cdnm Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 So, I'm not really sure where to post this, so I'm posting it here. My boyfriend is away for the week with his ex-wife and kids for school vacation. This is not the first time they have vacationed as a family together since the divorce. I know that I will receive replies that either say what he's doing is great or what he's doing is horrible. That's really not why I'm posting. I guess I'm just looking for support that I'm not being unreasonable in feeling the way I do about it and that I'm doing the right thing. Let me start by saying that I actually understand the desire to give the kids a family vacation memory and I try my best to support that. On the other hand, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that these vacations are hard for me emotionally. To make matters worse, the way he communicates with me about the vacations is always crap. I can never seem to get a straight answer about where they are going or what they are doing. Sometimes I don't even know that they're going away as a family at all until he calls me from his car while he's on the way! It's kind of hard not to feel completely disrespected by this. One of the things that particularly bothers me about the vacations is the sleeping arrangements. At a bare minimum, I feel that as his girlfriend, I have a right to insist he get a separate room. He seems to think getting one room together is no big deal. He's even gone as far as to tell me that if he slept with his ex-wife in the same bed that it wouldn't be that big of a deal because they're divorced and nothing would happen. After questioning him about the sleeping arrangements on this latest trip, he finally admitted to me that they are getting one room together. When I asked him how that was going to work, he told me one of the kids would sleep with one parent in one bed and the other kid would sleep with the other parent in the other bed. This might make sense to me if the kids were small. They are teenage boys. This makes me really uncomfortable. I think he knows that I'm upset because he's been texting me for the last two days and sending me photos of his trip. I'm basically been ignoring his texts because I feel like if I reply it sends him the message that how he's handled this is OK with me, which it isn't. It sucks because I wouldn't want someone ignoring my texts -- it feels kind of immature -- but I've tried talking to him before and I've gotten nowhere. I just feel like this is the only way that I can be heard at this point.
Gloria25 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 And this is why I'm not a fan of dating someone with kids...cuz, fact is they have to keep good relations with mommy - especially for the sake for the kids. And, imagine how it would suck if they go on vacay together and dad or mommy goes to a separate room... Look, there's married people who stopped having sex - yet share the same bed. So, doesn't mean he's cheating. They only way you'd probably know for sure if they're still boinking is how they act in front of you and/or others. When people have an attraction and/or are boinking, you can sorta "tell" it in their mannerisms - the way they look at each other, tone of voice, body language, etc, it's sooooooo hard to hide. Again, maybe a guy with "baggage" isn't something you can handle - just sayin'...I mean, that's why if I was seeing a guy who had kids - I'd only wanna be his "hamburgers on the weekend" chick ...cuz, when you put higher expectations to a guy with baggage - then threads like this get started. 1
preraph Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I think it is worrisome that he's still close enough with his ex that he doesn't mind going on vacation with her. Also, one parent at a time can take the kids on vacation. The main thing that worries me though is that he is clearly putting what you think about it way down on his priority list, and I think that says something. I do believe parents should put their kids first, but if they are going to have a relationship, they have an obligation to maintain some boundaries to keep that going. On one hand, the kids probably love it that they are all together. I would just be very uncomfortable that he was comfortable with all that and she was too, because it begs the question: If you like each other that much, why aren't you together. I'm don't see how this can end well for you. I think he may be having his cake and eating it too.
Gloria25 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I think it is worrisome that he's still close enough with his ex that he doesn't mind going on vacation with her. Also, one parent at a time can take the kids on vacation. The main thing that worries me though is that he is clearly putting what you think about it way down on his priority list, and I think that says something. I beg to differ... I hate how people split up the kids and activities - like they are pets. I mean, like the weekly schedule of living in one parent's home then weekends and/or two days/nights a week in the others? My fav podcaster asked a woman 'how'd she felt' about having to live in two different homes each week? Stuff like that just boils my blood. Children aren't luggage you know. So yes, a person with kids is gonna put someone they're dating as a low priority and I'm all fine and dandy with that. Actually, I'd respect a parent who did that.
Selfish Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I beg to differ... I hate how people split up the kids and activities - like they are pets. I mean, like the weekly schedule of living in one parent's home then weekends and/or two days/nights a week in the others? My fav podcaster asked a woman 'how'd she felt' about having to live in two different homes each week? Stuff like that just boils my blood. Children aren't luggage you know. So yes, a person with kids is gonna put someone they're dating as a low priority and I'm all fine and dandy with that. Actually, I'd respect a parent who did that. I think birthday parties and special ocasions, sports, arts, school should be a coparenting effort. Trips? I think this is sending the wrong message to the children and giving them false hope. If it was a big family vacation with extend family maybe.. Cozy family. Not so much. OP you are within your rights to be uncomfortable. How long have you been dating? How long has he been single? Who divorced who?
Gloria25 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I think birthday parties and special ocasions, sports, arts, school should be a coparenting effort. Trips? I think this is sending the wrong message to the children and giving them false hope. If it was a big family vacation with extend family maybe.. Cozy family. Not so much. I don't think it's giving the kids false hopes...cuz, IMO, you shouldn't be dating and/or re-marrying till their 18 and gone. I mean, we all heard of the Brady Bunch. But statistics show that 2nd marriages have over 70% divorce. And, while the kids may "adapt" to a step-parent, deep down inside they wish they had the original family together. I don't see it as giving "false hopes" to the kids. I just think it's trying to keep a bad situation as stable as possible. I also think that the parents getting along serves as a good example to the kids that despite differences, people can get along for the better good. I mean, in families is where we all learn about life - we may learn from environment and stuff on our own, but still, family has an impact on us. We go to work every day and for 8 hrs or more smile in the face of people we'd rather dropkick. We do it cuz we need money to pay our bills. Are your kids not as important as paying bills? Then, why not sacrifice and just "get along" with the other parent (unless there's affairs, addictions, abuse)?
No Limit Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 There's always a chance people with kids who are friendly with their exes have little "fallouts". You wouldn't be the first one to get dumped because after a merry night they decided to get back together for a month or two. It's a risk you will always take with him, and unless you send a private investigator after them every time they go on vacations you can only guess what they're doing over there. Nonetheless, it's not the healthiest relationship, obviously. 1
Author cdnm Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Thanks for the replies. Again, it's not the fact that he's on vacation with his ex-wife that bothers me. It's how it gets communicated to me -- last minute, if at all -- and the fact that he doesn't seem willing to consider my feelings at all. We have been dating for 5 years and they've been divorced for 7 so yes, I do have higher expectations than "hamburgers on the weekend." At this point, I think I'm entitled to know where he's sleeping and with whom. Plus, it's not that hard to find a way to keep everyone happy. What about getting a suite? Two bedrooms with a shared living area? How could that be any more upsetting to the kids than the fact that they live in separate houses the rest of the time? Plus, these "kids" are nearly 18 so I think they are mature enough to understand that their parents are actually divorced and that means certain things, like not sleeping in the same bed. Preraph said it best: "I do believe parents should put their kids first, but if they are going to have a relationship, they have an obligation to maintain some boundaries to keep that going."
Gloria25 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Thanks for the replies. Again, it's not the fact that he's on vacation with his ex-wife that bothers me. It's how it gets communicated to me -- last minute, if at all -- and the fact that he doesn't seem willing to consider my feelings at all. We have been dating for 5 years and they've been divorced for 7 so yes, I do have higher expectations than "hamburgers on the weekend." At this point, I think I'm entitled to know where he's sleeping and with whom. Plus, it's not that hard to find a way to keep everyone happy. What about getting a suite? Two bedrooms with a shared living area? How could that be any more upsetting to the kids than the fact that they live in separate houses the rest of the time? Plus, these "kids" are nearly 18 so I think they are mature enough to understand that their parents are actually divorced and that means certain things, like not sleeping in the same bed. Preraph said it best: "I do believe parents should put their kids first, but if they are going to have a relationship, they have an obligation to maintain some boundaries to keep that going." Well, if you've been with him 5 years and still not clear as to what the extent of his RL is with his ex, then maybe there's more going on about your RL with him than this trip. I mean, you did mention he told you about this trip at the last minute. Maybe he's hiding something, but again, maybe he knows you're gonna get angry so he didn't bother telling you till the last minute. Cuz, who does last minute vacations - unless it's just like a weekend getaway? Just my opinion, I wouldn't mind being with someone for five years that already had kids cuz I don't intend to have kids, be a step-parent and/or a surrogate parent for some guy's kids. Now, if I wanted to have kids, get married, and all that, then still, I'd wait till the kids are 18 - but that's a long time to wait. So, I'm not sure what you're looking for, but to spend 5 years and not be married is a stretch if that's what you're looking for.
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