What games are these?

[grabaka]

I want honest opinions, and personal views on my situation. My wife and I were married for 6 years, and we were close. In time we ended up working opposite shifts and my spouse kept buying things such as cars to where she had to work 2 jobs. She offered to work 2 jobs because she wanted those things. We had 5 vehicles, yes she was materialistic. It got to the point where she was working non-stop and only had 1 day off a week where we would see each other. She would complain about working so much, to the point I told her to stop buying stuff so she wouldn’t be bound by debt. We literally only seen each other about 15 minutes a day because of each of our jobs. When she was off work we would run errands together.

 

She left me in November 2014, changed her cell number, started living with her parents and filed for divorce. She completely abandoned me and had no contact with me. When she left we weren’t fighting although she expressed she wasn’t happy just a week before and I told her lets work on things. The day she left she literally came downstairs to leave for work, and said by the way Im leaving you and divorcing you. In December 2014 I was contact by a woman who told me my wife was sleeping with her husband and her husband left her in November as well. I put 2 and 2 together and after looking at cell records they were texting each other non-stop since October. From October to November they literally exchanged 13,000 yes 13,000 texts between each other. They are co-workers with one another. After I found out the truth I confronted my spouse and she denied it all and said they were friends, although I knew that wasn’t the case. My wife slept with him on our 5 year wedding anniversary, they got a hotel together that night. It crushed me.

 

She denied it all happened until we reached a dissolution agreement and settled in court in January, the next day she came over admitted everything was true, and apologized. She said she didn’t mean to hurt me, which actually made me mad for her to say that….I mean really cmon! She said she was in love with him, he was there for her like no one else ever has been, and was her person. I already knew more about the other guy from being in contact with his wife. Turns out the guy had been going back home to his wife and sleeping with her still, and they started marriage counseling. I explained this to my spouse but she told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. I guess the guy started blowing off my spouse, and out of the blue my spouse starts contacting me for petty reasons like computer questions. Then the truth came out at their job that he moved back home with his wife, and they are doing marriage counseling. My spouse did a phone call with him and his spouse and the truth came out. I explained to her he used to for sex and played her, but my spouse kept saying excuses to justify it or rationalize it…probably because she is in denial or feels stupid she got played. Eventually she started calling me on her new cell number and texting me, a week before I had to move out our home for the divorce.

 

It was emotionally difficult. I explained to her I went on a few dates with a girl, and she led on she didn’t care and wasn’t not jealous. Then out of the blue my spouse asks me if I want to go to a marriage counseling session. It confused me because I offered that in the beginning and she said no, but now she suggests it after leaving me for another man and sleeping with him? She kept throwing it in my face somewhat that I was kinda seeing another girl even though she said it didn’t bother her. Long story short the last week before I moved out, my spouse offered me this to work on us….. She said we had to get fully divorced, live separate, focus on ourselves and become better people, not date others, and then one day maybe potentially we could start to date again. I said no, that was crazy and I felt like she just wanted me there for a potential fall back or she doesn’t want me to move on although she doesn’t want me. I truly don’t know, it confuses me the underlying reason. Another reason is I think she wanted to soften me up in case if she cant refinance the house within 6 months like we agreed, that maybe I will give her more time…who knows.

 

All in all I moved out last week, and its been a week since I have had any contact with her. Our divorce will be official and final February 26th. I wonder if she realizes she really gave up everything for nothing. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but I truly believe we had close bond at one point. I wonder if I will ever hear from her again, or if she will ever try to come back? I need to know because I need to mentally prepare because I am full of anger now because of all of this. So please give personal opinions and views. Thanks!

Edited February 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LoveMyCat]

What?? That is crazy, and I am a woman. She doesn't get to set conditions like that, even if you did want to try again (which I would NOT do). She cheated and lied for what, a year? And only is starting this up because she got dumped by another cheater? Honestly, do people never believe that a cheater is a cheater? She of course thought it was different with her, she was special, blah, blah, blah.

 

But listen, she will cheat again if she finds someone she thinks is a better prospect. Her being so hellbent on having so much (cars, etc) is a bad sign too. Sounds like she wants a guy with more money.

 

I say count your blessing, finish the divorce and date to your heart's content-but not her.

[grabaka]

Their fling started from this past October, until basically 2 1/2 weeks ago when the truth came out about him. My spouse swears that nothing physical happened until she filed for divorce from me, she said they didnt even hold hands. She's really messed with my mind because of all of this....man I loved her. And with her contacting me after she found out he played her, yes I figured it was because of that. I mean if he wouldnt have dumped her, she probably wouldnt have contacted me. But why would she for one try to come back, and secondly the offer she made on how we could potentially work on us one day. Most people tell me she doesnt want me she just doesnt want me to move on. My concern is if I have to expect that she will bounce in and out of my life occasionally? I hear that happens alot and emotionally I dont think I can handle that.

[Kevin_D]

Overworking, spending, cheating, lying, manipulation... Sounds like high-functioning bipolar disorder to me.

 

Is it possible that it runs in her family?

[grabaka]

She is very materialistic, and she loves money. She will openly admit that. Her and her family are somewhat unrealistic, and kind of live in a bubble of the real world. Her parents know of her affair with a married man, but I dont know their opinion of it. The hardest thing is the person I thought I knew for 6 years was a really good person. She even helped me become a better person. She told me she loved me and I was her best friend up until the day she left me. I dont know what happened, and how she could do this. My struggle now is if she will keep re-appearing in my life. Each time I had to see her (court) it would rip the "scab" off my healing and I would start hurting so bad. When I see her I visually see the girl I was head over heals over, but her actions are of someone I do not know. She told me she doesnt expect me to forgive her, and if the roles was reversed and that I did to her what she did to me she would never have anything to do with me. When I told her I wouldnt accept her offer of potentially working on us one day in the future, I said if I did all of this to you that you wouldnt even be here, she said I was right. I feel like she literally is lost, like lost her mind. I just need to prepare if she ever shows up on my doorstep....Im hurt, emotionally drained, confused...but she's still got my heart and I love her even though she did all that to me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Most people tell me she doesnt want me she just doesnt want me to move on. My concern is if I have to expect that she will bounce in and out of my life occasionally? I hear that happens alot and emotionally I dont think I can handle that.

 

Wouldn't that be up to you ???

 

If you don't want to see her (understandably so), don't answer the door, return calls, texts or email and block her on social media. Tell her any communication goes through your lawyer.

 

You don't mention kids, if you had them together that would be the only reason to stay in contact. She sounds narcissistic, manipulative and cold. Not the kind of person I'd want to hang with...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolablue17]

I think you're doing fine by not letting her to rock you from side to side. Her reasons for what she did and does are irrelevant. She does what she thinks is best for her and she's trying to manipulate all the little pieces in the world to her benefit. Maybe you are no a little piece but you are definitely an "item" in her complex world.

 

I would say just drop it, it's over. Why would you take back a cheater and a liar who wants you as a backup plan or even as a third priority for her? How could you trust her again when she continue lying to you after you found out about her affair?

 

If however you do consider taking her back, make sure to lead it your own way. complete your divorce, continue dating you girl (or other girls and maybe you will fall in love) while keeping in touch with your Ex.

 

And only then, after you feel the timing is right, and you see she was waiting for you for a long time to take her back, you can really consider that. It is very important that your Ex will wait a long period and make many efforts to have you back, If you make your self easy, this reconciliation will worth nothing.

[justaplottwist]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

I agree with Mr. Lucky, she sounds very narcissistic. Not an "official" diagnosis...but the way she has acted, responded, and continues to behave is very characteristic of a narcissist.

 

They love to "cake-eat". Which means that since she knows that you still have feelings...even if slightly detected...it's a chance for her to keep you hooked. And they do.....until you let them know that's not an option.

 

Your "scab" analogy is spot on. That' why you go no contact or low contact (if you have children) with them. Their behavior is VERY VERY confusing and often filled with mixed messages which can mess deeply with your healing. I know...I lived it.

 

The best thing I did was keep my interactions with my stbx to only my child. Period. No chats. No friendly emails......just strictly business about my child.

 

Otherwise, your brain literally starts back up again trying to figure out what is going on and you can lose DAYS of healing. Your brain can't figure it out because what they do doesn't make sense to someone who doesn't think like they do.

 

She made a choice. You deserve someone who loves YOU and only you. You should never be someone's back up plan. That's not love. That's selfishness and manipulation. And it's not healthy...at....all.

 

It's hard. But only because your brain has not healed your attachment yet. When it does....and it takes time....the brain works at it's own pace...you'll wonder what the heck you were doing trying to make it work with someone so selfish.

 

I did. But it was when I decided to love me and my child more than the selfish behaviors of someone who I "thought" cared about us.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. You will get through it.

 

Oh...and you will go through a myriad of emotions.....until you are healed. All normal. Anger. Relief. Sadness. Sudden bursts of crying. Happy. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It's your brain healing....and it's a bumpy ride. A long, bumpy ride.

Edited February 21, 2015 by justaplottwist

[grabaka]

justaplottwist-

 

We have no children. She always was the one to be strong during our rough patches and help us find a way to work it through. Even to this day I know in her heart she is a good girl, she just lost reality at some point during all of this. I told her the last time I seen her (last Tuesday when she showed up at the house), that once I move out I'm gone I will not have any contact with her again...no calls, texts or emails. She kinda got snippy,then left. 30 minutes later she texts saying she misses sleeping by me at night, it gave her comfort. I didnt reply. She texted me the next day something petty like her laptop was messed up, I didnt reply. That was the last time I heard from her. Its been a week and 3 days. But everyday I wonder if Im going to get an email, a call, a text, a letter in the mail etc. It worries me for healing purposes. And sadly even though I want to heal and not have contact because that will prolong my healing, part of me wants her to contact me and show she messed up, that she sorry and wants me. I guess its for closure reasons....I dont know if that makes sense.

Edited February 21, 2015 by grabaka