ASDot Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 So after 12 years together, 7 years married, I am meeting with a lawyer next week to talk divorce. It's been coming for a while, I've known for over a year now, but it still hurts. Just a little background. When we met we both had a child from previous relationships. He had a son, I had a daughter. Since my daughters father has not been around at all since 2003, he has pretty much raised my daughter. We then had two more sons together. Our kids now are 15 (his son), 14 (daughter), 10, and 8. Our 10 year old son is autistic, and while I hate to say he is severe, he is not far from it. He behaves like a 100 lb. 1 yr. old. Has no sense of danger, severe anger issues, very limited communication, and very high maintenance. Don't get me wrong though, I would never change him for the world, he is my baby and I love him with all I have, along with my other children. As for his son, the oldest, he does not live with us and currently only comes to our house 1-2 times per week on supervised visits. 3 years ago we discovered that his son had molested both my boys on atleast a couple differant occasions. It was "dealt" with in court and without going into all the boring details, it was left that he was young when he did it (12, my babies were 4/5, and 7), he went through counseling, and he now knows it was wrong. So pretty much the entire thing was dropped. I finally started allowing him to come around again about 1 1/2 years ago, only when I am home and never overnight. They are never to be in the same room together alone, sitting beside each other, etc. Those were the terms me and my husband agreed on. As far as that is concerned, my family has not been very supportive of his son being around, so I have pretty much lost communication with them over it. I respect their feelings on the subject, but my husband did not, and it was easier to distance myself from them then fight over daily. I have no contact with my mother at all after she went on a drunken rampage and threatened to call cps on us over this situation. ( they had already been contacted, my mother has other issues as well). So I am completely alone. So this week after a fight over something we decided that the time has come for a divorce. We tried this back in August, but he came back, saying he was willing to change. His "change" was to get put on an antidepressant. We are both at fault though. I cannot get over the situation with his son, I feel betrayed that he took his sons side, even though I understand why he did. I felt like he was more worried about people finding out then the damage it could cause our boys. Around the same time we found that out, he also lost his job. It was a great job that fit our lifestyle perfectly. And I blame him for losing it over him being immature and doing something so completely ridiculous. After he lost his job, I started working more hours as a bartender. He started leaving the kids at home to come to the bar when I worked ( my daughter was old enough to babysit). So I was working, and doing all the household stuff and he was sitting on his ass Pl aying video games or at the bar. At this point I was ready to leave. We fought constantly over his son, over him doING nothing. I cheated. It was not right of me to do, but at the time I wanted out. I kissed another guy One time. It was wrong on my part and I know that. Well he found out and things got crazy. I felt so guilty that I never left his sight. It was the only thing I knew to do to prove to him he could trust me. It just so happened that a couple months after that, his family opened a bar and we both started working there with each other. I was not allowed to work at night without him there. Which was fine. Then he found a good factory job within a month of that. At that point, with his scedule, and the kids activities and the fact that our autistic son was being sent home from school for behavioral issues atleast once a week, I stopped working. I still helped out from time to time, but maybe one day a month. So for the past 2 years almost, I have stayed home with the kids. So now we are getting a divorce and we are broke. We have credit card debt, and a piece od crap house that is falling apart and worth less than I owe. We had planned on taking some inheritance money I have and fixing the electric problems in the house, and making it a home, since our kids have destroyed it. Anyways, since the word divorce was mentuoned a week ago, we haven't really spoke. We've texted each other but that's about it. He did mention something about him living here until the divorce was final, but I said no. I can't keep pretending. I can't stand to be around him. I hate him too much right now. So yesterday I just told him to either pack his stuff or I would pack mine and the kids. He left. He wanted me to call a lawyer so I can file, but he wanted us to share the same lawyer to save money. The lawyer I called said absolutely no way would she represent us both, because it's never as easy as people think. I agree completely with that. Of course when I told him what the lawyer said, he accused me of lying. He's mad because he says he will have to pay for both our lawyers and he will never have any money to get a place of his own. I offered him the house, but he said since it's in my name from before we got married he couldn't take it. I also forgot to mention that I just started working at his family's business again part time. They brought me back in as a manager of sorts because they know I can run it. And as family, I was working for way less money than I should be, along with doing alot of stuff I don't get paid for. I didn't mind because I love doing it, I'm good at, and it feels so good to be appreciated again. I of course cannot continue to work there and it absolutely breaks my heart. So I will once again be unemployed and I'm not sure what I can do since I will not be able to find another job that will be understanding of my situation with my son. I cannot just leave him with a babysitter, and at any given time I could have to get him from school. So here I am. I'm losing everything, except my kids. I'm completely alone with nobody to talk to. I feel numb. There's times all I can do is cry, then times I get excited about how I finally get to live MY life. But I'm also scared because I don't know how to be a single mom of 3 kids. And I'm pissed. Pissed that he is leaving me in a situation like this. Pissed that he can't change, isn't willing to change, pissed that I even thought he could change. And I'm angry that he gets to keep our social life. Our friends are his friends. The family I've gotten close to, is his family. The new friends I've made at work, are his friends now. They will all choose his side. And I'm sure it is hard for him too because he is losing his house and not being able to see his kids every day. But I kinda don't care anymore. I understand it, I'm just not worried about his feelings anymore. I feel like that's all I've ever done, worry about his feeling, his wants. Is it bad that one of the biggest things I'm excited about is that me and the kids can now eat food we like. Little things like pigs in a blanket, or even trying new recipes. It sounds silly, but I can't wait to not have to worry about what he wants for dinner. My life no longer runs on his schedule. Me and the boys had blueberry waffles for dinner last night at 10 pm. That never would have happened before. Thanks so much for letting me vent. I know all this is a jumbled mess. And I'm sure I've left some things out, but I really just need to let it out.
writergal Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Wow so sorry to hear your story OP. Since you have children, your state has resources to help single mom's out, especially if you're unemployed. You should apply for emergency cash, emergency healthcare if you don't have it, food stamps, and help with your electricity bills. Your county office will have the paperwork you need to fill out to get emergency help. Do that first. There are also pro bono divorce lawyers that you can access through a volunteer lawyers network in your city. You'll have to wait in line to speak to a divorce lawyer, but you will be able to find lawyer who will process your divorce for free or very low cost to you. Right now you are reeling emotionally, so it's hard to think in terms of what practical issues need to be addressed. That's why I mention that you go to your county office to apply for state support financially and medically so you can get emergency cash etc.
Author ASDot Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Thank you for the advice! I will definitely look into getting help. I'm not really that concerned with the finances because I know I can cut out the unnecessary items, now that he's not here. I know it will be rough, but I know it's possible. My dream is to go back to school (college) so I can start a career that will work around my special needs son. I want to be in charge of my own life. My husband didn't want me to go to school because he thought it was a waste of money unless I had a concrete plan on what I could do when I finished. Which I understand, but it was still my dream and it would have been nice to be supported in it. It's almost like this doesn't feel real. I feel like I should be more upset. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet though. I get a girls night out tonight and I'm just so excited about that. It's sad that shopping, dinner, and a movie with my 14 year old daughter is so exciting to me but we Never get to do that. I don't even have to check in with anyone tonight. I feel like I just moved out of my parents house for the first time lol
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