Boyfriend won't invite me on nights out with his work colleagues

[love-struck]

Hi everyone,

 

I just wanted some advice/a fresh perspective on my situation.

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We have lived together for a year and recently (6months ago) moved to a new city for me to start a new uni course and him a new job in a call centre.

 

I have struggled to make friends and have felt very isolated. My boyfriend has made lots of work friends. His first week he gave his 30 new colleagues his phone number (half girls) so they could whats app him, he also has them and other colleagues on fb and goes on nights out with them every month. Every time I ask him about his night it always turns out he's spent it sat next to the girls or talking with them...even though half the group are guys.

 

Before the move he used to go out every so often with his work group and invited me out when we first started dated. As time went on I found he'd gone out clubbing with work colleagues (guys and girls) and although he was texting me he had lead me to believe he was at home (I was in work). He said he didn't think it was a big deal.

Another time while he was in the pub with them I phoned him up, I heard girls talking and laughing with him and then he hung up before saying anything and didn't reply to my texts for hours. He said he felt embarrassed to answer the phone in front of other people.

Also he told me that he didn't like the clubbing scene anymore, that it was all about people trying to score...he then went out clubbing for the next 3 consecutive weeks. He told me he felt differently as he had a new guy friend he hung out with.

 

Recently he was on his phone in front of me and I seen fb msgs from his female work colleague, I asked what they were talking about and when I seen it he was teasing her about some guy she was seeing and it appeared to be flirty. The time and dates of the messages were when he was in bed early and I was downstairs and when I'd left house. When I asked him about it he got very angry with me, shouting at me, telling me I had trust issues (I told him he’d put that doubt there). He admitted he'd seen the msgs earlier that day and replied when he was in bed and when I went out, he said it's a coincidence though as he never replies straight away.

He later mentioned he was going out clubbing with his work colleagues next weekend, I suggested coming and he told me it was work colleagues only (it's nothing to do with work though, it's just that work people have decided to have a night out), when I asked him why it would be problem he couldn't answer me, when I asked who would care he replied that he would. I asked if he was ashamed of me as it felt like he was trying to hide me away. I got very upset, he ignored me then later started shouting “do you really want to come out?!”, I told him to leave.

 

 

 

Before we moved we’d spoken of going out on nights out together with his work and my uni nights, but I’m never invited, he hasn’t introduced me to anyone, even when I pick him up on his nights out I have to pick him up from around the corner. I don’t know if I’m over thinking everything or are these big red flags? He’s told me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and no-one compares to me, but I don’t feel like I have him anymore, he’s in work all day he comes home and spends all his time on fb or whats app, I’m not allowed to talk to him if he’s watching something and I’m not allowed to talk to him in bed because he’s sleeping. I keep telling him how I want quality time but it doesn’t happen. I love him but am I blind, is this really a relationship I should continue?

[Buddhist]

That sounds like a pretty obvious attempt on his part to appear single. Pick him up from around the corner? Really?

 

I think you already know the answer to this one but you're not ready to accept it. If I were you I would quietly look for somewhere else to live.

[ivionthenet]

You don't want to build a life with a guy like that do you?

 

I think you should move on as soon as you can and don't wait for him to realise how selfish and what a coward he is.

 

A few years ago I moved to a new place with my long term ex, and we broke up and I was left alone in this foreign place without knowing anyone and now I have a bunch of amazing friends and a great job and lovely place to live etc...

 

So be assured that your life can get so much better once you leave behind a person who is just causing you pain.

[Zahara]

All big red flags. Unfortunately, when someone does love you, if you have doubts about their behavior and question it, they're quick to secure your trust in them and quick to protect your feelings -- why -- because they fear losing you and your trust in the relationship. When someone shouts at you and gets defensive, it's because they're guilty -- they're doing something wrong behind your back or simply enough don't care about your feelings.

 

He has a relationship with social media and his friends. You are not a priority but an option. He has taken you for granted. Yes, he is hiding you most likely because he doesn't want other women to see he is with someone/has a girlfriend.

 

There is no love on his part. Love doesn't shove you in the corner and ignore you.

 

Yes you are blind and no, you should not be continuing this relationship.

Edited February 21, 2015 by Zahara

[Mr.D.E.B.T.]

This guy is a loser. He is hiding your relationship from his work friends and probably others. Have you met the family yet? He sounds like a typical cheater.

[Treasa]

Kick his ass to the curb. If you can't do that, start with something small, like not picking him up after his nights out. Basically, you're a chauffeur and a mattress for him to fall back on.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would bet he's told his work friends he's single, or that he's got a cozy relationship with one of them and doesn't want you and her to cross paths. There is no good reason why you would need to pick him up around the freakin' corner. Why do you even agree to do that? You are not his dang chauffeur!

 

This coupled with your other concerns are big red flags. I'm sorry but I don't think you're paranoid. It definitely smells bad and it appears he's already checked out of the relationship.

[kendahke]

It sounds to me as if he should not have made this move with you as your relationship wasn't really as solid as you seemed to believe it was. Anyone who doesn't want to introduce you to his friends is a guy who is hiding the fact that he's in a relationship. I think you need to get clear on that point---he doesn't want his social circle to know that you exist and if that's the case, he should move out and live on his own.

 

I think that you can do way better than be with a guy who is ashamed of you.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I don't know OP, I don't think he may be cheating on you (if he was he would guard his phone like his life). But yeah - he should be including you in his life too. The biggest red flag I noticed was when he hung up on you when his work friends were around him at the bar - weird.

 

That being said, you should try and form some friends of your own, I think that the feelings that you are experiencing are magnified due to you feeling alone outside your relationship with your BF.

 

As for the guy - I don't know. You guys probably just need to get on the same page with each other. It's possible he thinks you might be clingy and he is trying to get away from you a bit?

[d0nnivain]

I rarely brought my SO around my work colleagues if we went out straight after work for a drink, but it was 1-2 & then home. It was mostly work talk too so an outsider would be bored. I don't do it as much any more but I still do occasionally go out. While in a relationship I have never gone clubbing with work colleagues.

 

There's no FB. There are no non-work calls after hours. Everybody answers the phone or checks in with loved ones in front of work colleagues. It's all very above board.

 

Similarly, I don't go chasing DH when he grabs a beer after work with his colleagues. I don't need to be part of their shop talk. I have picked him up from the bar across from their office if we were going somewhere that required me to pass that place. Because there is no parking I rarely go inside but I have & said hello to everyone to put faces to names.

 

Contrast that to your BF's behavior. What does that tell you?

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I rarely brought my SO around my work colleagues if we went out straight after work for a drink, but it was 1-2 & then home. It was mostly work talk too so an outsider would be bored. I don't do it as much any more but I still do occasionally go out. While in a relationship I have never gone clubbing with work colleagues.

 

There's no FB. There are no non-work calls after hours. Everybody answers the phone or checks in with loved ones in front of work colleagues. It's all very above board.

 

Similarly, I don't go chasing DH when he grabs a beer after work with his colleagues. I don't need to be part of their shop talk. I have picked him up from the bar across from their office if we were going somewhere that required me to pass that place. Because there is no parking I rarely go inside but I have & said hello to everyone to put faces to names.

 

Contrast that to your BF's behavior. What does that tell you?

 

Its normal to get FB messages from friends - even work.

 

 

Just because female colleagues are messaging him doesn't indicate cheating.

There are some red flags on the BF's behavior - I agree. But I don't think he is cheating.

I think there is miscommunication between them.

OP Says she doesn't really have any friends (sounds alone).

Her BF made a lot of new friends and isn't including his GF (not nice)

I think the OP is having feelings magnified due to her being alone.

Maybe she needs to make some new friends? Maybe her BF feels smothered by her and is trying to keep some distance?

OP do you do anything to keep you busy other than spend time with your BF or be alone?

[katiegrl]

What I am wondering is...why aren't you discussing your concerns and unhappiness with HIM?

 

The fact you are not comfortable doing that indicates a greater a problem than him excluding you from his work life.

 

He seems to be leading somewhat of a double life...keeping them both conveniently compartmentalized.

 

But instead of asking why he's doing that on an on line message board....you need to ask HIM...cause he is the only person who can answer this question...for you.

[Gaeta]

Before the move he used to go out every so often with his work group and invited me out when we first started dated. As time went on I found he'd gone out clubbing with work colleagues (guys and girls) and although he was texting me he had lead me to believe he was at home (I was in work). He said he didn't think it was a big deal.

 

Liar

 

 

 

Another time while he was in the pub with them I phoned him up, I heard girls talking and laughing with him and then he hung up before saying anything and didn't reply to my texts for hours.

 

Disrespectful and inconsiderate

 

 

He said he felt embarrassed to answer the phone in front of other people.

 

Immature and childish

 

 

he then went out clubbing for the next 3 consecutive weeks. He told me he felt differently as he had a new guy friend he hung out with.

 

He wants his single life back

 

 

He later mentioned he was going out clubbing with his work colleagues next weekend, I suggested coming and he told me it was work colleagues only (it's nothing to do with work though, it's just that work people have decided to have a night out), when I asked him why it would be problem he couldn't answer me, when I asked who would care he replied that he would. I asked if he was ashamed of me as it felt like he was trying to hide me away. I got very upset, he ignored me then later started shouting “do you really want to come out?!”, I told him to leave.

 

Again he wants his single's life back.

 

He knows you are lonely and having problems making friends. How much efforts would it be for him to introduce you to his friends? no efforts at all but he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to be seen as a man in a relationship and he doesn't want you to look over his shoulders when he's out there having fun as a single man.

 

 

 

he’s in work all day he comes home and spends all his time on fb or whats app, I’m not allowed to talk to him if he’s watching something and I’m not allowed to talk to him in bed because he’s sleeping. I keep telling him how I want quality time but it doesn’t happen. I love him but am I blind, is this really a relationship I should continue?

 

I am very sorry but he has checked out of this relationship already. You cannot convince a man to give you attention or to be in a relationship with you. He is NOT in a relationship with you, he treats you as a room-mate.

 

It's time for you to check for a free room on Campus.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Either he has an interest in a female collegue or he is embarassed/ashamed to introduce you. I have a male co-worker that never brings his wife out because he feels she is not "cultured" enough and will not fit in. Not saying that is you but it's a possibility.

[wb1988]

Wow you guys are all such single sided feminists.

 

If the OP was doing it to her bf you'd all say that he's needy, possessive and that he should give her space to allow her to have her own life and be 'independent'. You'd say that it's only messaging and what's wrong with her having a few guy 'friends'.

 

There is no real evidence that the guy cheated, all he seems to want is to keep his work colleague friends separate from his gf. I've made the mistake of doing that in my first job and you end up having too much personal relationship conversations at work and when you break up it gets awkward even though she didn't even work there. Also when you introduce your gf to your friends and she does something that kind of undermines you then suddenly all of your friends can treat you like that. It's exactly the reason why I never let my mom visit me at work, I'm sure she'll do something that'll make me look like a kid (like pinch my cheeks) and then suddenly it ruins the workplace dynamic.

 

How is the guy a loser, because he's smart by not tying everything in his life to his gf?

 

Pfff please.

Edited February 21, 2015 by wb1988

[d0nnivain]

Wow you guys are all such single sided feminists.

 

If the OP was doing it to her bf you'd all say that he's needy, possessive and that he should give her space to allow her to have her own life and be 'independent'. You'd say that it's only messaging and what's wrong with her having a few guy 'friends'.

 

There is no real evidence that the guy cheated, all he seems to want is to keep his work colleague friends separate from his gf. I've made the mistake of doing that in my first job and you end up having too much personal relationship conversations at work and when you break up it gets awkward even though she didn't even work there. Also when you introduce your gf to your friends and she does something that kind of undermines you then suddenly all of your friends can treat you like that. It's exactly the reason why I never let my mom visit me at work, I'm sure she'll do something that'll make me look like a kid (like pinch my cheeks) and then suddenly it ruins the workplace dynamic.

 

How is the guy a loser, because he's smart by not tying everything in his life to his gf?

 

Pfff please.

 

Separate is fine. Clubbing with work colleagues & always refusing to answer the phone when your SO calls is a problem.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Wow you guys are all such single sided feminists.

 

If the OP was doing it to her bf you'd all say that he's needy, possessive and that he should give her space to allow her to have her own life and be 'independent'. You'd say that it's only messaging and what's wrong with her having a few guy 'friends'.

 

There is no real evidence that the guy cheated, all he seems to want is to keep his work colleague friends separate from his gf. I've made the mistake of doing that in my first job and you end up having too much personal relationship conversations at work and when you break up it gets awkward even though she didn't even work there. Also when you introduce your gf to your friends and she does something that kind of undermines you then suddenly all of your friends can treat you like that. It's exactly the reason why I never let my mom visit me at work, I'm sure she'll do something that'll make me look like a kid (like pinch my cheeks) and then suddenly it ruins the workplace dynamic.

 

How is the guy a loser, because he's smart by not tying everything in his life to his gf?

 

Pfff please.

 

Glad i'm not the only one who sees two sides ...

 

 

Big red flag for me was the OP said she didn't have any friends (OK - I've been there it SUCKS). I'd expect a girlfriend to have her own friends to hang out with and keep herself busy. It sounds like she doesn't have any and is trying to latch on to all of her BF's friends.

 

 

I think in this case both sides have things they need to work on.

[Gaeta]

Wow you guys are all such single sided feminists.

 

If the OP was doing it to her bf you'd all say that he's needy, possessive and that he should give her space to allow her to have her own life and be 'independent'. You'd say that it's only messaging and what's wrong with her having a few guy 'friends'.

 

There is no real evidence that the guy cheated, all he seems to want is to keep his work colleague friends separate from his gf. I've made the mistake of doing that in my first job and you end up having too much personal relationship conversations at work and when you break up it gets awkward even though she didn't even work there. Also when you introduce your gf to your friends and she does something that kind of undermines you then suddenly all of your friends can treat you like that. It's exactly the reason why I never let my mom visit me at work, I'm sure she'll do something that'll make me look like a kid (like pinch my cheeks) and then suddenly it ruins the workplace dynamic.

 

How is the guy a loser, because he's smart by not tying everything in his life to his gf?

 

Pfff please.

 

A man does not need to cheat to be a bad boyfriend. The way he treats her, the way he lies, lacks respect and consideration, ignores her feelings, is unavailable to her to talk about her loneliness. All this is enough to dump him. Never mind his night out with his colleagues, this man is an over all bad boyfriend.

[Gaeta]

Glad i'm not the only one who sees two sides ...

 

 

Big red flag for me was the OP said she didn't have any friends (OK - I've been there it SUCKS). I'd expect a girlfriend to have her own friends to hang out with and keep herself busy. It sounds like she doesn't have any and is trying to latch on to all of her BF's friends.

 

 

I think in this case both sides have things they need to work on.

 

So you are saying his lies are justified? About his yelling at her? About him not wanting to have a simple conversation? How about hanging up on her? That's how a man should treat his girlfriend?

[Zahara]

all he seems to want is to keep his work colleague friends separate from his gf. I've made the mistake of doing that in my first job and you end up having too much personal relationship conversations at work and when you break up it gets awkward even though she didn't even work there.

 

He used to take her out often to his work hang outs when they started dating. So that point is moot. And if he wanted to keep things separate, why the need to have your girlfriend pick you up round the corner? How difficult would it be for her to walk in when she's there to get him, introduce her then leave? It's one thing to keep things separate, but another to keep her completely hidden.

 

Also when you introduce your gf to your friends and she does something that kind of undermines you then suddenly all of your friends can treat you like that.

 

Now you're just creating speculation to justify his behavior. And judgment of someone you don't know in that she may not know how to present herself in company? Maybe you're just projecting your own bad experiences.

 

It's exactly the reason why I never let my mom visit me at work, I'm sure she'll do something that'll make me look like a kid (like pinch my cheeks) and then suddenly it ruins the workplace dynamic.

 

This isn't about his mother.

 

How is the guy a loser, because he's smart by not tying everything in his life to his gf

 

He's a loser because he treats her badly. He lies, he shouts at her, he ignores her feelings, he prioritizes his social media and his bar visits, he doesn't invest time in her, he makes her feel bad for having needs/wants -- cheating isn't the only criteria that makes you a lousy partner.

Edited February 21, 2015 by Zahara

[wb1988]

In relationships I always keep work, family and usually friends separate from the gf. I've learned from my mistakes and one thing I've noticed is the number of dumb loser guys that tie their gf to everything in their life and then wonder why they feel like their life is falling apart after a break up.

 

I've been in the situation where I lost close friends, had to work in an awkward workplace and got unwanted pity & criticism from family after I broke up with a gf. The OP sounds like an ex of mine where we only had fights about her not integrating in every part of my damn life, like a cancer .

 

Just think if the OP was a male complaining about his gf, you all would be crying out feminism.

[Zahara]

In relationships I always keep work, family and usually friends separate from the gf. I've learned from my mistakes and one thing I've noticed is the number of dumb loser guys that tie their gf to everything in their life and then wonder why they feel like their life is falling apart after a break up.

 

I've been in the situation where I lost close friends, had to work in an awkward workplace and got unwanted pity & criticism from family after I broke up with a gf. The OP sounds like an ex of mine where we only had fights about her not integrating in every part of my damn life, like a cancer .

 

Just think if the OP was a male complaining about his gf, you all would be crying out feminism.

 

You're comparing your boundaries and projecting your own bitterness and bad experiences on OP's situation.

 

There's a difference between separating and hiding. One can and is allowed to separate. But not hide.

 

If his boundary has been to separate, he would have never included her and often mind you in past work gatherings. If separating is his choice, he can still take 5 minutes to introduce her when she's over to pick him up rather than treat her like a taxi cab waiting round the corner. If separating is his issue, it still doesn't condone lying, hiding, shouting, not prioritizing his relationship, denying her needs/wants etc.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Zahara

[katiegrl]

In relationships I always keep work, family and usually friends separate from the gf. I've learned from my mistakes and one thing I've noticed is the number of dumb loser guys that tie their gf to everything in their life and then wonder why they feel like their life is falling apart after a break up.

 

I've been in the situation where I lost close friends, had to work in an awkward workplace and got unwanted pity & criticism from family after I broke up with a gf. The OP sounds like an ex of mine where we only had fights about her not integrating in every part of my damn life, like a cancer .

 

Just think if the OP was a male complaining about his gf, you all would be crying out feminism.

 

There's a happy medium dude...or there should be. You also sound like you're projecting.

 

No it's not good to make you girlfriend the center of your life..but it's also very wrong to completely shut her out from certain aspects of your life too...like this guy is doing.

 

Read her OP again...objectively this time... taking YOUR own personal experience out of the equation.

[elaine567]

Before the move he used to go out every so often with his work group and invited me out when we first started dated.

As time went on I found he'd gone out clubbing with work colleagues (guys and girls) and although he was texting me

- he had lead me to believe he was at home (I was in work).

- He said he didn't think it was a big deal.

Another time while he was in the pub with them

I phoned him up, I heard girls talking and laughing with him and then he hung up before saying anything and didn't reply to my texts for hours.

- He said he felt embarrassed to answer the phone in front of other people.

Also

he told me that he didn't like the clubbing scene anymore, that it was all about people trying to score...he then went out clubbing for the next 3 consecutive weeks.

- He told me he felt differently as he had a new guy friend he hung out with.

 

Recently he was on his phone in front of me and I seen fb msgs from his female work colleague,... When I asked him about it he got very angry with me, shouting at me, telling me I had trust issues

I asked if he was ashamed of me as it felt like he was trying to hide me away. I got very upset, he ignored me then later started shouting “do you really want to come out?!”, I told him to leave.

 

Before we moved we’d spoken of going out on nights out together with his work and my uni nights, but

- I’m never invited, he hasn’t introduced me to anyone,

even when I pick him up on his nights out

- I have to pick him up from around the corner.

- he comes home and spends all his time on fb or whats app,

- I’m not allowed to talk to him if he’s watching something and

- I’m not allowed to talk to him in bed because he’s sleeping.

 

- I keep telling him how I want quality time but it doesn’t happen. I love him but am I blind, is this really a relationship I should continue?

 

In bold ^^^^^^^

 

He may or may not be cheating, but he has in essence checked out of your relationship, you may or may not be lonely, but that doesn't mean he can treat you worse than a room-mate.

At least with a room mate you could hang out over a cup of coffee sometimes and have a decent conversation.

 

He is shutting you out of his life and only interacts when he needs you, ie to pick him up from his nights out.

You have to start carving a life out for yourself, uni is a place where you will make friends for life.

 

Stop acting like a some old married women and start going out to uni events, start socialising with other students. They don't need to be your best friends, just people you can go to stuff with or go out with.

LTR when you are young, come and go, do not hang onto this loser.

YOU are not allowed to talk to him??? Tell him to get lost.

Find somewhere else to live or kick him out and start acting like the student you are.

[Gary S]

Why not try to save this relationship? Don't throw it all away. Cut off sex. When he asks, "What's wrong?", then you can confront him, then he will be ready to really listen and change. Then you can have makeup sex and everything will be right in the world again. No guts, no glory.

 

Talk is cheap, actions scream. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. For best results, it has to be the person's own idea to change (or at least they have to think it's their own idea).