Don't want to ignore ex-best friend, but don't want be friends again either ...

[mineral27]

My ex-best friend, who I haven't heard in a year wrote me again. I do not wish any contact at all, but can't ignore her either. We have a lot of common friends and just don't want any conflicts that ignoring would result in. What to do?

 

 

 

Some background:

 

I have known this girl since 15 y ago, we met shortly after her mother died, when we were both in our early teens (now in late twenties, obviously). We were best friends and I tried to support her in every way I could. However, the closer we got, the worse she started to behave and this was/still is the pattern with all her (previous) friends. (We have a lot of common friends.)

 

I thought with years she would grow and mature, I know she had a lot of personal issues and not the easiest childhood ... but after 15 years her personality and behaviour are the same, or even worse. She is beyond disrespectful to people closest to her and for last 10 years her attitude and the whole friendship with her had been just unbearable. In that period there were occasions when we didn't speak for months, but every time I gave this 'friendship' another chance.

 

A year ago, she crossed all limits and it was when we last spoke. She wrote me an email a few days ago, but I am hesitant to reply - I feel if I answer, she will go into her argumentative mode again (for not calling her the last year) and if I just ignore, she will still go into argumentative mode, but also try to drag all our common friends into this as well. To be honest, I have no interest in being her friend again, and I certainly don't want to drag common friends into this. I haven't told friends any details, except that I don't talk to her anymore.

Trying to talk to her rationally isn't a thing that would be of any success either - so, what is the best way to handle this?

Edited February 20, 2015 by mineral27

[preraph]

I don't see why you can't just let your friends know, in a nondramatic way, that you are done with her. And then block her. You don't need that in your life. You should leave people who are bad for you behind. If your friends don't think so, well, that's their opinion, but you're a grown woman who gets to make her own decisions now. You haven't seen her for a year, so that doesn't seem to have overly disturbed your common friends, so don't know why you'd fear that another year would. Just tell them, look, I'm glad some of you are willing to keep tabs on her, but I'm unable to keep her in my life.

[jellybean89]

Sounds like a bunch of junior high behavior from everyone. Late 20's and still having these types of issues - being a friend to one and not to the other.

 

Maybe its time to get a new group of friends? I am pretty sure all these "common" friends know something is going on. Females are notorious for being full of drama.

 

there is no need to respond to her. There is no rule you have to. Just hit delete and go about your life.

[CrystalShine2011]

I wouldn't respond...

[Eagle's-bargain]

Trying to talk to her rationally isn't a thing that would be of any success either - so, what is the best way to handle this?

 

Are you happy?

 

I had an abusive friendship that lasted almost 23 years, it wasn't until I told the guy to "fun" off, because he was using me. His idea of friendship was, "I'm bored let's hang out." As technology improved his ways to directly avoid me during our times when we hung out increased. I noticed he was camping on his phone more often and getting even more critical of my personal characteristics.

 

I called him out one day in front of his friends and then gf and told her that if he really cared about me or her he'd actually share his life and reciprocate in participation. He got violent, but I left before then. I had wasted years of my life thinking he was my best friend.

 

As for a circle of friends. Leave them. If they truly care about how you feel and know the circumstances they'll get off the fence. A friend who sits on the fence is not a friend. Friends take sides, either against you (for your own good) or with you (for your own good, or bad even). But a friend who is apathetic or a moral/amoral nihilist is no one's friend.

[mineral27]

Thank you all for your replies!!

 

You guys are absolutely right about this 'friendship'. Easier said than done, but I have more than enough reasons not to respond ...

 

Sounds like a bunch of junior high behavior from everyone. Late 20's and still having these types of issues - being a friend to one and not to the other.

 

Maybe its time to get a new group of friends? I am pretty sure all these "common" friends know something is going on. Females are notorious for being full of drama.

 

there is no need to respond to her. There is no rule you have to. Just hit delete and go about your life.

 

You're right, common friends are aware something's up, but I just never wanted to add more fuel to the fire. I am pretty sure she mentioned something to them, but they are also quite aware of her dramatizing.

 

Are you happy?

 

As for a circle of friends. Leave them. If they truly care about how you feel and know the circumstances they'll get off the fence. A friend who sits on the fence is not a friend.

 

Those are my friends from high school, but only two guys of those I am still very close to. With others I feel they didn't change much from high school, which I did and feel somewhat disconnected because of it. However, I do still care about all of them, although I got later much closer with friends from university years.

However, sitting on the fence or not, I think most of them just believe this is one of those times her and me will be friends again.

 

And of course, I am not happy ... When I'm taking with her I just have this incredibly annoying tendencies of nonconstructive behaviour, I admit. I won't act upon it, but I feel really bad because of it. And this is the strongest indicator, for me, that I shouldn't have anything to do with her anymore.

 

 

I don't see why you can't just let your friends know, in a nondramatic way, that you are done with her. ...

 

Just tell them, look, I'm glad some of you are willing to keep tabs on her, but I'm unable to keep her in my life.

 

I did explain the situation to the two guys from the group I am close to, and they understand, no drama (not to overgeneralize, but I do feel it's really less complicated getting along with male friends).

As for others, I will mention like you said in case they will ask about her and me.

 

* * *

 

The question is, when she will ask me directly, why I don't contact her anymore or respond (which I know she will ask sooner or later), I feel like I owe her a sentence of explanation, I feel it's wrong to ignore that particular question.

 

I feel we are just too different/incompatible and, to be honest, I have never argued as much with all other people in my life, as I did with her.

What is the point to any relationship, if there is more bad than good and both people are not happy?

And even if all that got somehow magically fixed, she has lost my trust forever.

 

How to tell this in a mature way, to be honest, but polite?

[todreaminblue]

I think and feel when there is a chance to heal a rift you heal it......

 

 

you dont have to put up with drama ...you can be a friend with boundaries personal and other wise.........but you heal the rift....healing rifts...actually promotes friendship for all around you....builds tolerance and compassion......doesnt mean to befriend to be treated like crap ...but it does mean being the one who knows better how to treat someone......boundaries are good things in friendships....set them and keep them be honest in all yourcommunications and dotn let resentment take hold..........deb

[preraph]

Tell her you believe your relationship (don't say friendship) is toxic and that it's healthier for both of you to cut ties.