minimariah Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 i apologize if something like this already exists. for all of you who are currently in an affair - are you exclusive with your AP? if you're married - do you still have sex with your spouse? if the answer is yes - is it just something you do to keep your spouse from getting suspicious or you genuinely enjoy it? do you expect your AP to be faithful to you? if you're single but you're in an affair with a MM or MW - do you date other people? of the answer is no, at what point you decided to be exclusive with your MM/MW? do you feel like you're missing out on your possible soul mate by not dating? ALSO - for all of you who are still in an affair but married... do you plan to leave your spouse at one point in your life, is that something in your future plans? or would you be okay having that affair for the rest of your life? thank you.
Sassy Girl Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 (edited) Neither of us are exclusive in that we only have sex with each other and not spouses. We don't ask each other the details. I assume he has sex with her when he gets the opportunity. My sex life with husband is the same it always was I have no plans to leave my marriage right now but maybe in the future, and definitely NOT for MM (he has no intention of ever leaving and I prefer it that way). I have raised divorce with my husband who is vehemently against it and my children are very young, so stay so they can enjoy having 2 parents. Edited February 22, 2015 by Sassy Girl 1
Hope Shimmers Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 i apologize if something like this already exists. for all of you who are currently in an affair - are you exclusive with your AP? if you're married - do you still have sex with your spouse? if the answer is yes - is it just something you do to keep your spouse from getting suspicious or you genuinely enjoy it? do you expect your AP to be faithful to you? if you're single but you're in an affair with a MM or MW - do you date other people? of the answer is no, at what point you decided to be exclusive with your MM/MW? do you feel like you're missing out on your possible soul mate by not dating? ALSO - for all of you who are still in an affair but married... do you plan to leave your spouse at one point in your life, is that something in your future plans? or would you be okay having that affair for the rest of your life? thank you. I'm divorced and was in an A with a MM for several years. It started out legitimately (well - in that he was separated and not living with his wife) but eventually he decided to return to her and by then I was in too deep to engage my brain cells and walk away. We were exclusive. He would have had it no other way. He was extremely jealous. (Yes - huge double standard). His wife had cut off sex several years prior (according to her - she told me this). So he wasn't getting any from her. Did I feel like I was missing out on a great relationship by not dating? Not at the time. But now, in retrospect, yes. I lost most of my 40's on this married man and I regret it more than I can say. I wish I had those years back. 5
Confused48 Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 As a BS I can tell you that during the A in my life, the frequency and passion of sex increased. Not sure if it was guilty feelings on the part of my WS or increased libido, the more you get the more you want, effect. Maybe both. If WS had quit sex with me I'd have known something was up. It's always been important to both of us. What is your story mini? Are you exclusive? Do you want to be? Is your AP? 2
GoldieLox Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 We were exclusive in the fact that we were eachother's first and only affairs. We were not sleeping with any other "affair partners" at the time. I was barely sleeping with my husband, and I don't know if he was sleeping with his wife. I always just assumed he was to be on the safe side, but I never asked. We did not plan on leaving our spouses. I may leave for my own reasons, completely independent of xMM. He will never leave, at least until his kids are older. I will be in the dust by then. After all was said and done and over, I was clued into the fact that his marriage wasn't exactly rainbows and butterflies. This whole thing turned into a freaking mess. Never again. 1
Selfish Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 i apologize if something like this already exists. for all of you who are currently in an affair - are you exclusive with your AP? if you're married - do you still have sex with your spouse? if the answer is yes - is it just something you do to keep your spouse from getting suspicious or you genuinely enjoy it? do you expect your AP to be faithful to you? if you're single but you're in an affair with a MM or MW - do you date other people? of the answer is no, at what point you decided to be exclusive with your MM/MW? do you feel like you're missing out on your possible soul mate by not dating? ALSO - for all of you who are still in an affair but married... do you plan to leave your spouse at one point in your life, is that something in your future plans? or would you be okay having that affair for the rest of your life? thank you. My affair is over. We were both married. We had sex only a few times and as far as I know it was only us together and each of us with our spouses. We had no plans to leave our marriage at any point. 1
MissBee Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 i apologize if something like this already exists. for all of you who are currently in an affair - are you exclusive with your AP? if you're married - do you still have sex with your spouse? if the answer is yes - is it just something you do to keep your spouse from getting suspicious or you genuinely enjoy it? do you expect your AP to be faithful to you? if you're single but you're in an affair with a MM or MW - do you date other people? of the answer is no, at what point you decided to be exclusive with your MM/MW? do you feel like you're missing out on your possible soul mate by not dating? ALSO - for all of you who are still in an affair but married... do you plan to leave your spouse at one point in your life, is that something in your future plans? or would you be okay having that affair for the rest of your life? thank you. Not in the A anymore but when I was I was not exclusive. I figured that would be incredibly dumb of me since he wasn't. Yes I was in the A but felt like I wasn't going to give him ALL the privileges of a single bf. If he wanted ALL the privileges then he needed to be able to give me all that I wanted, which he couldn't. I never gave him details or discussed what I was doing though although sometimes he would ask because he was jealous and we'd get into fights about my fidelity...it was quite ironic. Nevertheless, even though I went on dates and even slept with other men (we were LD and I think that's probably why that happened to be honest) sometimes, emotionally I was unavailable to them because I was in love with him and was attached to him and not them. So no way I was going to find my "soulmate" or anyone else to be with given that. I see so many OW say this though, where they believe they can be with MM, be emotionally attached and in love but can still continue to see him and be with him and magically find a new man and then leave MM...uhhh yea, that's wishful thinking. 1
still_an_Angel Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 We originally agreed on an open relationship due to the nature of how we got together (D/s). As long as we let each other know exactly what we're doing, shouldn't be a problem. However, over time, we became mono for some periods or there will be times when one or both of us would flirt with other people but still 'came back' to each other. He always keeps tabs on my life and loves to listen to the events in my life. MM has always encouraged me to meet other people and go on dates (as long as I tell him all the details), he has always said that if we do break up, it will be me leaving him. Although I've met other people, I just haven't found anyone that I wish to have a relationship with, so I don't feel like I'm missing out, if someone is really out there for me, it will happen. 1
cocorico Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Our R is no longer an A, but really only the label has changed. It's the same R. In the beginning, as a single OW I naively imagined he was having sex with the BW, and I had no intentions of being exclusive. Very quickly though I found myself unattracted to anyone else, and so became exclusive with him. And discovered he had been exclusive with me all along. So yes, during the A, he was exclusive with me throughout (despite being M). I was initially not, but then was. And since then, we've both been. (And yes, he did dump the BW). 2
Eagle's-bargain Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 if you're single but you're in an A with a MM or MW - do you date other people? of the answer is no, at what point you decided to be exclusive with your MM/MW? do you feel like you're missing out on your possible soul mate by not dating? At the time I was having an A I believed the reason the MW came to me was because she wanted to be with the man she didn't marry. I believed at that time she was on her way out of a doomed marriage (it was barely 3 months into her marriage) and she needed me to help her, and I foolishly believed she was going to do this. I was exclusive with her because I wanted to be with her and I thought she was going to be with me. I was able to dig up a reply I wrote to a friend about my A with the OW over email many years ago. "I caved, and replied with: No tests, no games. If I have to make you love me, it's not real and never will be. I'm tired of hiding, it's a killer. I will never respect and love you if I have to decide how you should feel. When you're free enough to choose for yourself like you did when you came back briefly, I'll be here, but until then I stay away. Then I blocked her on gmail chat, deleted all texts from her, etc. I won't take anything short of, "Help me get through a divorce, I'm filling the paperwork." this time. But I've also made sure that I'm not going to put my life on hold for indecision." I wish I had not said, "Until then I stay away." I should have said, "It's either right now or you will lose your chance." Then again, how do I know she wouldn't do it back to me? ... In the end, the exclusiveness of the A (my exclusiveness) died down when the OW was sleeping with her husband trying to reconcile but have me in her life and she was unwilling to divorce (though she brought it up initially to me). I made plans with my life after that and moved on. It took time for the feelings to dwindle. The most important thing also from this was to look at the key data. Motive, opportunity, and aftermath. Neither motives matched up and the aftermath was ugly. I was used, and looking back from the aftermath to motive, it's pretty plain. I never thought I was missing out on my soul mate with the OW during the A and before because I felt that since before the PA she was a close friend (I talked to her no differently than a man talks to his best bar/hunting/religious/I need an opinion on my life buddy. So no, I never thought I was missing out, I felt she made the wrong choice by getting married. Her coming to me was an affirmation of her wanting to be with her soulmate. The data showed otherwise later on. What did I learn? God forbid I find myself in a similar position. If I find myself attracted to a MW I will print out divorce papers for her if she suggests "Want to get a drink sometime?" Then I will go home, alone, and watch cricket without having to deal with that garbage again. 1
goodyblue Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 We are now in an open relationship but to answer your q we were always in an exclusive relationship. He hadn't slept with his wife in 12 years and I was single. Our relationship has changed a lot as we have been together for some years, are raising my kids together and just bought a new home. But we are still exclusive. First and last affair for us both. 1
SusiePie Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 When I was with MM I was single. I tried dating others but no one did it for me like him. He claims his wife never had sex him the last year they were together. I also found him on many hookup sites and read about him and his FWBs....so no, he wasn't exclusive. Honestly, where did he find energy to be a husband, have side gfs, and constantly chasing new ones? He never stopped hunting. Unreal. And I Was so content with just him. 1
Author minimariah Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 thank you all for your answers! We are now in an open relationship but to answer your q we were always in an exclusive can you, please, explain this a little more? how is your open relationship organized? what are the rules? What is your story mini? Are you exclusive? Do you want to be? Is your AP? i'm a former BS, we divorced as soon as i found out about his affair. the one thing that truly baffled me was the sex. my xH was definitely in love with his OW, his feelings for her were deep... yet, we had sex all the time, as passionate as always & he was so present. never once did i feel like it wasn't me who was getting him off, you know? so i always wondered about that - how could he be so passionate and present with me but in love with her? i don't know. i couldn't do that, so i'll probably never understand. our sex life didn't change at all - we were kinky & passionate until the very end.
Selfish Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 thank you all for your answers! can you, please, explain this a little more? how is your open relationship organized? what are the rules? i'm a former BS, we divorced as soon as i found out about his affair. the one thing that truly baffled me was the sex. my xH was definitely in love with his OW, his feelings for her were deep... yet, we had sex all the time, as passionate as always & he was so present. never once did i feel like it wasn't me who was getting him off, you know? so i always wondered about that - how could he be so passionate and present with me but in love with her? i don't know. i couldn't do that, so i'll probably never understand. our sex life didn't change at all - we were kinky & passionate until the very end. Some People can compartmentalize. And some people can enjoy sex without love. And some people can truly be in love with more than one person at a time. Not everybody of course. 1
Scarlet2 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 if you're single but you're in an affair with a MM or MW - do you date other people? of the answer is no, at what point you decided to be exclusive with your MM/MW? do you feel like you're missing out on your possible soul mate by not dating? No, I do not date others. From day 1. No, I wouldn't have agreed to the affair if I thought MM wasn't my soul mate. 1
goodyblue Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 thank you all for your answers! can you, please, explain this a little more? how is your open relationship organized? what are the rules? i'm a former BS, we divorced as soon as i found out about his affair. the one thing that truly baffled me was the sex. my xH was definitely in love with his OW, his feelings for her were deep... yet, we had sex all the time, as passionate as always & he was so present. never once did i feel like it wasn't me who was getting him off, you know? so i always wondered about that - how could he be so passionate and present with me but in love with her? i don't know. i couldn't do that, so i'll probably never understand. our sex life didn't change at all - we were kinky & passionate until the very end. I must clarify... when i said open i meant no longer hidden. I was single, he was married. He left his marriage and we are together in a legitimate relationship. It is not open as in multiple partners. It is just us. 1
Got it Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 We were both married, we have divorced and married each other. We were/are exclusive. 2
Confused48 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 i'm a former BS, we divorced as soon as i found out about his affair. the one thing that truly baffled me was the sex. my xH was definitely in love with his OW, his feelings for her were deep... yet, we had sex all the time, as passionate as always & he was so present. never once did i feel like it wasn't me who was getting him off, you know? so i always wondered about that - how could he be so passionate and present with me but in love with her? i don't know. i couldn't do that, so i'll probably never understand. our sex life didn't change at all - we were kinky & passionate until the very end. It is odd how many BS report this, no change or even an uptick in sex life during a secret A. It seems there might be a bit of a disconnect. WS reporting to the AP that they are in a sexless or bad sex M when that would be news to the BS. I can see why they would do that. Just like when the WS returns to the BS, they say the affair sex was not great. That might be shocking news to the AP. I guess you can't count on the truth about the quality and frequency of the sex unless you were there, or have other evidence. 1
Eagle's-bargain Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Some People can compartmentalize. And some people can enjoy sex without love. And some people can truly be in love with more than one person at a time. Not everybody of course. If you want to ride two horses at once, don't leave the circus.* This is the only reason I'm against polyamory/candaulism/what have you not. *No offense to those IN the real circus. 1
Author minimariah Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 I guess you can't count on the truth about the quality and frequency of the sex unless you were there, or have other evidence. true. a lot of people do tell the truth - there are a lot of sexless marriages out there, LOL. in my case - my xH's AP knew about our sex life & he never said a bad word about me or our marriage to her. in fact, they were both respectful... as crazy as it sounds. he claimed he was happy but... kismet, i guess. he was definitely happy with me but he was happiER with her. sometimes it happens like that. I must clarify... when i said open i meant no longer hidden. I was single, he was married. He left his marriage and we are together in a legitimate relationship. It is not open as in multiple partners. It is just us. ohhhhhh, i'm sorry! i understand you now. & remember reading your story, you two seem like such a happy couple from what you post and it's honestly awesome to read that. it's good to know there are healthy & loving relationships out there, it makes my faith in love a little stronger!
cocorico Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 It is odd how many BS report this, no change or even an uptick in sex life during a secret A. It seems there might be a bit of a disconnect. WS reporting to the AP that they are in a sexless or bad sex M when that would be news to the BS. I'm sure in many such cases, "it would be news to the BS" because the BS is perfectly happy with the R the way it is, because it's all going their way - they get the R they're happy with. For the WS in those Rs though, they're unhappy, trying to get the BS to accept that the R is not great *for both of them* because one person f them is unhappy, and getting shrugged off because, after all, the BS is happy, so they consider the R perfect. Until the WS is driven to seek solace elsewhere,many then suddenly it's "news" to the BS despite the WS having spent years trying to tell the BS they were unhappy, trying to get the BS to agree to MC, etc.... I can see why they would do that. Just like when the WS returns to the BS, they say the affair sex was not great. That might be shocking news to the AP. I guess you can't count on the truth about the quality and frequency of the sex unless you were there, or have other evidence. Many of us do, which is why we make those claims. 1
Confused48 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 true. a lot of people do tell the truth - there are a lot of sexless marriages out there, LOL. in my case - my xH's AP knew about our sex life & he never said a bad word about me or our marriage to her. in fact, they were both respectful... as crazy as it sounds. he claimed he was happy but... kismet, i guess. he was definitely happy with me but he was happiER with her. sometimes it happens like that. And so bottom line, he did not want to leave you? A little more happy was not worth leaving a pretty good marriage? In contrast to this and perhaps not entirely out of line with what cocorico said, I know that there are unhappy WS in unhappy marriages, that are then a bit less unhappy in their A with the AP. And don't leave the marriage bc after all, its not that great with the AP either and making it a real relationship might just make it even worse. (obviously I'm not implying this was true for you cororico) In many cases I think it is just an unhappy person that is the problem. They blame the marriage partner but they should look within. 1
Casa Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 And so bottom line, he did not want to leave you? A little more happy was not worth leaving a pretty good marriage? In contrast to this and perhaps not entirely out of line with what cocorico said, I know that there are unhappy WS in unhappy marriages, that are then a bit less unhappy in their A with the AP. And don't leave the marriage bc after all, its not that great with the AP either and making it a real relationship might just make it even worse. (obviously I'm not implying this was true for you cororico) In many cases I think it is just an unhappy person that is the problem. They blame the marriage partner but they should look within. I think what happened with me was that as an OW years into the affair I wanted him to leave and made him miserable by crying when he left me. So he thought that he should give his marriage a go being as I was a miserable Bitch now. However nobody's happy... He didn't make any change except to tell BS he wasn't seeing me.... 1
Author minimariah Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 And so bottom line, he did not want to leave you? A little more happy was not worth leaving a pretty good marriage? i honestly don't know how to answer this - he didn't want to leave me & he did want to leave me at the same time... if it makes sense. he wanted to fix our marriage but for all the wrong reasons & at the same time he wanted a relationship with the OW because he was in love with her. he really had no idea what he wanted, his heart was telling him one thing but his mind something completely else. at first, when i found out about the affair - he went into a full panic mode and at that moment, he was ready to do ANYTHING to get his old life back & to save our marriage. but i remember having this feeling and thinking... it just isn't enough. i felt like i just wasn't enough for him. so he did try to talk and he did try to reconcile but once i realized how deep his feelings for the OW are... it was done. i was ready to take responsibility for my own failures in our marriage but when i asked him to tell me where and what i did wrong - he said he didn't know. i never got those answers and i don't think i ever will so i just had to accept that it was simply something that happened... you know? it was no one's fault. he simply found someone who could make him happier and reach him in a ways that i couldn't. not that it makes me any less angry about the entire thing... it's a long story. but yeah, i always wondered about the sex part. that is the one thing in our marriage that stayed perfect, from the beginning til the very end.
Casa Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 That was your opinion. I had amazing sex with my ex H during my affair as it fuelled my opinion that I was indeed very attractive. It didn't last more than a year though and I felt bad later. Didn't tell him that. I have to question the logic of BS who say their sex life was amazing during the affair. Really doesn't it make you sick?
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