thorin Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I'm 22, she's 20. We're dating for almost a year. We're having sex, hold hands, say "I love you", etc, but she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship. The situation between us is that I fell in love with her and got attached, and she says she thinks she doesn't love me because she thinks about an open relationship. And she didn't get emotionally attached. She says it's because of her previous pathological relationship (2yrs). But it's been a year since she dumped him. She just says she doesn't want to get fully attached. But she also says she doesn't wanna end our relationship because she cares and got kind of attached either. So our relationship looks like this - we meet, everything works like in a normal relationship, until something happens. Either she goes to a party by herself, or she goes out with me and ignores me, or dances with other dudes, whatever. It's like, she doesn't do anything wrong, no kissing, or ****ing with others than me, but there are those small things that show she's not attached to me. For example, I wouldn't even want to talk to other girls at a party. She sees no problem with even hugging my male-friends. I'd want to only talk to her, and she's ok ignoring me the whole time. I check fb every 5 min to see if she wrote something, she's ok with a couple-of-hours silence. Yet when I tell her I wanna end this, she says she understands me (she knows me pretty well), but doesn't wanna end this. I really like her, like talking to her, having sex with her, but I don't wanna live thinking she will cheat on me, and won't even consider it cheating (we're not in a formal relationship!). What should I do? Grow some balls, and don't care about that, or rather tell her I AM ending this relationship, and she's free to go? Thanks a lot!
Arieswoman Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 thorin, Grow some balls, - good idea. tell her I AM ending this relationship, and she's free to go? - even better idea.
Buddhist Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 she thinks about an open relationship. And she didn't get emotionally attached. Do you want an open relationship? She says it's because of her previous pathological relationship (2yrs). This is absolute rubbish, she's 20 and wants to sleep with other men. That's all it is. Any residual issues she has are her responsibility to address outside the confines of a relationship with another person. Don't own her stuff, don't even entertain it. But she also says she doesn't wanna end our relationship because she cares I rather suspect this is also rubbish because of the way you say she treats you. I don't think she cares, I think she just wants to sleep with other men while still keeping the security of a stable relationship and not leave it. Unless you are fine with an open relationship (and it doesn't sound like you are), she will have to sleep with other men while she is single because you have no desire to entertain her ideas. The only thing for you to do now is tell her exactly that.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 The good thing here is that she's been very honest with you about what she wants, and how she feels. Don't expect her to change, or wait around hoping it will happen. You'll only be disappointed. Sometime later, she might want a "Mr. Right" and until then, you're "Mr Right Now". Now you just have to decide if you can live with it. If it's what you want. Because you're writing here, we can assume that you're not happy with the arrangement as it is. Which will make sense to a lot of people. If you feel that this arrangement is not for you, and makes you unhappy, then I'm afraid you'll have to end it. She probably won't as long as you don't ask any more of her and accept her limitations on the relationship. If you demand more, she'll probably break up wiht you eventually. Or you can decide it's not worth trying and go on your way. This is one of those times in life when you just have to accept the limitations of the other person, and decide for yourself if it's worth sticking around for. 1
Author thorin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Uh, I will break up with her, thats too much already. But its difficult to break up with someone, without having other options.
Buddhist Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Uh, I will break up with her, thats too much already. But its difficult to break up with someone, without having other options. Why? You'll be perfectly fine single for a little while, and probably better for it.
Dallers Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) OP although you think she is not doing anything with other guys there are a lot of us here with real world experience who can firmly tell you that she most definitely is doing a lot more than you think. A lot more. If she only wanted to be with you she would, which means she is seeing other guys. You clearly really like this girl and respect her wishes but you want to be with her and she wants to use you as a backup while she has fun with other guys and eventually if Mr right comes along you will be discarded. It is really easy when you are in love with someone to turn a blind eye and tell yourself that she is not doing this or that and it is harmless. It never is, don't beat yourself up about it or feel weak or pathetic as a man because any man no matter how tough in your situation would feel exactly the same. This is a learning curve for you, want to become stronger? more confident and in control of your life? Walk away and when she comes running turn a blind eye on her and let her suffer. End it on your terms not when you are eventually discarded and you will save yourself so much pain. Also work on you, you are young so head out with friends, work on your body and aesthetics and learn to love yourself. Nobody needs anyone when they are truly in control of their life. Certainly not this girl. Edited February 21, 2015 by Dallers
Emilia Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I think OP that your definition of relationship is suffocating. You don't have to respond to anyone's fb within 5 minutes, it's perfectly fine to talk to girls at a party. I don't know what your girlfriend means exactly by an open relationship but so far what you have written is a demonstration of greater independence: talking to others (though it's wrong to ignore you unless you insist on constantly being joined at the hip), not sitting by the phone expecting your text, going out with her friends without you, dancing with other guys as well (as long as there is nothing more). If you think a relationship is about being together 100% all the time, doing everything together, excluding everyone else, that will be too much and too suffocating for most people. It's not healthy. 1
Author thorin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) Yes, I know that, and these are my arguments for not dumping her - why wouldnt I let her go to parties without me, if she tells me she hasnt been kissing or sleeping with anyone but me. It wouldnt be a problem if not her telling me she doesnt want a formal relationship, and she doesnt know what she feels, and she didnt get 100% emotionally attached to me, and she would be perfectly fine if I dated other women Thats why Im still considering a break up, but not sure about it. But if you really tell me she'll find someone eventually, or sleep with someone, then I guess a break up is indeed a good option. At least she tells me everything - she told me she thought that eventually she will get attached, but she didnt, and its not her fault. Edited February 21, 2015 by thorin
Author thorin Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 I've been at her place to tell her I'm ending this. She told me I treat her like a bitch because I think she's done something at the party, that I don't trust her, and how she likes me and doesn't wanna end this. Yet at the same time she tells me to go out and meet other women etc... Why does this have to be so f*cked up?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) OP Shes not relationship material, so stop seeing her that way. If she's hot and you want to keep having sex with her, tell her you just want to be FWB and feel free to pursue other women. You need to stand up for what you believe in. You come across as a pushover. Edited February 23, 2015 by barcode88
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