How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

[acuriousman99]

I've never had one before (And most likely never will), but I'm very curious as to HOW one has one.

 

I've been reading up on the concept for years and it sounds incredibly overwhelming. All the studies/research papers I've read show them as tremendously exhausting.

 

#1. How do you determine the proper contact frequency? Does contact have to be made every 12, 16, or 24 hours?

 

#2. Who initiates the contact first and how is this decided?

 

#3. How long should each date/outing last? What is the accepted standard?

 

#4. I know that calling is no longer appropriate for relationships where both parties are under 30, but does the same protocol apply to other forms of communication? (Email, Snapchats, and voice messages)

 

#5. When asking somebody to be your girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time, what phrase works best and ensures the highest success?

 

#6. And most importantly, how do you maintain power in said relationship? Every study I've read says the person who lacks power is always the weaker member, how do you prevent this?

 

Thank you for reading!

[EgoJoe]

Power is something the immature focus on, IMO.

 

 

Focus on boundaries and doing what you want to do. The right person will want to be in communication. I'm under thirty and I talk on the phone with my new girlfriend. Not too much but if we're not going to see each other that night I will talk for a while.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I've never had one before (And most likely never will), but I'm very curious as to HOW one has one.

 

I've been reading up on the concept for years and it sounds incredibly overwhelming. All the studies/research papers I've read show them as tremendously exhausting.

 

#1. How do you determine the proper contact frequency? Does contact have to be made every 12, 16, or 24 hours?

 

#2. Who initiates the contact first and how is this decided?

 

#3. How long should each date/outing last? What is the accepted standard?

 

#4. I know that calling is no longer appropriate for relationships where both parties are under 30, but does the same protocol apply to other forms of communication? (Email, Snapchats, and voice messages)

 

#5. When asking somebody to be your girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time, what phrase works best and ensures the highest success?

 

#6. And most importantly, how do you maintain power in said relationship? Every study I've read says the person who lacks power is always the weaker member, how do you prevent this?

 

Thank you for reading!

 

#1 ) Whatever you both decide on. Some like to contact frequently, and some not so much. Do what works for you both.

 

 

#2 ) For the first couple dates - the guy. After you start dating more, she should be initiating contact more. Give her 24 hours to respond to you before you freak out.

 

 

#3 ) It varies. The last girl I went on 2 dates with, our dates lasted 2 and 4 hours. Just let the date flow naturally, and if its meant to go longer it will - don't force things.

 

 

#4 ) Yeah don't call unless you're a phone pro (really good at talking on the phone).

 

 

#5 ) Ugh I'm probably the worst to ask this. My last (and only REAL relationship) was highly dysfunctional. Once you feel things are good between you , I would tell her that you're not seeing anyone else right now and took your profile down - see how she responds. Make a hint that you want commitment and go from there.

 

 

#6 ) This is stupid, don't even go there.

[acuriousman99]

Power is something the immature focus on, IMO.

 

 

Focus on boundaries and doing what you want to do. The right person will want to be in communication. I'm under thirty and I talk on the phone with my new girlfriend. Not too much but if we're not going to see each other that night I will talk for a while.

 

I don't understand, why the disdain for relegating power? Every study I've read on perfect relationships has a basis in power/who has the upper hand. It's necessary to ensure success. Why do you both not like it?

 

#1 ) Whatever you both decide on. Some like to contact frequently, and some not so much. Do what works for you both.

 

 

#2 ) For the first couple dates - the guy. After you start dating more, she should be initiating contact more. Give her 24 hours to respond to you before you freak out.

 

 

#3 ) It varies. The last girl I went on 2 dates with, our dates lasted 2 and 4 hours. Just let the date flow naturally, and if its meant to go longer it will - don't force things.

 

 

#4 ) Yeah don't call unless you're a phone pro (really good at talking on the phone).

 

 

#5 ) Ugh I'm probably the worst to ask this. My last (and only REAL relationship) was highly dysfunctional. Once you feel things are good between you , I would tell her that you're not seeing anyone else right now and took your profile down - see how she responds. Make a hint that you want commitment and go from there.

 

 

#6 ) This is stupid, don't even go there.

 

Thank you for the answers! Very helpful!

 

So I should specifically ask her how often to contact her? Ergo, we follow a schedule of sorts of every few hours?

[Frank2thepoint]

I've never had one before (And most likely never will), but I'm very curious as to HOW one has one.

 

Like a caveman, you knock her over the head, drag her back to your cave, and you have a girlfriend.

[runredlights]

I have no idea how I have a girl friend or even lived past 18.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I don't understand, why the disdain for relegating power? Every study I've read on perfect relationships has a basis in power/who has the upper hand. It's necessary to ensure success. Why do you both not like it?

 

 

 

Thank you for the answers! Very helpful!

 

So I should specifically ask her how often to contact her? Ergo, we follow a schedule of sorts of every few hours?

 

I don't know - maybe if you're on solid ground its something you'd talk about. But starting out I think its something that you just have to gauge yourself.

[Buddhist]

#6. And most importantly, how do you maintain power in said relationship? Every study I've read says the person who lacks power is always the weaker member, how do you prevent this?

 

If this is your idea of a relationship with another person you should forget having a girlfriend and hire an escort instead. Seriously, that's how you ensure the other person is always into you and will never leave you.

 

People aren't objects over which to gain control and ownership, but hiring someone to like you might very well be your best option.

[TheMidnightToker]

I don't know - maybe if you're on solid ground its something you'd talk about. But starting out I think its something that you just have to gauge yourself.

 

^^This man knows what he's saying but yeah really, I wouldn't ask about how frequently you should contact her. That's more of a go with the flow kind of thing. I've talked to some girls who love to be texting you every ****ing second (Which is rather annoying in most cases), and I've talked to some girls who would rather have their personal time/space. As for calling on the phone, I don't necessarily think it's weird to do so. A little outdated? Yeah, maybe, but who cares? I'd much rather hear my girls voice for an hour or so rather than read, type, read, type, and so and and so forth.

 

But hey man don't put yourself down my saying stuff like you'll never have a girlfriend, that's just unlikely as hell, there's someone for everyone.. Even if you're the weirdest guy on the planet, there's gonna be the weirdest girl too, ya know? Just don't give up, try to be funny (Usually seems to work for me), and most importantly try to be confident.

 

Good luck man, I wish you the best!

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Like a caveman, you knock her over the head, drag her back to your cave, and you have a girlfriend.

:laugh:

[mightycpa]

I've never had one before (And most likely never will), but I'm very curious as to HOW one has one.

 

I've been reading up on the concept for years and it sounds incredibly overwhelming. All the studies/research papers I've read show them as tremendously exhausting.

 

#1. How do you determine the proper contact frequency? Does contact have to be made every 12, 16, or 24 hours?

 

#2. Who initiates the contact first and how is this decided?

 

#3. How long should each date/outing last? What is the accepted standard?

 

#4. I know that calling is no longer appropriate for relationships where both parties are under 30, but does the same protocol apply to other forms of communication? (Email, Snapchats, and voice messages)

 

#5. When asking somebody to be your girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time, what phrase works best and ensures the highest success?

 

#6. And most importantly, how do you maintain power in said relationship? Every study I've read says the person who lacks power is always the weaker member, how do you prevent this?

 

Thank you for reading!

 

I like my girlfriends over easy.

 

OP, you're a regular Mr. Data when it comes to this, aren't you?

 

1) Like interactions with all human creatures, periodic scheduled interaction varies by both the individual initiating contact and the individual who is the target. Unpredictable, and numerous environmental variables will affect the time between interactions at any given moment. Like pi, this can be approximated but not calculated. Unlike pi, it is not a single value.

 

2) See #1.

 

3) See #2.

 

4) See #3.

 

5) "Will you be my girlfriend?" or some variation thereof, allowing for language, regional and cultural variances, has the highest success, in that it is the only question that actually allows the respondent to agree and consent to the formal arrangement. All other indirect methods generally result in imaginary girlfriends, or psycho bitch stalkers.

 

6) Like all relationships, one maintains power by having the least interest in the relationship. For example, if you are employed, and you need the paycheck, the employer holds the power of least interest over you. If you get a job offer for twice as much pay for half of the work, the employer immediately and involuntarily cedes this power to you, the soon-to-be ex-employee.

 

In BF/GF relationships, the currency in which this power is expressed is either love or sex or both. Because the existence and strength of love is involuntary and the skill and prowess of sexual expression is relative, this power is generally uncontrollable, and can be involuntarily transferred between parties at any moment. Sometimes, this power is maintained in equilibrium, and is expressed by both the boyfriend and girlfriend using phrases such as

 

I need you. I need you too.

or

 

I can't live without you. Me too!

It is important to note that periods of equilibrium are, by their very nature, temporary.

 

 

The emotional skills necessary to develop and maintain such a relationship are within almost everybody's grasp, but like all complex processes, study, training and experience will result in higher success rates. Failure is almost always initially encountered in early BF/GF experiences, unless interrupted by death; not everybody has ultimate success.

Edited February 20, 2015 by mightycpa

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I like my girlfriends over easy.

 

OP, you're a regular Mr. Data when it comes to this, aren't you?

 

1) Like interactions with all human creatures, periodic scheduled interaction varies by both the individual initiating contact and the individual who is the target. Unpredictable, and numerous environmental variables will affect the time between interactions at any given moment. Like pi, this can be approximated but not calculated. Unlike pi, it is not a single value.

 

2) See #1.

 

3) See #2.

 

4) See #3.

 

5) "Will you be my girlfriend?" or some variation thereof, allowing for language, regional and cultural variances, has the highest success, in that it is the only question that actually allows the respondent to agree and consent to the formal arrangement. All other indirect methods generally result in imaginary girlfriends, or psycho bitch stalkers.

 

6) Like all relationships, one maintains power by having the least interest in the relationship. For example, if you are employed, and you need the paycheck, the employer holds the power of least interest over you. If you get a job offer for twice as much pay for half of the work, the employer immediately and involuntarily cedes this power to you, the soon-to-be ex-employee.

 

In BF/GF relationships, the currency in which this power is expressed is either love or sex or both. Because the existence and strength of love is involuntary and the skill and prowess of sexual expression is relative, this power is generally uncontrollable, and can be involuntarily transferred between parties at any moment. Sometimes, this power is maintained in equilibrium, and is expressed by both the boyfriend and girlfriend using phrases such as

 

or

 

It is important to note that periods of equilibrium are, by their very nature, temporary.

 

 

The emotional skills necessary to develop and maintain such a relationship are within almost everybody's grasp, but like all complex processes, study, training and experience will result in higher success rates. Failure is almost always initially encountered in early BF/GF experiences, unless interrupted by death; not everybody has ultimate success.

 

 

 

Oh god.... So glad I wasn't eating/drinking anything when I read this LOL

[acuriousman99]

I like my girlfriends over easy.

 

OP, you're a regular Mr. Data when it comes to this, aren't you?

 

1) Like interactions with all human creatures, periodic scheduled interaction varies by both the individual initiating contact and the individual who is the target. Unpredictable, and numerous environmental variables will affect the time between interactions at any given moment. Like pi, this can be approximated but not calculated. Unlike pi, it is not a single value.

 

2) See #1.

 

3) See #2.

 

4) See #3.

 

5) "Will you be my girlfriend?" or some variation thereof, allowing for language, regional and cultural variances, has the highest success, in that it is the only question that actually allows the respondent to agree and consent to the formal arrangement. All other indirect methods generally result in imaginary girlfriends, or psycho bitch stalkers.

 

6) Like all relationships, one maintains power by having the least interest in the relationship. For example, if you are employed, and you need the paycheck, the employer holds the power of least interest over you. If you get a job offer for twice as much pay for half of the work, the employer immediately and involuntarily cedes this power to you, the soon-to-be ex-employee.

 

In BF/GF relationships, the currency in which this power is expressed is either love or sex or both. Because the existence and strength of love is involuntary and the skill and prowess of sexual expression is relative, this power is generally uncontrollable, and can be involuntarily transferred between parties at any moment. Sometimes, this power is maintained in equilibrium, and is expressed by both the boyfriend and girlfriend using phrases such as

 

or

 

It is important to note that periods of equilibrium are, by their very nature, temporary.

 

 

The emotional skills necessary to develop and maintain such a relationship are within almost everybody's grasp, but like all complex processes, study, training and experience will result in higher success rates. Failure is almost always initially encountered in early BF/GF experiences, unless interrupted by death; not everybody has ultimate success.

 

The problem is I don't know what those variables are. That's what I'm trying to figure out. I need to have a set plan in place that can handle whatever pops up otherwise everything just falls apart.

 

I don't really see it as being a question of timing though. It's more knowing their preferences and figuring out how to best complement them. I don't want to be a burden in any way, shape, or form, and following a tried and true system helps avoid that.

 

I don't want to fail though. I can tell you that right now. That's absolutely not an experience I want to go through.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

The problem is I don't know what those variables are. That's what I'm trying to figure out. I need to have a set plan in place that can handle whatever pops up otherwise everything just falls apart.

 

I don't really see it as being a question of timing though. It's more knowing their preferences and figuring out how to best complement them. I don't want to be a burden in any way, shape, or form, and following a tried and true system helps avoid that.

 

I don't want to fail though. I can tell you that right now. That's absolutely not an experience I want to go through.

 

Dude you're overthinking things. Just be yourself and have fun... Don't try to overanalyze things like I'm sure you want to.

 

 

Oh and be prepared to fail. In all honesty your overthinking things IS setting you up to fail - but everyone faces failure and rejection, so get used to it.

[mightycpa]

I don't want to fail though. I can tell you that right now. That's absolutely not an experience I want to go through.

Assuming for the moment that you're serious (big assumption), I can tell that you are destined for failure right out of the gate. The system you seek does not exist, mainly because people are both wildly different and irrational.

 

Therefore, I would suggest you get a dog for companionship, and a prostitute for your physical needs. Where have I heard that before?

 

That old joke about having to tie a porkchop around your neck to get a dog to play with you is not really true. Dogs will love you all the time. You will not risk your heart with a dog, and hopefully you'll know better than to do that with a prostitute. Plus, I think maybe a dog will teach you something intangible that you don't seem to grasp. The words don't exist to describe that intangible.

 

As to your need for human companionship, something tells me your persona struggles with that already. It would be most unwise to attempt to complicate your struggles with affairs of the human heart at this time.

 

A dog. Definitely a dog.

[Gary S]

How do you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend? - The simple answer is, it's a special friend you have strong feelings for, so you do more than friends... including kissing

 

A relationship is a friendship on fire, with romance and affection to turn up the heat!

[organizedchaos]

This is not a science experiment. You don't read "studies" or do "research" on relationships. You learn by experience. Making mistakes. Growing up. Oy.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Assuming for the moment that you're serious (big assumption), I can tell that you are destined for failure right out of the gate. The system you seek does not exist, mainly because people are both wildly different and irrational.

 

Therefore, I would suggest you get a dog for companionship, and a prostitute for your physical needs. Where have I heard that before?

 

That old joke about having to tie a porkchop around your neck to get a dog to play with you is not really true. Dogs will love you all the time. You will not risk your heart with a dog, and hopefully you'll know better than to do that with a prostitute. Plus, I think maybe a dog will teach you something intangible that you don't seem to grasp. The words don't exist to describe that intangible.

 

As to your need for human companionship, something tells me your persona struggles with that already. It would be most unwise to attempt to complicate your struggles with affairs of the human heart at this time.

 

A dog. Definitely a dog.

 

Oh god... I'm cracking up here :lmao:

[morrowrd]

Ask the girl to go on a date, if there is chemistry there will be more dates. After maybe 3, why not ask her to be your girlfriend. Then, you make the rules...most of the time, at least in my relationships, you begin to see each other "often" and communicate and text all the time. Moving in, at least with me, is a given after the relationship becomes established.

Honestly, it's not as complicated and scientific as you're making it out to be.

[darkbloom]

I don't know why you're trying to make sense out of chaos. One ****ed up person meets another person and they **** each other up for a little while. He will give me some emotional scars and I will take two of his hoodies.

 

 

 

 

The End

[MissBee]

There are research studies on what part of this exactly?

 

You're over thinking it.

 

I mean I do think there is a benefit to having experimented with dating as a teen so that you can get out of your head early on and become comfortable with the whole thing, but even still, it's not anything one needs intense research, study or training to embark on. It is very much a learn as you go organic process of communicating with the person you're with and learning what works for you guys from there.

 

Simply rattling off a list of hypothetical scenarios and questions is useless IMO as it can only be handled and experienced while in an actual, and thus specific, relationship. Every relationship I had was different in its own way and I did some things the same and others differently based on the dynamic between us.

 

Only upon getting a gf or dating a woman can you then figure it out...that's how most of us did, by trial and error and while dating then asking questions given a specific circumstance. Not by reading "studies" or asking a million hypothetical questions.

Edited February 21, 2015 by MissBee