SunnyRidge Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been dating 3 years. I am 39, never married. I have never wanted kids so marriage has never been a huge priority for me. I bought a home 5 years ago. I am also a "planner" by nature so saving money for retirement is a priority for me. My boyfriend is 54 years old, he is twice divorced. He was laid off 2.5 years ago decided that instead of finding another corporate job he would teach and play the banjo for a living. Banjo is his passion and he is quite good. He has around 10 students and does play in a local band. In addition, 2-3 times a year he will do contract work similar to the job he was laid off from. He has a lot of free time which he mostly spends playing the banjo. He has talked about additional banjo related things he could do to make more money (holding workshops, online lessons, etc.) but he really just hasn't done it. I honestly believe he has just become complacent with the way things are right now. He is fortunate that he lives in a basement apartment and his expenses are pretty low, so he is able to pay his bills on what he makes. Saving for retirement has never been a priority for him, and especially not now. He expects to have to work forever. His 24 year old daughter lives with him. She is in school part-time and works part-time so she is independent to a degree but still relies on him for many things. I have already realized that I will not be marrying him (and he is aware of this and says he doesn't blame me) but like I said marriage has never been a priority for me. I don't feel comfortable with him moving into my home either, for many reasons. I accept that our future is pretty much what we have currently, dating yet living separately. I do love him and am committed to the relationship and I believe we can have a fulfilling relationship in this way. Yesterday he was talking about the fact the he hopes things will pick up this summer and he will have more to do. He then mentioned that he should get started on those online lessons and I pointed out that he had been talking about that for 2 years and has yet to do anything. I do NOT mention things like this very often as he can get quite defensive, but I told him that as his girlfriend I would be remiss if I didn't point out that he was not living up to his full potential and sometimes you need to hear the stuff you don't necessarily want to hear and from someone who genuinely cares about you. He essentially told me to mind my own business. On the one hand it does bother me that he could accomplish SO much more and the lack of motivation is troublesome to me as well. On the other hand, maybe he is right, maybe I should just mind my own business and keep my mouth shut. What do you think? Should I express my opinions on this or just mind my own business? Thanks!
Buddhist Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 It's not your job to career coach him. Unless he asks for advice then leave it, people hate unsolicited advice no matter who it comes from. He probably feels that you are judging him, when all he wanted to do was vent about something. You've come to the right conclusion about your relationship. He isn't going to change and start living up to his potential this is the lifestyle he has chosen for himself. Protect yourself and your assets and continue to date him if you appreciate his company. This is as good as it's going to get with him. 1
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