jupiter7 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I'm not new to dating, in my late thirties with a couple of 7 year relationships behind me. I am usually pretty tuned in to my radar and trust myself in my dating decisions so I rarely get into tricky situations anymore. So rarely I don't know what to do and have arrived here! Over the last couple of months I have had a crappy time. Family trouble, work trouble, new job, car accident. Just one of those really unlucky runs. Into this mess when I am feeling fragile arrives someone so like me it is scary. We have the same birthday, mannerisms, sense of humour. We laughed every second we were together, and had chemistry off the charts. He came on REALLY strong, and I know things that start out too fast tend to burn out, so I told him loads I was worried about this happening and tried to slow it down. We went on a heap of dates during the time I was off work due to my car accident, but when I went back to work it became tough to see each other - I work days and he works nights. He has a daughter, and wanted us to meet, as it would have let us spend more time together, but I wasn't quite ready after just a few weeks, and told him so. One morning, we had a misunderstanding - I had thought I was spending the day with him, he hadn't thought so, and I got upset, because it was way too much going on in my life at once, new job, still recovering physically, then this whirlwind arriving in my life, pushing past all my boundaries, then suddenly having no time to see each other. After a couple of days, he texted to say "he's been out with lots of crazy women and me getting upset raised a major red flag for him" and it was over. So it's over. I still don't really know how it happened, he was so into it, asked me to be exclusive etc. I never wanted an instant relationship -he pushed for it then vanished. While I know I don't need someone who ignores my boundaries then vanishes at the first sign of difficulty, I also know that people that make you feel this way only come along once a decade or so (for me anyway) What do you all think: would it have always turned out this way, or could we have made it work in other circumstances? We got on like a house on fire until this weird event. I haven't spoken to him for a few weeks, I'm wondering if I get in touch to see if he wants to catch up for a beer.
Buddhist Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) Sorry to say it but guys that ignore your boundaries in order to rush love are usually manipulators. If he appears to be your mirror, maybe he is. Mirroring is a manipulation tactic. The fact that he's not just gone cold but done a complete about face on the relationship over one misunderstanding just makes me inclined to see it even more so. He didn't just withdraw for a few days to think things over and let everything cool off, he came back and told you the whole thing was over and it's all your fault. At best it shows an emotional neediness on his behalf to rush into a relationship so quickly, and some inability to deal with a minor upset with perspective. At worst this could be a game of reward and punishment in order to condition you into accepting an abusive relationship. I am extremely wary of whirlwind romances where you are the love of their life, their once in a lifetime connection. I've been on the downside of that rollercoaster and it's not fun. It concerns me that this guy appeared so faultless, you are right it doesn't happen often, that's because you're not seeing a real person. You're seeing a reflection of yourself being presented. How much about himself has he really told you? Or have your conversations focused mainly on the intimate details of your life and then glossed over his with a standard story and not much detail? Relationships shouldn't be causing stress and havoc in your life. Partners shouldn't be pushing their way past your boundaries, they should be respecting them. Why would anyone be in a rush for you....a virtual stranger.....to meet their children? Shouldn't they be more cautious than that? All just questions to ask yourself. Edited February 21, 2015 by Buddhist 4
clia Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 It's difficult to say without a little more information. One morning, we had a misunderstanding - I had thought I was spending the day with him, he hadn't thought so, and I got upset, because it was way too much going on in my life at once, new job, still recovering physically, then this whirlwind arriving in my life, pushing past all my boundaries, then suddenly having no time to see each other. After a couple of days, he texted to say "he's been out with lots of crazy women and me getting upset raised a major red flag for him" and it was over. What led to the misunderstanding and what do you mean when you say you "got upset"? What did you do or say? He may be flaming out and looking for an excuse to leave, but without knowing whether you indeed acted "crazy" or not (from an objective standpoint), it's hard to say. 2
Yookie Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 One morning, we had a misunderstanding - I had thought I was spending the day with him, he hadn't thought so, and I got upset, because it was way too much going on in my life at once, new job, still recovering physically, then this whirlwind arriving in my life, pushing past all my boundaries, then suddenly having no time to see each other. After a couple of days, he texted to say "he's been out with lots of crazy women and me getting upset raised a major red flag for him" and it was over. I agree with the above poster. What did you do exactly to make him call you crazy? This is important information in order to try to come up with a possible solution.
rester Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 To add to the other posters' questions, what boundaries did he push past, and did you have to communicate these boundaries more than once?
Author jupiter7 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 Hi guys, thanks for taking the time to read and ask questions. Well, the boundaries were, that I kept asking to take it more slowly, emotionally and physically, and he always had the answer that it seemed like we'd known each other so much longer than we had. I used to say that I wanted him to slow down and calm down, because he'd get over it as quickly as he'd gotten into it, and he'd say 'no I won't, this isn't usual behaviour for me, I know what I want'. I also made the point that it was a terrible time for me to meet someone and he said that he'd be my rock and support me. He also brushed off the three times I tried to have a discussion about contraception. Also, he asked me many times to talk about my childhood and I said I wasn't comfortable yet and then when I did he shut the conversation down as though he didn't want to know. No blame being laid for the speed of things though, as I was absolutely an equal participant. I thought he was great. Just, I always had those doubts and they were brushed aside. The main one was that I wasn't really ready to meet his daughter but he wanted me to - but that could have genuinely be because he had no other time to see me. In terms of how crazy I was - not too crazy I don't think. He'd been all over me non stop seeing each other and contact, and then he had not much time to see me for a fortnight. Which was fine - I was happy to slow things down but I'd been really looking forward to what I thought was our day together as a result. He said he hadn't planned that day with me, and I said that I was sure we'd agreed it and got very quiet and my eyes filled with tears. I wouldn't normally be so easily upset but was vulnerable. And then he had to go and instead of a big kiss goodbye I just gave him a peck on the cheek and left. Then I went home, went for a run, felt better and texted to say sorry for being a dork. Didn't hear for three days then got the 'think you might be too turbulent' text. I'm not proud of my behaviour, but I also think it should be taken in the context of everything going on and isn't worth throwing away something good for. I did say a couple of other dumb things while we were together, such as saying teasingly "can I get a back up boyfriend since you have so little time" I thought it was a joke but maybe not. I also told him I'd discussed having a child with a friend if I got to this age and didn't have a family, but I thought we were opening up to each other...he told me we were....
Buddhist Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Okay. Well if brushing aside your desire for contraception and him telling you he knows what he wants while paying no attention to your concerns constitute romantic gestures...... To me they are big red flags. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Okay. Well if brushing aside your desire for contraception and him telling you he knows what he wants while paying no attention to your concerns constitute romantic gestures...... To me they are big red flags. Agreed. There was something off about him from the start, OP. I think this would've happened if you hadn't had a misunderstanding. He would've picked a different issue to use as his escape button. 1
katiegrl Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Sorry to say it but guys that ignore your boundaries in order to rush love are usually manipulators. If he appears to be your mirror, maybe he is. Mirroring is a manipulation tactic. The fact that he's not just gone cold but done a complete about face on the relationship over one misunderstanding just makes me inclined to see it even more so. He didn't just withdraw for a few days to think things over and let everything cool off, he came back and told you the whole thing was over and it's all your fault. At best it shows an emotional neediness on his behalf to rush into a relationship so quickly, and some inability to deal with a minor upset with perspective. At worst this could be a game of reward and punishment in order to condition you into accepting an abusive relationship. I am extremely wary of whirlwind romances where you are the love of their life, their once in a lifetime connection. I've been on the downside of that rollercoaster and it's not fun. It concerns me that this guy appeared so faultless, you are right it doesn't happen often, that's because you're not seeing a real person. You're seeing a reflection of yourself being presented. How much about himself has he really told you? Or have your conversations focused mainly on the intimate details of your life and then glossed over his with a standard story and not much detail? Relationships shouldn't be causing stress and havoc in your life. Partners shouldn't be pushing their way past your boundaries, they should be respecting them. Why would anyone be in a rush for you....a virtual stranger.....to meet their children? Shouldn't they be more cautious than that? All just questions to ask yourself. Buddhist...I love your responses...you are so smart!!!
katiegrl Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 OP...I am sorry this happened but lesson learned for next time. When a guy comes on so strong like that, insists on pushing your boundaries and doesn't respect your need and desire to slow things down...he is bad news. Guys like this will dash into your life REAL fast...pushing for an early connection, sex etc...but will dash OUT of your life just as fast. Often with some lame excuse that makes absolutely no sense...which is precisely what happened here. The guy is a loser...block him, delete him and move on. So sorry... 1
preraph Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 The refusal to talk about contraception would have been a major red flag to me. I mean, how hard is it to say "I'll wear a condom" or "Why don't you start the pill?" That alone tells me he's flying by the seat of his pants. Why he's so anxious to introduce you to his daughter could be because he desperately wants a free babysitter so he can get back to life as a bachelor. I do think he may have been mirroring. 1
Author jupiter7 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I guess I was hoping for a different answer but at least I've heard something. I am not sure about the mirroring, I think we genuinely are very very similar, same birthday etc. But everything else rings true. Especially brushing off my requests to talk about contraception. I even said if he didn't want to wear condoms we could talk about getting tested, twice, he didn't respond which in hindsight was a pretty clear sign he wasn't planning on sticking around. Feel so dumb now.
Arieswoman Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 jupiter7, Feel so dumb now. No way are you dumb - you are one smart lady who listened to her gut and used her brain, so kudos to you. He also brushed off the three times I tried to have a discussion about contraception. Big red flag I know I don't need someone who ignores my boundaries then vanishes at the first sign of difficulty, ^^^^ x 100 This guy dumped you because you wouldn't buy into his manipulative games, then put you down by calling you crazy - that's just plain nasty. Be very glad he showed you his true colours so early on. Now you can block and delete and move on. I'm sorry this happened, but be thankful you dodged a bullet. Good luck x
bolase Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Don't feel dumb OP, we always gloss over the bad signs in the beginning. It's really fortunate that that minor incident made him run, before things went even further. 1
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