SolG Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I recently entered the world of online dating sites. On one of the sites I joined, they give you a personality profile questionnaire to take, and once you've taken it, you can look at others' profiles to see your compatibility rating and how your answers compare. One of the statements is along the lines of 'If a relationship is right, it won't take work'. I answered in the negative, as I believe that the 'right' relationships are the ones worth the most investment. And my reading here and in other places bears that out; it's the relationships where the partners don't work on things that are the ones destined to fail. Spectacularly! Yet to my surprise, I am yet to find even one person on this dating site whose response matches my own! They all indicate that if a relationship is right that it WILL NOT need to be worked on. I must admit I am quite perplexed by this :-/ Am I wrong? What are your thoughts?
Woggle Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 A great relationship is sort of like a great job. Technically you are working at it but it won't feel like work. 15
MissBee Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I recently entered the world of online dating sites. On one of the sites I joined, they give you a personality profile questionnaire to take, and once you've taken it, you can look at others' profiles to see your compatibility rating and how your answers compare. One of the statements is along the lines of 'If a relationship is right, it won't take work'. I answered in the negative, as I believe that the 'right' relationships are the ones worth the most investment. And my reading here and in other places bears that out; it's the relationships where the partners don't work on things that are the ones destined to fail. Spectacularly! Yet to my surprise, I am yet to find even one person on this dating site whose response matches my own! They all indicate that if a relationship is right that it WILL NOT need to be worked on. I must admit I am quite perplexed by this :-/ Am I wrong? What are your thoughts? I would think those people are incredibly naive to believe that frankly or maybe they don't understand the question. I think it's possible that they may be interpreting it as drama or the whole love hurts scenario so are saying no it shouldn't be like that, which I agree with, but that's not what the question means though. So I'll perhaps give them that possibility. I think good relationships don't include constant drama, fighting and where basically it seems to be more of an uphill battle of always having to go above and beyond to make it work. If that is the case I think you're either not a match or need to grow up. But normal, good relationships aren't self-propelling either. They won't include epic levels of drama and constant contortion but still require communication and nurturing as it's like a garden, as cliched as that is, where you may have good land, good soil, good plants, great sunshine but you still need to water and weed and tend to it to make sure it stays well and when problems arise (which they inevitably will in life) you are alert and can address them quickly before they become huge. 5
Els Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Different types of 'work', IMO. I definitely agree that all long term relationships take some sort of 'work' to maintain, and frankly anyone who thinks they're all rainbows and unicorns 100% of the time has probably never been in one. But if you're in the right sort of relationship, it's a productive, rather enjoyable kind of 'work' - like picking up a new skill that you enjoy, or a hobby like gardening or cooking. Sure it takes effort and time, and maybe you aren't particularly thrilled about pulling out the weeds that have grown in your garden, but you actually feel good about it in general. The wrong sort of relationship takes the kind of 'work' that is more akin to a job you really hate but stay in because you're afraid of not being able to pay the bills if you quit. (Edit: Wow, I actually posted this before I read MissBee's gardening analogy. Great minds...? ) 4
TouchedByViolet Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 A great relationship is sort of like a great job. Technically you are working at it but it won't feel like work. This. Short and sweet. If it regularly feels like work then you are doing something wrong.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Am I wrong? What are your thoughts? A great relationship takes more work, just as a high level of fitness or a good physique does. And in common with both, the results are worth - and reflective of - the effort. There are no naturally great relationships, those that exist are nurtured by the commitment and hard work of both partners... Mr. Lucky 2
salparadise Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Yet to my surprise, I am yet to find even one person on this dating site whose response matches my own! Am I wrong? What are your thoughts? No, you're not wrong. Like others said, when enthusiasm is the predominant feeling it, it doesn't feel like work. Those questions on OKC are not well written for the most part. They often contain inherent bias just by the way they're phrased. My biggest peeve are the ones that require a nuanced answer and only give yes|no as options. Some of them are tricky and used in the personality graph–– the one that asks, are women are obligated to keep their legs shaved being the most notorious. It's not about legs or shaving at all; it's about the word "obligated" and whether or not a man will assign it to a gender biased, personal preference scenario (overstepping rights and boundaries). One of my favorites is, "Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?" predictably limited to yes|no options. Most people answer no but the truth is, jealousy is a normal, healthy emotion. It's obsessive, uncontrolled jealousy that is unhealthy. Use the explanation to show that you see through the blatant attempt to box you in. 2
bathtub-row Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 If a relationship is healthy, it should not be that much work. When it's bad, you'll feel like all you do is work and try to keep things together. So, no, I do not believe that a relationship should be a lot of work. If it is, I don't want anything to do with it.
TrevorDia Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I've been in my fair share of relationships - and I'd say they all took roughly the same amount of work. I went through similar problems (for the most part) in each relationship, and the only time it became a problem was when we stopped working together and starting working against each other - if that makes sense. If you're both working towards a common goal, it doesn't feel like work at all, the relationship works and everything is fine. It's when we no longer worked together that the problem overcame the relationship. I'd say work is 90% of a relationship - but it depends on what you're working on. If you're working together with your partner to make the relationship work, then (as said above) it won't feel like work at all. But when you have to work to make your partner accept the relationship the way you want it, you're both working against each other, and that's when relationships fail... Well, that's when mine started to fail anyway.
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 No - if it's right it won't take much!!
central Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 My relationship is as nearly perfect as one can get, and there is relatively little work. The more compatible you are, the less effort is needed - except in unusual circumstances. If a lot of work is needed, that means you are less compatible and have more issues and differences that must be handled, negotiated, or settled in some way. That means more compromise, and less of each person's needs being met consistently.
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 In the beginning, everything is easy. As RL comes into play, work is involved. There's scheduling for one. You can only stare into the other person's eyes & get lost in each other for so long before you have to go to work, do laundry, grocery shop etc. As they deepen you have to learn to bite your tongue because you hate their favorite shirt, when they tell the same corny joke for the 100th time or drive too fast/slow for your tastes & leave the cap off the tooth paste or hang the toilet paper the wrong way. You still have to carve out time for each other too. Instead of being all about yourself you have to give of yourself for your partner's benefit. A few years ago as I was running myself ragged taking care of my parents at the end of their lives my poor husband worked his tail off to keep out household on tract & provide me with some emotional stability. It was anything but easy. To me, the fact that these other people on the site think relationships just happen without effort is actually in your favor, you can easily weed out these fair weather partners. 4
dichotomy Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Our church - as part of our premarital counseling - gave me and my wife a 200 question (maybe 300) compatibility test. When we met with the counselor he said our two tests showed the highest compatibility he had seen. Yet My marriage has been nothing but work - painful work.
SJS Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 No - if it's right it won't take much!! The problem I see with this is though, when there is a rough spot, people are afraid of work and back out. Anything worth keeping will take some kind of work now and then. 5
darkbloom Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I think every relationship is work, romantic or not. It is fulfilling work though if you do it right. Every friendship or romantic partnership is not perfect. You see more failed relationship than you ever do successful ones and that is because people are afraid of the extra effort that is required to make things work. You get out what you put into it. 1
bachdude Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Well, I think it takes a lot of work, mainly working on one's self. Letting go of ego is the hard work it takes to make a relationship work. Not sure how people think this isn't tough work. Maybe my ego is more stubborn!
StanMusial Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Well it's not digging ditches but yeah it takes cooperation and sacrifice at times which is not always easy or pleasant. 4
No Limit Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 And this is reason #1 why I stay away from relationships. Nobody - especially not in my age group - takes even 10 minutes to sit down and ask him or herself, what is a real relationship like? What does it take for it to work, and what is my part in it? It's not just people in the internet believing that when they stumble upon the right person everything's fine and dandy, the "real people" out there believe the same.
Got it Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Call it work, call it nurturing, but all things need attention if you want them to sustain and grow. 7
Bfef Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Our church - as part of our premarital counseling - gave me and my wife a 200 question (maybe 300) compatibility test. When we met with the counselor he said our two tests showed the highest compatibility he had seen. Yet My marriage has been nothing but work - painful work. Your quote sounds like the beginning of the movie "Blade Runner" where the hero is asking question after question to find out if the candidate is a real person or a replicant It's a shame you are having trouble though
JohnAdams Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Relationships do take work to remain successful. But it is like having a job you enjoy, you look forward to going to work:) 1
BlueIris Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Call it work, call it nurturing, but all things need attention if you want them to sustain and grow. "Attention" is a good word for it. Attention to our partner and to ourselves.
Frank2thepoint Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 They all indicate that if a relationship is right that it WILL NOT need to be worked on. anyone who thinks they're all rainbows and unicorns 100% of the time has probably never been in one Unfortunately, there are people that have been spoiled by their environment, their upbringing, and their experiences. They are convinced a good relationship doesn't require work, because they probably never or rarely even put in the work, while their significant other did overtime. Those people feel they are entitled to being catered too. So they have a skewed view of relationships.
Shepp Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Nothing comes in life without work. But I wake up buzzing to get to my work job wise and I think that should be strived for in your personal and professional life. Friendships require work to build and maintain, but if you 'click' you shouldn't even notice. If a friendship felt like work we'd probably pick a different frined. Relationships are the same. They all require work but theres maintainace and then there's trying to force something that just doesn't fit. Its like all shoes need to be worn in but if they're killing you in after the first day you probably don't pick them out your cupboard.. ideally you want them to feel great from the start and just get better with the wearing in "work" you put into them
BetrayedH Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I recently entered the world of online dating sites. On one of the sites I joined, they give you a personality profile questionnaire to take, and once you've taken it, you can look at others' profiles to see your compatibility rating and how your answers compare. One of the statements is along the lines of 'If a relationship is right, it won't take work'. I answered in the negative, as I believe that the 'right' relationships are the ones worth the most investment. And my reading here and in other places bears that out; it's the relationships where the partners don't work on things that are the ones destined to fail. Spectacularly! Yet to my surprise, I am yet to find even one person on this dating site whose response matches my own! They all indicate that if a relationship is right that it WILL NOT need to be worked on. I must admit I am quite perplexed by this :-/ Am I wrong? What are your thoughts? Unfortunately, I think it's too much of a vague question. Like you, I would tend to say that they DO take work. That said, I'm thinking marital relationships. In long-term relationships, limerance will fade and then the real work of compromising and negotiations begin, hopefully founded on a more mature love (which I think is more akin to a deep, mutual respect and admiration for one another than the rush of hormones involved in a newer relationship). Whereas, casual dating relationships should probably take little work at all. It's like an interview and if it doesn't go smoothly, then maybe you don't keep investing. I certainly do think that too many people expect it to be easy and it's common for that to last for 2-3 years. But I think the real test of a relationship has to do with when it gets difficult. At that point, do people just cut and run? Do they avoid conflict and cheat? Or do they step up to the plate and learn how to really bond with a "partner" in life? The fact that it is a partnership speaks volumes to me about expecting a need for compromise and negotiation. But it's not wise for us to project that expectation on others. Your little study of responses to that question on OLD says that we should be prepared for people to expect the sunshine and rainbows to last. I remember reading once about a large group of couples that had been assembled that had been married for multiple decades. These were very long term marriages (which most people would label as a success). When asked, ALL of them said that there was a period in their marriage when they weren't in love their spouse. Notably, someone in the group responded, "Hell, there were years where we didn't even like each other" and the group collectively laughed in agreement. Clearly, the people that make it long-term in marriages have different expectations than many of those in today's dating scene. 1
Recommended Posts