Will my abusive family become an obstacle in a relationship?

[AVarma]

For those of you who don't know I was raised in a fairly abusive home. My father physically and verbally abused my mother, me, and my siblings. My younger brother has unfortunately continued the family tradition and has been known to occasionally get violent with his girlfriend. As for me I've had anger issues in the past but I've never assaulted anyone. Hell I tend to get afraid at the thought of a physical confrontation.

 

My only concern is once I've been seeing a woman for a while and she wants to know about my background that this may become a dealbreaker, especially if she comes from a happy family.

 

Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

As long as you are healthy & she doesn't have to deal with them, it shouldn't be a deal breaker. Keep her apart from them if you can. If they are that bad, let her meet them once, then she may never want to go near them again.

 

If your family attacks her, as long as you stick up for her it should be OK.

[GoldieLox]

She may need some reassurance that you haven't fallen off the same branch of the family tree. Do your best to show her that you're not anything like them (which you said you are not) and you should be okay.

[Quiet Storm]

Give her some real examples of times in your life that you have been stressed and handled it well. Our family of origin issues often don't surface when everything is going well. The true test is how you handle conflict and how you cope. For example, when your brother and his girl argue, he resorts to violence. He likely doesn't know how to calm himself down in a healthy way. What will you do when you two argue? Give her some examples of healthy coping, like going for a jog or listening to music. You never had good models for relationships, and having a plan in your mind for what you will do when conflict arises will help to keep you in control of your emotions.

[preraph]

You either model after or you rebel against it. You did the latter. But a word of caution, likely you have some anger inside you that can erupt. My parents both had anger issues and so do both me and my sister, though I rebelled strongly against it. It is common to have uncontrollable outbursts that you later regret when raised in that type environment.

 

Fortunately, it's not that hard to get control over it and learn the skills to contain your anger and dispel it. It will teach you to understand that it really comes from fear and that usually when you're huffing and blowing it's not even about the person you're doing it to. Please go spend a little money and sign up for an "anger-management course." The courts sometimes require them, so if you have problems finding a good one or any one, contact your local court clerk in family or criminal court and ask if they can refer you to anyone who would have the name of an organization that offers it. The police victim's advocate might also have that information. Or just google it.

 

I know someone who would really lose it from time to time that is a much happier person now that he understand why it was happening and how to diffuse it. You will be fine. Let your mate know you are interested in getting these skills. Good luck! You don't have to be your parents. This is your life.

[Gloria25]

I agree with others here and "liked" what I agreed with...

 

I come from Krazy family and have anger issues, but I believe I've done pretty well for myself.

 

I'm also proud of a couple of my siblings too. They broke the cycle and that's one reason why I'm very supportive of them. When I see how they are raising their kids and the love shown by them and my mum - which we didn't get as kiddies - it brings warmth to my heart/soul and almost a tear to the eye.

 

So, not everyone who comes from a Krazy family will be a bad mate. Hopefully with the advice given so far in this thread you can show that to your SO.

[AVarma]

It's not just the abuse but my religious background. I mean people already think Muslims treat women negatively. I don't want women thinking they're going to end up in a real life "Not without my daughter" situation.

[CrystalCastles]

It's not just the abuse but my religious background. I mean people already think Muslims treat women negatively. I don't want women thinking they're going to end up in a real life "Not without my daughter" situation.

 

Only a narrow minded person will judge every single person by stereotypes. I have heard of abusive Muslims, but I also know personally, very kind, generous and genuinely good Muslims. Not every Muslim is the same. An intelligent person will understand that, and get to know you before they make judgements about your behaviour.