sammason92 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Hi, As per my other posts you may see that I am now just over 3 months after a breakup. I have started internet dating (speed dating next week). I have started to meet some nice ladies, some of which want to see me again. However, I cant help but feel lonely when I am on these dates. Quite simply they are not my ex. Of course I know that this is obvious, but it gets me down. I always remind myself that I wasn't too keen on my ex until about the third date as she was very quiet, so it is wise to give other woman time to open up more. But regardless, of whether the lady is quiet or talkative, intelligent or not, pretty or not pretty, they aren't her. I am seeing a psychologist and he insists that dating again will in fact speed up the healing process, but I think part of me feels that the more I date, and the more dates I go on with a particular girl, the further away from my ex I feel. Some people say to me you have to get used to being single, whilst others say 'to get over someone, get under someone else'. I lean towards the latter, waiting around seems pointless as there is no set goal. People say when you feel comfortable being alone, that is when you are ready. But why wait to feel happy about being single, just to use that as a marker as to the point when one should stop being single? I just wanted to get your experiences with the whole process. My psychologist emphasises 'mindfulness' and being in the moment so as to allow myself the chance to fall in love again. But regardless of how hard I try, I would give anything to go back and to not have to do this whole process, and just have a night in with her watching a film. 1
lumberjac Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 just read your old thread and I personally dont think thats a healthy relationship to get back into. I would suggest you to try and fill up your daily schedule, and prioritise the tasks. if you're at uni/college/work, spend more time and work hard on it, find some hobbies, meet with your friends, there is a lot to do in life. Once you have a packed schedule you will then know if you want to spend the time to date. it is true that you will heal quicker if you date new people, but sometimes you need to take the oppurtunity and extra time after your break up to improve yourself, or simply to get back on your feet. Keep yourself busy and you'll realise for yourself if you want to date and remain single for now. 1
Author sammason92 Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 You're not alone in your thinking. The shrink says the relationship was one sided, and the ex being the way she was, was unable to control herself (drinking, slapping, mood swings). However, that being my first relationship means that is all I have to compare things to. All my friends had partners when they were 18, then a few more in their early 20s and are now settled as they knew what they wanted in a partner. However, I am 27 and I have only just got out of my first relationship. I am very busy at work, I have some holidays planned and I try and see my brother or friends on the weekends. But there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. I believe at the moment it is worse as we were beginning to plan so I am alone at times when I know I would have been with her if not for the breakup ie: her birthday, our anniversary, my business trip, moving into together. Right now I am in a shared house when I should have been in an apartment with her, planning for a move in September once she knew where she would be working. It simply, isn't the life I imagined I would be living, had you asked me 4 months ago. What's worse if my ex on paper was so perfect. Of course, on paper is one thing and the reality was much worse, I find I consciously reject people because they don't match her standard. She was not only a very pretty woman, she was incredibly intelligent, a doctor as well as a very quiet and sweet girl. She had a some real problems and a horrible past but she was a very impressive partner. I know it sounds so very shallow, immature and ridiculous but whenever I meet a girl now and she is say for an example: a teacher, I instantly think 'nope, not good enough'. When, before I met her I would have been perfectly happy with anyone if I loved them. It seems that we broke up at a time when we were really planning the future so all my expectations were set in place and now the reality is, it will be hard to find someone I can achieve those things with. I have become obsessed with image, wealth and how my partner looks to others when I was never like that before. I was a easy going guy who fell in love (unrequited) with a mix of women. Some worked in shops, some were overweight, some couldn't speak English. I was never shallow or materialistic but now I have become an idiot who dismisses women as not living up to 'my standard' because they are either not earning enough, too tall, not well educated. I am sorry to rant, but I hate myself for being like this, when I was never like it before.
organizedchaos Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Yes it gets better and you can meet someone better. I have. Took a year but current relationship and gf are better in so many ways. Didn't think it would happen either when the bu was fresh, but it did! 1
Stercrazy Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Im in the same boat. I have dated and been intimate with other girls so I can honestly say getting under someone doesn't change how you feel. For me it was a realization that I'm just not ready to date. I always have an excuse as to why the last date didn't work out. I think you have to be ready to emotionally..... almost a type of inner peace. Then you'll be ready. As for now I think dating is mundane and without purpose. I look at it almost like practice interviews for when I find the right girl. Good luck.
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 If you are still comparing these dates to your ex you are not ready to date which is why you feel so lonely & they are not working out for you. Stop trying to a rebound. take a break. Fill your time with hobbies & friends instead. take the time to heal. You will be better off in the long run. 1
Author sammason92 Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) Thank you for your replies, they are appreciated. However, how does one know when they are in a place to move on? Talking with my psychologist, he has done tests and it would appear that I am on the aspergers spectrum, though he emphasises just how large that spectrum is. He says my social ability and my ability to be the class clown would rule out the possibility of a diagnosis. However, it would explain my inability to move on and accept change. I did everything I thought was right. I was loving and attentive, I wasn't at all jealous and would allow her to go out with friends, supportive of her career but never lovey dovey and over the top as to smother her. Then when my brother's girlfriend walked out after 4.5 years, I thought it was right to go to see him and spend the weekend with him, being that it was his first weekend alone. And that was the weekend she chose to disappear with a man who tried to kiss her, and at the very least exchange numbers. I believe that is what my shrink is trying to emphasise. A woman who does that, a woman who can move on so quickly and be so cruel as to laugh at a letter post breakup where I highlight the fact I am going to get help and I am on medication (especially as she is a Doctor), a woman who can repeatedly slap a partner for minor infractions as eating a olive when cooking together, a woman who uses tears as a weapon after being nasty, a woman who can invite her partner to a party and then ignore him for the entire night- quite simply isn't a partner one should mourn the loss of. However, I always remember the good bits. The shrink says that I sound like a lot of women he works with who are beaten by their partner ie: he slaps me but is so sweet 90% of the time. I just feel that if I knew why she did what she did, I could in some ways begin to hate her. As weird as that sounds, I believe I have to hate her in order to move on. To truly realise that what she did and the timing of it was unacceptable and wrong, but as she never admitted to it, rather playing the victim I feel I can't and instead I have thrown away a wonderful girl. To the men- do you find at all that you found your partner more attractive post breakup? Truth be told, I always struggled with sex with her. I never found we were completely compatible in that sense, however (and I know that this is disgusting) when I have sexual fantasies, I always dream of her. When in reality, sex always seemed like a chore with her, she simply wasn't that good in bed. So why now, do I think of her when I imagine having sex with a woman? When in reality, I know if I was having sex with her now I wouldn't really be enjoying it? Finally, the shrink asked me the other day why will I not allow myself to stop thinking good things about her? My friends and family ask me this also. I am not a overly emotional person, if you looked at me and listened you would probably thing I was very much a man's man. However, whenever I begin to answer this I cant help but start to cry so I stop. So I will say here- I don't want to stop thinking of her or what could have been as I don't want her memory to fade, I am not ready to let her go. If I keep thinking about her, of the flat we would have had (even to the minute details of how I would get to work from said place) the dream dies, and with that, so does the image of her. Why did she do it? Why couldn't she stay loyal to me and love me as I did her? Why did she have to disappear with a sleazy recruiter who wears a cap in a fancy bar? I mean, everyday she is surrounded by doctors and surgeons, I could in some way understand that, but him? What was there about me that was so disgusting she sought solace in another man? Edited February 21, 2015 by sammason92
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