AbhorredBeard Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Been lurking on these boards for a few days... I left everything behind and moved to a new city to be with my now ex and her kids. Everything was great to begin with, then her needy ex husband started appearing and emotionally manipulating her ( one of the reasons she left him in the first place ). Long story short, she let him in our bubble, gave him no boundries and the relationship ended up turning into some weird emotional three-way thing. When it got to the point where he was practically living with us the strain was too much and we decided to split. I wanted to move back home, she begged me to stay. I listened to her. She told me that she wanted to stay friends and that she understood that I would be alone in a place where I had no one else to go to. A week later she's seeing another guy. My calls and texts go unanswered. She tells me I can't keep calling and texting her all the time. I do admit to being a bit too frequent with calls and texts but in my mind I'm thinking that if she wanted me to stay and wanted to keep in touch why is she ignoring me. It got to the point I couldn't take it anymore and now I'm six days away from moving back home where I have family and friends who miss me. When I told her this she turned into an emotional wreck. She made me feel guilty for going. I'm so confused. Every time I see her she tells me she'll always love me, always wish it worked and get upset that it didn't - and then she disappears. She only seems to have time for me when she is alone. When she is with others it is like I don't exist. I find my self just texting and waiting, texting and waiting. I don't understand why she says all these things to me and then throws me away. I can't wait to get back home, but it seems forever away and I'm struggling to deal with constantly feeling like I'm being picked up and put down like a plaything. And what if she shows up before I leave? Part of me wants to tell her how much pain I'm going through. Part of me wants to cry on her. Part of me is angry. She text me just now as I'm writing this. I almost jumped and started firing texts back. But instead I gave a stock reply and left it at that. That's pretty good for me. I'm sure I can get through this but at the moment I'm slipping. i'm not sure if I'm asking a particular question, just getting it out there, reaching out there, for anything. Thanks
Satu Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 You should go total no contact with her. No direct contact with her, which also includes no replies or responses. Delete all messages from her and block her number. No indirect contact via third parties. No social media. No 'little birds' feeding you news or information about her. You should do this because it will help you to heal faster. Do not see her ever again. Focus only on your own welfare. 3
Light Breeze Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 God! This woman is using you as an unending emotional and ego boost source, very very selfish. What she basically wants is for you to be her loyal lapdog while she parties and sees other guys. Dude, that ain't love, you're being used. She's a first grade emotional manipulator so don't fall for her being all weepy when you're about to board that plane. Just ignore her or better yet just go ninja on her and disappear without notice or any trace. Then absolutely No Contact. Stay strong brother. 3
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Go home and let this and her go. She wants her cake and to eat it too. Be free to keep a relationship with her ex, a new guy, and YOU. Is this really want you want for yourself?? What she's doing to you is not love. It's selfish manipulation. Go complete NO CONTACT. Cut the strings and move on with your life. The pain will subside when you're back home with people who really care about you and you can see that you deserve better. 4
writergal Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Having been a plaything for emotionally manipulative men, I know exactly what you are going through Abhorred Beard. Exactly. Satu and Light Breeze and Olivia gave you good advice and they are correct: no contact with her is the best solution for your own well-being. Do not succumb to her emotionally manipulative tactics. She needs you for her ego boost, the same way a drug addict needs her crack. You are just a temporary form of relief for her, for whatever problems she's having with these other guys she dates, or other guy (her ex husband?). The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop all communication with her and move back home and start over. People like her - who psychologically manipulate - do it to to change the perception and behavior of their victim to gain something (usually the ego boost of power). People who psychologically manipulate you are smooth operators, because their subversive intentions or behaviors are concealed behind false statements that are meant to make you feel guilty and confused as though you did something wrong. You can't see their aggression like you could with watching someone get punched in the face, because they hide it so well. But it's there. Underneath the surface. They throw your defenses off balance by accusing you of hurting them or blaming you, or pretending to be the victim themselves when the opposite is true: you're their victim. Their intent is to back you into a corner, emotionally-speaking, so that you will give into their demands. Psychological manipulators will use these tactics to get their victim to back down; use anger to surprise their victim into submission, intimidation, diversion (they won't give you a straight answer but will change the subject), they pretend to be confused, they pretend to be innocent, the popular gaslighting you, they minimize your feelings, they guilt trip you, they blatantly lie to you, their project the blame back on to you, they seduce you with charm, (this is what your ex girlfriend is doing), they shame you with sarcasm to increase your self doubt, or their rationalize their own behavior by scapegoating you. It's happened to me enough times where I have learned to recognize it happening and when I confront the psychological manipulator, one of two things happens: they deny it and use one of the tactics I mentioned or they own up to their behavior and apologize. The latter rarely happens, but it has. Most of the time I have to accept the fact that the psychological manipulator will never concede and will continue to suffer from a terminal case of assHoLitis. Those kind of people go through life manipulating others into their social circle using those tactics. The truth is, none of their relationships with people are mutual, because the other person is their victim and either knows it and passively accepts it due to self-doubt and insecurity, or chooses to be a victim because they've been a victim of that type of abuse for so long it's how THEY socialize with manipulators. 3
Author AbhorredBeard Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) I appreciate all of the comments. writergal, you hit the nail on the head. Occasionally she will do and say nice things for and to me then will go cold again. Then when I get frustrated she will remind me of these things and play the victim, telling me that I don't appreciate these things and making me feel guilty. I feel like I put up with a lot during the relationship when her ex husband was allowed to wedge his way into it. She told me that the things that bothered me didn't matter, that I was overreacting, and I felt like I was constantly fighting against both of them. I understand he is the kids' father, and that was never an issue. The issue was that I could see he was always using them to get to her because he can't get over her. I feel that if something was bothering me, as my partner, she should have supported me through it and not defending him and telling me I was wrong. She made me believe it to the point that I took counselling sessions and medication to "stop my paranoia". I did think I was paranoid until I found out that her own family and friends also saw what I was being put through. Her family think very highly of me and have given me support through this but it's still so difficult. She knows how to turn things around, make me feel guilty and apologize. It's a vicious cycle: She does/says something that picks me up, goes cold and pulls me down. My attempts at communication get ignored, I get frustrated, then she gets upset and reminds me what kind thing she did/said and makes me feel like a horrible person. It's like she loves me, ignores me, punishes me, makes me apologize over and over again. Edit: Just thinking that she has had relationship and commitment issues her whole life. All the kids have different biological fathers. When we would talk out her past she painted them all to be horrible people. Always placed the blame on them. I don't think she ever once took responsibility for anything in her past relationships. It's funny how you only notice these things when the fog has lifted. Edited February 21, 2015 by AbhorredBeard 1
writergal Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 To borrow from your thread's title, Just Ugh...Abhorred Beard you are the victim of a psychological manipulator. Everything you posted about here, is proof that she uses manipulative tactics on you to get her way with you. She's a skilled manipulator because look what she's accomplished: she got you to put your sense of well being and self worth into her hands! For example, you went on medication to deal with your paranoia. Paranoia THAT WAS A NORMAL REACTION TO HER MANIPULATION. Now that she has caught you in her web, she can keep you on tap and consume parts of your soul when her ego is hungry - the same way a spider consumes their prey: they suck out the prey's insides, or literally eat their victim whole. Now that she knows you've been "broken," the way a cowboy breaks a green horse into submission, she can chip away at your self esteem and your identity until there's nothing left. Until you have been completely brainwashed by her to believe that you are worthless, that you are lost without her, that you need to change to please her. Dont...do...it!! Wake up! Smell the pesticide she's poisoned you with! There is nothing wrong with you. I repeat. There is nothing wrong with you. What you have experienced is total psychological manipulation by this woman. The only way to heal from this experience is to cut her off. Completely. Like everyone here has advised you. To remain in contact with her for any reason is only going to keep you hanging on a hook, like a fish after it's been caught. 2
Frank13 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I agree with everyone else. Having been in a similar situation, I can tell you that when you finally go NC, you will be surprised how quickly she forgets about you and doesn't try to contact you anymore.
Author AbhorredBeard Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 Thanks again for the comments. I need some advice on something I'll be leaving on Friday to be back with my family. I'm going NC with my ex but I planned to see her and the kids (not mine) before I left. This would mean breaking NC. I'll feel bad if I don't see the kids and that before I leave because I said that I would but I don't want to break NC because I feel that will be harmful to me. Not sure what to do.
writergal Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Thanks again for the comments. I need some advice on something I'll be leaving on Friday to be back with my family. I'm going NC with my ex but I planned to see her and the kids (not mine) before I left. This would mean breaking NC. I'll feel bad if I don't see the kids and that before I leave because I said that I would but I don't want to break NC because I feel that will be harmful to me. Not sure what to do. I think you can see her and the kids if you set boundaries with her ahead of time. By boundaries, I mean, you clearly state to her what your expectations are for the visit with them. See if she agrees to your expectations and then go from there. 1
Author AbhorredBeard Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 Thought long and hard about it. Decided to text her to cancel and that i won't be seeing her again before i leave. I feel a lot better for it. 2
Art_Critic Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 good for you.. and move back home.. emotional vampires suck the life/happiness right out of you. 2
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