In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take (Updated)

February 22, 2015

And my response is that no matter how much "encouragement" people will try to give me, I will not put myself out there for the sake of "looooove" and "communication" cuz it's all a joke.

People are just so not worth it now a days if you ask me. I like my dogs cuz they got my back. People will never have your back. I like my vehicle, cuz it tells me it's got my back. Again, people will never have your back.

I believe this not just cuz I came from a dysfunctional home, but I see it every day. I have gfs who's husbands spend, cheat, etc. I listen to the stories on the radio and stuff. I go on OLD and just bleh at the "available" singles out there. I look at my neighbors and I say "no thanks, I rather be alone".

And, all I want is simple stuff in a mate. A guy with his own stuff, job, fit, no drugs/weed, no drama. But, now a days things are so messed up guys think they should just have a penis and a pulse and you should get on your knees and thank God for them.

Guys are also so weak now a days. I was listening to an old podcast where this guy was talking how his wife is the one who wants to do projects around the house and he just wants to read stuff online.

Thanks women's movement for turning guys into girls who want us to pay half/all their bills!!!

Gloria, I share some of your cynicism about men and relationships, like the fact that men can be weak and can't be depended on. There's definitely men out there like that. I know, because I've dated them. I dated those men when I let my own self-doubt lead my decisions about dating. Not anymore. Self-doubt baggage has been checked on to a one-way flight outta my life, so I don't have to deal with it anymore.

Yet, I firmly believe that good men still exist, who will want to be with me and who will have my back and be a source of support to me. I won't meet him online, because I refuse to use that dating platform anymore. I've tried it. It didn't work for me. So, back to Mother Nature's way: my social networks. And if that doesn't work, I'll be ok.

I married a man nearly half my age. We were work friends, then after a few years of widowhood and celibacy I decided to have a "fling" with him. Now we have 3.5 yrs of a pretty happy marriage behind us.

Will I lose my looks while he hits his prime ? It's pretty much guaranteed. Will he leave because of that or maybe just some totally unrelated reason like so many same age couples do ? Who friggen knows ! I buried a 24 yr old husband and 19 yr old daughter, youth is no guarantee of anything.

I'm planning on living my life, building my business, loving the man beside me who as of today loves me madly and if he splits guess what ?

I'll mourn and then I'll get the hell over it and find another dude who thinks I'm the cats pajama's. Get busy living or get busy dying I always say !

Good post writergal !

You have an awesome story Melody! Very inspiring! I totally agree with you that youth doesn't guarantee anything where men's commitment is concerned. Youth doesn't guarantee anything period.

And I wholeheartedly agree with you about focusing on just living your life and being happy, because time is short. We've only got one life. Why waste it on the wrong person? Why waste it worrying about the future? Just live in the now and if your path crosses someone else that leads to a significant romantic relationship -- enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

My grandparents met in high school when they were both 16. My grandfather was terrible at math (now I know where my weak math genes come from!) and his math teacher assigned my grandmother to tutor him. Ha! Well, they got married two years later, had two sons (my dad and my uncle), survived the Great Depression, 3 bankruptcies, saw relatives go off to fight in WWII, one son fight in the Vietnam War and survive (not my dad), lose both sons to cancer, and yet through it all, stayed together loyal and in love with each other.

Sure, I'm 44 and will never have a life-long love that way. BUT that doesn't mean my chances to meet a man are over with just because I'm middle aged. I remain steadfast that I will meet someone when our paths are meant to cross each other. But in the meantime, I sure as hell am not going to sit idly by and wait for him. I'm going to keep living my life and try to make the best of it.

And, my point is, why disturb my life to have someone come in then leave? Especially if it's a situation I "know" will end (i.e. the age gap you appear to have in your RL)?

That's why I prefer FWB, casual stuff. That way I don't invest much and won't be surprised when it ends.

Not gonna put a ring on my finger, commingle finances, shack-up, etc. all cuz I just want a "feeling" for a couple of days, months, years.

There's your cynicism again Gloria. Everything ends. Jobs, friendships, marriages. Nothing in this life is permanent -- except for a McDonald's cheeseburger. When the human race is extinct and aliens land on a barren earth, the only thing left behind by the human race will be all the fast food we created.

But if you prefer FWB situations then good for you. You know what you want and you're not willing to settle for second best. You are following your own heart in that respect so kudos to you my friend.

I agree with this, but to a point. I will never get married again or co-mingle finances. For me, marriage is "BTDT", and I don't like the idea of the state getting involved in my personal life.

And my xWW tried to get her hands on as much of my money as she possibly could, so I guard my money very jealously. Nobody will have access to my accounts except me.

But I have no problem with living with a significant other. My girlfriend and I recently talked about moving in together. It's not going to happen anytime soon (which I'm more than okay with), but it's something that we both realize is on the horizon if things keep going well.

I very much like the idea of sharing my life with someone I love, cheating and money-grubbing ex wife aside. The key is to wait for someone you are truly compatible with before taking those steps, and to not rush into them.

Sorry to hear you had to deal with a cheating and money-grubbing ex wife, toolforgrowth. At least you remain open minded to meeting more women to date and be involved with. I think no matter how well we plan out what we want to happen, when we meet someone truly compatible, there's always going to be challenges to overcome to make the relationship really work and last. Don't you think? I think a lot of the times, we rely too much on pride, reason, and logic and not enough on the love we feel for someone, to guide us along. That's what inspired me to create my thread.

February 22, 2015

Yet, I firmly believe that good men still exist, who will want to be with me and who will have my back and be a source of support to me. I won't meet him online, because I refuse to use that dating platform anymore. I've tried it. It didn't work for me. So, back to Mother Nature's way: my social networks. And if that doesn't work, I'll be ok.

I do agree with you in getting off OLD. Hopefully through people you know, church, hobbies, volunteering/meet-ups, you can get a person that has been vetted by you and/or people you respect/trust in real life.

My grandparents met in high school when they were both 16. My grandfather was terrible at math (now I know where my weak math genes come from!) and his math teacher assigned my grandmother to tutor him. Ha! Well, they got married two years later, had two sons (my dad and my uncle), survived the Great Depression, 3 bankruptcies, saw relatives go off to fight in WWII, one son fight in the Vietnam War and survive (not my dad), lose both sons to cancer, and yet through it all, stayed together loyal and in love with each other.

And, that's my point about people now a days. Back in the day, I guess cuz of life expectancy and lack of options, there was more incentive for people to marry early and stick it out - but still, they were raised with better values and what they needed to know to be married. I just don't see that now a days. Women don't care to cook, clean and/or tend to kids and guys don't seem to be looking for a woman with domestic qualities. They want a "partner/roommate" to share half of their bills, chores, and boink now and then.

I don't want a roommate. I want a lover. I want someone who appreciates a womanly woman who can cook. I don't want a weak guy who expects me to pay half/all of his bills. I also want a guy who is sturdy in himself. Who won't break up on me on a whim.

Sure, I'm 44 and will never have a life-long love that way. BUT that doesn't mean my chances to meet a man are over with just because I'm middle aged. I remain steadfast that I will meet someone when our paths are meant to cross each other. But in the meantime, I sure as hell am not going to sit idly by and wait for him. I'm going to keep living my life and try to make the best of it.

I don't think age is the issue. But yes, at our age most guys have lots of baggage (i.e. divorce, kids, bad experiences) so, it kinda makes it harder. But I haven't gotten the way I am cuz my age - it's cuz of what's out there in the dating world.

Sorry to hear you had to deal with a cheating and money-grubbing ex wife, toolforgrowth. At least you remain open minded to meeting more women to date and be involved with. I think no matter how well we plan out what we want to happen, when we meet someone truly compatible, there's always going to be challenges to overcome to make the relationship really work and last. Don't you think? I think a lot of the times, we rely too much on pride, reason, and logic and not enough on the love we feel for someone, to guide us along. That's what inspired me to create my thread.

On top of my responses in bold above ^^...yes, relationships take work and stuff and life is sweeter when you have someone to share it with, but like I said, there's not enough quality of guys out there for me to sacrifice my home, money, and certain amount of time to be with. Just see me now and then and go back to your home, then I'll see you again sometime next week. Thanks,

February 22, 2015

I've done some very scary things in my life because I didn't want to be the person who walked away.

All of them turned out to be great experiences.

Fortune favours the bold.

+1 Satu! That's awesome that you took those risks because you didn't want to be the person who walked away. See?! Following the heart DOES work in our favor.

I see fear as a weakness. So those who dress it up however they like, how "sophisticated" they are, how "knowing" etc, the more excuses why they don't want it, the more you can see they are just afraid of it. And fear is weakness. So I see them as weak.

You can tell the people who are just content with whatever situation they have in their lives, it just shines through. I guess it reminds me of the line, "doth lady protestest too much".

I believe, as long as there is a silver lining, a lesson learned, there are no bad experiences. And I have had to search sometimes for that lesson! lol. We learn from our mistakes not from our victories so I am fine when I "fail", it just shows me the way and tests my resolve. It develops me.

Me too Got it. I see fear as a weakness too. Fear is the most common excuse for why people don't take more risks where love and dating is concerned. The only way to conquer fear is to just do that thing you're afraid of anyway. Like, when I was offered a teaching job in China I had some hesitation about traveling that far away from my family and friends. But, I decided to go big or go home and did it anyway.

It was probably the best year of my 20s, hands down, with only one regret (not going after a young man who had stolen my heart a few months before my teaching year abroad opportunity was offered to me. He lived abroad while I was abroad and we were literally separated by an ocean and a 2 hour plane ride. Neither of us took a risk to see each other during my year abroad teaching.

That is one lost love I will always regret. Always. Because I let self-doubt and fear dictate my decision not to fly over to see him when it would have been inexpensive and convenient for me. Never again will I let self-doubt or fear dictate my actions where love and dating is concerned. That is the lesson I have taken away from that major loss.)

Weakness or wisdom?

Going on 40 w/o paying for some guy's bills and/or supporting kids that aren't mine. I'll take wisdom over perceived weakness any day.

I think a weak person is one that cannot stand on their own and gets into bad situations and/or just "couples up" in the fear of being alone.

In battle, sometimes you have to retreat to regroup and come back for round two.

Ah, don't confuse the two, Gloria my friend. Weakness and wisdom are not the same. It's wise not to become some man's mother who pays his bills and takes care of his kids when he's not in a committed relationship with you. But it also takes wisdom to know that not all single fathers are dead beats either. I know a few single fathers who are genuinely good guys with great jobs, nice home, pay their own bills and raise their children with good values. Not all single fathers are losers.

And yes, as Pat Benatar sang, "Love is a battlefield." When you do go into battle (the dating world), you have to ask the person who shows interest, "do I stand in your way/or am I the best thing you've had" because you need to communicate your feelings. You NEED to be honest. In love, there are "no promises, no demands," and you have a right to ask the person whom your with, "will you turn me away or touch me deep inside/ and when this all gets old, will it still feel the same?" You have a right to know where the relationship is headed. But you won't know, unless you follow your heart and ask those questions. Communicate your fears, your doubts, your worries. It's your right to have your needs met. So, Gloria, "we are young [in our 40s], no one can tell us we're wrong/ searching our hearts [for answers in love] for so long."

February 22, 2015

People will never have your back.

I do. I am about as loyal as they come. But I will tell you, the women I cared about the most have used my loyalty against me - this includes my mother, my sisters, my gfs and former fiancée, and my ex wife. The only woman important to me who hasn't taken advantage of my loyalty is my sugar baby. And she most of all was in a position to abuse her advantage.

So take a chance? Total reckless abandon resulted in the three most amazing three years of my life and they aren't over yet. Was it worth it? It turns out that I had never known love before. Not like this. To miss this would have been a tragedy. I might have died and never known that love like this is possible.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Robert Z

February 22, 2015

"It's impossible," said pride.
"It's risky," said experience.
"It's pointless," said reason.
"Give it a try," whispered the heart.

Why don't we take chances when it comes to love? What holds us back? Why do we hesitate telling that other person how we really feel? When you take a risk, you may lose. But you have a 50/50 chance of winning.

I took that chance 7 years ago...he said I love you first...I don't play with those words, when I say them they are a commitment of the heart. I have truly loved few men in my life compared to the amount of relationships I have had. I have no trouble attracting men...some of them good men...but for romance to bloom, there has to be certain conditions...first is attraction, then getting to know them and seeing if you are compatible, then if the stars align, love will happen, but rarely in my life. I don't have it in me to put myself out there again...especially since the break up of my last relationship. I was with a man with serious mental/emotional problems that only reared thier head after I was deeply into the relationship. I am so damaged now, I can't even contemplate another relationship. I want a man who was all the good things my exboyfreind was...and none of the very toxic things he was. Perfect does not exist, but if I can't feel that kind of love and connection with someone like I did with him I will won't be happy...so why try? I used to be able to do FWB, have fun relationships without the emotional connections..but that was 20 years ago. I can't settle anymore...my odds are bleak for finding the love I want now...I will always be settling, because of my ex, I am damaged and ruined and it will take me years of intensive therapy to feel healed and whole...by that time I will be how old? I am turning 49 in a few months...I love and want what I can't have...my exboyfriend minus his Borderline Personality Disorder.

February 22, 2015

Something I learned on my journey is that the sooner you identify your fears, face up to them, and get them out of the way, the better. Life is much better once the fear has been dealt with.

February 22, 2015

This thread is exactly why I support everyone who wants to send letters or contact their ex. Everyone preaches not to, to let it go, but when your heart wants something, what's wrong with taking a chance? I mean really, what do you have to lose in the end?

I say whether you have a crush on someone or you are longing for an ex lover that you should go for what your heart wants. It might work and it might not, but there's only one real way to find out, right?

And that goes for anything in life.

February 22, 2015

Try preaching this "take risks" crap to the guy that's been obsessing over me for the longest...

Whenever he sees me he runs for the hills...

Oh, I forgot, I'm an "illness" he must rid himself of.

Same way I fear trusting people cuz I've been done wrong, some people fear people that may actually treat them right for once...

Fear goes both ways I guess

February 22, 2015

When you take a risk, you may lose.

When you don't take a risk you might lose!

Theres a quote: You can’t outwit fate by standing on the sidelines placing little sidebets about the outcome of life. Either you wade in and risk everything you have to play the game or you don’t play at all. And if you don’t play you can’t win - Judith McNaught

I've said it before, the world doesnt stand still, your always playing, if your not moving your just wasting turns! It's like seeing the equivalent of a truck coming and you have a choice of standing still in the road or jumping into a ditch that may or may not contain poisonous snakes, and you stand in the road and hope the truck swerves, because it sometimes does, and because who is going to jump into a potential pit of poisonous snakes? ..But if the chances that the truck will swerve are lower than the prevalence of snakes, you must jump, even though people tend to overestimate the risk of acting and underestimate the risk of not acting.

Sometimes you have to take a chance...

Sometimes the risk of doing nothing is the biggest one!

February 22, 2015

This thread is exactly why I support everyone who wants to send letters or contact their ex. Everyone preaches not to, to let it go, but when your heart wants something, what's wrong with taking a chance? I mean really, what do you have to lose in the end?

How many people told me to stop chasing my now wife.. When all i really risked losing was time and a bit of pride maybe..

..But if i had stopped when they said...id of lost so much that the though makes me shiver!

February 22, 2015

This thread is exactly why I support everyone who wants to send letters or contact their ex. Everyone preaches not to, to let it go, but when your heart wants something, what's wrong with taking a chance? I mean really, what do you have to lose in the end?

I say whether you have a crush on someone or you are longing for an ex lover that you should go for what your heart wants. It might work and it might not, but there's only one real way to find out, right?

And that goes for anything in life.

That makes you a stalker. All to common.

February 22, 2015

I think we hold back because we are scared of the unknown. That, and being vulnerable with people that could actually hurt us vs. hurting the person you are with (you feel more in control.)

February 22, 2015

This is my biggest issue with dating.

I struggle to process my emotions (high functioning autism) and I find it hard connect to someone on a romantic level.

I'm still very young at 22 but I've only ever developed 3 crushes. I asked out 2 and got rejected and the other became my ex girlfriend as she made the move on me. If I do get a crush, it throws me off because I have to process the emotions and even then I struggle to take the chance to do something about it. I have to force myself out of my comfort zone and if I do, its too late. I'm fine afterwards but its forcing myself to take the plunge I can't do.

I've had a few opportunities now where the woman has expressed interest and I've either not noticed or I notice it, get nervous and do nothing about it.

I will end up losing a lot of opportunities and have a lot of regret later in life, but I know its a problem and I'm working on it! Small steps though is better then none

February 22, 2015

"It's impossible," said pride.
"It's risky," said experience.
"It's pointless," said reason.
"Give it a try," whispered the heart.

Why don't we take chances when it comes to love? What holds us back? Why do we hesitate telling that other person how we really feel? When you take a risk, you may lose. But you have a 50/50 chance of winning.

I think lots of people take risks everyday for love. That's why there is the saying that love is blind or people are crazy in love because many people are known to throw caution to the wind when it comes on to love (and infatuation).

I've definitely taken risks and I think for some if you've done it before or multiple times and got burned you're a little more cautious the next time and decide to look before you leap.

All love requires some risk and coming out of your comfort zone. You need to first decide if that person/situation is worth it though. Like you said, it will either work or not.

February 22, 2015

I've always liked the saying : People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When my only child died 2 yrs ago, I don't think I would have survived it if it wasn't for my H's unwavering support and love. Maybe that was reason enough. Or maybe he's a non shallow guy who will love me wrinkles and all. Maybe he or I will get hit by a truck tomorrow !

I never regret having and loving my daughter even though the pain of her loss was indescribable. I treasure the 19 yrs I got to be her mom.

Life, love and loss will always be intertwined...

February 22, 2015

I see fear as a weakness. So those who dress it up however they like, how "sophisticated" they are, how "knowing" etc, the more excuses why they don't want it, the more you can see they are just afraid of it. And fear is weakness. So I see them as weak.

You can tell the people who are just content with whatever situation they have in their lives, it just shines through. I guess it reminds me of the line, "doth lady protestest too much".

I believe, as long as there is a silver lining, a lesson learned, there are no bad experiences. And I have had to search sometimes for that lesson! lol. We learn from our mistakes not from our victories so I am fine when I "fail", it just shows me the way and tests my resolve. It develops me.

I don't think fear is a weakness. There is irrational fear and fear that is alerting you of possible dangers to look out for. All animals possess this ability to be afraid for good reason.

I think checking if the fear is irrational or not is what is important and how you work through it if you should is what counts versus simply the presence of fear itself.

February 23, 2015

That makes you a stalker. All to common.

What? There is a huge difference between being a stalker and making an attempt to reconcile with an ex lover. Unless you're constantly following them around everywhere they go, I don't see how it's similar.

February 23, 2015

I don't like risks everywhere. It certainly was risky to go for a better highschool-level when everyone said I wouldn't even make it through 7th grade, it was a big gamble to just rent an apartment for me in college when the year had just begun, and boy was it risky to quit college because I couldn't stand the people there and there was a private one nearby - which only accepts 75 students per year though.

Well today I got accepted into that private college and can't wait to get started in September. But love and relationships? They have usually run their course after 6 months - 3 years. Coin flipping has a greater win-guarantee than starting to sort out people to see who's good relationship material and who isn't.

February 23, 2015

Try preaching this "take risks" crap to the guy that's been obsessing over me for the longest...

Whenever he sees me he runs for the hills...

Oh, I forgot, I'm an "illness" he must rid himself of.

Same way I fear trusting people cuz I've been done wrong, some people fear people that may actually treat them right for once...

Fear goes both ways I guess

So he's a putz. Why would you want to be with him? And how would he know you would great him right? Isn't he with someone else right now as well? So it is more than just taking the leap?

Maybe you scare him outside of a fantasy/daydreaming level?

February 23, 2015

I don't think fear is a weakness. There is irrational fear and fear that is alerting you of possible dangers to look out for. All animals possess this ability to be afraid for good reason.

I think checking if the fear is irrational or not is what is important and how you work through it if you should is what counts versus simply the presence of fear itself.

I think not doing something because of fear, and allowing fear to create a pattern in one's life that keeps them on the sideline is a weakness. That is what I was speaking to. Fear is a trigger, you check the trigger, find the basis of it, and move on with that knowledge. Never getting to the bottom of the fear is living as a bystander in one's life.

February 28, 2015

"It's impossible," said pride.
"It's risky," said experience.
"It's pointless," said reason.
"Give it a try," whispered the heart.

Why don't we take chances when it comes to love? What holds us back? Why do we hesitate telling that other person how we really feel? When you take a risk, you may lose. But you have a 50/50 chance of winning.

Recently had this discussion with myself and my heart won. Told someone who's very much become my best friend over the last year that I have feelings for her a couple weeks ago. Stomach was in knots and heart was pounding when I did, but I will never regret telling her how I felt.

I think it does come down to fear on why we don't follow our hearts more. Fear of losing, fear of the hurt, fear of rejection, etc... etc.... Our minds are all about self-preservation where the heart just wants what it wants.

February 28, 2015

Recently had this discussion with myself and my heart won. Told someone who's very much become my best friend over the last year that I have feelings for her a couple weeks ago. Stomach was in knots and heart was pounding when I did, but I will never regret telling her how I felt.

I think it does come down to fear on why we don't follow our hearts more. Fear of losing, fear of the hurt, fear of rejection, etc... etc.... Our minds are all about self-preservation where the heart just wants what it wants.

Congrats for following your heart Emmortal! I'm so happy to hear another story where the person set logic aside and went with their heart instead! Proud of you!!

Yes, on your explanation about fear. Very true! +1!

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