CAWoman Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 (edited) Well - I ended it. I fell in love with a man who was completely different than I. He's married (third marriage, in his 50s, grown child, lives out in the styx). I'm in my 30s, married well over a decade, two young children, city girl. Very little in common - we both fell hard. We both have loving, supportive spouses and we felt tremendous guilt. We both wanted it to stop but the emotional bond was strong. We were both severely abused children who successfully made something of ourselves. We could talk or text for hours. I never felt a connection to anyone like I did with him. I love my kids and my husband knows that I have been unhappy for a long time. He has started marital counseling, and since he is trying to make this work (without even knowing about my A), I feel a sense of obligation to try to give this marriage my all. So today, I cut contact explaining via text. It hurts badly. I do feel that I am grieving and somehow I have to move on. OM doesn't want it to end. Wanted us to wait for each other to end our marriages so that we can be together. That simply sounds like more pain to me, and I told him that I wouldn't do that. So now he says he agrees, this is the right thing. So here I am. Tremendously sad, heart broken and lonely with no one to talk to about any of this. Thanks for listening to my vent. Edited February 20, 2015 by CAWoman
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I would suggest individual counseling before marriage counseling. You can't begin to work on your marriage until you fix what's broken within yourself. 2
DKT3 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Well - I ended it. I fell in love with a man who was completely different than I. He's married (third marriage, in his 50s, grown child, lives out in the styx). I'm in my 30s, married well over a decade, two young children, city girl. Very little in common - we both fell hard. We both have loving, supportive spouses and we felt tremendous guilt. We both wanted it to stop but the emotional bond was strong. We were both severely abused children who successfully made something of ourselves. We could talk or text for hours. I never felt a connection to anyone like I did with him. I love my kids and my husband knows that I have been unhappy for a long time. He has started marital counseling, and since he is trying to make this work (without even knowing about my A), I feel a sense of obligation to try to give this marriage my all. So today, I cut contact explaining via text. It hurts badly. I do feel that I am grieving and somehow I have to move on. OM doesn't want it to end. Wanted us to wait for each other to end our marriages so that we can be together. That simply sounds like more pain to me, and I told him that I wouldn't do that. So now he says he agrees, this is the right thing. So here I am. Tremendously sad, heart broken and lonely with no one to talk to about any of this. Thanks for listening to my vent. Honestly, I don't think you should do this to your husband. He knows something is wrong and appears to want to fix it. But he can't fix this, your in love with another man. So at the end of this road you will resent your husband for standing in the way, even if its highly doubtful MM would ever leave his marriage. Unless you plan on telling your husband "ALL" the issues your marriage is facing, your just prolonging the pain. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 How do you fall in love with a man 20 years your senior who has little in common with you, when you are in a marriage with a loving supporting husband? It's an honest question - I'm just wondering how you got into the position of becoming emotionally attached to this man. It goes back to what IfWishesWereHorses said, that first you have to identify what is going on within yourself and why your marriage/husband wasn't enough for you. And do you really want to be married? And lots of similar questions. 3
autumnnight Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I'm not in favor of affairs. However, I do commend you for ending it. I am sure it was tough and very painful. I also recommend individual counseling. As far as your husband, have you considered telling him? I know that is probably a terrifying thought, but it may be really hard to work on your marriage honestly with that big elephant in the room.
Josmatjes Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 It's extremely hard to work on your marriage when you are in love with another man. I still have deep feelings for my xmm,7 1/2 weeks NC... My husband is trying but if it's not there its just not there. I have to refocus and forget OM and remember why i fell in love with my husband. I support you and wish you luck and happiness....
Chasing_mya Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 You took a great first step in ending your affair. The fact that you want to attend MC with H is awesome. It's going to take alot of work on your part but you can find your way back to your H. Consider IC as well to find out what's missing in you. It is possible to over come this. I know of some marriages that have gone through affairs and came out stronger because of it. It's not impossible to get through this hump in your life. You're human and we all have faltered in one way or the other. Keep your head up and know that you'll get through this.
OverIt75 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 How do you fall in love with a man 20 years your senior who has little in common with you, when you are in a marriage with a loving supporting husband? It's an honest question - I'm just wondering how you got into the position of becoming emotionally attached to this man. It goes back to what IfWishesWereHorses said, that first you have to identify what is going on within yourself and why your marriage/husband wasn't enough for you. And do you really want to be married? And lots of similar questions. This is a valid point. My xMM was 15 years older than me. We had our work in common; not much else. My BH was 'loving' and 'supportive'. Yet, I ended up in an affair. AFTER much unraveling done at IC, I've come to believe that this man appealed to me because - and I hate to say it - I have 'daddy issues' (and frankly, I've always been very hesitant to buy into this kind of psychology theory). Yuck! I don't view myself that way. I've always believed I am strong and independent. But the truth is, my entire life, all I ever wanted was to make my dad proud. I was terrified of disappointing him. I wanted to prove to him that I was good enough. And validation from him was very hard to come by. I NEVER looked at my xMM in this light, until now. I just know that the feelings and emotions I experienced throughout the A were exactly the above - a desperate desire to please, filled with anxiety when I didn't. I supposedly had the 'love' of this older man who was very domineering, critical, and hard to please. Hmm, the parallels. It just shows me I have my own issues with self-worth...that for far too long, I have looked to others, particularly men in positions of power and authority, for validation. The man I married is the total and complete opposite of both my father and xAP. Thus, this dynamic has never existed between us. There was obviously a reason I chose my H. Life is so weird.
Recommended Posts