing as around it.

Ive cried so hard Ive almost gotten physically ill many times but now a short time later...9 days of NC and Im feeling better every moment.

Im learning to go forward even with the pain.

Gotta be patient its a process but focusing on my work, my husband, people who care for me is good. At first I withdrew from everyone to heal, now Im getting out there in the world and smiling a little more all the time.

I tried too and I feel proud of that. If my friend ever misses me hes gonna have to feel the pain of walking away from a loyal and loving person and live with regret he did nothing.

In the end I will be better. And that's a good feeling.

[neildc]

Right and at some point she will probably regret not trying, not fighting but you can always hold your head high knowing you showed you were willing to work and fight for love. That was brave. I've never forgotten anyone I loved.

And I've been moving on from a similiar situation moreso with the loss of a friendship but I can say everything I have read says its normal to grieve and at first be consumed every minute with someone you truly cared for. Let the pain and or tears, anger consume you fully so you can get through it, no such thing as around it.

Ive cried so hard Ive almost gotten physically ill many times but now a short time later...9 days of NC and Im feeling better every moment.

Im learning to go forward even with the pain.

Gotta be patient its a process but focusing on my work, my husband, people who care for me is good. At first I withdrew from everyone to heal, now Im getting out there in the world and smiling a little more all the time.

I tried too and I feel proud of that. If my friend ever misses me hes gonna have to feel the pain of walking away from a loyal and loving person and live with regret he did nothing.

In the end I will be better. And that's a good feeling.

 

I love your perspective on things and glad to hear that you are also beginning to heal after going NC. I was the same way, I shut myself off to almost everyone for about two full weeks. I wrote some of the most pathetic, sappy emails you could dream of to my ex. I must have had another dozen in draft status.

 

Just like you, I hope that one day she misses me and regrets not trying to fight for love but I cannot let that be my sole focus anymore. I need to live my life and enjoy doing things that make me happy again. She was a huge part of that happiness and I'd be lying if I said that could be replaced easily. It won't. I guess I'm more upset that she can be totally over us after 4 months, but it is what it is. Granted, I did break up with her...so I understand she has every right to be upset and never want to hear from me again.

 

I walked away from a loyal and loving person because of a mistake, but I'm happy that I admitted fault and did try to work things out (even if it was futile). I hope things continue to get better for you, and I look forward to actually making it 9 days of NC. In the meantime, as you said...time to work on ourselves and focus on what we do have rather than what we don't.

[privategal]

I love your perspective on things and glad to hear that you are also beginning to heal after going NC. I was the same way, I shut myself off to almost everyone for about two full weeks. I wrote some of the most pathetic, sappy emails you could dream of to my ex. I must have had another dozen in draft status.

 

Just like you, I hope that one day she misses me and regrets not trying to fight for love but I cannot let that be my sole focus anymore. I need to live my life and enjoy doing things that make me happy again. She was a huge part of that happiness and I'd be lying if I said that could be replaced easily. It won't. I guess I'm more upset that she can be totally over us after 4 months, but it is what it is. Granted, I did break up with her...so I understand she has every right to be upset and never want to hear from me again.

 

I walked away from a loyal and loving person because of a mistake, but I'm happy that I admitted fault and did try to work things out (even if it was futile). I hope things continue to get better for you, and I look forward to actually making it 9 days of NC. In the meantime, as you said...time to work on ourselves and focus on what we do have rather than what we don't.

 

I too did the series of emails from all angles, sap, anger, pleading, swearing him off forever.

I can only laugh now, its ok to be a little unpredictable when your in a crisis.

I am now trying to think I did my best and he knew my heart and she knew yours

In the end the person who tried is the more noble as we wore our hearts on our sleeves and if they can walk away so easily they no longer deserve to be even a friend.

Im being my own friend. Its not easy but theres bright spots and I have hope I can heal and live a full life and some times pain makes you stronger.

I read alot of positive quotes every day on Facebook and goigle positive things about moving on and finding peace and healing. I dont want to be sad forever so Im making the effort and when I have a bad day I cry...then keep going.

Wish u the best too. You can do this and stop blaming your self!