Derek09 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Good Morning, I just found this forum this morning and appreciate the open and honest communication that I have seen. I am looking for some feedback regarding a situation that I am currently in and can’t seem to find a solution to with my girlfriend. We have been dating for 10 months and we have found in each other a best friend and confidant. We share a love between us that lifts our spirits and makes us better, happier people. However, I have an issue that I continue to struggle with and I need to understand if I am being petty and letting this keep me from continuing to pursue the future of what may be or if it is something that I am rightly concerned about. To give a little history, she was in a relationship for 4 years with someone who was abusive at times to her. She claims it was isolated incidents and that yes it included episodes of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse and he also stole from her. I tend to view it in aggregate and see that she was in an abusive relationship and it goes against everything that I stand for and hold within my core values. Though she would like to classify them as isolated incidents and wants to recognize that there were good times too. The issue is that I had requested early in our relationship that she discontinue her communication with him. To which she obliged but has resented as it made her feel like I was trying to control her. I viewed it that she was allowing someone who abused her to continue to enjoy the pleasure of being in her life. It hurt me that someone who abused my girlfriend was free to continue to exert whatever remaining emotional connection and control. She reluctantly removed him from Facebook and blocked is emails. She also sent him a request to quit contacting her as she was trying to move on with her life. He neglected to comply with her request and continued to find new ways to connect. I recently found out that he continues send her occasional notes through Pinterest (I had no idea). While I would ideally like to see him stop, what hurts me is that she continues to write him back which I think implicitly provides acceptance and encourages more. She has told me that it is nothing romantic on her end and she is done, and I believe her, but I am not sure what his motives are. We discussed it at length and she is fine with the communication. I feel betrayed and hurt that she kept it a secret and further that she doesn’t feel remorse for how it made her boyfriend feel (me). She does not attach the gravity to it that I do and has further told me that she will not discontinue the communication because that would be rude. She said that she forgiven him and is at peace. I have tried to portray a balanced view. This was not the only time that this communication issue has arisen and I have expressed my displeasure in the past. She feels that I am trying to control her by requesting her to cut off her communication and that she would feel and be rude. My view is that she has known since the infancy of our relationship that it was a concern for me and she knows in no uncertain terms how much it hurts and that she will not stop for the betterment of us. It goes right to the core of who I am and I just can't accept it. I am heart broken. I think she equates it to me wanting her to get rid of her past. That is not the case as she keeps in contact with ex-boyfriends and I am ok with that. We all have pasts its the thought of abusing a woman that is so foreign to me it simply defies all my values. Sorry for the long winded note. I am rather emotional and would welcome any feedback or suggestions. I sincerely appreciate your help.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Does her communication with him cause problems in your relationship - upset her or anything? I understand where you're coming from and I think she SHOULD discontinue talking to him. However she's made it clear that she thinks you're trying to control her and it seems like she doesn't like that either. I would back off and let her reply to him as long as it isn't causing problems with your relationship. Let her know that you care about her and don't want her to be hurt; however you trust her to do the right thing. Of course if this is going to be a deal breaker for you and isn't something you can compromise on - then you need to break up with her. It doesn't sound like shes willing to change her behavior.
amaysngrace Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Hi. Has she received any professional counseling or is she only getting her therapy by talking it out with you?....and him?...
PegNosePete Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 she continues to write him back which I think implicitly provides acceptance and encourages more Of course it does. If she completely ignored him then he would get bored and move on. But she is responding so he carries on. She feels that I am trying to control her by requesting her to cut off her communication and that she would feel and be rude. Well, you are trying to control her. She wants to carry on talking to this guy, and you don't want her to. Now you may have the best of intentions, and believe it's totally in her best interests to cut this guy off, and I would tend to agree with you! But you have to own your actions: you're telling what to do, which is control. My view is that she has known since the infancy of our relationship that it was a concern for me and she knows in no uncertain terms how much it hurts and that she will not stop for the betterment of us. Well she has made it pretty clear that she will not stop. So it's decision time I think. Either accept her "friendship" with this guy, or cut back on your relationship. I am not a fan of ultimatums, but make it clear that feeling this way is not acceptable for you, and her continued contact with this guy is a deal-breaker.
Winterina Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I think you are within your rights here. If you are a caring boyfriend, you will definitely not want to have your girl communicating with guy that beat her up and exercised psychological abuse. I see why you would get upset by it. I think she should stop contacting him. Is there a major reason to maintain the friendship with this guy? (like kids, or common bank loans, etc) If not, then he should go. Like this she is not just disrespecting herself but also you and your desire to protect her. I feel like it would be ok with you if it were just some ex... but this one is the one you have something against, and rightfully so. Make her choose. If you showing her some basic care is control for her, then she has issues. I would not want my bf to happily let me associate with people who abused me, it would mean he is not concerned at all. 1
Author Derek09 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Thank you for all for your honest and timely feedback. It is always interesting to see what other see as I tend to get blinded by an inherent bias. barcode88, you asked a question that I had not fully contemplated and that was, "Does her communication with him cause any problems in your relationship". The answer is clearly yes from my perspective, but I honestly don't know from her side because she had kept it hidden. I wouldn't be able to distinguish it or isolate it as a cause because she would never tell me. I further think you have succinctly captured my dilemma. I hate that a man that has abused my girlfriend is given free access into her life - and I wonder if this is my burden to carry or is that unfair to hold the weight on my conscious? amaysngrace - she has not sought any counseling because she does not believe that there was any grave injustice done to her. As someone that loves her and hears the details it is terribly disturbing to me but she seems to think it's okay. I believe that is a contributor to the problem, she does not assign the same gravity to the situation that I do. I know more about his business dealings through court settlements and further realize that he has flawed ethics. I am conflicted because you are the company you keep and to continue to want that is not fully understood. PegNosePete - You are right regarding the control issue. I am trying to control her and I wish that it would be her response so that we could grow together in lieu of me making the statement. I wish that she would have offered realizing the pain that it causes me. But she hasn't and doesn't so it has left me in this precarious predicament. Thank you again. It is informative and helpful to view your thoughts and self reflect. Much appreciated.
Author Derek09 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Winerina, thank you and you have summarized my thoughts very well. She has no kids together and she has stated that the only reason to maintain the relationship is because she doesn't want to be "rude". And further that we all have pasts and it is the Christian thing to do to forgive. I tend to agree but I don't believe that we are bound to keep every one within our lives and give them the pleasure of our company. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Derek - you cannot fix this girl. Many men have tried to fix a girl and failed. The only way is if she realizes there is a problem and seeks help herself. You can let her know that you love her deeply, and that it hurts you that she contacts someone who has abused her previously. If you cannot elicit a positive response from her by showing her that you care - you might need to dump her and move on. Sometimes it takes tough love (being dumped) to shock someone into realization that they have a problem they need to address. You don't deserve to stay with her if she is unwilling to take care of herself and put your relationship first.
smackie9 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 You are wasting your time with this girl. Her behavior is an indication that she is emotionally unavailable to you and always has been. She is still into this guy and you cannot force her to stop. If you started dating her very soon after they split, then that would explain everything. People need time to heal from their last relationship especially if it was one of a lot of intense emotions. She has tunnel vision, she is only feeling her feelings and isn't acknowledging yours. That's a big fail, and time to get out. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I am conflicted because you are the company you keep and to continue to want that is not fully understood. Maybe you're trying to save her? It's called White Knight syndrome. Or maybe you're co-dependent? Or maybe she's just a freak in the bed because she's a little bit cray cray and you enjoy that because you're human? It really doesn't matter. You know she's unhealthy in her mind and will not acknowledge it. She sees nothing wrong with being treated that way. That's a big problem. It's hard to have a healthy relationship if one person's not well. I think you sense that. I think that's why you're here asking strangers on a forum if what you are feeling is normal. That's what being around dysfunctional people does to you. It makes you start to wonder if you're the one with the problem. If defining boundaries for yourself is considered "controlling" by her then you two are really not very compatible I'm sorry to say. You would like to be treated respectfully but how can she respect you when she can't even respect herself enough to be done with this person who treated her so terribly? Her head's screwed up. And unfortunately any relationship she has will be too unless she can get some help for herself. But she's not going to when she won't even admit that she has a problem. You're fighting an uphill battle, my friend. My best advice is to recognize what is, not what you would like to be. And although you love this girl please remember who is the most important person in your life and is the one you should love most of all...yourself. Love yourself the most and do what's right for YOU.
preraph Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I'm sorry you're invested in this situation. You are in a "no win" situation. She can't say no to this guy and that's the very trait that is going to make her attract more like him as well as keep him around. You mentioned she stresses the good times with him. Yes, of course. Few people are psychopaths 24/7. What a lot of people and especially younger women and some older ones as well fail to understand is that just because a person isn't all bad doesn't mean they're good for anyone in a relationship. The other thing they fail to realize is just because there's a glimmer of good or fun in him doesn't mean that good will grow and take over -- because it won't. The abuse will NEVER stop and will get worse. These women are weak as well as idealistic. They still hold onto the hope that love can cure anything -- and it can't. Maybe if this abuser had had more love under the age of 12, he wouldn't be this way today, or maybe not, but it's hardwired at this point and HER love can't change him. You aren't just tasked with getting her to cut this guy out. You are tasked with changing her very core belief system, and that's too big a job. It won't change until she has lost all hope and had to come to some of her own conclusions, which may or may not ever happen. I think you have the right to tell her you are leaving unless she blocks this man every way possible, and when she points the finger at you trying to control her, you tell her, No. Like any other man, I won't want a love triangle and especially one involving an abusive man, and the only thing I am controlling and safekeeping is my right to expect a normal relationship. She probably isn't going to do it. She'll probably run back to him. Let her go.
Author Derek09 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Wow. That was eye opening. I appreciate each of you for taking the time to read and understand what is going. The consistency in the responses is a little scary. It is a struggle for me because my mind and heart are at odds. I have fallen for her and we have an absolute bond that is very special. My brain is very pragmatic and tells me the same things that I am reading. I have read a little about both the White Night Syndrome and the Co-dependent relationships but am no expert. I think I have and display attributes of both but not sure that I am fully aligned with either, though co-dependent would be the stronger of the two. I think that the person I am will always help someone as it is just in me, but what I need to realize is that I can't do it and she needs to be responsible for the change within her. I don't want to see her return to an abusive relationship because she doesn't honestly deserve that. She is a good hearted person. She wants me to know that the communication is not routine and is rare. And that she doesn't want him and if he never writes again she will never be in touch with him. I asked "what happens when he does write?" and she couldn't answer. So I think you are right. I need to take some positive steps for us and either she willingly comes along (not being forced or controlled) or she can find her own path. I don't think this will be easy but it will be better in the long run no matter what direction it takes.
Buddhist Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 She is caught in the abuse cycle still. All he has to do is make a slightly less nasty overture towards her and suddenly she returns the attention. She is probably unaware that she is still mid-cycle and believes instead that she's grown beyond the experience and has forgiven him. But she's really just in denial. You can forgive someone without giving them continual access to your life. The fact he is not respecting her boundaries is a big red flag that he will continue to be in contact with her for as long as she plays the game. He's starved her of his attention for so long that providing any of it, even after the relationship, is just too much of a temptation for her. The short answer though is that she will not let go until she truly wants to. You have to decide for yourself what you want to do about it. You can't make her get out of this cycle, so are you willing to accept this about her or is it a dealbreaker for you?
Buddhist Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 She wants me to know that the communication is not routine and is rare. And that she doesn't want him and if he never writes again she will never be in touch with him. I asked "what happens when he does write?" and she couldn't answer. There's your answer as to what her intentions are about this. Sorry to hear it.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Wow. That was eye opening. I appreciate each of you for taking the time to read and understand what is going. The consistency in the responses is a little scary. It is a struggle for me because my mind and heart are at odds. I have fallen for her and we have an absolute bond that is very special. My brain is very pragmatic and tells me the same things that I am reading. I have read a little about both the White Night Syndrome and the Co-dependent relationships but am no expert. I think I have and display attributes of both but not sure that I am fully aligned with either, though co-dependent would be the stronger of the two. I think that the person I am will always help someone as it is just in me, but what I need to realize is that I can't do it and she needs to be responsible for the change within her. I don't want to see her return to an abusive relationship because she doesn't honestly deserve that. She is a good hearted person. She wants me to know that the communication is not routine and is rare. And that she doesn't want him and if he never writes again she will never be in touch with him. I asked "what happens when he does write?" and she couldn't answer. So I think you are right. I need to take some positive steps for us and either she willingly comes along (not being forced or controlled) or she can find her own path. I don't think this will be easy but it will be better in the long run no matter what direction it takes. Derek, I can understand how you feel about this girl, and have no doubt you are crazy for her. Its the natural male response to try and save a girl in trouble, so don't feel bad That being said -- I think the best thing you can do now, is tell her that you care about her deeply, and that you're worried about her - and tell her why. She'll either open up to you and work with you, or push you away. If the latter happens there is really nothing you can do but walk away. 1
smackie9 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Helping others can be positive and healthy yes definitly, but helping those who are in her situation you are romantically involved with is very unhealthy. You are putting yourself into a bad situation if you stay. You are just enabling her to keep doing what she is doing......if she is going to get anywhere with this, she needs to do it on her own.
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