Oneness Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 A year ago today I broke NC with my exboyfriend. I was a wreck, and my trauma bond made me feel like I would die if I did not contact him...I am not kidding you, I am not being dramatic. The pain is so great, I liken it to worse then a junkis going cold turkey...and going back to him makes all the pain go away, just like a shot of heroin to a jonesing junkie. My reasons for going back to him were muilti-layered. I actually felt safer having him in my life, because he is vindictive...and he confessed his nasty plans to me so I could foil them. If I had not gone back then, I would have been in a huge fight to keep my son (not his child...but he is devious and hightly intelligent and knows how to use the courts). It started out good, as it always does...but he was now living very far away from me. He has huge fear of abandonment, it is at the core of his disorder (BPD). We were both broke...we could only see each other maybe once a month, we would drive up and meet each other at a half way point for the weekend. He began to fall apart...he emotionally dysregulated constantly, said he was going to kill himself, was jealous and paranoid, accused me of dating others when I went to work, accused me of being with my exhusband...he became abusive, he raged at me, more then once he freaked out and raged at me when I did not answer my phone after seeing him (I was picking up my son at his Dads house). He broke up with me 5 times in May, 2x in June..and the last time in July...by then I had had it! The next day he wanted me back, but I did not get his email and I had blocked him on my phone. He tried to get me to come back to him when I broke NC to ask him to send something back to me that I had loaned him...it was worth a lot of money and I was not about to give it up. For the next two and a half mlonths we went back and forth, but he never really heard me...it was the same behaviors he always had...after 7 years everything I said to him, all our discussions, all his promises and plans were for nothing...all he did is try and hoover me, or threaten to kill himself, or threaten me, or use emotional blackmail....he never got that these things did not work anymore - they stopped working yuears ago! IT MADE ME FEEL CRAZY!! It made me feel worthless...his words were meaningless...never backed up by actions. This man is only living and breathing now because I came into his life, fell in love with him, and saved him from certain doom...not once, not tiwce...mutliple times. So here it is, one year ago today...and I need you guys to help me keep NC. He will never change, he will never get the therapy he needs and kept saying he would get...breaking NC would be pointless. But I am struggling...when he is not behaving like a raging demon, or emotionally dysregulating he is the greatest love of my life, the only man I want, the only man I love, and I can't stand that I have lost him to his disorder... 2
Downtown Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Oneness, as you know so well by now, returning to him likely would harm him at least as much as it would help him. BPDers typically will tolerate the partner's presence only as long you walk on eggshells, not being your true self -- and only as long as you allow him to use you (through his projections) as the trash can in which to deposit all his hurt feelings and bad thoughts. This enabling behavior, however, is harmful to both of you. It harms him because his only real chance of confronting his issues and learning how to manage them is to first be held fully accountable for his own bad behavior and bad choices. This means, of course, he must be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of those bad choices and behaviors. I therefore applaud your decision to stay away from him -- at least until he has worked on his issues for several years in IC with a psychologist very skilled in treating BPDers (an outcome that is very unlikely, sadly). 5
Author Oneness Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Downtown, I know you are right. I know his only chance is if he hits rock bottom and either falls apart completely or has that huge epiphany that he needs to get therapy and actually gets it. As soon as I am back in his life, he always reverts...because he feels safe...because he has me back, why bother do anything? It can wait...and wait..and wait...and then everything blows up again. It is unreal...he never learns from his mistakes, he never does anything differently! If I was his "everything," who he "loved so, so much, the love of his life," I will never understand why he couldn't use that as motivation to go to therapy! I think he lost his executive function...he used to be a high functioning borderline but as soon as I go back to him he turns into a waif! I guess I am poison to him...but I was also the only good thing he had in his life, the only one he could always rely on, the only one to pick him up when he'd get himself in countless amounts of trouble....it just hurts so much. Every day without him is an eternity...tell me it gets better! 1
Downtown Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Every day without him is an eternity...tell me it gets better!Yes, Oneness, it does get better -- but not in a steady, linear fashion. Instead, you likely will heal in spurts and starts -- making great progress on some days and none on others. And then there will be those occasional days when you wake up and feel like you are right back at step 1, having made no progress at all. When you get those bad feelings, don't believe them. They are only feelings, not facts, and the normal human healing process is somewhat sporadic -- not a smooth, linear progression. Hence, expect to continue having some bad days -- but you also can expect to find that those days will get farther and farther apart until, eventually, you won't be able to remember having one for a very long time. 1
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