KismetGirl Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Sorry if this is long...I've been up and down of relationships of all kinds for a long time. I mean really I have the worst luck with relationships ever (some are bad choices but a lot is just really, really bad luck). Anyway. I have an ex here locally that I've struggled to remain friends with-- he has been adamant about being friends after we broke up, saying he cares about me (nay, still loves me even) and that he's never stayed friends with an ex before but that he wants to stay so with me. I really am not sure why-- maybe he's afraid to date because he thinks i'll leave the country eventally and go back home, maybe there's another reason. I really had trouble understanding why we broke up to begin with aside from him saying he was "bad at relationships". I care about him still so I have made the effort to be friendly, despite the fact that it still bothers me a little bit that he broke up with me (despite still "caring" about me) and that the girl he is now dating is about 8 years younger than me, and he is moving in with her (despite telling me he doesn't love her, and doesn't see himself with her long term). For some reason because he never wanted to take that next step with me, it was a kick in the gut to see him taking these steps of moving in and etc with someone he claims he doesnt even care about. But, as I said, I've been trying to remain friendly with him. I've also gotten friendly with his brother, who is in all ways essentially his best friend. My ex is about 8 years older than me. His brother is only one year older than me. They look simliar, more or less. Not twins but you can tell they are strongly related. I live in a foreign country (with respect to my place of birth and where i was raised) right now, so both my ex and his brother are from this foreign country as well. My ex has perfect english and so that was never a problem for us, and because he has a perfect grasp of english he always "got" my jokes, sarcasm, etc for the most part which made our relationship easy in that regard. His brother is a really smart guy but his english is not as good. My ex lived in my home country for several years which is why his english is so good. His brother has always lived here and so he just hasn't had as much practice with it. I go out with the two of them for coffee and etc quite often. I'm quite flattered they invite me to be honest as this is their "brother" time and I'm the only girl they invite to these little meetings. I generally have good conversations with both of them together though his brother struggles just a tiny bit more with spoken english than my ex. With written english he is more adept (guess its easier when you can read). Lately I am noticing the brother is more friendly than usual. Offers to help me with errands of all sorts. More eager than usual to invite me out to coffee with the two of them. I was out of the country for a few months recently and just returned, and the last time I had a lunch date with my ex and the brother, the brother was much more...almost flirty with me than usual-- commented on how nice my new hairstyle looked, how my earrings looked pretty on me, how he can't believe i have trouble dating when i have x-y-z characteristics that are so desirable (which is funny he says that when his sibling, who is my ex, is sitting right there). The brother was just being much more friendly and eager and dare-i-say flirty than usual, and I'm not sure how to take it, or if I should act receptive or to ignore it. I find the brother attractive physically and he is nice. I don't know him well enough on a personal level to say if I am attracted strongly to his personality-- we have only hung out a bunch of times (even when i dated my ex), and always with my ex being there. I have joked to my ex once that i should have met his brother first, because his brother is way nicer to me and seems more into having a serious girlfriend, and my ex's response was sort of along the lines of "ew, you've had sex with me you can't go for my brother". I get what he's saying, but at the end of the day HE is the one that dumped ME. Let's say the brother and I hang out more and end up liking each other-- is it that wrong to give in to feelings just because i used to date the other brother? I dated my ex for about 10 months on and off-- not an infinite amount of time but long enough where we loved each other on some level, but he just never wanted to give me a serious comittment , and I guess in some ways Im angry he is giving some kind of comitment to someone else (despite claiming over and over he doesnt see long term potential with her). I don't want to go for the brother out of spite, please believe that-- that is NOT my intention at all. I just happened to notice on our last gathering how much more attention the brother was giving me than usual and if we were just a random girl and random guy I would absolutely flirt back and find a way to go out for a drink with him, and i suspect if we did that something might happen. But Im on the fence if I should even allow myself to be in that situation with him. I'm tempted because he seems nice and I'm really tired of being so unlucky in love, but at the same time I dont' want to cause strife between two brothers. I know some will say "no way Jose" to dating the brother/sister of an ex, but in reality, is it that bad if they really like each other? I mean, I can see it would be super effed up if I was the one that broke it off with my ex and then went after his brother....but HE broke it off with me (multuple times i might add) and his brother is the one that flirted with me. Is it really that bad if I respond? No insults, please. Just some constructive feedback, if anyone else has dealt with such a situation....curious. It's all speculation at this point, but I'm pretty good at reading body language and I strongly suspect if I was to ask the brother if he wanted to get a drink, just me and him, and we went, something would happen.
NJ123 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Just answer this question, do you have it in you to ask your ex if it's okay if you date his brother. Whatever the answer to that is, than there's your answer. If you do it behind his back, be prepared to cause a huge strain in their relationship, possibly for a really long time depending on how he takes it. 2
Author KismetGirl Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Just answer this question, do you have it in you to ask your ex if it's okay if you date his brother. Whatever the answer to that is, than there's your answer. If you do it behind his back, be prepared to cause a huge strain in their relationship, possibly for a really long time depending on how he takes it. I don't know. I sort of joked to my ex once "your bro is cute, and he's way nicer than you are to me, i should have met him first" and he responded "yeah i dont know, he really likes you for some reason", and I said, " well, maybe i should go for him haha" in a totally joking way. His response was along the lines of "ew, you've seen me naked, there's something wrong with you also being with my brother". He said it in a much more crude way than this but you get the idea. I mean, it was a joking conversation. I can understand the inherent discomfort. If I broke up with HIM and then he started dating my sister it would be weird, I guess. When I think about it that way it bothers me of course. But on this end I basically keep thinking, well, HE broke up with ME so what does he care what i do? Meh.
PogoStick Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I can somewhat agree that it would be ok IF your ex said he is fine with dating his brother. However, this instance just sounds like a very bad idea. Your ex seems to be a mess. He says you're amazing and still loves you, so that alone makes it a bad idea. The talk about moving in with his new GF but not liking her is another red flag. This is a guy you should want to get out of your life, which means you should avoid the brother as well. 1
Author KismetGirl Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 I can somewhat agree that it would be ok IF your ex said he is fine with dating his brother. However, this instance just sounds like a very bad idea. Your ex seems to be a mess. He says you're amazing and still loves you, so that alone makes it a bad idea. The talk about moving in with his new GF but not liking her is another red flag. This is a guy you should want to get out of your life, which means you should avoid the brother as well. My ex is a mess. I dated him for almost a year, and I've known him for over two years, and he actually HID from me all that time that he was divorced with two kids that lived with their mom!!! He recently confessed all that stuff to me. I digress. He's an emotional mess. I know he still cares for me but obviously not enough to date me-- he broke up with me multiple times, and we've been "done" completely since at least a year ago. His brother seems more relationship minded than him by far. I'm a bit lamenting I didn't meet him first. But maybe he's just as messed up as my ex and i just dont know him as well yet....i guess thats possible.
NJ123 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 My ex is a mess. I dated him for almost a year, and I've known him for over two years, and he actually HID from me all that time that he was divorced with two kids that lived with their mom!!! He recently confessed all that stuff to me. I digress. He's an emotional mess. I know he still cares for me but obviously not enough to date me-- he broke up with me multiple times, and we've been "done" completely since at least a year ago. His brother seems more relationship minded than him by far. I'm a bit lamenting I didn't meet him first. But maybe he's just as messed up as my ex and i just dont know him as well yet....i guess thats possible. Well, it seems you're going to consider doing it no matter what advice you're offered. But just know as I said it's highly likely going to cause problems in their relationship. You could do it behind his back without him knowing, but than that shows you're ashamed of it. You're probably better off just finding another guy. There's billions of them out there, you're bound to find one that you like that likes you back if you put yourself out there.
Author KismetGirl Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Well, it seems you're going to consider doing it no matter what advice you're offered. But just know as I said it's highly likely going to cause problems in their relationship. You could do it behind his back without him knowing, but than that shows you're ashamed of it. You're probably better off just finding another guy. There's billions of them out there, you're bound to find one that you like that likes you back if you put yourself out there. No no , not true at all--- in fact I'm strongly considering NOT doing anything, honestly. But I guess I was just fantasizing a bit about it today after being a bit surprised by how the brother has been acting towards me lately. Guess my curiosity has me piqued. But you're probably right. It's likely a bad idea that will only serve to mess up their relationship, even if the brother does make a move on me (which he won't do unless i give a green light im sure, even if he is being flirty). Ive been sort of focused on a guy back home lately that is uh....well a lost cause anyway. I'm a bit exasperated and want to just meet someone I like that likes me back that isn't part of some dramatic situation for once.
travelbug1996 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I would say find another guy especially since there's a chance that it won't work, then you'll be the girl that slept with two brothers. Not a good look.
MissBee Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Haven't read the whole post TBH... But my automatic response is, it's not wrong, but certainly not anything I'd choose to do. So many other people to date, it just seems awkward to date brothers.
Gary S Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Please don't do this... it could hurt or destroy the brother's relationship with each other, it could create jealousy. There are millions of other single men out there to choose from, and you only need one.... have a heart and do the right thing.
anna121 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I don't know that I'd say it's necessarily morally wrong, but I think it's generally unwise unless the former relationship ended amicably and there is no resentment/baggage. My read is that (a) you have unresolved issues towards the ex (not feelings for him per se, but complicated emotions nonetheless) and (b) you are more flattered by the brother's attention than really feeling a connection. I say leave it alone.
trolloperative Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Another vote for leave it alone. Your ex has already stated his distaste at the thought, not far fetched the brother feels the same. And I'd be weary of his intentions. 2
Buddhist Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Is it wrong? No. It is perhaps awkward and a bit tactless? Definately. Not to mention if you two really get on well how much fun are those family gatherings going to be? I personally wouldn't go there but it's a decision you have to make.
Raena Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 It sounds like you know that this wouldn't work out too well and that you really aren't interested in him as much as you make it sound. It does, however, sound like you are still interested in your ex and he with you as well. My vote is to NOT do it even if the younger brother is interested in you. Keep it friends only.
EgoJoe Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I think that if you want a truly rewarding relationship you need to reevaluate many things. Learn about emotions, boundaries etc.
Suave Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I wouldn't touch this with a 39-and-a-half foot pole. 3
Buddhist Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Besides isn't this an automatic violation of the bro-code or something? 1
Omei Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) So there's never been any relationship talk or feelings exchanged between you and this brother its all just thoughts for now. A good brother wouldnt date his brothers ex gf ever usually. If you asked you prob wouldnt get the answer you were hoping for from either brother. Edited February 21, 2015 by Omei 1
Author KismetGirl Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 You guys are probably right. In many ways I have residual feelings towards my ex-- I dont necessarily want to be with him anymore because he is wrong for me in many ways and emotionally a mess himself, but we do still have caring feelings for each other. Him and his brother are very close and it would probably cause incredibly strife. I dont think I am misreading the brother's flirtations. I'm usually dead on about those, whether they are a good idea or not. I think if I were alone with him and gave him a green light he'd make a move-- whether he would regret it later is another story. I guess I've been messed up lately emotionally myself and feeling vulnerable and feeling really resentful lately that people like my ex and this guy back home tell me how much they care for me but don't take action to have anything sustainable. The brother is a nice guy, who is single, without baggage, and it's really tempting to just be engaged with someone who is more...available than some of the men I've known lately. But then again I suppose him being the brother of my ex is baggage in its own right. You're all right. Thanks for the outside reflections.
Toodaloo Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I once dated a chap then dated his Dad... It was all fine though and they didn't look much like each other and were both fine with it... Completely different set of circumstances though... Doesn't sound like your situation is like that so I would back off. Stay single ad enjoy life for a while. You may just find someone else.
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